I feel so tired.
I'm so tired of the fight to stop the constant stream of criminals. I'm tired of the unimaginable ways they find to hurt each other. I'm tired of the cruelty and loss they inflict on people they have never even met or worse, someone they love. Sometimes they win; sometimes we can't stop them or at least not in time to prevent more pain. It's a never ending battle that wears me down. Capture one and two more emerge.
I know there will always be killers, rapists, arsonists and in a sick way I could look at this as job security. It's just sometimes I just really want no need to see and feel that
there is at least some measure of good still in the world.
Emily is dead. Doyle is free.
How is this fair?
I'm an intelligent person surrounded by intelligent people and I know that is a childish statement. After all life is not fair; but it still hurts. Emily always teased me just the same as Morgan and Garcia but she, like JJ, had always made the teasing feel a little less….well just not as hard to take. Morgan and Garcia have this bulldog mentality that makes me want to run when the teasing starts. I know it's just playing but they can wear me down. With JJ and Emily, I know they will tease but they don't push as hard. It's hard to be the youngest sometimes.
I miss her.
I'm not arrogant enough to say I miss her any more than anyone else on the team. I know that's not true, even if it feels like it to me. I miss seeing her face across the desk from me. Morgan, Hotch, Rossi and Garcia have their own spaces but Emily was the last one in the bullpen with me. Technically I'm surrounded by other co-workers but she was the last of my family that was with me in the open room. When everyone else goes back to their offices to work, we were together. All I had to do was look up and there she would be. If I got too caught up in a case file I might suddenly find myself barraged with paper clips or crumpled notes of paper. I never felt alone, until now.
Part of me feels like she was the most like me, grew up more like me than the other team members. Morgan, JJ and Garcia had all lost family while still young but they had still been surrounded by family that loved them. Hotch and Rossi never talked about their childhoods. But Emily, she had a mother that loved her like mine, but while my mom was sick, her mom was a stranger. So we both grew up alone.
I miss her laugh. That big, boisterous laugh that made us all smile. Nothing shy about that laugh. I miss talking to her about some new foreign film we could watch, understand and enjoy. No one else on the team would watch those with me. I guess I would have to watch alone now.
She was the one I talked to about the headaches. I knew she wouldn't push for me to talk to someone, she would suggest it, but she wouldn't push. Morgan, Hotch and Rossi would all push for me to see a psychiatrist, Garcia and JJ would worry and fret over me. But Emily….Emily would listen. She would offer a shoulder, an ear, a suggestion but she would never push. She had been pushed enough in her childhood that she could relate to my reluctance. Her mom pushed and my classmates pushed so we both fought against it. We dug in our heels so to speak.
It seems odd to me that the world wouldn't stop and grieve now that she wasn't in it. It seems odd for the sun to rise or set when she isn't here. In my head I know life goes on but in my heart….
In my heart….
It's easier now to forgive Gideon, easier to understand what he meant in his letter. I miss happy endings too. I want to wake up tomorrow and know that people like Doyle will go to jail and people like Emily will live and be here the day after and the day after.
Love hurts so much.
Tomorrow I will get up and face the battle again. I have to. Emily is gone and love hurts and my heart is broken. But I can not imagine giving up. If I give up then someone else will lose their "Emily", their "Morgan", their "JJ, Garcia, Hotch, and Rossi". Someone else will lose their family and I can't give up without fighting the battle.
I miss Emily.
I will fight for her.