King of Fighters: A Brand New Kind of Hell.
by: Strike To Incinerate
Notes: Another random idea that I had, born out of playing too much KOF'03 and Maximum Impact 2. And, of course, my undying love for the characters Kasumi, Chae Lim, Malin, Iori and Ash. I love others, but... yeah.
Disclaimer: Don't own, blah blah blah... Whatever. Have fun with your franchise, SNKPlaymore/Falcoon/NeoGeo.
Pairings: What do you think? KASUMI/IORI. FTW. Best KOF pairing. Some other ones when I think of them. Oh, and fear my new love of Kyo/Chizuru. Don't ask. I just suddenly think that pairing is a good idea. It totally is.
Warning: Naughty yaoi implications. Puppets. Much character bashing. Oh, and just because I'm not bashing Leona and K' and such in this chapter doesn't mean I'm not going to... Oh, everyone's getting it in this fic... at least a little bit. RANDOM CRACK.
King of Fighters: A Brand New Kind of Hell.
Prelude.
"Kasumi-oneesan... what's that?" the midget mistress of all manner of hidden weaponry asked, as she re-entered the hotel room that was rented by all three members of the Anti-Kyokugen team.
As expected, the famed assassin of the Kisaragi clan was right behind her.
"What the hell does it look like?" Kasumi mumbled, setting the finishing touches on a four foot by three foot miniture theatre stage, complete with velvety crimson curtains, and the small ropes to pull them open.
"A puppet show. Why do you have a stage for a puppet show in the middle of the hotel room?" Eiji asked the young Todoh-ryu kobujutsu heiress.
"Because, Kisaragi-sama... you guys lost the KOF..." Kasumi began.
"Excuse me, but WE lost the KOF, Kasumi-oneesan!" Malin corrected, her hands on her hips.
"A member of the Todoh family never loses. Duh," the older girl replied.
"Uh-huh... so... Your dad beat Takuma... and he stayed in the hospital for six weeks for fun..." Eiji muttered with a grin, stroking his chin in mock-thought.
Kasumi's pale face heated up almost instantly. "SHUT UP OR I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR ARM! You're one to talk, Kisaragi! You're only the worst assassin ever!" she yelled in her father's defense.
Eiji's face turned a shade of red that usually only belonged to a traffic light. "I AM NOT! I'M THE BEST ASSASSIN!"
"Well, let's call Billy Kane-san and Yagami-san and ask THEM! Because they would know!" Kasumi retorted.
Eiji backed down, his face slowly going back to it's normal skin color. "Okay, you win... so... what's the puppet show for?" he asked gruffly.
"I like puppets," Kasumi replied simply.
"Uh-huh, we guessed that. Why here?" Malin said, quickly losing what little patience she had (she was very small, so her patience was very very very small. It's physics, yo).
"We are going to perform a King of Fighters puppet show to relieve the stress of not winning once again because we lack super-special powers," Kasumi told them, pulling out a shoebox from under the twin bed that she'd been sleeping in for the past few days.
Malin moved closer. "Sounds promising."
Eiji scoffed, "I am NOT doing a puppet show."
Kasumi frowned at him. "Yes you are, or I'm telling King that you tried to take advantage of me," she threatened.
Eiji's eyes widened. "What makes you think that I'm afraid of King, or that she'd believe you?" he asked her, shocked that she could be so manipulative.
Her denim blue eyes filled with tears, and she began to wipe them away with her wrist. "Be... because..." she began to sob. "You're a deranged, killer for hire, and I'm... a sweet young woman... who'd never really do anything to hurt someone... and you'd lost it after losing to Yuri, of all people... and tried to take your pent-up sexual frustration out on the unwilling, defenseless little me..." she sobbed, big tears rolling down her slightly pink cheeks. "How could you, Kisaragi-sama? I trusted you!"
Eiji waved his hands in front of him quickly. Damn, she was a good actress! Why was she messing around in the KOF when she could be doing plays and movies with that talent? "No, no! I'll play your little game! Do not sic King on me!" he begged.
She brightened up, showing no signs of any tears just like that. "Good!"
And so, the game began.
--
"Welcome to the First Annual King of Fighters Puppet Show!" Kasumi announced.
"You know... there really isn't room back here for three of us..." Eiji pointed out.
"Shut up!" Kasumi hissed.
A small, plush head with red felt hair covering one eye slowly poked up from behind the stage.
Iori Puppet: Rawr! I am Iori Yagami! I will kill Kyo with my super-1337 uber-evil Orochi powerz!
Kyo Puppet: Oh, no! What am I going to do? Beni-kun, Shingo-chan, help meeee!
