I don't own 'em, I just bring them out to play...
"I have to work with him," Olivia said in frustration. "I can't do that if we don't figure out how to get past this."
"He almost cost you your command," Ed answered. His voice was rough, and he was refusing to make eye contact.
"He didn't have a choice," she said. "It was his job."
The look he gave her said that he didn't believe that even she bought that argument. Maybe Barba had a duty to report, but not the way he did it.
"He could have warned you, given you a heads up, something." Ed said through clenched teeth.
Olivia knew he was right about that. She also knew that her split second hesitation to tell Barba about her relationship with Tucker had hurt their friendship. Had hurt Barba.
It had been over a week since she'd been transferred back. Ed had been reinstated three days ago. In her short time back, it hadn't gone unnoticed that Barba was still deferring to Dodds if he needed something from the squad.
She needed to talk to him and try to get back some semblance of trust. She couldn't do that in front of her squad, so she'd asked Tucker if he'd stay and get Noah breakfast while she met Barba for Sunday brunch. He'd bristled at the request last night, but he agreed. She was a little surprised that he didn't bring it up when they went to bed.
"Holding a grudge against Barba doesn't solve anything." Olivia said. Her anger was building, too. This was going to be difficult enough without having to fight Ed on the merits of it.
Tucker was pissed. Sunday brunch was theirs, dammit. She was ditching him for Barba, of all people.
During their forced time off, they'd gotten into a routine of him coming over for dinner on Saturday and spending the night. They'd enjoy a lazy Sunday morning before taking Noah to brunch. He'd hoped that as long as their work schedules permitted, it would be a tradition they kept. He couldn't bring himself to explain his disappointment, so he went with anger instead.
He was even more annoyed that she was right. He was having a hard time not holding a grudge. His relationship with Olivia was still new, and something as dramatic as both of them almost losing their jobs could have derailed them before they even got going. Ed knew they weren't kids anymore and wouldn't likely throw in the towel so easily, but he'd felt so guilty when Olivia was transferred because of their relationship. A part of him had feared she wouldn't stick it out with him after that.
Now that things were back to normal, It was difficult not to channel those feelings into anger toward Barba. He understood her need to have a professional rapport with the ADA, but this had a personal element to it and that irked him.
"If this upsets you so much, why did you agree to stay with Noah?" She said interrupting his thoughts. "I could have just called Lucy and let you go home."
He looked up at her then, and she was a little shocked to see that it wasn't anger in his eyes anymore. He looked like she'd literally injured him.
"I don't want to go home, Liv." His voice was controlled and quiet. He just wanted her to stay.
She couldn't help but soften a bit. He seemed almost vulnerable, and she didn't understand what caused the shift in him. She was supposed to meet Barba in 20 minutes, so she really didn't have time to delve into this any more. Still, she hated to leave without something resembling a resolution.
"I know you understand why I have to fix this with him," she said. "What I don't understand is why this bothers you so much."
"Just go," Ed said flatly before looking down. "It's okay."
She started to protest, but another look at her watch told her that she needed to leave now to avoid being more than a few minutes late. She was torn.
"I don't like leaving with things so… unresolved," she said and ducked her head trying to regain eye contact.
"It's okay," he said. Then he gave her what she needed and slowly looked up at her. "Really."
Olivia could tell by his still clenched jaw that he wasn't happy, but he'd put the pained expression away. She put her hand on his cheek and placed a quick kiss on the other.
"We'll talk later," she said. She grabbed her raincoat, and checked to make sure she had her keys and phone. Satisfied she had everything she needed, she scanned the room for Noah. She spotted him behind the sofa playing with some blocks. She rushed over and kissed the top of his head.
"Bye bye, Noah," she said. He looked up from his toys. "Be a good boy, I'll be back in a little while."
"Cakes?" Noah asked.
Olivia looked surprised by the question. Noah always ordered pancakes when they went out on Sundays. Neither adult realized that Noah had gotten used to their routine, too. Ed just gave them both a sad smile.
"How about I make you some pancakes, buddy?" Ed said, hopeful that Noah wouldn't be upset that Liv was leaving.
"Cakes!" Noah shouted. Apparently the guest list and location weren't as important as the menu.
Olivia ruffled his hair, then headed for the door. "I'll be back in a couple hours."
