A Mock Parody of Almost Every Seddie Story
Freddie woke up to his mother banging down his door.
"FREDDIE, YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR TICK BATH!" Marissa Crazy Benson shouted, standing in a pile of sawdust that was once a door.
"But Mom, I'm too old for tick baths! I need my own space, I'm moving out!" Freddie yelled as he stormed out of his apartment.
Freddie went down to Lewbert's office, and got his own apartment in the building, because teenagers can just do that nowadays.
"This is great! I wonder if Carly, the girl of my dreams, would like to help me move?" Freddie thought as he entered the Shays apartment. "Sup party people?" He said as he casually strolled in. Sam and Carly were watching Girly Cow/Celebrities Under Water/ something like that. Sam was laying upside down on the couch, her feet dangling over the back.
"Shut up Fredwad, nobody cares!" Sam barked at him. "Gosh, he's such a nub, why won't he ever love me like I love him?" Sam thought to herself. "He only has eyes for Carly."
"Sam, be nice!" Carly scolded her best friend. "Hi Freddie, how's it going?"
"I got my own place, want to help me move in?" Freddie asked.
"Sure, as long as it's not a ploy to get me to be your girlfriend, because there is no way that I'll ever see you as more than a friend, and also I'm dating Shane now, so I'm going to go see him instead. Bye!" Carly told him, in one breath, as she dashed out the door.
"Ugh." Freddie plopped down on the couch. "Oh, Is itty bitty Mommas boy going to cry because she's dating another boy?" Sam taunted him from her position on the couch, shifting herself right side up.
"Well now I have nobody to help me move." Freddie groaned. "Unless you'll help."
"Not for all the Fatcakes in the world." Sam announced, which was true because she had been starving herself and throwing up her food in order to make Freddie like her, because he's into that sort of thing apparently.
"How about three hams?" Freddie bribed. "Deal" Sam said hastily as they ran to get Freddie's stuff. After a heavy disinfectant shower from Crazy, they had all of Freddie's Earthly belongings in one trip. But as they entered Freddie's new home, they were treated to the sight of Carly, making out with Jonah, Sam's boyfriend, who verbally and physically abused her when nobody was looking.
"Carly, what the hell?" Sam yelled, quickly cutting herself while nobody was looking. Jonah looked at Sam. "It's not what you think!"
Freddie noticed Jonah looking at Sam. "Holy crap, he's abusing her! I can tell from the look in her eyes!" Freddie walked over to Jonah and punched him in the jaw, breaking every bone in his face. "Don't you ever touch her again!" He yelled, as Jonah scurried out of the room. "I need to go, I'm late for my date with Cort!" Carly announced as she also left. As soon as they left, Sam threw herself on the ground and started bawling.
"Sam, is something wrong, are you crying?" Freddie asked. Sam suddenly shot up and slapped Freddie. "I'm not crying, I'm just upset that a nub like you will never like me!" She screamed as she stormed out of the apartment.
"Wait, Sam slapped me, does that mean she likes me? I have never realized how amazingly good looking and funny and beautiful she is. Oh my God, I'm in love with Sam!" Freddie thought rationally. He went to the one place he knew she would be.
Freddie climbed out onto the fire escape to find a completely drunk Sam snorting up some lines of Marijuana. "Sam, how did you get so drunk this fast, I just saw you 2 minutes ago?" Freddie demanded, suddenly angry. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Because you'll never like me, you only like Carly!" Sam yelled as she threw up the alcohol she consumed over the balcony.
"But I love you!" Freddie closed the gap between them as he crushed his lips against hers. Despite the fact that she had down a 6 pack of beer in 2 minutes, she tasted just like meatballs. Sam gave into his tongue and sucked on it for eight seconds before she broke away from him and slapped him again.
"Nice try Benson, but I don't fall for your pranks that easily!" Sam announced, running to her home because she couldn't go to Carly's because she's a skanky bitch now. She tried to sneak into her house, but Frothy meowed, waking her mother up. "Why didn't you bring me any money?" Her mom yelled as she kicked Sam in the ribs. Sam ran up to her room, locked the door, and cried herself to sleep.
Freddie went over to the Shays place, hoping to get some advice from Spencer, but he was hospitalized in a tragic bubblegum sculpting accident. He walked in on Carly, crying on the couch. "Carly, what's wrong?"
"Adam, that guy from iStart A Fan War, just dumped me for Wendy!" Carly said between sobs. "Why can't I find a nice guy like you?" She said as she grabbed his hand. Freddie backed away.
"Whoa Carly, I'm over you. I love Sam now!" Freddie announced, remembering back to that magical moment twelve hours ago when he decided that he loved Sam.
"Freddie can't love Sam, he needs to love me!" Carly thought to herself, as she devised a plan. She knew Sam would be over any minute, so she threw herself at Freddie's face, and sure enough, Sam walked in at just that moment. Freddie threw Carly aside. "Sam, it's not what it looks like!"
