Amelia just looked at Owen. She kept looking at him because she couldn't move, she was just breathing, Derek's voice still ringing in her ears and she realised it had been over a year since she'd last heard it. Since she'd last talked to him. The last year had passed so fast, faster than any she'd ever lived and he was right. She wasn't living, she was barely alive and focused on surgery after surgery after surgery. She was alone and scared, and to try and keep the pain away she had isolated herself – it wasn't the best solution, but it was a solution, to keep from feeling at all. The bad and the good. Admittedly, there wasn't much good in her life anymore. So, strictly speaking, she wasn't losing a whole lot. Derek died, Meredith disappeared and Owen went to Iraq. The more she looked into his eyes, the more she wanted to disappear too, to retreat into that world where nobody cared, where no one remembered her at Christmas or New Years', where she was allowed to just work and live at the hospital and nothing ever went wrong. It was the kind of world that led her pacing one night on the deck of her dead brother's house with oxy in her pocket. While pacing she made an estimate of how much pain her addiction had caused her and how much pain she was in then. It was the only way to decide whether or not it was really worth it to take the drugs. She tried repeating in her head, all that crap they'd fed her in rehab, she'd never believed in any of it, but last time her pregnancy had helped her stay clean for long enough. It was cloudy, foggy, her judgement too hazy to make the right decision. Then Owen showed up. She didn't know what it was that brought her to tell him about the drugs, but she did. It was maybe the fact that he already knew in more detail than anyone here or maybe how she knew he wouldn't pass judgement. He made her feel safe that way and she owed him for that, owed him big. "Thank you."
He looked a little confused, but didn't say anything, this moment was delicate enough, without opening that particular can of worms. If it wasn't for Owen she would probably be off to the deep end once again and this time she wasn't sure that many people would come to her rescue, not when she'd abandoned most of them in LA and – well, and the others were dead. Also, if it wasn't for Owen she wouldn't have been able to listen to this voicemail without breaking down completely. Pretending her brother wasn't dead, joking, protecting herself with every possible layer of armoury she could find, wouldn't have allowed her to truly listen to this. Not like she just had. When she looked back at him, though, his eyes were soft and inviting and she knew exactly what was going on through his head. She couldn't let him think like that. They couldn't go down that road before, she'd hurt him already like that, she couldn't afford to lose him too. She squeezed his hand. "Thank you for staying."
Owen smiled at her. "No problem."
She tried to smile back, but she found she couldn't. Amelia had spent the better part of today – and yesterday and everyday since he'd come back – trying to convince herself that being with him was a mistake. Trying to convince herself that she'd been right after all, last year when she'd said that, she had been right. She told herself she was doing it for him, she told herself he deserved to find someone better than her, but truth was she was still terrified. She was absolutely no stranger to pain. Pain and her went way back. Yet, even now, even when she'd started embracing this new approach to life, she was not just alive, but living, she couldn't even face the idea of letting herself go. The sort of open vulnerability that came with being in a relationship with someone was something she wasn't ready to allow herself and it was an entirely new concept for her. James had been safe, like a puppy, he loved her unconditionally and she relished in that feeling, but she'd never had to open herself up to the possibility of getting hurt, she knew he'd never do that to her, not even unconsciously. She knew that Owen wouldn't hurt her either, the one she was protecting herself from was… well, herself. Amelia had fallen for him so hard and so fast that when she realised that, she was petrified. So she'd run, run away from him and from her feelings for him. Like a dog chasing its tail. What she felt for him had the potential to save her, finally allow her the chance to have the life she had only ever dreamed of. Or it could destroy her, for good this time.
Her eyes teared up again, she remembered that conversation all too well. He'd been right, Derek had been right, his words had hit the spot. She knew he loved Meredith and she'd seen what it did to Meredith when he died. Or rather, she hadn't seen a thing, because Meredith fled the country, she was feeling so bad that she couldn't be around people, around anything that could possibly remind her of him. Amelia knew she wasn't cursed, knew it wasn't a disease, but it was undeniably true. All the men she loved had died. All of them, no exceptions, her baby included. So her ever rational and logical mind had a hard time believing Owen could survive her love. For one, she knew she couldn't go through what Meredith had, she had, but there had to be a limit to how much pain and suffering one can go through in a lifetime.
