I'm back! I know I was supposed to upload a new chapter for Subject 23, but between travel, Spring Break, and a project with Made Nightwing, not to mention lack of internet, I haven't even really started the new chapter. Sorry. I would recommend anyone with a brain to go check out Nightwing's profile for the story What would Happen? I had the idea, but we connected dialogue. Shepard's part is voiced by me, with Nightwing doing the rest. It's freaking hilarious. GO TO IT. NOW.
I'm still on break, so yeah. Fun.
Ok, well I wrote this because I love a song. I thought, Hey. I should make a parody based on this song. Yeah! I recommend checking out the song, or else it wouldn't make much sense. here are the instructions for getting to the song.
IMPORTANT! (This is necessary for the story to be understood)
INSTRUCTIONS: Go to You-tube, type in Commander Shepard Music Video. It's done by MandaloreMovies. IT'S BEYOND AWESOME.
Enjoy!
-OH GOD WHY. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?-
Shepard ran as fast as he could, whipping past the storefronts. When he passed groups of people, they stared. It wasn't often they saw Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy, running along the stretch of the Presidium, a Turian and Quarian right behind him.
"Tali! You have to calm him down! He can't run from it!"
"I know, damn it! Shepard! We can protect you!"
He turned to look back at them, meeting Tali's eyes.
"You can't! Once it starts back up again, no one can stop them!"
Garrus was getting tired of this. Adding a burst of energy to his sprint, he leaped forward, diving towards Shepard. Without intention, an animalistic cry rose from his mandibles, heralding to the times of his ancestors.
"GRAAAAAIEEEEEE!"
Before he could reach the Commander, the first thing to pop into his target's mind was:
-What the hell is that? It sounds like Tali when we fu—"
Shepard felt a large thump on his back, meriting a similar cry of surprise. The two of them landed on the cold metal ground with loud clatters of armor. Tali slowed from a run to a walk, and approached the battling soldiers. It was a quick and decisive battle, ending with Shepard in a rather painful looking headlock, while Garrus kept him hunched over to prevent running.
Tali kneeled before her boyfriend, wiping hair out of his face. Glancing up at her, he grinned that special grin, and she had to fight herself to not start fumbling with his hands.
"Now. What is wrong with you?"
Garrus, sensing calm within his prey, released Shepard. They all stood, hoping for an explanation.
"I told you. The music. It's everywhere."
Tali sighed, bringing a gloved hand to her helmet.
"Let me get this straight. You think that music plays whenever you set foot on the Citadel, which causes large crowds of females to suddenly become ravenous for your—"
She used air quotes.
"Disco-stick"
Garrus coughed, hoping it blocked his chuckle. It didn't.
"And to prevent this, you have to run desperately?"
Shepard nodded through the entire questioning.
"Absolutely. It's crazy! It starts playing, and all of the sudden, I'm a fucking piece of meat. Last time I was here, I had to literally cut myself out of a nest of female Hanar."
He turned to Garrus, hoping to address the horrified Turian.
"Relax. Their tentacles grew back."
This irked Tali by this. Could it be that Shepard just wanted to be single again?
"Shepard, I understand if you want to break up. I figured the pressure of dating a Quarian would get to you. I mean, the first time I saw my own—"
"WHAT?"
The couple turned to the startled Turian, who was doing the best blanching impression he could achieve.
Shepard dismissed his friend for the time being. He needed to make his girl feel loved. Approaching her, he dropped to his knees.
"Hey. You're the only one for me. Don't even ask me that question."
Standing, he embraced her romantically. Without hesitation, Tali burst into tears. Hugging him powerfully, they both stood wrapped together. Garrus stood nearby, still wondering what Tali had been talking about earlier.
Everything was completely silent.
Then he heard it.
The fast paced beat, calming, but alternating between tones. Then, the lyrics.
From Omega to Mars, from the council to the seediest bars.
"Oh no…please God no…"
Tali perked her head up from his shoulder.
"What…what is that sound?"
From the reaches of space, to the pillars of Asari grace.