Ed nodded and turned his attention to Noah.
SVUSVUSVU
Olivia made it to the restaurant just as the rain began to fall. She cursed herself for forgetting to bring an umbrella. The forecast was all rain. Cold, unforgiving rain.
It fit her mood. She'd hurt Barba by not telling him about Tucker. She'd apparently hurt Tucker by wanting to fix things with Barba. And she was missing Ed cooking pancakes for Noah. She didn't even know that was something he knew how to do.
Bring on the rain, Olivia thought as she looked around the bar area. She didn't see Barba anywhere. She was a bit relieved. Her morning argument with Ed had set her on edge. She'd used the ten block walk to the restaurant to try to clear her head, but she was still thankful for a couple extra minutes.
"Can I help you?"
Olivia turned to find a young blond hostess had appeared. "Oh, I'm meeting someone, but I don't think he's here yet."
"Name?" The girl said.
Olivia just looked at her. She didn't understand why that mattered.
"Do you have a reservation?" the hostess explained.
"I don't think so," Olivia answered. Barba just gave her the location and time.
"Then you'll have to sit at the bar," the girl said dismissively.
Olivia looked at the bar. It was packed. She didn't see two seats next to each other anywhere, and all the high tops in the area were occupied. She just shrugged at the hostess, and decided to wait for Barba to arrive. It was already 10:40, so he should be there any minute.
Her phone suddenly buzzed in her pocket. She saw that it was a text from Barba and hoped he wasn't bailing on her.
I've got a table upstairs. Near the windows on the left.
Olivia turned back to the hostess station and saw a set of stairs near the door. She hadn't realized there was a second floor. When she reached the top of the narrow stairway, she spotted him right away.
Barba was dressed casually, in khakis and a blue polo. She could tell by the way his jaw was set that he was just as uncertain and uncomfortable as she was. But he'd agreed to talk, and he'd shown up. That had to be a good sign.
"Olivia," he said as he stood to greet her. He took her coat and hung it on a hook on the side of the tall wooden booth.
"Sorry, I'm late," she gushed as she dropped into the seat opposite him. "I didn't know you had a table."
"No problem," he said. "This place fills up pretty quickly, so I made a reservation when we decided to… talk."
"So you've been here before?" She asked trying to make normal small talk.
"Yeah, it's Mamí's favorite brunch spot." He answered.
She asked about his mom. He asked about Noah. They kept up the light small talk until the waitress came to take their order. It was awkward. They both felt it, but they both wanted to delay the inevitable.
The waitress left them in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before returning with their drinks, a Bloody Mary for Barba and a mimosa for Olivia. He tilted his glass toward her. She gave him a look before clinking hers to his. A truce of sorts. A few more seconds of silence passed before neither could take it any longer.
"Liv, I…" Barba started.
"Look, I'm sorry." Olivia said at the same time.
They both stopped and looked each other in the eye. Neither knew how to continue.
Barba hadn't expected an apology from her. He assumed that she was expecting an apology from him which made him angry. He'd only being doing his job. He had no choice. Still, he felt guilty, which just made him more upset.
Olivia saw the surprise on his face. He thought she was still angry. Part of her still was. Ed was right, Barba could have given her a heads up. At the end of the day, she knew that he did what he had to do. Maybe he thought she knew that's what he'd do. She finally sucked it up and decided to break the silence.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she said. She looked at him. There was something else he was trying to mask, but she couldn't figure out what it was.
"Everything with Ed was so new, and we hadn't told anyone other than Lucy at that point." Her voice was higher than normal and she was speaking so quickly her words were running together. She felt she had to get out as much of her explanation as she could.
He didn't stop her. Aside from the cloud of emotion he was trying to conceal by averting his gaze, he didn't react at all. She continued.
"The accusations against him. I had no idea that was coming when Dodds and I walked in your office." She was still rushing her speech, so she took a deep breath and tried to pace herself. There was no reason to be nervous. The damage was done. The things that mattered, hers and Ed's jobs, were safe.
That was it. There was one more thing that mattered. Rafael Barba. Over the past four years, he'd grown to become one of her closest allies and friends. The past year had been rough on their relationship, and she was scared as hell that this would be the final nail in that coffin.
"I wasn't ready for you to know…" She began.
He winced. It was just barely noticeable, but she saw it.