"God, this is lame..." Malin groaned.
"That's their cue!" Kasumi hissed.
Reluctantly, the Benimaru and Shingo puppets popped up.
Benimaru: Sorry, Kyo, we'd love to help... but we don't have any of the Three Sacred Treasures, so we're almost useless as far as the plot goes!
Shingo: Yeah! I'm just your lame fanboy! My only purpose is to run around screaming, "Kusanagi-saaan!", write things in my notebook, and be fodder for the yaoi fantasies of KOF fangirls!
Malin began to giggle, and Eiji let a small smile slip.
Chizuru Puppet: Never fear! Chizuru Kagura is here! I am the least sexy female in KOF, but I'm also the only person who can seal the Orochi. Oh well, you win some, you lose some!
Iori Puppet: Yeah, you are pretty fuckin' ugly. I'd rather have sex with a dead bull with AIDS and e-coli than get within ten meters of you, Chizuru.
Kasumi giggled a bit behind the stage. "See? It's totally fun!"
Athena Puppet: Athena Ikimasu! I'm like, totally cute, in that over-done magical girl way! I'm way perfect, and strong, and I've got lots of fans! I'm also a pop-star! In fact, I'm so cool, that I've fallen in love with a complete loser like Kyo, even though he's got a girlfriend!
Kyo: Wow, it's Athena. Benimaru, let's have mad buttsecks right in front of her!
Benimaru: Yeah! Too bad I'm already having buttsecks with Ash!
The Ash puppet pops up, and they proceed to do naughty, puppet things.
Iori: You're all losers! You know who's cool? Kasumi. She's way hot, she's the best fighter ever, and her dad's the best dad in the entire world.
Kyo: No way! Eiji's totally the best assassin ever! He can kill people like INSTANTLY.
Athena: Yeah, well, Malin would beat up both of them! She's got all these awesome illegal weapons and she's way cuter than Athena, Yuri AND Kasumi.
Kasumi frowned at her friend. "You are not cuter than me."
Malin shrugged. "We're equally cute, then."
"Okay, cool."
The Chizuru, Athena, Benimaru and Ash puppets disappeared under the stage, and a new one appeared.
Mai: Like, OMIGOD, ANDY!!!! Andy's such an ugly bastard, but I'm going to stalk him and stalk him and stalk him until he gives in and marries me and we can have a million busty, retard ninja babies! AAAAANDYYYYYY!
Terry: Dude, I'm Terry. If you don't know who I am, you're way lame, because I'm the coolest dude ever. I have a totally bad American accent and I throw my nasty trucker hat at people, and I'm banging my brother's girlfriend, because he's a butt-pirate. Or, um, butt-ninja. Whatev.
Malin burst into uncontrollable giggles.
Rock: Hi... I'm Rock Howard... I'm kind of a dork because I was raised by the guy that killed my dad. I'm probably going to be gay. At least, that's what all the fangirls think. I also think Malin is the cutest thing ever. I would love to be shocked by her cattleprodder.
Kasumi blinked at Malin. "What're you doing with my puppet...?" she asked.
"Try to make it do a sexy wink..." she replied.
Eiji snorted.
Ryo: Yo, I'm Ryo. I stink because I never take a shower or change my gi, my karate is the worst karate ever, I pick on poor girls like Kasumi and way awesome guys like Eiji, and I still manage to get a hot girlfriend like King.
Kasumi and Malin both looked at Eiji. "You think King-oneesan is hot...?" the former asked.
Eiji blushed and mumbled, "NO!"
The girls looked at each other and giggled.
Ash: Je suis Ash. I like to, 'ow do you Americans say eet? BUTTFUCK, oui, zat ees zee term I am looking for... My favoreet people to buttfuck are Benimaru Nikaido, Duo Lon, and Shen Woo...
"Shen Woo is not gay, no way!" Malin said in a soft, insistent voice.
"Well, he might be, but I don't think Duo Lon is..." Eiji added.
"Why does it matter?" the last member of the team answered. "Ash looks like a girl anyways!"
"Fair enough," they agreed.
Ash: Oooh lala, I 'ave so many fangirls... I also 'ave weird green flames zat make people zeenk zat zey are on le crack, ohoho!
"What are you three up to?"
The three guilty teammates peeked out of the stage of the puppet theatre.
"Oh, hi, Hinako-chan!" Kasumi greeted her friend. "Long time, no see!" She smiled brightly at her, and Malin did the same.
Hinako folded her arms over her chest. "Are you three playing puppets?" she asked, raising one golden brow.
They all nodded slowly.