He turned to Garrus.
"We have to go. NOW."
The three of them ran, hoping to get to a safe location before something drastic happened. Song lyrics blasted over the station radio, and people all around them started to shake their heads and nod, indicating they liked the music.
Turians a-bragging 'bout their reach and flexibility.
Garrus nearly stopped running. Turning to Shepard, who was busy shaking his head rapidly.
"You told th—"
"No! I would never!"
"How do th—"
"I don't know!"
"DAMN IT, I ONLY HAVE REACH!"
All of them turned a corner, hoping to find a place to hide.
What they saw horrified them so strongly, Turians three generations from now would still get shivers from stepping foot on the Citadel.
An entire Commander Shepard Fan Club fair was being held, and almost all of the occupants were females. One of them turned, her blonde hair covered by an N7 cap. Spotting the three squad mates, her eyes glanced over Shepard's N7 armor patch.
"OH. MY. GOD."
Everyone stopped what they were doing, focusing on where the blonde girl was pointing. A collective gasp was heard, followed by silence. The music continued.
But no matter what scars you bear, whatever uniform you wear…
You could fight like a Krogan, run like a leapard but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard.
The only sound was the music, which continued to play its rocking beat.
Grins started to appear on the fans faces, which only increased the terror the three friends felt. The lull in volume was shattered however, when a acne riddled teenager burst from the crowd of girls. He fell to his knees, and screamed loudly.
"TALI! I LOOOOOVE YOOOOOU!"
It was safe to say that everyone in the room was completely stunned, but Tali's response cured any doubt.
"Art, I TOLD you. Not in this fanfic…"
Surprised at her answer, the person known as Art winked out of existence.
Meanwhile, the girls recovered from the shock. The blonde screamed out to the squad.
"GET THEM!"
Shepard turned to his friends. Countless missions with them negated the need for communication. Tali and Garrus could read their Commander better than anyone. What he planned to say was unnecessary.
That doesn't mean he didn't say it.
"Run."
"I love you, 23."
"I love you too Lia."
"…Don't you mean Lyla?"
23 froze. How could he forget the name of the girl he loved?
"Oh right…The author is a fucking moron. That's how."
Excuse me? Don't question my authority, ice cube.
He jumped from his seat at the restaurant, while Lyla just rested her head on her hand. This was going to take a while.
"you heard me, dumbass. Honestly, I'm a little annoyed at how you wrote me during the first part of my story. What's with all these random little cameos, anyways? You keep this up, heads will roll."
Huh…good point. But guess what. I don't give a flying fuck. Also, your outfit is now a pink bunny suit. I TOLD you what would happen if you talked back to me.
23 glanced down, finding a pink bunny suit covering his chest.
"FUCK! FINE. Now that you're done making Lyla a furry lover, you might want to get back to your plot for this story."
Suddenly, 23 spotted three familiar people tear across the open Presidium space, while what looked like a flood of females garbled in Alliance memorabilia. They were gaining on a Turian, and it didn't look like friendly territory.
"Run Garrus, Run!"
Shepard looked back, hoping to pull his friend further away from the danger. Instead, he watched as the Turian was grabbed by a girl with a "I LOVE THANE" shirt. His screams betrayed his normally calm demeanor, and shocked the Commander to no end.
"Leave me! SAVE YOURSELF!"
A group of fangirls peeled off, joining in surrounding the downed Turian.
"Show us your reach!"
"I can flex. Watch!"
"Screw the puns, TAKE ME NOW, VAKARIAN!"
Shepard felt a tear slide down his cheek. His friend would be missed.
"SHEPARD! AAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"C'mon! We have to move!"
Tali gripped Shepard's hand, pulling him further. They continued onwards, together. They would survive this flood of rabid women. Tali was sure of it.
Yes. I did include my SI. Yes, I did include a cameo from Mass Vexations 2. No, this was not a slam on the story. (I like Herr Wozzeck. His work is very well written) No, he didn't know about this. No, he probably won't notice it.
Review and tell me if you want another chapter. CHEERS!