Bitter, a d.gray-man fanfic

Warning: mentions of blood and sexual situations.
Disclaimer: I own only the plot. All characters are property of their respective owners.

"Watch it, bean sprout."

"My name is Allen."

Weeks later, Allen knew that he and Kanda would repeat this little scene, as if they were rehearsing for a play over and over again. It never failed to capture everyone's attention, wherever they happened to perform; they always received the same wary looks as they recited the same lines. Allen wondered about their façade, and if any of them could see through it, the way his left eye could spot an akuma.

He wasn't sure he remembered how this started, either. He recalled being asleep in his room after reading one of Lavi's texts that he older teen had lent him before leaving on a long mission; the book was lying open on the bed next to him. He had just come home from a mission, sore all over and tired from traveling. Allen had dropped the books on the floor once he'd entered his room, stripping off the dirty traveling clothes as he made his way to his bed. He didn't know when he had dropped off to sleep – all he remembered was feeling a presence leaning over him, and he opened his eyes to see Kanda's angry stare directly above him.

Jumping in surprise, he let out of a short yelp before he was pushed back onto the bed.

"Kanda?" Allen struggled for breathe. "What are you doing here? You scared me."

Wordlessly, Kanda's eyes drifted down to Allen's abdomen, where a large purple bruise had begun to form. "It's nothing," Allen quickly replied, pulling at the open button-down shirt. He paused then, looking down at himself. "Did you open my shirt?" he asked Kanda.

The response he received was so unexpected, Allen wondered if he had dreamed the whole thing up. Kanda had leaned down, his face getting awfully close to Allen's, and a soft kiss was placed on the corner of his mouth. Allen didn't have time to close his eyes; he was so startled by the action.

When Kanda had pulled away, Allen laid there, eyes wide and body tense with curiosity. It wasn't until Kanda put his hand on the bruise that Allen moved.

"What-?"

"You should take better care of yourself," Kanda remarked, then got up from the bed and left the room.

When Allen woke up the following morning, he found out that Kanda had already left for a new mission. Something akin to disappointment flooded through him, but he shoved it down and headed off to find breakfast. He had to read those books from Lavi anyway, he didn't have time to dwell on…well, whatever it was that had happened between them.

Kanda returned a few days later. By then, Allen had already forgotten about the incident between them the other night, so when he went to bed, he had not expected a visitor. He was awoken by a strange warmth on his neck, slightly wet and heavy, and he opened his eyes to find that it was Kanda. The older exorcist was lying over him, his mouth on the boy's throat. Allen gasped, receiving a quick bite right beneath his ear.

"Kanda?" he whispered.

A slow, steady tongue licked along the shell of his ear in response. Allen shivered. What was Kanda doing? Trying to keep as still as possible, he felt every move that Kanda made, the way his hair was brushing against his cheek, and the feel of his body over his, barely touching him. Allen wondered how Kanda had the strength to hold himself up like that.

Suddenly, Kanda dropped his body, pressing Allen deep into the mattress and pushing their bodies fully together. Allen gasped in surprise, his hands flying up to Kanda's shoulders. He could feel hands on his own waist, pushing the fabric of his shirt up; the fingers tickled, and Allen squirmed to avoid them, trying to throw them off. Kanda gave a low moan at this, and, if it were even possible, pressed himself even more against the boy.

Allen was quite sure that he had no idea what was happening anymore. The pressure from Kanda's body, the way he was licking and biting his neck – it was all new and weird to him. Allen felt something poking him, a hard jab in his pelvis, and he tried to squirm away from it. Kanda gave the strangest noises when he did that, so Allen immediately stopped, frozen in confusion.

"Umm…Kanda?" he asked.

The older boy had stopped moving, and was breathing heavily into Allen's neck. In one swift move, he had lifted himself off of Allen and was sitting on the edge of the bed. Slowly, Allen sat up too, if not a little dazedly, and propped himself on his elbows.

He regarded Kanda with questioning eyes. It seemed as if Kanda was contemplating something, the way he was staring at the floor. Allen wanted to say something to break the silence, but he was so confused on everything that was going on that he had no idea where to begin. He had not been the one to start this little charade, and Kanda seemed unwilling to explain.

"I'm sorry," he suddenly said, catching Allen off guard. He did not look up.

Allen pushed himself up further so that he was leaning towards Kanda. "Why do you keep coming to my room?" Allen wasn't fully aware he had said anything until Kanda turned and looked at him.

