Banjo-Threeie (No, really this time! I'm not kidding! Really!)
Rated PG
By DKS/BK2K and Baby Myuu/Nyanko
After Banjo-Tooie 1/2, where Mumbo and Humba were married (but they were still in their wedding clothes), they decided to rob places at night. They were smashing holes in the side of Spiral Mountain to see if they'd find anything good. Meanwhile, the witch sisters were stealing fish from the moat. They said, "We didn't see nothing if you didn't see nothing!" They unlocked a scary place, the Minjo Village. The Minjo King, King Mingaling, had been set free. He ran after Mumbo and Humba, chasing them to their doom. They ran to Mumbo's Skull, but King Mingaling went out. He hit another hole in Spiral Mountain. This led to Femjo Village. Femjos were the female counterparts of the Jinjos. Mingaling was going into Queen Femaling's Throne Room. He loved her, but she hated him. She had heard about King Jingaling, and she wanted to meet him, but she was too shy to go to Jinjo Village. Femaling knocked Mingaling out of the village.
Meanwhile, in the morning, Banjo woke up. He and Kazooie went out, and saw more holes in Spiral Mountain. Banjo was like, "Who keeps making these holes?" Banjo said, "The witch sisters, duh!" Kazooie said, "Can't be them, they're good now!" Banjo said.
In Jinjo Village, Jingaling woke up and went into Spiral Mountain. He said, "Who's been digging all those holes again?" Mumbo and Humba were looking guilty. "We were having..." LIBERTY BELL MARCH! DOODOODOO....MEOWTH: AAAAAGGGKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "As Mumbo was saying..." Jingaling interrupted by saying "Hey, what's in the holes?" He was going through the holes. He went through the one that led to Femjo Village. Banjo, Kazooie, Mumbo, and Humba followed him. The witch sisters were busy repairing Banjo's barbecue, which was broken after they knocked it over at the end of Banjo-Kazooie.
Then, at Femjo Village, the Femjos exited their houses and saw Jingaling. They said, "Hey, it's Jingaling! Our queen, Femaling wants to see you. She wants to give you something. And here are some souvenirs!" They were giving Jingaling some Doubloons. He went into Queen Femaling's Throne Room. He went up to her, but she was too shy to talk to him, so she pretended not to see him by smoking cigarettes. But she lost her lighter. Jingaling then pulled out a lighter and lit the cigarette for her. "Need a light?" he said. "No, I don't smoke," Femaling said. "Well, neither do I." DKS said, "OK, OK, what's with the cigarette talk? Let's get back to the game now."
Meanwhile, outside of the Throne Room, Banjo asked Mumbo, "What were you saying back there?" Mumbo said, "We were having..." The Femjos interrupted, "Are you Banjo Bear?" Banjo said, "Yep." "So you're probably looking for the Ridiculously Secret Area 1, right?" "Correct," said Kazooie. The Femjos said, "We know where it is, but we are being attacked by the evil King Mingaling of Minjo Village. If you can defeat the Evil King, we shall show you the way. But I recommend you get powered up, as it is a tough fight. To find it, go to Mayahem Temple and see Chief Bloatazin. He will power you up. However, be prepared to go through a Zelda-type quest." Banjo said, "Hey, to get to Ridiculously Secret Area 1, anything!" So the heroes set off for Mayahem Temple.