Owen must have noticed the fresh set of tears in her eyes, because he turned his body, facing her. She didn't know what to say, she'd stopped herself today when she'd said that stupid thing to him. Seeing that improvised family so happy and in love had made her hope and dream and believe she could have that. She wanted to believe she wasn't broken, but she found no evidence in her life of that. Amelia dared look at him. Holding his gaze, hoping he'd take the chance to say something or leave or just see that she was stuck. She needed him to make a choice. Instead, he tilted his head, his face softening, his eyes never straying from hers. "Amelia."
She exhaled, noisily, and in a last ditch effort to keep her composure she closed her eyes, closed her eyes and gathered up all the courage she had left in her. "It's fine. I'm fine, just… stupid."
He frowned at her statement, turning his hand to take her own in his. It was fascinating the comparison between the two, his hand was big, proportioned, but big and Amelia's was so small. When her tears didn't subside he pressed. "Amelia you're not stupid. You know better than anyone that the pain and the loss never really go away. You're going to listen to that in ten years and you're going to cry just like today."
She smiled, half a smile, but it was big enough that the dimple in her cheek came out. Amelia knew she wasn't upset about the voicemail, thanks to Owen she was able to listen to it and remember Derek, not focusing on how he was dead and she'd never get to see him again. It still hurt, but in a healthy way, the same way it hurt to think about Ryan or her son. She'd moved on and she would move on now too. In time. "I know." She nodded, trying to look and sound as confident as possible. "I know. I was talking about today."
"Today?" Owen was so utterly confused, if she wasn't on the verge of tears, she would have mentioned how adorable he looked. "Is it the wedding, then? Or the house? You know you don't have to stay here if it's too hard, I'm sure Richard would-"
She squeezed his hand again and tried a smile, this time managing a big, big one, so big her cheeks were stretching. "Owen I'm talking about today at the hospital." She watched as realisation dawned on him. Her smile faded, though, because the second he figured out what she was talking about his hold on her hand lessened. His whole posture drifted and his shoulders fell, a defeated sigh making her feel even worse about that. "I wasn't talking about the patients." Owen's eyebrows rose and his eyes lightened up. His face, though, wasn't surprised, he wasn't surprised by that, rather he most likely knew she had done a remarkably poor job at masquerading her slip up, but he hadn't expected her to bring it up again. "As I said it's stupid."
"It's not stupid." She looked at him, she felt her flutters in her stomach and the way his thumb was rubbing back and forth on her knuckles was sending shivers all the way down her spine. Amelia hoped he would finally take the lead and talk, but he didn't seem to want to say anything more than that. It was making her feel all awkward and uncomfortable and partly frustrated because she had an inkling he knew that's what she wanted him to do and he wasn't letting her get away with it. To think her confidence in the sexual department knew no boundaries, while right now she couldn't even say ten words to him was completely ridiculous.
So she took the plunge. She could always get mad at Derek for making her do so, even if that made absolutely no sense. If love meant destroying and be destroyed, then so be it. She'd be destroyed, right this second she didn't have all that much left to lose. She was just about down to her medical license and her car, she didn't even have a house. "You're right it's not stupid, but it's not fair. Not to you. Owen you shouldn't want that, not just that. You could meet someone tomorrow who is ready to be with you and move in with you, ready to get married, have kids and I am… not even sure I have a place to live next week."
Owen breathed in deeply, this was going to require his woman-to-english special translator abilities and all the patience he could muster. He decided to start off with the more pressing issue at hand. "Just so you know, I heard Meredith was trying to get Alex to take you in, so you do have a place to sleep."
