I don't know what to do anymore. I've lost it. I've lost my way.
I've lost everything.
You think I'd be used to this feeling by now, the feeling of loss. But it never gets any easier. It never gets any more bearable.
It simply continues to eat into my skin to my bones, to my heart.
That's what it feels like.
The feeling is gnawing at my heart. How much do I have left now? Did I ever have a heart to begin with? I can't feel it beating, so I may as well be dead.
Yeah… without him, I don't feel alive.
Is he feeling the same way as me, too? Does he even feel alive anymore? Because I see no life in those eyes of his.
I miss those eyes. I miss how full of life and passion he could be. I miss him.
Because without Eren, I'm not alive. I'm not me, I'm simply a soldier wishing for the end.
With him, I feel human.
Come back to me, Eren.
It's the middle of the night when he hears it.
The sound of someone sniffling, choking back sobs.
He recognized it. He knew it all too well.
Immediately Levi is on his feet, rushing out of his quarters to follow the echoing sounds of sorrow, and he sees it.
He sees him.
"Eren?" He speaks, barely above a whisper, but the man hears. Eren spins around in shock, his eyes widen at the sight of his superior.
"Captain?" Eren quickly wipes his eyes on his sleeve, knowing Levi had seen anyway.
Levi rushes over and hands him a tissue, Eren mutters a 'thanks'.
"What's wrong?" Always to the point, Eren inwardly smiles. Although his lips refuse to move.
"Eren?" Levi repeats, growing impatient. Eren thinks back to the moment on the ship where he got a swift boot to the face, and flinches slightly. Levi notices.
"Is this about then?" He asks. He already knew. Eren nods reluctantly after a moment, not daring to look his superior in the eye.
Levi visibly deflates at this, his shoulders sag and a heavy sigh escapes his lips. "Eren…"
"No, It's… alright. I'm used to it after all," he laughs, hollow and lifeless. Levis chest aches.
"Eren-"
"No, it's fine. It's fine, I… I deserved it. I deserved it and more, because… because I…" Erens voice trails off into a broken whisper, but Levi waits, ignoring the urge to grabs his shoulders and scream 'no, you didn't deserve it!' the pitiful 'I'm sorry' stuck in the back of his throat, as it always seemed to be.
Eren slowly raises his head, looking Levi in the eye.
"Captain… no, Levi… I… I killed so many people, Levi… I… I am a monster… I have and always will be… a monster." Erens voice breaks at the word, those ugly sobs coming back again, but Eren is unable to hold them back.
Levi flinches, because the light he had so missed… it was back in his eyes, if only for a moment.
Right now, this wasn't anyone else influencing Eren. This was Eren, how he always was.
Just Eren.
Eren had never had a chance to grow up. He was thrown into a world of bloodshed and chaos, his pure and innocent soul had been tarnished. How Levi wished he could wind back time and change things, but he knew that Eren was needed.
Needed as a tool. And that hurt him more than anything else. He couldn't save Eren, not until this war was over.
Levi wraps his arms around the shaking man, Eren freezes in shock.
"Be quiet. Don't say a thing."
"You are a not a monster, Eren. Not to me. Never to me." And it was true. No matter what, Eren would never change in Levis eyes.
He was still the Eren he loved.
Slowly, Eren embraces him back, burying his face in Levis shoulder.
"Levi… Levi…" He chokes out, trying to hold back sobs. Levi holds him tighter and runs his fingers through Erens long hair, thinking to himself just how soft it felt.
Eren can take it no more, and he sobs his heart out, clutching at Levis nightshirt. He mourns for what he has lost, for what he will lose, and the people he killed.
Maybe Eren was a monster, but isn't Levi one too? Inside everyone, isn't there a monster just sleeping, hiding away?
Levi believed so.
No matter how many times he had to say it, he would remind Eren over and over again- "You are not a monster."
'Not to me, never to me.'
That wasn't going to change.
Minutes pass by, and Eren slowly calms down, eventually, reluctantly, pulling away from Levis warmth.
He turns his head, unthinkingly exposing the cheek that Levi had kicked. Levi hangs his head in shame
"Eren…" Levi gently caresses Erens cheek, and he freezes again, his eyes wandering to Levis own in curiosity.
"You're beautiful," Levi whispers and leans forward, softly pressing his chapped lips against Erens cheek. Then again. And again. Softly peppering kisses all over Erens unscarred face.
He arrives at his lips, but this time Eren is the one to break the distance. It was a simple peck, but it made their hearts flutter nonetheless.
"Levi," Eren starts, but stops himself. "Thank you."
"There's nothing to thank me for. Come on," Levi stands and holds his hand out for Eren, Eren takes it after a moment of hesitance.
"Follow me."
Levi leads Eren to his own room, Eren steps in reluctantly.
"You'll be sleeping with me tonight." Eren stops in his tracks.
"Wha- What? Captain?!"
"It's Levi," he goes over to his bed and sets out a second pillow, Erens face fills with heat.
"That's… that's not needed, I'll… sleep on the floor, or something," he says, and is met with a pillow to the face.
"No, now hurry and shower, I'll take one after you."
He thinks, he hadn't had a shower for a little while. He cringes realizing, and swiftly sets off to Levis own bathroom.
Levi can't help but grin slightly. Eren was fun to mess with, when he wasn't being influenced by the… other people in his head.
Levi pushes the thought away, deciding some tea would be nice.
A while later, they're both ready for bed.
Eren can't sleep. Being so close to someone you've liked, even loved, for years is… a little difficult.
He had been able to control his feeling for his superior over the last few years.
He thought it would be as Mikasa said- It was just a crush, so in time, it would fade.
But it never did. If anything, it bloomed into something even more powerful.
So that kiss earlier… it took Eren off-guard, to say the least.
He can still remember the feel of Levis lips on his, they were chapped but so soft… he wanted to taste them over and over again.
Did it mean Levi had the same feelings? Was it mutual? He wanted to think it was, but there was still doubt lingering in his mind. After all, he didn't want to be too hasty.
"Eren." He feels the body behind him move, he reluctantly rolls over to face Levi.
"What's wrong?" The same thing he had asked earlier. Thinking of it, Eren never gave an answer. He didn't even have one.
"About… earlier," Eren imagines if this had happened years before, he would be a stammering idiot right now. But with the years, Erens confidence grew, and he was honestly glad about it. Stammering and blushing right now would be completely embarrassing.
"The kiss?"
"…yeah. Why did you do that?" He can't think of any other way to put it, so he just goes ahead and asks what's been boggling his mind since. Levi sighs,
"Why do you think I did?" Eren is silent for a moment, but can't come up with an answer.
"Look, I want to apologise for what I did on the ship, I don't know what overcame me. I'm sorry." Levi looks away, Erens mouth open in surprise, then closes again.
"…Levi…"
"You don't have to forgive me. Just know that I'm sorry. I care about you Eren, I truly do. Just… believe that at least." Levi begins to roll over, Eren stops him.
And presses their lips together once more.
"I love you, Levi. I believe you, I believe you so just… please just stay with me," tears sting at Erens eyes once again, he grits his teeth to hold them back. Levi doesn't hesitate in holding him close, closer, closer-
So close they can feel eachothers heart beat.
"I love you too… I love you so much it hurts. I'm not going to leave you, Eren. Never."
"Please don't," exhaling shakily, he holds Levi back-
He can't be forgiven for the sins he has committed. But at the very least, he can have a partner to carry the burden along with him.
Maybe in another universe, they can finally find peace.