AN: Bear in mind that I do love the Harry Potter books. This is just done for my own personal (and insane) amusement. It's follows the movies timing of events rather than the books I don't own 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' only the DVD. Oh, and I absolutely LOVE Hagrid, but he's not all that bright in this FF. Hey, it's only a parody! I had fun doing it and I hope you enjoy reading it.

Disclaimer: If I were JKR, why would I make a stupid imitation of my books? Therefore, it is concluded that I am not JK Rowling.

A boy with a freaky star who is constantly tortured by his fat cousin is in the zoo. It's his cousin's birthday. They are near the snake pen (is it called a pen? Well, it is now).

Snake: Wazzup, man?

Harry (the boy with the scar): Wow, I can talk to snakes!

Dudley (the cousin): I want to, too!

Harry: No! I'm the only one who can. You can't because you suck! And, for revenge…

Dudley falls in with the snake. He gives a very girlish squeal of fear and then has a major break-down.

****

Suddenly, a letter arrives then.

Harry: Yay! I love getting mail!

However, when Harry tries to open it, the envelope gets snatched away form him.

Vernon (Freaky Scar boy's uncle; Fat Cousin's dad): Nuh-uh, buddy. I'm gonna take this one.

Harry (mutters): Butthead.

****

(Scene replays regularly as more letters arrive even on a Sunday (ah, the shock!); Vernon cracks)

Vernon: We're going to live on a rock!

Petunia (Butthead Uncle's wife; Freaky Scar's aunt; Fat Cousin's mother): Sweetie, you missed a spot shaving.

Vernon: Oh… um, yeah, moving can wait. Let me take care of this first.

****

Finally, they move to the 'rock'. Vernon rented a limousine for the occasion since he always needs to go around in style. Harry, on the other hand, is sitting in a pink rusty wagon which is attached to the car by a fifty foot-long rope.

Harry: Will you stop narrating. It's bad enough as it is.

I apologize, Mr. Sensitive.

Harry here called me something you would not expect a 10-going-to-be-11 year old to know. Oh, well.

****

Finally it is Harry's birthday. Hurray, hurray, whatever. As he is pathetically singing to himself at midnight, a disco ball emerges from the roof of the shack they are living in.

Harry: Wow! NOW it's a party!

Sadly, the party is not held since at that moment the door broke down. A friendly giant comes in.

Friendly Giant: I'm 'Agrid. Dude, you're a, like, magician.

Harry: A magician?

Hagrid: Man, you know, like, a wizard? I dunno what they're called anymore. I got kicked out when I was in, you know, like, my third year.

Harry (says all of this in a super-fast voice): Because you were wrongfully accused of opening the Chamber of Secrets and were banned from school. But Dumbledore, the kindly gentleman, kept you as a groundskeeper because he knew that you had nowhere to go and that you were innocent?

Hagrid (surprised): Duuuuh, how do you, like, know all that?

[pause]

Harry: I've read the other books.

****

(So Hagrid scares the Dursleys (Crazy/Jealous Aunt, Butthead Uncle, Fat Cousin) and he and Harry escape to a hidden street. Ooooooh!)

Harry (screams): VOLDEMORT!

Everyone freaks out in Diagon Alley and the wizarding world erupts into unmanageable chaos.

Harry: Hee hee! This is FUN!

****

Hagrid: Let me tell you a story…

Harry (interrupts): Already heard it.

Hagrid (frusturated): I HAVE TO STICK TO THE PLOT OF THE BOOK!

Harry (irritated; mutters): Fine, don't let me keep your panties in a knot.

Hagrid: There used to be this dude who was very mean and who stole my—my--… I'm sorry. (gets handkerchief and blows hard into it) He stole my stuffed Barney!!! Boo-hoo.

Harry: (blinks twice) Dude, seriously.

****

(Mysterious music playing, wispy old guy walks in, dust is swishing around him)

Ollivander's guy: Ah… Harry Potter. I was (cough) wondering when (cough) I would see…

Old guy croaks. Kicks the bucket. Checks out. Pops off. Bites the dust. DIES. (An almost direct quote from 'the Mediator: Love You to Death' by Meg Cabot. Which I also don't own, incidentally.)

Harry: Great. Now who's going to tell me that my brother is the wizard who killed me?

Ollivander's guy (wakes up suddenly): NO! That's not it… You're not the brother of a great evil wizard your wand and his w—

Harry: SHUT UP! Aren't you supposed to be dead?

O.G (scoffingly): You said you've read the other books. You know that in Harry Potter, when you're dead you're not really dead. You're just gone.

Harry: And the difference would be…

O.G. (in case you're painstakingly slow and haven't figured it out, 'O.G' stands for 'Ollivander's Guy' or 'Old Guy'): Remember in the fourth book when your parents—

He never continued the sentence as Harry began ramming his fist in his stomach. The scene turns black. Two minutes later, you get to see again.

Harry: I'm terribly sorry for the delay; that was rated PG-13 for violence.

O.G is dead on the floor.

Harry: Don't worry, he'll be alive and well in 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' to give some more creepy advice.

****

Hagrid gets Harry a present for turning 11.

Harry: A pigeon? Haven't you heard of Xbox? Or Wii?

****

Harry names his owl Hedwig.

Nothing I could say can make this seem funnier, no matter how hard I try.

No, wait.

Um, HEDWIG????

****

So, Harry goes on a train where he is sits with a poor red-haired boy.

Harry (smugly): You're going to be very jealous of me on the next books.

[pause]

Where's your sister, anyway?

Ron (Poor Red-Head): I DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD FOOD!!!

Harry: Chill, man. I'm loaded.

(Freaky Scar shows Poor Red-Head his money)

Ron: Ooooooh. They're so SHINY!

Harry: Is everyone in the wizarding world a loser?

AN: I hope you liked it. I meant no deliberate offense to any of the characters, so you can put those pitchforks and torches DOWN! Gently. Gently! Ok, good. (wipes sweat off forehead) Do you want me to continue? You know what to do. Review, review, REVIEW!