Banjo and Kazooie had went to Mayahem Temple and noticed the whole place was lifeless. Not a single Sput Sput, Moggie, or Stony was in sight. The place was all gray. It was covered with dark clouds. "Err, Kazooie..." Banjo said. "What happened here?" Kazooie asked. "I don't know, but it can't be good." "Look at the Kickball Stadium! Targitzan's Temple! The Code Chamber! Bovina's shed! They're all rubble! Even the Golden Goliath is gone!" "But the Treasure Chamber is still there. There's a chance we can still see Chief Bloatazin." "Let's go." But on the way in there, they were encountered by Devil Bottles, Old Friend Look-Alike. He asked, "Halt! Who dares enter Devil Bottles' forbidden piece of rubble?" Banjo said, "We need to see Chief Bloatazin." Devil Bottles said, "Old Bloatazin is sad. He doesn't want any visitors!" Kazooie said, "We need to see him, so we can whack the King Mingaling!" Devil Bottles replied with, "King Mingaling? He is my friend! Prepare to meet your doom!" Devil Bottles was shooting an electric shock through his fork. It couldn't be avoided - the Golden Feathers were useless. Devil Bottles said, "Hahahahaha! You can not dodge that attack!" Banjo said, "We gotta find some way to lure it into him." So this time, Banjo let Kazooie do the walking. They got the Running Shoes just in time. This time, Devil Bottles shot the shock, but Banjo and Kazooie ran behind him. The spell hit himself in the chest! This temporarily knocked him unconscious, so Banjo and Kazooie charged up the Golden Feather and rammed him. So then Devil Bottles had a bruise on his chest. He then shot another spell, which was fatal. But Banjo and Kazooie ducked it just in time. But it hit him in the mouth. He said, "Mmm, I love purple and cherry... KABOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The spell exploded in his stomach, and he was no more. So Banjo and Kazooie entered the Treasure Chamber. Everything looked normal inside, except for Chief Bloatazin, who was sitting in a corner, crying. "Hey, Bloatazin, what's wrong?" Banjo asked. Bloatazin replied with, "The...entire Mayahem Temple... destroyed! King Mingaling and his servants... wreaking havoc on the Temple! Now I'm... the only one left." Kazooie said, "Don't worry. We were going to whack that Minjo's butt!" Bloatazin said, "You were, Banjo? OK, take this bottle of Black Croctusade. Give it to Cheato. Do not drink it, as it is poisonous to honey bears, and will kill them if they drink it."
So Banjo and Kazooie headed off for Grunty's Old Lair. The rocks had been cleared... some of the way. When they were going to pass where the 260 Note Door was, Cheato was lying down next to it, breathing heavily. He noticed Banjo and said, "Banjo...heavy breathing noise...I'm so....tired! Trying to...move rocks...out of energy....can't go further!" Banjo said, handing the Black Croctusade to Cheato, "Here, this is from Chief Bloatazin." Cheato used his pages to pour the Croctusade down his spine. "I am refreshed! I can continue to break these rocks! Follow me on the way. Tumblar has something for you." So Cheato continued to break the rocks until they got to the entrance to Click Clock Wood. Tumblar was right outside. He said, "Banjo! You finally made it! I heard you got a message to tell me from Guffo." Banjo said, "I don't know any Guffo. Kazooie, you went to his Trash Can, right?" Kazooie said, "Yes. He just told me to tell all my friends they were welcome to visit." Tumblar said, "Thanks!" as he warped off to Guffo's Trash Can. When he did, a Gruntilda pad appeared. Gruntilda popped up. She said, "Hello, Banjo. These are one of my pads. Summon me and I will teach you a free move. This one is called the Slot Machine Buster. It will allow you fire coins in 1,000 different directions at once. This is useful for destroying slot machines. Now you must go to Witchyworld." Banjo said, "Let's go, Kazooie!"
So when the heroes made it to Witchyworld, it was totally up and running, with new rides and attractions. Banjo said, "Kazooie?" Kazooie said, "This is a dream come true!" "I've always wanted to see an amusement park this big!" There was a Casino there. This was probably where they were supposed to go, as they had just learned the Slot Machine Buster. There was a smaller Gruntilda Pad in there. On these, she just gave them hints. "Try out a slot machine before destroying it. If you win something, don't destroy it, or you won't get anything. Try until you win nothing, then destroy it. If you win nothing, just destroy the machine. You'll get something." Then there was another one that said, "Here are the scores: 3 Banjos gets you 1 Gold coin. 3 Kazooies is 3 Gold Coins. 3 Mumbos in 5 Gold Coins. 3 B-K logos get you 7 Gold Coins. 3 Jiggies get you 9 Gold Coins. 3 Jinjos is 11. However, 3 B-Ts get you nothing, but don't destroy it yet. You will always win a certain number of times in a row, so you don't need to try real hard." Then there was another one that said, "If you have read all 3 of these Gruntilda Pads, you win a prize!" Banjo had won 15 Gold Coins. So then he decided to try out the slot machine. He was lucky. He kept getting 3 Jinjos. However, then he got a B-Ks but still one something. But when it wasn't anything in a row, he used that Slot Machine Buster to destroy the Slot Machine and won 17 Gold Coins. He won thousands of Gold Coins with the others. Then they saw Dingpot! He said, "Finally, Gruntilda is good for something. She allowed me to work here. I will exchange Gold Coins for tickets. 1 ticket is 10 Gold Coins. You can only carry 50 tickets at once." So they deposited 500 Gold Coins to get 50 tickets. Before going on anything, they went to the Train Station. Chuffy the Train was there. They went inside. Old King Coal said, "Heyyyy, Banjo!" Banjo said, "Old King Coal! How are you feeling?" Old King Coal said, "Pretty good. Someone else used my train and opened a ton of Train Stations. Would you like to travel? I now have access to Jungle Japes, Angry Aztec, Frantic Factory, and Gloomy Galleon. Have you heard of any of those places?" "No, not really," Banjo said. "I've been told they are levels in 'Donkey Kong 64'." "We could start by going to Jungle Japes." So then the train left for Jungle Japes.