"It's not even that," she backtracked. "I wasn't prepared for you to ask about it. I didn't even know how to process the case I thought we had against his cousin, so learning that they were trying to pin in on Ed." Her voice broke, and she paused for a minute to take a sip of her mimosa.
Barba still hadn't said a word. Other than an occasional flit of his eyes to hers, he barely acknowledged her. He just pushed his food around on his plate. At some point the waitress must have sat the plates in front them, but neither remembered when.
She took a breath and tried to think of what else she could say. She wasn't sure that anything she'd said so far made sense or if it had even gotten through to him.
"I get that you're mad at me for not telling you," she reluctantly began again. Her speech had finally slowed as she tried to wade through this awkward conversation.
"I'm not mad, Olivia." He said it so quietly, she almost missed it. Her eyes told him that she didn't believe him.
"I'm not mad," he repeated. He put his fork down and pushed his plate of uneaten eggs benedict to the side. Olivia hadn't touched her french toast either.
He closed his eyes and debated his next words. Should he just tell her the truth? Could he explain it in a way that preserved his ego and allowed her to understand?
"I'm not mad, I'm hurt," he finally continued. "There's a difference."
Now she was the one rendered speechless. What did that even mean?
"I'm hurt because I thought we were friends," he said. His voice was tight, like when he was trying to hold back his emotions during a closing argument for a lose-lose case. It betrayed a hell of a lot more than his words were, but Olivia still couldn't figure out what he wasn't telling her.
"It was a bad situation," she offered. That was a stupid thing to say. "I mean, there were no easy choices for anyone. It was like a perfect storm."
"Yeah," he mused. "A perfect shit storm."
She laughed a little. So did he. They looked at each other. Each held a bit of sadness because they were talking, almost laughing, but things still weren't right. They could both feel it.
"How do we fix this?" He asked and took a drink of his bloody mary.
"I don't know," she answered. She thought for a minute. If they were going to get past this, they had to talk about whatever it was that he wasn't telling her. She felt like she'd laid all her cards on the table. He was still holding back. "Can I ask you something?"
He just raised his eyebrows and cocked his head. That was the whole point of this awkwardness.
"I get that I hurt you by not coming right out and telling you, and I am truly sorry," she said. "But I also think that you understand why I didn't and how I was caught off guard."
"I do," he said without hesitation.
"Then why can't you forgive me?"
He sighed and looked down shaking his head. He didn't know how to explain this to her without giving her the wrong impression.
"Try," she prompted, sensing his uncertainty.
He looked at her again. She almost thought he looked embarrassed. What the hell was his problem?
"Barba." She said impatiently. "Is it because it's Tucker?"
She knew that various members of her squad would likely be surprised and possibly even upset at her new relationship, but Barba didn't have a history with Ed. She hadn't anticipated that being an issue.
He was back to not talking at all. She was getting annoyed. They didn't have time for this. She still had to get home and smooth things over with Ed. That thought made her laugh a slightly bitter laugh.
"This is funny?" He said.
"It's just that Ed is pissed that I'm here talking to you but can't seem to tell me why. That probably pisses you off for some reason that you won't tell me. The longer you won't talk to me, the longer this is going to take, and then Ed will be even more pissed."
She knew she was rambling, but this was just stupid. She and Barba were friends. There was no reason not to just hash this out. Unless?
Olivia looked at him. The guilt was back. For what? There was something else. Something she couldn't reconcile with the man before her.
Barba's eyes didn't lie. He suddenly wasn't holding back anything. He couldn't tell her with words, but somehow she saw it. It made no sense.
"You're not jealous of Tucker?" She asked quickly.
"Not for why you think," he answered and looked down at his drink.
"I don't think anything," she said. "I… I mean, you and I, that isn't… wasn't…" She looked to him for an explanation. That was never in the cards for either of them. She was quite certain.
"I'm not jealous because I want…" Barba started this but didn't know how to explain without saying he didn't want her like that. He knew she didn't have those feelings for him either, but it still seemed unkind to say out loud.
"I know," Olivia said.
"Do you?" he asked. "I'm not jealous because I want a romantic relationship with you." He blurted out. He steeled himself for his next admission.
