You left me. After all I gave you, you just up and left me. I gave you everything I had, everything I was, heart, mind, body, and soul, and what do I get in return? Nothing. Not even a letter explaining why you were gone.
You know, I used to pretend that you were still here. That you hadn't left me alone to fend for myself, but that you were just out running errands or something trivial like that, and that you would be home soon. Never mind that it was daylight and the only errands you could take care of were inspecting the sewer tunnels and contributing to the "Save the Earth" campaign by becoming a part of it, literally. The earth, not the campaign. And so I waited day after day, and night after night for you to come in that door. But you never did.
I came to my senses eventually, and accepted that you were gone. I had moved past denial and on to guilt. I blamed myself for your leaving. I wasn't smart enough, or nice enough, or pretty enough. Or I was too nice, which made me too weak for you. I had a million and three reasons. I counted. Not really, though I certainly had enough time to do so if I wished. The point is, I just knew it was my fault. Why else would you leave me like that, sleeping peacefully, the rest of the dead, only to wake to a new world utterly alone?
You should have just let me die. Do you know what it is to wake up one morning knowing that you have become what you have spent your life destroying? That you, who dedicated your days to helping others, must now destroy them in order to continue to exist? That your friends, if they were still alive, would be forced to kill you because of your very nature, but not before you saw the look of disappointment and disgust in their eyes? But above that, do you know what it is like to be consumed with a hunger so severe that it nearly cripples you, but have no means of sating it for several hours, when the sun set and darkness descended.
I miss the sun. Don't look at me like that. I'm not crazy. I'm not planning on taking up sunbathing any time soon. I have no desire to be mistaken for dirt. Besides, I don't leave people with no warning. But I do miss lying back in a green field on a summer day and feeling the warm rays beating down on my skin. I never did tan, really. My skin was far too fair. Comes with the red hair, people told me. But I would freckle. All over my arms and legs, and this little line across my nose. They're gone now, though. Just pale flesh left in their place. Like porcelain or fine parchment, I'm told. Makes my hair and eyes stand out more.
Do you like my hair? It's true, you know, your hair and fingernails do continue to grow after you're dead. It's grown out since you saw it last. A real hack job I had then. But that was years ago. They say that long hair is only for the very young, but I think it suits me, don't you? But I guess I don't exactly look my age these days, do I? And I have you to thank for that. I have you to thank for so much. Love. Loss. Life. Death. A new life. An eternity of solitude.
But I'm not alone, you say. Well, no, not anymore. But not because of you. Don't look so shocked. You're the one who left me to deal with this. You never said I had to go it alone. You never said anything. You just left, so don't tell me that I can't have found someone else. Sorry, but I don't much care for self-righteous hypocrites who try to tell me with whom I can and cannot associate.
Anyway, yes, I found someone else who could look beyond what I was and see who I was. I wouldn't be here otherwise. I mean, I didn't know the first thing about survival in this new lifestyle. Where to get food, who to avoid, how to get about in the daytime. How to deal with pain, both physical and emotional. What were you thinking, leaving a souled vampire, the childe of not only another souled vampire, but the greatest traitor the vampire community has ever known, to fend for herself. I nearly got staked the first time that I went to Willy's.
I should have been able to depend on my sire to protect me, or at least to show me how to protect myself. But, as I've mentioned before, you weren't here. So I found the next best thing. My sire's childe, my brother, if you will. Though, our relationship now is far from that of brother and sister. I'm sure you know about his many talents, so I won't go into that. But suffice it to say that he has taught me much, and taught me well. Soul or no, I am feared and respected in this town. There is not a demon within the city limits that would not sooner offer himself to the Slayer than cross me on a bad day.
Speaking of the Slayer, Maire is doing marvelously. She and I have an agreement, of sorts. She does not harm me or my family, and I keep the resident supernatural forces at bay. Sure, every once in a while, a fledgling gets it into his head that he can take on the Slayer, or a new demon comes to town with dreams of ruling the Hellmouth, and I let her handle them. Sometimes I even help, if she needs it. But mostly, our arrangement allows us both some semblance of normal lives.
What is my point in telling you this? It is simple, really. I don't need you. I haven't in quite some time. My life is good now, and you're not in it. You had your chance years ago, but you left. I waited nearly a quarter of a century before I stopped waiting for your return and several decades more before I allowed myself to find comfort in someone else. I don't know why you left, where you went, or why you came back now, but I don't care anymore. I don't need you in my life anymore, and I don't want you here in my town. Leave now, or I'll let Maire escort you out inside her new Dust-buster.