After exploring a little, they got to "Funky's Armory". Inside, they met Funky the Monkey, "Hey, Banjo-Dude! How are you doing?" "Pretty good, Funky. And yourself?" "Oh, I'm all right. Today I got a huge upgrade. But it'll cost you 2 tickets!" They paid the tickets. Then they were able to carry 400 Normal Eggs, 200 Fire Eggs, 100 Grenade Eggs, 200 Ice Eggs, and 40 Clockwork Kazooie Eggs. Also 400 Red Feathers, and 40 Gold Feathers. Their energy was increased to 20 Honeycombs. Banjo said, "We're probably ready for anything!"
So they went through a quest like this (it's too much like Zelda to list here), and were finally ready for a showdown with King Mingaling! (But I'll just say that they could carry 1,600 Normal Eggs, 800 Fire Eggs, 400 Grenade Eggs, 800 Ice Eggs, 160 Clockwork Kazooie Eggs, and 40 Bullets (they're so powerful they could originally only carry 10) and 80 Honeycombs (Red ones, so actually 160). They also had Magic to cast spells (courtesy of Grunty). Now they were totally ready. So Banjo and Kazooie went to Minjo Village, and easily fought through all the Minjos until they reached King Mingaling, Devious Spell-Casting Jinjo... Guy. He said, "So, you think you can defeat me, eh?" "Of course? Why else would we be here?" Kazooie says (because a nearby Grunty Pad said, "King Mingaling's greatest weakness is his own stupidity.") Grunty called in and said, "Use this Flight Pad and get him to swallow a powerful shot!" "Hey that's my job!" Bottles said. However it was, they got him to swallow a Grenade Egg. "What is that, a Grenade Egg?" "Of course it is!" Banjo said. "D'oh!" Mingaling said. So then they got him to swallow a Bullet, and he exploded.
Now, they had returned to Femjo Village, and told all the Femjos that Mingaling had been defeated. So now Banjo and Kazooie had access to Ridiculously Secret Area, but first they stayed for a celebration, and Jingaling and Femaling could finally get together! They had also composed this song. You may sing along if you want. Sing to the tune of Jinjo Village. Well, here we go!
(Jinjos and Femjos)
Love in any la-anguage, stra-aight from the heart,
Pulls us all toge-ether, ne-e-e-ve-er apat
Once we learn to spe-eak it, all the world will hear,
Love in any la-anguage, fluently spo-oken here!
(King Jingaling and Queen Femaling)
We all will te-each the yo-oung our differences,
Ye-et look how we are the same,
Love to laugh, we dream our dreams,
We also know the sting of pain
From Mumbo's pla-ace to Cauldron Keep,
The farmer really loves-his-land,
And fathers gets misty-eyed to give their daughter's ha-a-a-and
(bridge)
(King Jingaling and Queen Femaling)
Love in any la-anguage, all the world will hear,
Love in any la-anguage, fluenty spo-oken here.
Though the rhetoric of go-overnemnt, may keep us villages apart,
But there is no misinterpreting the language of the hea-a-art
(bridge)
Love in any la-anguage, all the world will hear,
Love in any la-anguage, fluently spo-oken here.
Fluently spo-oken here!
(A closing black circle engulfs Jingy and Femmy, but then Mumbo runs in front)
Mumbo: Wait! Mumbo not tell what doing at beginning! We were having...