"Why don't you stop me?" Kanda retorted, and Allen pondered over that for so long that when he thought of a way to respond, the spot Kanda had last been was cold.

Allen's next mission was given a few days later, and he was told that he'd be going with Kanda.

It was not an easy mission. They were told that a city's abandoned monastery appeared to be haunted, and that finder's were reporting a large number of suspected akuma in the vicinity. When they arrived, Kanda had immediately decided they'd do better separately, and had run off in one direction, leaving Allen to find his own way.

The first akuma he'd come across had been easy, but he'd still gotten bruised pretty badly. Clutching at his sore arm, he ran down a hallway only to have a second one blindside him. Having no time to react, he hit the wall hard and slumped to the floor, dazed and hurt.

Showing no mercy, the akuma lunged at him, knocking them both through the wall and into the courtyard outside. Allen rubbed at his aching head, trying to stand on wobbly legs, when he heard a loud yell from nearby. Realizing that it was Kanda, he looked around wildly, only to see that Kanda had destroyed the akuma he had been fighting.

He turned and glanced at the rooftop in time to see Kanda disappearing in the moonlight.

Allen didn't see Kanda again until nearly dawn. By then, Allen's right shoulder was bleeding badly and his head still hurt from earlier. He had wandered back out into the courtyard, which was now filled with rubble and debris, looking for any sign of Kanda. In the faint light, he saw Kanda's shadow, alert and poised, looking around for any akuma.

Walking towards him, Allen noticed that Kanda turned quickly, fearing an enemy. He relaxed upon seeing Allen's white head of hair and made his way towards the younger exorcist, weaving his way around stone slabs from the old decrepit building.

"Are you okay?" Kanda asked. He stopped a few feet away, his eyes fixed on Allen's bleeding shoulder. He seemed hesitant to come any closer.

Allen watched him, wondering what Kanda could be thinking and why he seemed so worried. Allen wanted to approach him. He knew he had courage, but he was scared, much more afraid than he'd ever been when fighting with an akuma, and all he wanted to do in that moment was walk towards Kanda.

Allen put a tentative hand out, and it was that movement that started a chain reaction; the next thing he knew, he had the front of Kanda's coat clutched in that hand and he was staring up at the older boy, probably wide-eyed and shocked at his own actions. Kanda had a similar look on his face.

He gasped when he felt Kanda's hands on his waist; the touch of a similar memory, in a bed and a hint of naked skin, came to mind. Kanda's hands were gentle, mindful of current wounds, but he pressed his hands into Allen and pulled him even closer, leaning down as he did so, until they were sharing the same air.

Allen was the one who reached up that last bit and touched his lips to Kanda's. He had not expected it to be so soft or warm, or to become overloaded on sensation. He was afraid his knees would collapse and that he'd fall into Kanda, but on second thought, maybe he was already falling for the older boy.

It became a something of a game after that, their little relationship. Kanda hadn't said that Allen should keep quiet about it, but it was implied in the way he acted towards him in public. Day after day, Allen would respond angrily to Kanda's nickname and listen as Kanda said he wanted nothing to do with a cursed boy. It was different at night, when Kanda traced the markings on his face, a soft look in his eyes.

Allen still wondered what had caused Kanda to come to his room in the first place. He was more surprised by his own actions, questioning himself on what had made him kiss Kanda in the monastery courtyard.

Granted, there was so much more than kissing involved now.

After they had come back from the mission, Kanda had been unable to visit Allen. Allen's shoulder had been damaged pretty badly, and it had taken quite a few days for it to heal. As soon as Allen was able to move it without worry, Kanda had been there, kissing the scarred skin and causing Allen's heart to speed up. He couldn't make sense of this, wondered if he should, and in the end told himself that the answers would come eventually.

It was similar each night, when they had time and weren't on missions. Allen never thought to wonder how Kanda knew where his room was, but each night he was there, letting himself in through the unlocked door and climbing into Allen's bed. For awhile, it had simply been a lot of kissing and fondling, hands running over bare chests and giving bite marks to each others necks. It never occurred to Allen that there could be more.

Kanda showed him how wrong he was.

He had felt Kanda's hand drifting lower and lower, his fingertips tickling the fine hairs on his belly, but when Kanda's hands wrapped around his half-hard length, Allen nearly jumped a foot off the bed.

"You okay?" Kanda asked.