I thought you'd see it my way. Have a nice unlife, Angel. I know Spike and I will.
You know, I used to pretend that you were still here. That you hadn't left me alone to fend for myself, but that you were just out running errands or something trivial like that, and that you would be home soon. Never mind that it was daylight and the only errands you could take care of were inspecting the sewer tunnels and contributing to the "Save the Earth" campaign by becoming a part of it, literally. The earth, not the campaign. And so I waited day after day, and night after night for you to come in that door. But you never did.
I came to my senses eventually, and accepted that you were gone. I had moved past denial and on to guilt. I blamed myself for your leaving. I wasn't smart enough, or nice enough, or pretty enough. Or I was too nice, which made me too weak for you. I had a million and three reasons. I counted. Not really, though I certainly had enough time to do so if I wished. The point is, I just knew it was my fault. Why else would you leave me like that, sleeping peacefully, the rest of the dead, only to wake to a new world utterly alone?
You should have just let me die. Do you know what it is to wake up one morning knowing that you have become what you have spent your life destroying? That you, who dedicated your days to helping others, must now destroy them in order to continue to exist? That your friends, if they were still alive, would be forced to kill you because of your very nature, but not before you saw the look of disappointment and disgust in their eyes? But above that, do you know what it is like to be consumed with a hunger so severe that it nearly cripples you, but have no means of sating it for several hours, when the sun set and darkness descended.
I miss the sun. Don't look at me like that. I'm not crazy. I'm not planning on taking up sunbathing any time soon. I have no desire to be mistaken for dirt. Besides, I don't leave people with no warning. But I do miss lying back in a green field on a summer day and feeling the warm rays beating down on my skin. I never did tan, really. My skin was far too fair. Comes with the red hair, people told me. But I would freckle. All over my arms and legs, and this little line across my nose. They're gone now, though. Just pale flesh left in their place. Like porcelain or fine parchment, I'm told. Makes my hair and eyes stand out more.
Do you like my hair? It's true, you know, your hair and fingernails do continue to grow after you're dead. It's grown out since you saw it last. A real hack job I had then. But that was years ago. They say that long hair is only for the very young, but I think it suits me, don't you? But I guess I don't exactly look my age these days, do I? And I have you to thank for that. I have you to thank for so much. Love. Loss. Life. Death. A new life. An eternity of solitude.
But I'm not alone, you say. Well, no, not anymore. But not because of you. Don't look so shocked. You're the one who left me to deal with this. You never said I had to go it alone. You never said anything. You just left, so don't tell me that I can't have found someone else. Sorry, but I don't much care for self-righteous hypocrites who try to tell me with whom I can and cannot associate.
Anyway, yes, I found someone else who could look beyond what I was and see who I was. I wouldn't be here otherwise. I mean, I didn't know the first thing about survival in this new lifestyle. Where to get food, who to avoid, how to get about in the daytime. How to deal with pain, both physical and emotional. What were you thinking, leaving a souled vampire, the childe of not only another souled vampire, but the greatest traitor the vampire community has ever known, to fend for herself. I nearly got staked the first time that I went to Willy's.
I should have been able to depend on my sire to protect me, or at least to show me how to protect myself. But, as I've mentioned before, you weren't here. So I found the next best thing. My sire's childe, my brother, if you will. Though, our relationship now is far from that of brother and sister. I'm sure you know about his many talents, so I won't go into that. But suffice it to say that he has taught me much, and taught me well. Soul or no, I am feared and respected in this town. There is not a demon within the city limits that would not sooner offer himself to the Slayer than cross me on a bad day.
Speaking of the Slayer, Maire is doing marvelously. She and I have an agreement, of sorts. She does not harm me or my family, and I keep the resident supernatural forces at bay. Sure, every once in a while, a fledgling gets it into his head that he can take on the Slayer, or a new demon comes to town with dreams of ruling the Hellmouth, and I let her handle them. Sometimes I even help, if she needs it. But mostly, our arrangement allows us both some semblance of normal lives.
What is my point in telling you this? It is simple, really. I don't need you. I haven't in quite some time. My life is good now, and you're not in it. You had your chance years ago, but you left. I waited nearly a quarter of a century before I stopped waiting for your return and several decades more before I allowed myself to find comfort in someone else. I don't know why you left, where you went, or why you came back now, but I don't care anymore. I don't need you in my life anymore, and I don't want you here in my town. Leave now, or I'll let Maire escort you out inside her new Dust-buster.
I thought you'd see it my way. Have a nice unlife, Angel. I know Spike and I will.