THE END
Rated PG
By DKS/BK2K and Baby Myuu/Nyanko
After Banjo-Tooie 1/2, where Mumbo and Humba were married (but they were still in their wedding clothes), they decided to rob places at night. They were smashing holes in the side of Spiral Mountain to see if they'd find anything good. Meanwhile, the witch sisters were stealing fish from the moat. They said, "We didn't see nothing if you didn't see nothing!" They unlocked a scary place, the Minjo Village. The Minjo King, King Mingaling, had been set free. He ran after Mumbo and Humba, chasing them to their doom. They ran to Mumbo's Skull, but King Mingaling went out. He hit another hole in Spiral Mountain. This led to Femjo Village. Femjos were the female counterparts of the Jinjos. Mingaling was going into Queen Femaling's Throne Room. He loved her, but she hated him. She had heard about King Jingaling, and she wanted to meet him, but she was too shy to go to Jinjo Village. Femaling knocked Mingaling out of the village.
Meanwhile, in the morning, Banjo woke up. He and Kazooie went out, and saw more holes in Spiral Mountain. Banjo was like, "Who keeps making these holes?" Banjo said, "The witch sisters, duh!" Kazooie said, "Can't be them, they're good now!" Banjo said.
In Jinjo Village, Jingaling woke up and went into Spiral Mountain. He said, "Who's been digging all those holes again?" Mumbo and Humba were looking guilty. "We were having..." LIBERTY BELL MARCH! DOODOODOO....MEOWTH: AAAAAGGGKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "As Mumbo was saying..." Jingaling interrupted by saying "Hey, what's in the holes?" He was going through the holes. He went through the one that led to Femjo Village. Banjo, Kazooie, Mumbo, and Humba followed him. The witch sisters were busy repairing Banjo's barbecue, which was broken after they knocked it over at the end of Banjo-Kazooie.
Then, at Femjo Village, the Femjos exited their houses and saw Jingaling. They said, "Hey, it's Jingaling! Our queen, Femaling wants to see you. She wants to give you something. And here are some souvenirs!" They were giving Jingaling some Doubloons. He went into Queen Femaling's Throne Room. He went up to her, but she was too shy to talk to him, so she pretended not to see him by smoking cigarettes. But she lost her lighter. Jingaling then pulled out a lighter and lit the cigarette for her. "Need a light?" he said. "No, I don't smoke," Femaling said. "Well, neither do I." DKS said, "OK, OK, what's with the cigarette talk? Let's get back to the game now."
Meanwhile, outside of the Throne Room, Banjo asked Mumbo, "What were you saying back there?" Mumbo said, "We were having..." The Femjos interrupted, "Are you Banjo Bear?" Banjo said, "Yep." "So you're probably looking for the Ridiculously Secret Area 1, right?" "Correct," said Kazooie. The Femjos said, "We know where it is, but we are being attacked by the evil King Mingaling of Minjo Village. If you can defeat the Evil King, we shall show you the way. But I recommend you get powered up, as it is a tough fight. To find it, go to Mayahem Temple and see Chief Bloatazin. He will power you up. However, be prepared to go through a Zelda-type quest." Banjo said, "Hey, to get to Ridiculously Secret Area 1, anything!" So the heroes set off for Mayahem Temple.