"Umm, yeah," he lied. He felt startled, a bit overwhelmed, but overall he liked that Kanda's hand was on him. This was all new to him, but he figured if he liked it so much, it couldn't be bad. When Kanda's hand began to move on him, stroking the hard flesh up and down, Allen had a bit of trouble trying to keep his voice low. The feeling was too good, so unfamiliar and shocking. Kanda kissed him, shushing him as best he could as his hand continued to move.

Being Allen's first sexual encounter, it didn't last long. Kanda had just enough warning before his hand became wet and sticky, his bottom lip sporting a cut from Allen's overzealousness. Allen was aware of Kanda's stare, but it was different from before – less glaring overall, and lacking the artic chill it usually possessed. Now, Allen felt like he was being studied.

Their bedroom adventures continued to progress slowly. Kanda never complained, never asked questions, and Allen's only indication that Kanda was actually getting something out of this was his constant nightly returns. With time, Allen had learned how to please Kanda in all the same ways as him, knew his favorite positions and acts. It was always in a bedroom, always safely hidden from stray eyes, almost as if Kanda were afraid of their little liaison.

Allen kept his silence. When he kneeled between Kanda's legs and worked his lips over the older boy's erection, he told himself that this is what he wanted. He had been the one to kiss Kanda the first time, he never pushed Kanda away. Yet, there always seemed to be some sort of distance between them, a rift of some magnitude that Kanda wanted there.

The first time Kanda's fingers - all cold and wet and slippery - ventured to Allen's rear, he had balked. Quickly sitting up in the bed so as to block his ass, he looked at Kanda wide eyed and had flat out told him, "No."

Kanda had not liked that answer at all.

There ended up being no sex whatsoever that night. Allen had to wonder if he had done something wrong.

Kanda left on a mission the following afternoon. He said not a word of it to Allen. When Allen questioned Lenalee where Kanda had gone, she told him that he had requested an immediate mission.

"I don't know when he'll be back," she replied. "He went with Lavi, so it shouldn't be too long. Maybe by the end of the week we'll see him again." She hurried along, carrying a tray of coffee mugs to the Science Department.

A full week passed. Allen didn't sleep well the entire time. He wasn't sure if it was his imagination or not, but his bed felt colder. He kept falling into a restless sleep, waiting to hear his bedroom door open, the soft pattering of Kanda's footsteps on the floorboards as he approached his bed.

Allen noticed that his left eye was acting weird, too. He cautiously approached Komui about it, hoping the man wouldn't poke and prod and scare him half to death. Komui merely explained it was evolving again, and he told Allen to wear an eye-patch for awhile and to be careful. Before the boy left his office though, he offered to perform some surgery on it, to which Allen declined and quickly ran out.

When Allen was called to Komui's office again a few days later, he was a little surprised that he was going on a mission. He was even more put off when Lavi walked in the room, and Komui declared they were going together, even if Allen's eye was not exactly useable. Allen's first thought was that Lenalee had been mistaken about Lavi joining Kanda on his sudden mission; a small, bitter part of him doubted that, and wondered what Kanda was up to.

Both Allen and Lavi left the next day. There was still no sign of Kanda.

They were sent to a snowy town in an extremely illusive area. Reports of mysterious things had been coming from the town for months, so when Lavi and Allen showed up, they were surprised to find a well populated town and a welcoming mayor.

The two boys stayed at the local Inn on the edge of the town, sharing the only room with a fireplace. They looked over the reports they'd been given by the Order, trying to decipher what was going on in the town.

"I kind of wish Kanda was here," Lavi said suddenly. Allen's head shot up to stare at him curiously. "He'd get straight to the point with that mayor and we wouldn't have to stay in this cold place for long."

Allen managed a strained smile. "Yeah, Kanda has no patience." Lavi laughed at that.

They stayed in the town for a few more days before they discovered that the town needed to be completely eradicated. "We should have realized sooner," Lavi replied solemnly. "It's a shame your eye was out of commission for so long." With Lavi's hammer, they managed to make quick work of the akuma massacre before heading to a neighboring town to catch a train back to the Order.

"I wonder where Kanda is now," Lavi had replied suddenly, and again Allen turned to look at him with surprise.

"Who cares," Allen grumbled. "Kanda's just a rude, arrogant jerk."

Lavi leaned forward and poked Allen in the nose. "Aww, come on Allen!" Lavi laughed. "It's not like Kanda hates you or anything. He's just an obsessive, possessive and ignorant idiot sometimes. He's been requesting missions like crazy lately. Either something's on his mind that he wants to avoid, or he's finally finding some clues to what he's after."