Amelia's face contorted into a million emotions all at once. She didn't want Meredith's pity and certainly didn't want to move in with Karev, to whom she'd barely spoken in over two years. This was so embarrassing. And confusing, yesterday she'd snapped at Meredith and, while she was convinced she was right, that could have been avoided or at least handled a little better, maybe she could have even waited until she wasn't all hyped up by the tunnel accident. "I don't even know what to say to that. I don't even know Karev! I'm so not going there, I'm the freaking head of the department, I can get my own place."
Owen chuckled. "I wouldn't worry about that, everyone has lived in that house. I lived in that house. It was Meredith's house and all the interns in her class lived there with her. Callie lived there, April and Jackson did until very little time ago, Cristina lived there. The interns in Wilson's class stayed there for a while. It's almost like a rite of passage."
"You're not making me feel any better."
He sighed. He knew very well she could afford her own place. She could nearly afford the Dream House and all the land if she wanted it, fact was he had the suspicion she didn't want to get her own place. As far as he'd been told even when she'd moved out to LA she'd lived for years with Derek's ex-wife. She didn't want to live alone. If he wanted to spook her out of her skin he could ask her to move in. Taking in the look on her face he then decided what she needed was a boat load of reassuring, not jokes. Talking about her living situations had lifted the mood enough that he was now ready to move to the bigger issues. "I'm just saying you have a place to live."
Catching his drift she shook her head slowly, avoiding his eyes, afraid that she wouldn't be able to say what she needed to. "That's barely scratching the surface of the ocean of reasons why you should find someone who is ready to be who you deserve. Not to mention I might not ever be ready for that." She sighed, finally looking up at his big, beautiful, comforting blue eyes. "I'm damaged goods, Owen. You should aim higher."
"And you think I'm not? Amelia if I'm such a catch why am I be living in a trailer in the woods alone? I'm as damaged as you think you are. You can't see it, but trust me, out of the two of us it's you who should want better. You're young and beautiful and smart and funny and I don't know why you're even settling with me." He said all in one breath. It felt like releasing a beast tied and caged for too long. It felt liberating and frightening and exciting to finally get to say these words to her. Owen wasn't thinking, wasn't calculating, wasn't being cautious anymore. Before she could speak he continued. "For what it's worth I think you're ready for far more than you're allowing yourself."
Amelia looked away sadly, if only that were true. She'd never been ready, she wasn't ready to be engaged and she wasn't ready to wake up to her fiancée's corpse beside her. She definitely wasn't ready to be pregnant and she wasn't ready for her baby to die, she hadn't even named him in the end. She hadn't been ready for a new relationship and clearly wasn't ready to be engaged to someone who wasn't about to die in his sleep. She wasn't ready to fall in love and she'd hurt Owen because of that. On a side note, Amelia realised, no one was ever really ready to fall in love. On the whole, no one was ever ready for anything. Maybe then she was just making excuses to get herself out of her possibly first grown up relationship, one that she was so scared of, she'd put a stop to it before it could even start? That was the million dollar question. Amelia didn't know, couldn't know for sure, but than again there was no way to know for sure about that. She let her eyes wander up to meet Owen's. "Owen, I'm serious. I don't know how much I can give you and I do want you to have it all," she looked down coyly, feeling her cheeks heat up at the confession. "I really do, but I don't know if I can and that's not fair." She saw he was about to retort something and knew exactly, the minute she saw him, what he was going to say. "I know you never have guarantees, but starting off like this is…"
Owen exhaled, desperately trying to keep his head focused on the goal of this conversation. He squeezed her hand until she looked at him straight in the eyes. "How do you even know what I want? Actually – what makes you so sure I am not the one who won't be able to give you what you want? Amelia nobody has all the answers here." This time, though, he had to look away. Not away from her, his eyes were still fixed on their joined hands, but he couldn't say these things while looking at her straight in the eyes. "I thought I wanted to be married, I thought I wanted my own house and kids. I got married, I had my house and then I lost my wife because of a stupid argument. I lost it all because of the life I thought I wanted. That was stupid. I ruined our relationship, our life and I ended up living alone in a trailer in the woods."