Banjo and Kazooie had went to Mayahem Temple and noticed the whole place was lifeless. Not a single Sput Sput, Moggie, or Stony was in sight. The place was all gray. It was covered with dark clouds. "Err, Kazooie..." Banjo said. "What happened here?" Kazooie asked. "I don't know, but it can't be good." "Look at the Kickball Stadium! Targitzan's Temple! The Code Chamber! Bovina's shed! They're all rubble! Even the Golden Goliath is gone!" "But the Treasure Chamber is still there. There's a chance we can still see Chief Bloatazin." "Let's go." But on the way in there, they were encountered by Devil Bottles, Old Friend Look-Alike. He asked, "Halt! Who dares enter Devil Bottles' forbidden piece of rubble?" Banjo said, "We need to see Chief Bloatazin." Devil Bottles said, "Old Bloatazin is sad. He doesn't want any visitors!" Kazooie said, "We need to see him, so we can whack the King Mingaling!" Devil Bottles replied with, "King Mingaling? He is my friend! Prepare to meet your doom!" Devil Bottles was shooting an electric shock through his fork. It couldn't be avoided - the Golden Feathers were useless. Devil Bottles said, "Hahahahaha! You can not dodge that attack!" Banjo said, "We gotta find some way to lure it into him." So this time, Banjo let Kazooie do the walking. They got the Running Shoes just in time. This time, Devil Bottles shot the shock, but Banjo and Kazooie ran behind him. The spell hit himself in the chest! This temporarily knocked him unconscious, so Banjo and Kazooie charged up the Golden Feather and rammed him. So then Devil Bottles had a bruise on his chest. He then shot another spell, which was fatal. But Banjo and Kazooie ducked it just in time. But it hit him in the mouth. He said, "Mmm, I love purple and cherry... KABOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The spell exploded in his stomach, and he was no more. So Banjo and Kazooie entered the Treasure Chamber. Everything looked normal inside, except for Chief Bloatazin, who was sitting in a corner, crying. "Hey, Bloatazin, what's wrong?" Banjo asked. Bloatazin replied with, "The...entire Mayahem Temple... destroyed! King Mingaling and his servants... wreaking havoc on the Temple! Now I'm... the only one left." Kazooie said, "Don't worry. We were going to whack that Minjo's butt!" Bloatazin said, "You were, Banjo? OK, take this bottle of Black Croctusade. Give it to Cheato. Do not drink it, as it is poisonous to honey bears, and will kill them if they drink it."
So Banjo and Kazooie headed off for Grunty's Old Lair. The rocks had been cleared... some of the way. When they were going to pass where the 260 Note Door was, Cheato was lying down next to it, breathing heavily. He noticed Banjo and said, "Banjo...heavy breathing noise...I'm so....tired! Trying to...move rocks...out of energy....can't go further!" Banjo said, handing the Black Croctusade to Cheato, "Here, this is from Chief Bloatazin." Cheato used his pages to pour the Croctusade down his spine. "I am refreshed! I can continue to break these rocks! Follow me on the way. Tumblar has something for you." So Cheato continued to break the rocks until they got to the entrance to Click Clock Wood. Tumblar was right outside. He said, "Banjo! You finally made it! I heard you got a message to tell me from Guffo." Banjo said, "I don't know any Guffo. Kazooie, you went to his Trash Can, right?" Kazooie said, "Yes. He just told me to tell all my friends they were welcome to visit." Tumblar said, "Thanks!" as he warped off to Guffo's Trash Can. When he did, a Gruntilda pad appeared. Gruntilda popped up. She said, "Hello, Banjo. These are one of my pads. Summon me and I will teach you a free move. This one is called the Slot Machine Buster. It will allow you fire coins in 1,000 different directions at once. This is useful for destroying slot machines. Now you must go to Witchyworld." Banjo said, "Let's go, Kazooie!"
So when the heroes made it to Witchyworld, it was totally up and running, with new rides and attractions. Banjo said, "Kazooie?" Kazooie said, "This is a dream come true!" "I've always wanted to see an amusement park this big!" There was a Casino there. This was probably where they were supposed to go, as they had just learned the Slot Machine Buster. There was a smaller Gruntilda Pad in there. On these, she just gave them hints. "Try out a slot machine before destroying it. If you win something, don't destroy it, or you won't get anything. Try until you win nothing, then destroy it. If you win nothing, just destroy the machine. You'll get something." Then there was another one that said, "Here are the scores: 3 Banjos gets you 1 Gold coin. 3 Kazooies is 3 Gold Coins. 3 Mumbos in 5 Gold Coins. 3 B-K logos get you 7 Gold Coins. 3 Jiggies get you 9 Gold Coins. 3 Jinjos is 11. However, 3 B-Ts get you nothing, but don't destroy it yet. You will always win a certain number of times in a row, so you don't need to try real hard." Then there was another one that said, "If you have read all 3 of these Gruntilda Pads, you win a prize!" Banjo had won 15 Gold Coins. So then he decided to try out the slot machine. He was lucky. He kept getting 3 Jinjos. However, then he got a B-Ks but still one something. But when it wasn't anything in a row, he used that Slot Machine Buster to destroy the Slot Machine and won 17 Gold Coins. He won thousands of Gold Coins with the others. Then they saw Dingpot! He said, "Finally, Gruntilda is good for something. She allowed me to work here. I will exchange Gold Coins for tickets. 1 ticket is 10 Gold Coins. You can only carry 50 tickets at once." So they deposited 500 Gold Coins to get 50 tickets. Before going on anything, they went to the Train Station. Chuffy the Train was there. They went inside. Old King Coal said, "Heyyyy, Banjo!" Banjo said, "Old King Coal! How are you feeling?" Old King Coal said, "Pretty good. Someone else used my train and opened a ton of Train Stations. Would you like to travel? I now have access to Jungle Japes, Angry Aztec, Frantic Factory, and Gloomy Galleon. Have you heard of any of those places?" "No, not really," Banjo said. "I've been told they are levels in 'Donkey Kong 64'." "We could start by going to Jungle Japes." So then the train left for Jungle Japes.