"I am so in!" she squealed, her expression doing a one-eighty as she skipped across the room and settled down behind the puppet theatre with the other three.
"There's not enough room!"
"Well, move over to Jenny Craig, you fat ninja!"
"Oooh, she burned you, Kisaragi-sama!"
And then there were four.
Duo Lon: Like, omigod, ASH! There you are, you little Treasure theif!
Ash: Ah, Duo Lon... bee careful or I shall 'ave too steel your Family Jewels, ohoho!
Duo Lon: Ash-chan, you're so naughty!
Ash: Do you know 'oo else ees naughty?
Duo Lon: No! Omigod, Ash, spill it! Who?
"Are you guys going to sit here and play Yaoifest '07 or what?"
The three girls peeked over the stage again, and Eiji ducked down and sighed.
"'Cuz if you are, I want to play!" May Lee Jinju squealed in fangirlish delight.
"Come on!" Hinako gestured eagerly.
Eiji rolled his eyes and went to sit on the bed.
Kim Puppet: Mmm... you know what I like to do after a LONG, HARD day of training, Jhun Hoon puppet?
Jhun Hoon Puppet: I don't know about you Kim Puppet... but I like to-- CENSORED!--the---CENSORED!-- out of you...
Kim: Ohhh, yeah! Super justice buttsecks!
"God, May Lee... you live with those guys!" Malin gasped, punching the TKD student's arm playfully.
"Yeah, and you should watch them fight. It's totally homo-erotic," she replied.
Hinako tittered. "I bet it is! Jhun Hoon's so dreamy..."
May Lee glared at the blond. "Hey, back off! Master Kim and Master Jhun's love is pure and true and you shall not dirty it, you silly fangirl!"
"Sorry to dash your dream, May, but... Master Kim's married, isn't he?" Kasumi asked.
"So what? True love knows no boundaries..."
"But wouldn't cheating on his wife with a man be... a little unjust?" Kasumi continued.
May Lee sighed. "It's a pure and true unrequieted love," she agreed. "Because they could never commit an injustice, no matter how beautiful it may be..."
The other three girls' eyes were filled with tears, watching May Lee speak with the passion of a true yaoi fangirl.
She laughed. "It's okay though! There's always a chance that Jae Hoon could be gay, because it sure seems like Rock Howard is!"
They all giggled.
The Shingo Puppet sighes.
Shingo: Woe is me. Everyone is gay and after my poor, virgin ass, but my heart only knows one love, and her name is Hinako Shijou. How could I get a beautiful, divine sumo princess like her to fall for a pathetic fanboy like me?
Malin blinked in confusion. "I thought we were making fun of people."
"Yes, we are..." Kasumi agreed.
"Then why does that really sound like Shingo?!"
The New Faces Team Puppets appeared on stage.
Shermie Puppet: It is now time to sacrifice Kyo's annoying bitchy girlfriend Yuki, who has no real point in the plot but to be his annoying bitchy girlfriend and the last of Kushinada blood, to the Orochi, so he can awaken and live again!
There were a lot of 'evil cackles'.
Shermie Puppet: Tonight, we dine in HELL!
Yashiro Puppet: Yes! THIS IS... OROCHIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
Chris Puppet: Dude, I just wanna dance.
The Chris Puppet began to breakdance on the stage.
The Shermie Puppet slapped the Chris Puppet.
Shermie: Victory dances are for when victories are achieved. Come, we must sacrifice Yuki the Annoying Bitch!
Yuki: Kyo-chaaaan! Save me from the big bad Orochi people!
Kyo: OH BENIMARU!
Benimaru: OH ASH!
Ash: OH DUO LOOOON!
Duo Lon: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Yashiro: Shermie... watch where you're going... Maybe you should get your bangs cut or something.
Shermie: No, I have a horrible facial disfiguration. It makes the Phantom of the Opera look like a soft, fluffy kitten.
Chris: Honestly, it can't be that bad... Let me see it!
The Chris Puppet then attempted to move The Shermie Puppet's felt bangs out of her eyes, which caused every puppet on stage to pile on Shermie, screaming things like, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" and "I CAN'T LOOK!" and "I THOUGHT CROSS-BREEDING ALLIGATORS WITH CAMEL'S ASSES WAS ILLEGAL!"
"Alligators and camel's asses...?" May Lee asked.
Hinako shrugged.
"That is so gross and wrong!"
"But it was way funny."
It was at that point that the girls heard laughter not belonging to them, and peeked over the stage. Two pairs of blue and two pairs of brown eyes saw that they had gathered a small audience, including King, Yuri, Shingo, Kensou, Kyo, Benimaru, Bonne Jenet, Joe Higashi, Gato... and, yes, Iori Yagami.
