The Evil I Am Capable Of
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or Sam and Dean.
Summary: Sam's done things that can't be forgiven. He knows where he's going when he dies. And he's not afraid. Not wincest. Sam's POV.
The war has started. The earth is being torn apart. The largest battle in the history of the world is being fought. Every demon from Hell versus all the hunters that were brave enough to fight. I chose my side. Oh, how I regret it. But did I really have a choice? I don't think so. I don't know who will win. To tell you the truth, I don't really care. Not anymore. I don't care when or how I die, either. It doesn't matter anyway. I already know where I'm going.
My brother was saved. Ruby was true to her word. She got Dean out of his deal. Only problem is, he would still go to Hell when he died. And that broke my heart. He didn't deserve to go to Hell. He was a better person than me, no matter how many times he said it was the other way around.
We tried not to focus on that, though. We celebrated, laughed, started acting like real brothers again. For the first time in a long time, we were truly happy.
After awhile, we didn't think anything was going to happen with this war everyone said was coming. But then I saw the signs, signs only a demon, or I, could see. And I knew what was going to happen to me. I was going to become the very monster that Gordon had vowed to himself he would destroy. The only way out of it was for Dean to kill me, or for me to kill myself. Whichever way I chose, I knew it would kill Dean. And I just couldn't put him through that kind of pain again. I refused to. I didn't want him to see what would happen to me once I changed, either. So I did the only thing I could think of. One night I went out to get something to eat. When I got back to the motel room, I heard water running in the bathroom and knew that Dean was in the shower. So I pulled a bottle of sleeping pills from my pocket. I had aquired these from our last hunt. While Dean was questioning the sister of the victim, I had slipped upstairs to investigate. While in the sister's room, I came across an almost-full bottle of sleeping pills on her bedside table. When I came back downstairs, no one knew I had them hidden in my pocket. I poured out the entire contents on the table and, using my pocket knife, crushed them up and poured the powder into Dean's drink. He never felt a thing. But later that night, as I lay on the bed, silently crying with Dean's lifeless body in my arms, I began to wish that I had let Gordon kill me when he had the chance.
Days later I heard the signal. Hell's signal calling it's warriors into battle. And I went. It was futile to try and stop myself, no matter how much I wished I could have. The evil inside me was too great. So I followed my fellow soldiers into battle. And I fought. I'm still fighting. And I am so ashamed of myself, of the pain I have caused. The people I've killed, the families I've torn apart. Who knew I was capable of such evil. The deaths I have caused that I took the hardest, besides Dean, were Bobby's, Jo's, and Ellen's. I slaughtered my friends, my family. How could I do such a thing? I've done so many terrible, horrible things, Heaven will never forgive me. When I die, I've got a spot in Hell waiting for me.
So yes, I may be going to Hell, but I'm not scared. All our lives, the only thing Dean and I ever feared was that one day, death would separate us. Well, we don't have to worry about that anymore. I'll seen him soon enough. Dean and I can face any kind of pain together. I can only hope that he'll forgive me. But when I die, we'll be together again. Maybe Hell won't be so bad.
Well, what did you guys think? I hope y'all enjoyed it. Please review!