Amelia frowned as she felt her heart sink in her chest. "So you don't want any of that?"
"No, Amelia." He noticed the heartbroken look on her face. He knew where her head was at and he wanted to keep her there for a few more seconds before explaining. It had cost him Cristina to learn this life lesson and he wasn't about to let it cost him Amelia too. "I don't want any of that if it means I'm not with you. None of it matters if we're not together, if we're not happy. We take it one step at the time and just… do what feels right. Forget the right way to do things. This is all that matters." He was now holding her hand with both of his.
Amelia was looking at him when he raised his head. They looked into each other's eyes for quite a long time. Owen was a bit apprehensive about the words that had just come flooding from his mouth, flowing like a river with no start and no end and no control whatsoever. On the other hand, Amelia was drinking it all in, pondering and measuring and calculating their chances. She wasn't still so sure about this love thing – if there was something she was sure of was that she did indeed love Owen and delving into a relationship meant dealing with that, the good and the bad. Usually, the good outdid the bad, which was reason enough to give it a shot. More than that, it was Derek's words that gave her the push she needed. Amelia never thought he was particularly wise or always right or an expert in love, but she owed him to at least try. She owed it to him and to Meredith because they would never have that chance again and she knew what it felt like, watching people pass on something you can't have and want with ever fibre of your being. So she did the only thing she could think of, her brain slowly shutting down, not trusting herself to open her mouth and say something even remotely coherent. Snaking her hand behind his neck, she pulled him down to her. Afraid of inadvertently scaring her or confusing her, just went with it. He let her drag him down, thoroughly enjoying how she was taking control yet she was hesitating all at the same time. To both their surprises she stopped when she was millimetres away from his face. They were practically touching, they could feel the heat of the other's body being so close and were basically breathing the same air. This wasn't a first kiss. It wasn't their first kiss, but it might have been as well. They knew what it felt like, precisely, where the hands would land, how their noses would bump against each other and how ticklish Owen's stubble was. It had been more than a year and this felt more than just a kiss even before it happened.
Unable to resist any more Owen wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her to him, causing her lips to touch his. After a momentary shock, her other hand went right up to his cheek and she finally kissed him. Properly. Warm soft lips on his rougher ones, exactly as they remembered. Better, definitely so much better. It was slow and somewhat tentative, they both knew what lay ahead and neither wanted to rush this. When Owen's other hand travelled up her back, pulling her to him in a way that resulted in her body twisting in an unnatural and uncomfortable looking way – not to mention how awkward it felt with the two of them still sitting next to each other – she deepened the kiss . Both of them forgot about the rest of the world entirely in that fraction of a second. They were so involved into one another that seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into changing the angle to catch their breath. Fortunately, their hands were still in relatively safe places because all of a sudden the bedroom door burst open to reveal a tipsy Callie Torres.
Instinctively they pulled away from each other, blushing a deep crimson that matched Owen's tie. Both avoiding the other's gaze as well as Callie's. "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt anything." She grimaced, slowly taking in the scene before her, making a never-ending list of questions to ask.
Owen, ready to dig in a hole and disappear was already on his feet and before giving Amelia a look and a wink, he excused himself returning to the party. Callie eyed Amelia suspiciously, the alcohol was making her own brain slower."How does this figure in that policy of yours?"
Amelia let out a sound she wasn't aware she could make and stared at the door, knowing she was a cat to Callie's lion and she'd never be able to make a run for it. She sighed and unconsciously touched her lips, feeling a grin spread over her face when she realised she wasn't wearing lipstick anymore, which meant it was all over Owen's face. Finding the courage she stood, walking the couple of steps, stopping where Callie was standing. She winked. "I made an exception."
This thing's title should have been 'insomnia: how much worse can my back pain get'. Really I'm not even sure it's good, but I figured why not. Someone might even enjoy reading this. I was seriously all hyped up on painkillers when this came out of my head.