Edited by me so sorry about any and all grammer/spelling errors. Tried my best with this one. Rated for swearing, dark(ish) thoughts, and implied stuff... If you know what I mean. (tee hee)
Enjoy!
Who are you Draco?
A stuck up, spoiled brat? The Malfoy heir? A son of the Dark Lord's follower? ...Death Eater?
Is it worth it? Becoming a Death Eater? Dying? You don't want to die for them- Lucius, Narcissa, the Dark Lord. They want you to fight and (you're smart enough to know) die for them.
The Dark Lord wants you. Your father and mother... They've fallen out of his favor. You've got to pay the price- you've got to take the mark.
But that's what everyone wants, isn't it?
Your father's pressuring you, right, Draco? To take the mark? Society expects it. Another Malfoy dabbling in the Dark Arts? No big surprise there.
Potter... he thinks you've taken the mark. You know he does. He already suspects you of it.
You've got to take it. One you have, you've lost your life.
It's suffocating, isn't it? They're smothering you. Even that Gryffindor, damn him! Such pride in himself. What does a Malfoy- hell even a normal Slytherin with no ties to the Dark Arts- have to be prideful of now? With the world the way it is... The things about yourself that you use to hold up so high, when noticed, only bring you pain. Draco, you know the world has to change. One way or another.
You don't know where to hide yourself. You don't know who you need to be. What side do you place your beliefs in? What side will accept you, which side will realize the gray areas? The parts of you-light and dark- so intricately woven everywhere inside you. You're hearts in the grey right now. It's shattering you, Draco.
You are breaking.
He has you parents Draco. You've seen Him use your mother, imprison your father. Their perfection and honor and everything they taught you to place at the forefront is run downhill. By His return to power. It's only been a year and everything your family lived for is crashing.
He makes a deal with you. One you can't refuse without the loss of your parents lives.
You lose yourself; All the decisions you made were for nothing. The steps you took, Draco- they're behind you now. You took the mark.
He branded you to His side.
Branded you into- into slavery! He forced you to believe in evil. You've lost control of your own life. He controls your body. Controls your heart, your mind, spirit, thoughts, soul. Your everything is His now. You walk on the finest glass, but the fragile, broken edges pull you under every time He takes over. Every time you go against the side you KNOW you belong on; The side you KNOW is going win this war.
Heh... Too bad there's a difference between knowing something, and believing in it.
Time goes by. Things fester. You're pulled in. It won't stop so you try, you try, you try so hard! Throwing Him off, no, it's too much! You can't take it. You, you can't... It's hard to breathe, you can't move, He's taken over! He's inside you! He has you...
But no... It's okay. He has to move on, to give up control some time, move to someone else. He CAN'T keep you like this, He CAN'T! It's too much! No! Please, He has to pass on. He can't stay in you forever! It'll pass! This... the control has to let up sometime!
But it doesn't pass.
He doesn't go away. The, the guilt, the
DAMN GUILT!
the damn feeling of violation and of vulgarity NEVER leaves you, and you're sick,
YOU'RE SICK!
Sick of what Father and the
BASTARD DARK LORD
and that Gryffindor, that
FUCKING GOLDEN BOY!
Potter, the one who was
SUPPOSED TO KILL
that madman such a long, long time
BEFORE HE EVER!
ever did this to you!
Why didn't he just kill you?
That day in the bathroom, don't you remember it? After finding you in that bathroom, pouring your soul out to the reflection on the mirror. He almost killed you. He could have just-
STOP IT! Listen to yourself! You're screaming now. QUIET!
They made you think like this. They MADE you! They... They changed you. They changed what you were supposed to become. Who you ever going to become. You're lost! Everything... It's gone!
But... That includes the DARK LORD! He's gone! You can think now! You... you know that there's a chance He'll come back but HE'S GONE! You...
Wait... There's other things missing too. Important things. Something really important is gone, something you need to be... No! Where is it? Did He take it? You knew where it was before but now, it's not there. It vanished. It...It IS gone! No wait, don't... Keep looking! Think! WHERE IS IT? What is it? You are... No...
Who are you?
Who you are... You're not even Draco anymore.
You're trying to be what you need to be. You're trying to be what you feel you want to be but it's...
NO! It's NOT! Not for you. You tear every layer He's forced into your make-up. You burn up the Dark, you scatter the ashes, and you bury the parts that are too sturdy to go up in flames. You destroy everything that made you lose yourself! Everything that kept you too close to going deeper and closer to the end. Everything that's not you.
You hardly know what you are anymore. Hopefully, whatever's left will be worthy of forgiveness in the end. If you live through all this, of course. You'll hope for forgiveness... But you're unsure if you will be ready for it. Of the condemning that comes before it. You're sure though, with or without condemning or forgiving, you'll find out who you are. Because you can't be what you were, nor what He made you. But in time, you'll know.
It's time now. Time for the survivors to live.
He, the Dark Lord, He's dead. Gone for good. You're free. You're father and mother, they're free too. They're pretending though. Trying to hold a place in society when the dust settles. They've always acted the part they needed to play for the public. You're not even sure how they're able to think right now. But they are smart (although some choices they made in the past beg to differ) and they know that if they play up the empathy, at the time when emotions are high, their resulting networks will be that much stronger.
They taught you be smart too, and to act. You practice now. As they show you off, you hide all the anger, the fright, the doubt that you'll never get a second chance in this new "light" world.
Because, even though you know you never wanted the Dark Lord in control after what He did, there is a part of you, of your future mostly, that died with His rein. You're parents are trying but you... You have no place now.
You are ruined.
No one sees. They're all in a relieved, numb state of calm. No one notices the broken mask you wear. The one slowly crumbling into pieces. To them, you're invisible.
Some how, in all the blind acceptance of the surviving light, you're captured by him. By Potter.
You've never been able to hide from me, Draco.
You know who you are.
He reaches you, Draco. He hides you. He helps you. With him, Draco, you give up.
The hate, the pain, the confusion, the past... Given up.
You're with Potter,
Harry.
now.
He asks you everyday, Draco. Everytime... Tangled up with him, sheltered against him, and loved by him. Just as you fall asleep next to him, breathing with him, he asks you.
Who are you, Draco.
Who knows? You answer with the all the snarky attitude you've always thrown at him when you were boys. With all the cheek you once possessed as an innocent child, unaware of your horrifying future, and the surprising forever that would fallow.
He replies with a kiss and three words. One soft, sealing brush to the sweat-soaked silk face that encases your reeling, complex, knowing, tired, SLYTHERIN thoughts.
And the words...
You and I.
.
Writing crazy Draco is a LOT of fun! I was shaking trying to write this because I had to get all crazy too. And overload on hot cheetoes, vanilla yogurt covered pretzle things and rockstar "hydration" thing (the yellow one) sure doesn't help.
So give it me straight, Doc..Suck fest? Or worth the read? Please review and tell me if you like it.
-J