You watch in trepidation as it is announced on the TV screen. This is what you hoped for, and yet it's what you dreaded as well. The cure presents an opportunity, one that you never dare dreamt for and yet here it is blinding into heart-wrenching oblivion. This is where the thoughts start, spiralling out of control; your powers make you who you are and yet your gift (or is it curse?) numbs you from physical affection.
Storm makes it clear, and you know now that mutants will be divided; those hating, and those wondering.
You've been avoiding everyone, or more specifically him. But he tracks you down and you feel the bile raise in your throat as you say those unforgivable words and watch as the hurt builds in his profile. You lobbed him in with the others when he never expected anything from you; but you can't deny the way he looks at Kitty, and resent it even more when you realise it's you who pushed him away.
You think of the things you should have said, but to be honest, you don't even know where you stand with him anymore. You know that you've sacrificed affection for countless years, feeling emotion, never touch.
You think that he deserves Kitty but hate the fact that it makes you feel something you thought you let go of a long time ago when you started at Xavier's school. Jealousy is so repugnant and you feel alien, wishing that everything could be simpler.
You curse under your breath, but it's easier this way.
A long time ago, if you had been offered the cure to end your mutation, you would have jumped at the chance, but now, after everything, you're lost. Xavier died. Scott died. The funeral was in the morning, and Bobby sat between you and Kitty, holding her bare hand, holding your gloved one. You don't feel anything, only numbness that stretches on into a void. You feel the wetness on your cheeks as your vision becomes blurry, listening to Storm, silently wishing.
It is night, and you're sitting on your bed thinking, thinking of packing and running away to get the cure, you think about apologising. You go to your window and you spot Kitty and Bobby skating hand in hand on the (artificial) frozen fountain. You hate it even more how he embraces her like he could never do to you, how they stagger and then you become glacial. The irony is so humorous, he is iceman and because of that, you're cold inside. You were numb before, forcing yourself to accept your powers and he comes in and you feel again. You know deep down that if he still cared, he would fucking be with you. Something inside of you snaps and you understand that you can never learn to love with this 'gift'. You don't even feel the tears come this time, he's just another jerk you let into your life.
You pack, you're walking down the hallway, this time you know you've made up your mind. You run into Logan at the door, smoking a cigarette as per usual. He smiles at you as you approach, and everything you've been holding back tumbles out of your mouth. He doesn't even try to stop you, he hits the bullseye when he mentions the reasoning behind the motive. You think about this, but know that this is what you want. Without looking back you step out of the mansion, not knowing when you'll walk through again, but understanding that at least you still have a friend.
You take the train into the city, and one step out, and you begin to fully comprehend the result of the cure. You familiarise yourself with the yelling as you take your place in the line where your life will change forever. You kind of wish now that you had a chance to talk to Bobby, but know that he would never have let you go. You curse at yourself for being weak, for reliance when you know full well that he was probably with Kitty at school. All Kitty did was grow up and now she's a fucking attraction, you bite your lip to stop yourself thinking.
You step into the building, and the first thing you notice is that everything is clinical white. You feel so out of place, and it takes all of your resolve to take the few steps into the next room. The nurse barely looks at you, just straps you in; as if you would run away. You watch in morbid fascination as she raises the injection and dabs anaesthetic onto your forearm. You remembered a period, after cerebro but before the cure, when you were content. You both were. And then you started to see the mutual attraction grow between him and Kitty. You weren't scared, you trusted him. You realise that it was natural that he would eventually lose interest in you, maybe you were just a trifle toy to fill some large unoccupied space. You shake your head, no; you don't think he would break you like that; you all made a choice… maybe you chose the wrong one.
It doesn't even sting, you watch as the liquid enters your system, and you know you've been purged of what the others call a threat. You don't regret your choice. You walk a hazy dream as you reach the door, feeling neither human nor mutant.
When you reach the mansion, the ambience is sombre; you can't remember when it was last like this, apart from Xavier and Scott's passing. You source out what happened, and you realise what needed to happen, and Logan's choice to do it. You can't imagine anything anymore, not after Jean. You find Logan, his anguish is beyond tears, he didn't speak, he didn't need to. You realise he couldn't save the woman he loved, and the woman she had turned into. You wrap your arms around him in an embrace and you vaguely comprehend that this is the first time you've experienced a hug without causing pain.
You finally reach your room, where you've spent countless years, you sit on your bed, and dawning comprehension allows you to realise how real everything you've experienced is. The door opens, and you don't have to turn around to know who stands behind you. You knew this would come eventually, you don't know what you want from it, don't know what you feel anymore. You hate uncertainty, but this you can't control. It takes all of your courage to look him in the eyes. You place your hand in his, and it amazes you how such a simple action could bring so much emotion inside of you. You've sacrificed to feel an effortless touch that others take for granted. He pulls you into an embrace and the fears you've kept in yourself tumble out of your mouth. He looks at you anxiously, and you can see the mild pain in his profile, you barely comprehend how this is panning out.
You gently pull him down to face you, and there were no words… just a kiss.
Thanks for reading!