"Then what?" She asked. "I don't understand what you're trying to say here, but I want to." She reached across the table with her palm up. When he didn't reciprocate, she moved back to fiddling with the straw in her drink.
"It just feels like you don't need me anymore," he said keeping his eyes focused on the table, his hands, his drink, anything but her.
That threw her. She knew he wasn't interested in her as a partner or girlfriend. But what did he mean she didn't need him anymore?
"When we first met, you didn't trust me." He said matter-of-factly.
She felt like she had whiplash from this conversation. He's hurt because he thinks she doesn't need him, and he's explaining that by jumping back to a time that it didn't even matter?
He stifled her protest with a raised hand. "Admit it. We butted heads a few times that first year?"
She still didn't know what he was getting at, but she smiled at the memories. They'd tested each other. Pushed each other. Eventually, they'd found that they worked really well together. They slowly became friends. As if reading her thoughts, he continued.
"Over the last few years, you've become…" his voice cracked. "You're important to me. You're one of my closest friends."
"And you, mine," she said.
"Am I?" He asked, the hurt feelings evident in his clipped tone.
"Of course."
"Things haven't been the same since the 2-7," he said. "I've hated that."
"Me too," she agreed. This year hadn't been easy on their relationship, professionally or personally.
"And now, you have…" He was struggling to get this out.
"Now, I have Ed," she said, finally understanding.
He shrugged and gave a slight nod in agreement. Olivia smiled. This was something she could work to repair.
"You're smiling?" He said. He was teasing her, but there was a bit of truth in his question. She'd clearly reached an understanding that he wasn't privy to just yet.
"Rafael Barba," she said. "You're one of my closest confidants. You're like blood. We fight. We disagree. We somehow manage to stick it out."
He eyed her skeptically. Neither had confided in the other in quite some time. Ed Tucker was case in point. She could almost see the thought bubbles forming above his head.
"I hadn't told anyone about Tucker," she defended. "It's so complicated because of our history. I needed to make sure he and I are on the same page about our past before I deal with all the questions."
He did understand. She was a private person under the best of circumstances, but here she was dating a guy who'd been her squad's nemesis for over a decade. Hers, too, if the stories he'd heard were accurate.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. She sensed that he still wasn't sure they could mend.
"We're here, aren't we?" She asked.
He gave her a slight tilt of the head. Not even a full nod.
"Barba," she said with a tone of exasperation and once again reached across the table. This time he didn't rebuff her. He took her hand and gave it a small squeeze before setting it back on the table. She immediately reached for his arm and held it tight, not letting him retreat again.
"I've missed you," he said before she could continue. He looked her in the eye, and she saw that he understood. She'd made her point.
"I've missed you, too."
They wrapped up their brunch with him asking a few awkward questions about Tucker. Then they ended up laughing their way through a fight to pick up the tab and who got the first taxi.
Barba gave her a quick nod when they saw a taxi approaching. "I'm happy for you, Liv. It seems that you have a good thing going with Tucker."
"Thank you for that," she said and squeezed his arm. "And thank you for showing up and not giving up on us."
"Like I once said," he began with a smile. "I imagine we'll still be squabbling at 85."
She smiled at the memory as she dropped into the cab. Just before shutting the door he added, "Of course when you're 85, I'll just be…"
Olivia laughed fully then and pulled the taxi door closed before he could finish. She leaned back into the seat, happy that one of her relationships seemed to be heading in the right direction. Now she just had to smooth things over with Ed.
SVUSVUSVU
Olivia got home to a quiet apartment. Normally, she'd take Noah to the park or something to get them all outside. It was still drizzling, so she knew Ed wouldn't have taken him there. She checked her phone and found no missed messages or texts.
She dropped her purse on the table just inside the door and pulled off her raincoat. She poked her head in the kitchen. It was spotless except for a mixing bowl soaking in the sink and Noah's highchair which looked like a bottle of maple syrup had exploded all over it. The only evidence of the pancake breakfast she missed.
Olivia glanced around the living room and saw that Noah's toys were carefully put away. She tapped Ed's name on her phone to send him a text. Just then she heard Noah's laughter coming from down the hall.
She stepped quietly, curious to hear what had her son so wound up. His room was dark, so headed to her bedroom. It was then she heard the splashing sounds of bath time. She smiled when she saw the syrup stained clothes on the floor as she entered the bathroom.