"That's just what my last boyfriend said while he was kissing this slut!" Sam yelled angrily, as she turned around and left. Freddie tried to chase her, but was accosted in the hall by his mother, forcing him to take a tick bath.
As soon as he got out of the disinfectant anti-bacterial tub, Freddie ran outside to his 1998 Jeep Wrangler that he fixed up himself for his 16th birthday and drove to Sam's house, walking in just in time to catch Sam's mother's new boyfriend trying to rape Sam.
"Freddie, help!" Sam cried as the man ripped off her shirt. Freddie walked over to the man, dropping him in one punch, making Freddie seriously consider boxing. The police showed up instantly and took the man and Sam's mother away, leaving the two teens, one who had almost been raped, alone at the house.
"Freddie, I'm so sorry!" Sam cried into his chest. Freddie wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry too" He said, as they crushed their lips together for the second time this story, third over all. Freddie's explored Sam's body, as she moaned in pleasure. He moved his hands to her boobs, she moved her hands to the growing bulge in his jeans, and they made their way up to Sam's bedroom, whipping off their clothes. "Do you have a condom?" Sam asked with lust, because rape turns her on. "My mom makes me wear one all the time, except to pee." Freddie answered. And they sexed for the rest of the night. (AN- I need to keep this rated teen ya know...)
Sam woke up the next morning naked in Freddie's arms. They cuddled until they had to leave for school. Sam actually wanted to go now because she wanted to go to college, so she decided to apply herself and found out that she's actually the smartest kid in her class. As they entered the school, Carly started her plan to win Freddie over, which was actually just to make out with Griffin. Sam and Freddie had decided that they weren't going to tell anybody yet, so they acted normal as they gathered their things and went to class. Sam had class with Briggs, so she got detention because she walked into the class wrong.
Freddie was waiting for Sam after school as Gibby walked up. "Hey man, how's it going?" Gibby asked, taking off his shirt.
"Oh, it's going good. How about you?" Freddie replied.
"Whoa, you and Sam are dating?" Gibby asked in shock. Freddie was appalled. "How did you know that?"
"I'm a Gibby, we know these things." Gibby said, taking off his shirt again. "So does that mean you're over Carly, because I wanted to ask her out!"
"Gibby, aren't you dating Tasha?" Freddie asked. "Oh yeah." Gibby remembered. "Oh well, she'll get over it." At that moment, Sam got out of detention and immediately gave Gibby a super wedgie. "Ready to go Fredbag?" She gave him a kiss. Suddenly she started to not feel so good.
"I don't feel so good" Sam thought, as she went to go throw up. "That's odd, I hope she isn't pregnant." Freddie thought, as they walked to Bushwell plaza, after stopping to buy Sam smoothies and Groovy Smoothies. As they walked down the hall, Freddie's mom ran up and started vacuuming her sons ears.
"I don't want you ever seeing this girl, do you hear me?" She shouted. "Mom, I can date whoever I want to date! I'm moving out!" Freddie yelled, not remembering that he already had moved out. As the two stormed away, Sam awkwardly entered the Shays apartment.
"Hey Sam, what's up?" Carly asked as she kissed a picture of Gibby.
"I'm dating Freddie, and" Sam tried to say as she was interrupted by Carly and also Spencer screaming. "I knew you two would be together you are such a cute couple!" Carly exclaimed, as everybody forgot about how bitchy she was before. Sam slapped her hand to Carly's mouth. "I think I'm pregnant!" She yelled. Carly was shocked.
"What! How? Did you guys have sex?" She asked nervously. "Uhmm, yeah." Sam told her. They went to go get some pregnancy tests. All three came up positive. "Carly, what am I going to do? Freddie is moving away to a different college, how can we raise a baby?" Meanwhile, Freddie was listening in outside the bathroom, and he ran to his computer and immediately transferred to Sam's college. He heard the door open, and looked up as Sam walked in. "Freddie, I have something to tell you. I'm"
Just at that moment, Melanie walked in. "Hi Sam, Hi Freddie, I haven't seen you guys in forever!" She said. Sam started to cry as she ran out of the room. "Freddie doesn't love me he loves Melanie!"
Freddie headed to the fire escape just in time to slap a beer away from Sam's hands. "Sam, you can't drink if you're pregnant!" He yelled. Just then, Sam gave birth to twins. They named the boy Nathan Kress Benson, and the girl Jeanette McCurdy Benson. They took the babies over to Carly, as Spencer married them because he's a priest now.
Just then, both Freddie's and Sam's fathers came in the door. "You kids can't be married!" Freddie's dad, Nathan Kress, shouted. "Yer brother and sister!" Sam's dad, Jerry Trainor, added. Both men were immediately hit by a bus. The sex between the two was awkward for a while, what with being brother and sister and all, not to mention having two kids in the same room, but eventually Freddie's mom told him that he was adopted, and so was Sam, so everything was better again! Meanwhile, Carly kissed Gibby and turned into a mermaid, and they lived happily ever after in the ocean! The end!