After exploring a little, they got to "Funky's Armory". Inside, they met Funky the Monkey, "Hey, Banjo-Dude! How are you doing?" "Pretty good, Funky. And yourself?" "Oh, I'm all right. Today I got a huge upgrade. But it'll cost you 2 tickets!" They paid the tickets. Then they were able to carry 400 Normal Eggs, 200 Fire Eggs, 100 Grenade Eggs, 200 Ice Eggs, and 40 Clockwork Kazooie Eggs. Also 400 Red Feathers, and 40 Gold Feathers. Their energy was increased to 20 Honeycombs. Banjo said, "We're probably ready for anything!"
So they went through a quest like this (it's too much like Zelda to list here), and were finally ready for a showdown with King Mingaling! (But I'll just say that they could carry 1,600 Normal Eggs, 800 Fire Eggs, 400 Grenade Eggs, 800 Ice Eggs, 160 Clockwork Kazooie Eggs, and 40 Bullets (they're so powerful they could originally only carry 10) and 80 Honeycombs (Red ones, so actually 160). They also had Magic to cast spells (courtesy of Grunty). Now they were totally ready. So Banjo and Kazooie went to Minjo Village, and easily fought through all the Minjos until they reached King Mingaling, Devious Spell-Casting Jinjo... Guy. He said, "So, you think you can defeat me, eh?" "Of course? Why else would we be here?" Kazooie says (because a nearby Grunty Pad said, "King Mingaling's greatest weakness is his own stupidity.") Grunty called in and said, "Use this Flight Pad and get him to swallow a powerful shot!" "Hey that's my job!" Bottles said. However it was, they got him to swallow a Grenade Egg. "What is that, a Grenade Egg?" "Of course it is!" Banjo said. "D'oh!" Mingaling said. So then they got him to swallow a Bullet, and he exploded.
Now, they had returned to Femjo Village, and told all the Femjos that Mingaling had been defeated. So now Banjo and Kazooie had access to Ridiculously Secret Area, but first they stayed for a celebration, and Jingaling and Femaling could finally get together! They had also composed this song. You may sing along if you want. Sing to the tune of Jinjo Village. Well, here we go!
(Jinjos and Femjos)
Love in any la-anguage, stra-aight from the heart,
Pulls us all toge-ether, ne-e-e-ve-er apat
Once we learn to spe-eak it, all the world will hear,
Love in any la-anguage, fluently spo-oken here!
(King Jingaling and Queen Femaling)
We all will te-each the yo-oung our differences,
Ye-et look how we are the same,
Love to laugh, we dream our dreams,
We also know the sting of pain
From Mumbo's pla-ace to Cauldron Keep,
The farmer really loves-his-land,
And fathers gets misty-eyed to give their daughter's ha-a-a-and
(bridge)
(King Jingaling and Queen Femaling)
Love in any la-anguage, all the world will hear,
Love in any la-anguage, fluenty spo-oken here.
Though the rhetoric of go-overnemnt, may keep us villages apart,
But there is no misinterpreting the language of the hea-a-art
(bridge)
Love in any la-anguage, all the world will hear,
Love in any la-anguage, fluently spo-oken here.
Fluently spo-oken here!
(A closing black circle engulfs Jingy and Femmy, but then Mumbo runs in front)
Mumbo: Wait! Mumbo not tell what doing at beginning! We were having...
THE END