Allen wondered how Lavi knew Kanda so well, but reminded himself that the two of them had been in the Order a lot longer than he had.

Upon their return, they find that there was news of Kanda. He left two days ago on yet another mission, without Komui's permission, and his golem was in the front entrance way; it looked like someone had stepped on it. No one had any idea where Kanda was headed, and Komui couldn't find any mission reports missing from the huge pile on his desk.

It was a week later when a finder contacted the Order and told them he had Kanda in his possession. Komui quickly locked himself in his office, and everyone was trying to press their ears to any crack in the door.

The sound of squeaky static over one of the golems sounded. "Kanda Yuu is currently being detained at the Black Order's Asian branch," they faintly heard the Finder say. "He is without any sort of proper mission report, golem, or uniform. The only things on his person were his sword and a ticket for a ship to Japan."

"I want him back here immediately," was Komui's reply. Then everyone at the door was forced to scramble as the golem's line went dead and the doorknob began to turn. Komui did not look happy as he exited his office, and he quickly retreated to his lab and was not seen until the following morning.

It was four days later than Kanda returned to headquarters. Allen was too busy in the cafeteria to witness it, but everyone knew he was back when they heard a loud yelp from the entrance way and a dozen finders came flying into the room to hide, followed by Lavi. Lavi's jacket was ripped on one of the arms, and it was also sporting a large tear right down the back, but he was smiling oddly as he sat down next to Allen.

"Kanda's got to learn about self-control," he laughed, looking down at his torn clothes. "It's good to have his angry, nasty self back though."

"And I was just getting used to him being gone," Allen remarked jokingly.

"Well, you can enjoy him all you want," Lavi said. "I've got to get ready for my next mission. Give Yuu-chan my love!" He blew some kisses at Allen and walked out of the cafeteria, laughing the entire time.

Allen knew that he was back for real when Kanda came to his room the following night. He'd been detained in the hospital ward his first night back, so Allen had waited up this night, curious to see what would transpire.

When Kanda entered, he looked a bit surprised to see Allen awake in bed and waiting for him. He silently closed the door behind him, and then stood there cautiously.

Allen was the first to speak. "When you're ready," he said seriously, "you can tell me why you've been running away." And then he smiled at Kanda, and he could see the tension go out of the older boy's shoulders. "Right now, I'm just glad you're back."

It was when Kanda kissed him, hard and bruising and wet, that Allen realized how much he'd truly missed him. He clung to the older exorcists shoulders as Kanda climbed on top of him, pushed him into the mattress. Allen felt suffocated and free all at once, lost to feeling and pleasure.

He asked nothing else of Kanda that night, but allowed the older teen the freedom it seemed he'd been looking for the past months. So when Kanda's head came up from between Allen's spread thighs, he put tentative fingers at Allen's ass and gave the boy a questioning look.

Allen let him.

Things changed a lot from that point. Allen couldn't exactly pinpoint when it had started; he assumed it was a gradual change. Kanda stopped coming every night, but he still continued to visit Allen. And Allen still gave without really expecting to receive anything, at least until Kanda was ready to share. Over time though, Allen wondered if Kanda would ever tell him why he had tried to run away.

Their relationship – or whatever one would call it – made Allen uneasy. Something had always felt off between them, but Allen could never put his finger on what exactly bothered him about it.

His answer came, but not quite in the way he had expected it.

Allen had gone to return some books to Lavi in the Library early one night. He hadn't had a visit from Kanda in over a week, so he'd been reading a lot between missions. When he entered, he didn't immediately see anyone.

Then he heard some familiar noises, noises he and Kanda made in the middle of the night. Allen was about to turn around and leave, but something caught his attention: a name, a voice, the sound of a moan. As quietly as he could, Allen moved to peek behind a bookshelf. He had to be sure.

Random articles of clothing were haphazardly thrown about the small area. Kanda was lying on the edge of one of the desks. Lavi was leaning over him, biting at his throat as he stood between Kanda's spread legs. His hips were slamming into Kanda's, and Allen didn't have to look too closely to know what was going on.

He couldn't move. A horrible, sour taste filled his mouth. Allen felt like a replacement piece, like a runner up in some contest. It was almost as if he were the other person in a lustful affair. Rooted to the spot, he could only watch as Kanda moaned beneath the red-haired teen. Submissively, Kanda allowed Lavi to lead, something Allen always gave freely to Kanda.

It was in one ugly, bitter moment that Allen understood.

(A/N: Please Review. Thank-you very much.)