The two sets of blue eyes looked at each other, and began whispering nearly inaudibly.
"Shingo-chan is here!"
"So is Iori-sama!"
"I hate being called that," a low and grumbly voice said.
Kasumi clapped a hand over her mouth, praying that he could not tell her voice apart from Hinako's, Malin's, or May Lee's.
"Well, keep going! You guys are HILARIOUS!" the blond pirate encouraged.
Malin cleared her throat, and they all resumed.
The Shingo Puppet sighed again.
Shingo: Oh my poor heart... when will it's one desire ever be fulfilled...?
Chae Lim Puppet: God, you are SO selfish! At least some girls like you!
Soiree Meira Puppet: I hear a LOT of girls like you at Kim's dojo!
Chae Lim: Which is odd, because there isn't a single girl in the world stupid enough to like you.
There was laughter.
Chae Lim: I mean, seriously... even crack-whores wouldn't fall for you! Not even if you waved a pure ounce in front of their face, they'd look the other way!
Soiree: And she wonders why she doesn't have a boyfriend.
May Lee giggled loudly at the expense of her fellow TKD student.
Beni: Is Yuki Puppet dead yet?
Kyo: I think so.
Ash: YAOI PUPPET PARTY!
All of the male puppets began some weird dog-pile-psuedo yaoi fest, thanks to May Lee, Malin and Hinako's hands.
"This yaoi thing is getting KINDA boring..." one spectator observed.
"It's weird and funny though... as long as they don't start moaning, they can do whatever they want with the Nikaido and Kusanagi puppets."
"What kind of sick person enjoys watching someone make puppets of himself and his best friend participate in an orgy with random men?"
Hinako chucked the Beni puppet into the crowd. "GOD, BENIMARU-SAN! YOU ARE DISGUSTING!"
Kasumi peeked at their crowd again. Iori has left... she didn't blame him. The show was getting a little weird... Kyo had left, too. She really didn't blame him, after what Malin, May and Hinako had done. Shen Woo had replaced them.
"Oooh. Shen Woo's here. He's a cutie, ne, Kasumi-san?" May Lee said, elbowing her gently.
"I think he's a drug dealer," she replied.
Instantly, May Lee's attitude changed, and she started to stand up. "Why, I oughtta... how can someone so cute be evil... I SHALL SHOW HIM THE RIGHTEOUS PATH OF JUSTI--"
"May Lee!" Hinako grabbed her arm, but the TKD student pulled it back.
"It is my duty as Master Kim and Master Jhun's disciple--"
"MAY LEE!" Malin tried to grab her leg, and suddenly, the whole puppet theatre came crashing down.
The entire audience scooted back a bit.
"HERO MAY LEE SHALL--"
"MAY LEE, STOP IT!" Kasumi exclaimed, grabbing her leg as May Lee made a dive for Shen Woo.
"SHIT!" Shen swore, jumping up.
May Lee hit the carpeted floor with a loud 'thud'. "Hey hey hey! What's the big idea! I have to steer him away from evil!" she protested.
"No way!" Kasumi insisted, her hands clenching.
"Um... Kasumi-chan..." Hinako began.
"You ruined our super awesome puppet show!" Malin huffed, folding her arms over her chest.
"Malin-chan!" May Lee exclaimed.
Both of the offended girl's blinked. "Do I smell smoke...?" the Todoh-ryu heiress asked.
"Look at your hands!" Malin shouted.
Kasumi looked down.
Purple flames.
"OMIGOD! THE OROCHI! CHIZURU-SAMA!" Kasumi screamed, shaking her hands in the air, trying to extinguish them. This only sent indigo blossoms of fire onto the bed, dresser, carpet and curtains.
"Hey, hold still! I'll get some water or something! Malin, help her out!" Hinako said to them, standing and rushing off to the bathroom as Eiji and the rest of the crowd filed out of the room.
"Kasumi-oneechan!" Malin pulled out her yo-yo, letting it fall, unsure of what exactly she should do.
The string caught fire.
Not purple, but red.
Red as the Kusanagi flames and the sun.
"HOLY SHIIII!" Malin screeched, throwing her once favored weapon onto the burning sheets of the twin bed.
"HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?!"
"I DUNNO!"
And then suddenly, it stopped.
--
Quotes from '300' and Dane Cook also do not belong to me. I just borrowed them for the purposes of making the New Faces Team look stupid.
All flames are stolen by Ash Crimson.
And hopefully, if people like this, I will be adding the next chapter.