She laughed out loud when she saw the situation before her. Noah still had syrup in his hair and was splashing his arms, getting water everywhere. Ed's t-shirt was soaked.
Hearing her laughter, Ed and Noah both looked up.
"Hi, mommy!" Noah shouted brightly.
"Hi, sweet boy," she cooed back at him. "Did you actually eat pancakes or just have a syrup battle?"
"Tuck make me cakes!" Noah said. "With sur-up." She could tell by his careful pronunciation that Ed had drilled the point home. She always liked the cute little baby talk Noah came up with, but Ed was always encouraging Noah to expand his vocabulary with 'actual English words' as he put it.
"I see that," she answered.
"I don't know how you get through dinner and bath time every night without needing to change your clothes three times," Ed said with a hint of exasperation, but mostly humor. It was then she noticed that Ed wasn't wearing the shirt he'd been in when she left them.
"I don't always," she said. "But I suspect someone knew they had a rookie on his hands."
He frowned at her teasing before giving her a small smile. "Wanna give me a hand?" He motioned to Noah's hair. He'd successfully gotten the gooeyness off of Noah's hands, arms and neck, but he wasn't sure how to get his hair clean without dunking the kid. That didn't seem plausible.
"Move over, dad," she joked. Then she caught what she'd said, and faltered for a second. She hadn't meant it that way at all. Crap. She decided to ignore it and busied herself with washing Noah's hair.
If he caught it, Ed didn't say anything. He just moved back to kneel at the end of the tub. She gave Noah one of his little boats and told him she was going to wash his hair. To Ed's amazement, Noah quit splashing around and calmly drove the boat around.
He watched her as she used a small cup to wet Noah's hair. It took a couple rounds of scrubbing and rinsing to get all the syrup out of his hair. Noah seemed hardly bothered by her and went about playing with his boat.
"Okay, how'd you get him to sit still like that." Ed asked.
"We have a deal. Don't we Noah?" She said with a smile as she ran her fingers through her sons wet hair causing it to stand straight up.
"I be still. I get extra story." Noah explained very seriously.
"Ah, bribery." Ed said with a laugh. "I tried that. Guess I just didn't suggest the right payment."
Olivia looked at him. They shared a brief moment. She knew they still needed to talk about Barba, but the tension from this morning had dissipated a little.
He gave her a quick nod before standing up. "I'm going to get yet another shirt." He motioned to his soaked shirt. He'd only stayed over a few times recently, but it had been enough that he had some clothes at her place.
"I see how it is. You two make the mess, and I'm left with clean up." She said as she reached into the warm water and pulled the plug.
She heard Ed mumble something but couldn't make out what it was. She grabbed a towel and wrapped Noah up before heading to his room to get a fresh set of clothes.
A few minutes later, Ed was sitting on the couch in his third shirt of the day. He heard the patter of little feet running down the hallway and looked up just in time to see Noah launch himself toward the couch.
Ed threw his arm out and scooped up the boy. He lifted him high above his head, then leaned over to let them crash down on the couch cushion.
"Again," Noah squealed with delight.
"Again?" Ed mocked before tickling Noah's tummy.
"Mommy! Help!"
Olivia laughed. "I think this is payback, little man." She sat on the other end of the couch near Noah's head. He scrambled trying to reach her and get away from the tickle monster.
Ed eased up just enough the toddler could win the battle. Noah crawled onto Olivia's lap and was out of breath from laughter.
"Did Ed get you?" She said with a smile. Ed wiggled his fingers at Noah who tried to wedge himself between his mother and the arm of the couch.
Ed wasn't deterred. He just stretched over the couch letting his arms rest on Olivia's lap as he reached for Noah.
Noah yelped and tried to climb onto the back of the couch. Olivia held onto his thigh so he wouldn't fall. Ed scooted closer, letting the side of his chest rest on her as he propped his arm on the couch.
Olivia's breath caught in her throat. This position put them face to face. For a moment it seemed like their earlier disagreement had never happened. He dropped his head to rest on his arm, caging her in. She was still holding onto a wiggly Noah with one arm.
She tried to reach her other arm around to make sure that Noah wasn't going over the back of the couch, but she couldn't reach. Ed saw her concern and pushed himself up.
