Please see my author page for my SLASH POLICY. All flames must be coherent.
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BUGGER THE BUNNY
Also archived at the SiriusxJames! Yahoo! Group.
"Happy Easter!" James' voice was jubilant as he pranced around in circles in the Gryffindor boys' dorm, waving his arms around like a poorly-constructed windmill flapping along in a hurricane and randomly chucking chocolate eggs around the room, accidentally pegging Sirius in the back of the head "Happy Ea—oops, sorry! Shit, didn't mean to hit you, Padfoot. I'm sorry, really, I am."
Sirius sent him the glare-to-quelch-all-glares.
"It. Is. Seven. In the morning." Sirius' voice was terse, each syllable punctuated by a steely note of curbed exasperation. "We have doubles Potions with the Slytherins first thing. No. More. I-do-not-need-to-have-fucking-eggs-rammed-into-the-back-of-my-skull-right-now-are-we-clear?" He said this last part very quickly, breath rushing sharply out of his lungs.
"But Siri!" James whined, almost petulantly. "It's Easter! Be happy!"
"I hate Easter," Sirius grumbled, tossing a dirty shirt over his shoulder, where it flew across the room and slapped Peter lightly on the side of the face ("Hey! Watch the clothes!") before falling into folds on the dormitory floor. "Fuck Easter."
"You hate Easter?" James' eyes were wide, not quite exaggeratedly, but in a very comical way. "How can you hate Easter? Think about the chocolate, think about the eggs—"
"Oh, you mean like the one that was just bashed into the back of my head?" Sirius muttered under his breath, pawing in a doglike manner through his massive pile of unfolded clothes.
"—and the fake plastic grass that Muggles use," James continued, seemingly oblivious to the interruption in his treatise on the benefits of Easter ("How would you know about Muggles and Easter, you're pureblooded," Peter said wryly), "and the happy kids—"
"Bugger the happy kids," was Sirius' mumbled retort.
"No, Sirius, you really don't want to do that," Remus said in his vaguely calm way, not lifting his gaze from the meticulous essay that was being given a last moment revision. "Not unless you're a paedophile with a couple of good Memory Charms to dish out..."
Peter stared at Remus strangely. "What's gotten into you, Moony?"
Laughter bubbled up from James' chest. "Chocolate withdrawal!" he crowed triumphantly, once again tossing hands in the air and thrashing his lanky arms about. "Here," he called, snatching up the chocolate egg—now abandoned—that had so rudely smacked against Sirius' head. "At least *someone* will appreciate this."
"No time..." Remus almost-chanted absentmindedly. "Potions next class..."
"Don't you ever stop revising, Moony?" Peter asked, at the same time that James groaned, "Urgh! Please stop reminding me!" ("Fucking eggs," Sirius muttered, depositing a pile of T-shirts on James' bed.)
"Seriously though," James said, having recovered from his bout of dismay at the thought of seeing Snape's lovely face first thing in the morning after breakfast. "How can you possibly hate Easter, Padfoot?"
"It's just bloody annoying!" Sirius said. "And... cheerful, and bright and flowery, and... urgh." He gave a mock shiver that perhaps wasn't entirely faked. "Happy people bug me."
"No," Remus continued smoothly in his absently pleasant tones, eyes still riveted to his homework. "No, that's not right. Happy people bugger you. Padfoot. Or at least they want to. Yeah."
Peter snorted, looking torn between incredulity and amusement, but James' back straightened so quickly that there was a cracking sound that almost could have been his vertebrae. "There had better be no happy people buggering my boyfriend!" he almost-shouted, glancing over at the still muttering form of said boyfriend, who was now sticking his head under his bed and swiping his arm underneath, as if searching for something.
That drew a snicker from Peter. "Possessive one, James, are you?" he asked, smirking. "Are there really no happy people buggering Sirius? You poor, poor thing Prongs, abstinence must be might hard for you... we know how used to you are to getting your way..."
James glared at his friend. "You shut up," he growled, not having anything better to say. He gave a melodramatic sigh. "You guys are all hopeless... it's bloody Easter, and you all..."
"Are still relatively sane?" Peter quipped, raising an eyebrow. "Unlike... you?"
James blatantly ignored him. "You guys are all... dull! Not celebrating! C'mon! At least show some holiday spirit!" ("Fuck holiday spirit," Sirius grumbled.) "You know? Easter! Happy! Chocolate! Moony loves chocolate!"
Exasperated and irritated beyond belief, James rushed over and grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him so that the other boy's concentration was pried away from his homework.
"Damn it, look at you all! This is sodding pathetic! It's fucking Easter! Moony, can't you please stop revising for one moment in the whole epoch of your fucking life?!" ("Damn, he's wordy when he's mad," whispered Peter to Sirius, who nodded in agreement.)
Slowly, Remus looked up, the dreamy glaze over his face fading to an expression of (relative) normalcy. "Prongs," he said calmly. "Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Oxygen is good."
Ignoring his friend's maddeningly sensible advice, James clambered onto his bed, knocking the pile of Sirius' clothes to the ground ("Hey!) and waved his arms wildly in the air. "Hello! What has gotten into all of you guys?!"
Peter and Remus exchanged a look; Sirius brushed his hair out of his face.
"I mean," James cried, continuing his diatribe while using his bed as a pedestal, "for Merlin's sake, aren't you guys going to do anything? Eat some chocolate! Have an Easter egg hunt! I dunno... dress up as a bunny!"
Remus and Peter snickered, as Sirius said sarcastically, "Yeah! Sticking a wad of cotton onto my arse and parading around like a semi-sentient creature is just the thing to make my Easter a memorable holiday!"
James rounded on his boyfriend, glaring. "And you! You're always so cynical! Why do you hate Easter? Why can't you be happy? Easter is a happy holiday! Be happy! Cuddly! Dance with me or something!"
"He's finally lost it," whispered Remus reverently at the same time that Sirius asked, one eyebrow raised, "You don't think I'm... romantic enough?"
"Well... I wouldn't put it that way." James, feeling his lower lip arrange itself into a huffy pout, suddenly became aware of how childish he was acting.
Walking toward James bed and reaching up toward his lover, Sirius laid a placating kiss on James' temple. "You know I love you."
Sighing loudly, James turned to face his boyfriend, cupping Sirius' face in his hands. "I know. Me too." ("Aw..." chorused Remus and Peter obnoxiously.)
Sirius smirked. "And you realize that just because society's fluff and rot hasn't corroded my mind into ash doesn't mean I can't be romantic. I'm a happy person." He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, pulling them down so that James sat leaning over Sirius' reclined form. "But seriously! Those happy little kids can really be traumatizing!" He shuddered as if to emphasize the validity of his point.
"Oh, Sirius, can't you at least give Easter a chance? I mean, don't you like any... fluffy stuff at all? Cards? Love letters? Rainbows? Easter bunnies—"
"Fuck the Easter bunny!" Sirius exclaimed vehemently, finally losing his patience and flinging his arms wide, subconsciously displaying his slim body to James' perusal and exposing a tiny sliver of flesh where his robes were not quite properly fastened.
James shifted his position so that he was lying atop his lover, his legs straddling Sirius' thighs. Smiling and rolling his eyes at the other boy's impetuousness, he leaned down and kissed Sirius firmly on the lips, grinding his hips against his boyfriend's and feeling the heat begin to well up in the pit of his stomach. "Frankly, my dear, I'd rather fuck you."
Remus and Peter fled.
FINIS
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