"Come on down, Noah." Ed said, reaching for the kid's hand. Realizing the game was over, Noah took Ed's hand and climbed back into the corner of the couch. Now all three of their faces were close. Noah patted each of their cheeks, then he wormed his way out of their reach and went to dig through his toy box.
It was only an hour or so before Noah's afternoon nap time. Olivia desperately wanted to keep things light and distracted until then. She figured Ed would be expecting a report once they were alone.
The trio spent the next hour playing with Noah's blocks. It was mostly Ed and Olivia building towers and Noah ramming his dump truck into them to knock them down, but it passed the afternoon.
It was almost 2pm by the time Olivia got Noah down for his nap. She quietly closed his door and headed back to the living room. She was surprised to find it empty. She craned her neck as she walked toward the kitchen. He was there, finishing clean up from brunch.
"It's okay, I can get it." She called to him as she moved to take the highchair tray from him.
He pulled it back. "I let him make the mess, the least I can do is clean it up."
She held up her hands in surrender and left him to the task. Instead, she went to the sink and began to rinse out the dishes she found there before placing them in the dishwasher.
They completed their tasks in silence. She dried her hands and tossed the towel at him, so he could do the same.
Ed hung the towel on the drawer handle in front of the sink and reached to open the corner cabinet. Olivia just watched him. He didn't seem as agitated as he was when she'd left earlier, but she could tell he was still upset.
He pulled down two rocks glasses and a bottle of his favorite bourbon. She gave him a curious look. It was at his prompting they'd cut back on day drinking.
He shrugged and poured them each a small portion. Then he put the bottle away and handed her one of the glasses.
"Just figured we could use a little fortification," he explained. She took the glass from him and followed as he headed back to the living room.
They settled on opposite ends of the couch. He immediately leaned forward resting his forearms on his knees, holding his drink with both hands. She, on the other hand, turned sideways. Her back rested against the arm of the couch so she could face him.
"How'd it go with Barba?" Ed asked. He just wanted to get this started, so they could get back to normal. He'd been uneasy all night and day.
"I think we worked things out," she answered. "We at least have a start."
"That's good." His voice was tight. She knew he was just being supportive, which she appreciated. She couldn't remember the last time a man put his feelings aside just to support her. But she didn't want him to let this fester. She still thought there was something he wasn't telling her.
"It is," she answered. She moved closer to him. "Ed, can you tell me what that was this morning?"
"I told you," he said. "The guy almost cost you your command."
"Any ADA would have done the same thing," she responded defensively.
"You're defending him."
She didn't have an answer for that. Barba was her friend, and Ed was being unreasonable.
"And ditching me," Ed continued.
"Ditching you?" She said, her irritation evident. "I asked if you would stay with Noah. You agreed!"
"You know what I mean," he said.
"No, Ed," Olivia said. "I don't. I really don't. You refuse to forgive Barba, and it wasn't even you that he hurt."
"If that's what you think. I don't know how to begin to explain this to you." Ed bit off.
She gave him a questioning look.
"You could have lost your command, your job, your pension." Ed explained.
"I didn't," she answered, still not sure.
"You almost did, because of Barba."
"No," she insisted. "You were innocent. And according to Carisi and Dodds, Barba was quick to believe you'd been framed."
"So he didn't hold it against me," Ed said dryly.
"Hold what against you?"
"You."
"Ed, it's not like that," Olivia said somewhat unconvincingly.
He gave her a smirk that said he didn't believe her.
"It's not," she insisted.
"He was jealous," Ed said. He didn't really think that was true, but he said it anyway.
She didn't answer. That was enough for him. Ed popped up from the couch. He knew Barba was upset, but jealous.
"Not because of that," she quickly added. "He's been a good friend to me, and this year hasn't exactly been easy on our friendship. Me withholding the truth our relationship only made things worse."
"Still, he took it out on you."
Olivia sighed and stood. She moved to the opposite side of the room from Ed. "Yeah, he did. I hurt him, and he lashed out."
He turned to look at her. He was shaking his head as if she'd just proven his point.
"I forgave him," she said, the exasperation evident in her voice as she plopped back down on the couch. She felt like they were talking in circles.
"Just like that," he accused.
"Really, Ed? Really?" She said, matching his tone. "You, of all people, are going to question my ability to forgive. To let the past go? That's rich."
TBC