My mum never asked God why.
She never asked why things happened to her.
Normally, if something wrong or bad where to happen one would ask oneself why God or any other person to blame caused it.
Why did I deserve this? You ask.
This was not the case for my mum.
All the food stamps bundled up in her thrift store coat; making their value last till she could feed the three of us.
My sister and I made due with what we had. We learned to be creative.
You learn when all you play with is a doll made of bed sheets.
I always pondered how my mum, living as a widow in the middle of no where, with two children to feed and clothe did it.
But, through the amazing powers of motherhood, she held her head high and moved on.
Never once asking why her.
One day, when I was a young child of 7 years, I pondered aloud.
"Mummy, why don't you ever ask God why he choose to put us here?"
"Well, Kay, I never asked him why he gave me all the good things in life. Why should I ask about the bad?" And she patted my head, humming and moving onto her next chore.
Little did she know this would last me forever.
"Mum! Where's my camera?...Mum!... Mum?" My voice rang through our cottage on the outskirts of London.
"Under your jeans on the chair!"
Low and behold. Scary...
"Thanks!"
"MARA!"
"Kill me, why don't ya." She said, rubbing her ear for emphasis.
"Heh..." I giggled, running outside to see the bus on the corner take a speeding bolt away from us.
"Nice." Mara said, next to me.
I sighed.
I never ask "Why" about the good things, why the bad things?
After walking the 4 miles to the outside of London, we began our trek to find some interesting things to take photos of.
I focused my lens on a random building, panning over to find something hidden to the naked eye.
My eye landed on a billboard.
McFly
New
Album Out NOW!
I sighed. I missed the boys. All but one.
Flash
Back I
ran out of the building, laughing at how Dougie acted when he found
out about the whipped cream in his shoes. He chased me down,
being way quicker then I thought. He wrapped his arms around
me from behind and slowed me down. I turned and giggled into
his kiss. Everything he did made me melt.
I turned to face her, a worried expression on her face.
We've been walking for a while and were now at The Eye, a giant Ferris-wheel like structure.
I turned behind me, watching many packs of girls and reporters mixed together forming a cluster around four boys. Our boys.
I couldn't help but stare.
One year is too long.
Okay, maybe I ran away.
Maybe Mara even offered to help update me through Danny, her long time and still boyfriend.
Maybe I was just too pained.
Maybe Dougie drank because of me.
There's a lot of maybe's here
But all in all, it was my fault.
I was frozen. Studying every feature, every new item about them.
Every hair on Dougie's head.
I expected Dougie to get a new girlfriend. It's not like no one wouldn't want him.
But no girl was on his arm, not one person taking my place.
They packed into Tom's mini cooper and sped off to their home.
I got a sudden revelation, urging myself to go along with it.
I waved my hand at the nearby taxi franticly. Ignoring the looks from Mara.
"To 268 Walnut Street. Please" I said, slipping into the back of the car.
I saw Tom's car zip by and Harry was looking out the back. Looking right at me.
We got to McFly's house our destination quickly.
I threw my money at the driver, getting out as quickly as possible.
Tom's car was in the drive, noting that they were there.
I stood in the same spot, just looking up into that house where I just wanted with all my heart to be in. I wanted everything to be ok.
Mara stood with me, just looking at me.
"What are we doing here?" She asked.
"I- I honestly don't know."
"Well, I'm going in." She said, sounding frustrated.
"But-"
"No!" She screamed. I stood, shocked. "I'm tired of this, Kay. I just want to see my boyfriend without any trouble. And I want my sister to be there." She said at a very high volume, probably causing the members of the household to hear.
"I- I want you to be okay. I want my sister, my best friend to be okay with my friends. And I want to be able to hang out. Like old times." By now everyone was outside, just looking at the scene before them.
"I- I'm sorry." I said, my tears boiling over.
"I-" She started, but Danny came over, putting a hand on her shoulder, telling her to calm down. Mission Accomplished.
He took her inside, caring for her while she cried from frustration. I wanted that.
I looked away from the house, scoping out my options.
"Kay?" Tom whispered.
"Yeah, it's me." I sighed.
"God we missed you." Harry said coming over along with Tom to give me a hug.
I happily returned the gesture, happy to see my friends again.
Dougie was just standing there.
"It's not that easy," Dougie insisted, his eyes glazing with tears.
"How can it not be that simple? It was simple enough for you to down those beers." I stated, my rage overcoming the fact that everyone was still in the room.
"I-"
"It was easy enough to call me a whore. It was easy enough to bring back my father! It was easy enough to hurt me so bad."
I remember everything about the past. Everything I tried to avoid.
Everything.
Everything I tried to cover up.
Flashback 2 years
I
entered the dressing room I knew the boys would be in. I just
uncovered the reason I felt sick all this week. The reason
Dougie might hate me for. I knocked and heard shuffling and
the door opened to Harry, covering up my only veiw of the room. I
smiled at him, questionly. "Um "What? Why?" I asked, opening the
door to the room. I saw Dougie, stumbling on his own two feet,
with Danny and Tom trying to keep him up. "Wha- What did
you do to him?" I hurriedly went over to Dougie, taking his face
in my two hands, staring into his eyes. Glazed over. "We
tried to get him to stop-" "But he
refused." "Guys, guys, I'm f-fine." Dougie
slurred. "And to think I came to tell you something
important," I scoffed. "And what would that even
be?" He asked, as if forgetting that I'm- "I'm
pregnant." His jaw clenched and he had a look of furry on
his face. "You whore. It's not mine. Who the hell did you
sleep with?!" He yelled, stepping forward at me. "I-"
I was shocked. No, shocked doesn't do it justice. "Besides you?
No one. Why would you even think that?" "I see the
way guys look at you." And he pushed me. I
stumbled and regained my balance. This just brings me back to
my father who drank himself to death. The tears were falling
by now. Running my mascara and eyeliner. And I ran with my
make-up. Right out that door.
The baby never happened and everything changed.
I don't even know how it happened, but there I was, in Dougie's arms while I cried. We were alone in the living room.
I pushed him away from me, putting my face in my hands.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't fix it."
"What will?"
"I don't know if I'm ready for you again."
I have no clue how I ended up where I ended up, but all I know is now I was sitting in a pub at the bar, downing my 6th pint.
I grimaced as the bitter liquid slid down my thought.
All I know is that McFly and company were no where to be seen.
Thank God.
Of course, I could imagine what I looked like. I probably looked exactly like my father. Right down to my nose.
Sitting lonely, staring off into space. By now, I was getting the cliché statement from the bartender, "I think you've had enough."
I sighed, standing.
I felt sloppy. I felt like I just wanted to collapse and just sleep in my spot.
I wobbled to the door. Even knocking over a chair or two.
I flagged down a taxi and slurred out my destination.
I placed my forehead on the cold window.
I closed my eyes and thought, God; I need some lovin'
Dougie's POV
The door rang about 4 hours 2 minutes and 15 seconds after Kay left. Not that I was counting.
"Guys! Get the door!" No answer.
"Guys?"
"Get it yourself!"
I groaned and stood from my bed. I spent the whole time thinking about Kay.
I opened the door, seeing Kay leaning against the side of the house.
"I want you." She stated, with a purring lacing over every word.
"W-what?" I asked, confused. This is not the Kay I knew.
She leaned forward and placed her lips on mine. Pure heaven.
I removed her from me and held her shoulders with my hands at arms length.
I studied her eyes, searching for clues.
"Have you been drinking?" I asked, smelling the alcohol on her breath.
"Just a little." She giggled.
This was not Kay.
I picked her up bridal style and started to carry her to my room.
"Dougie," She giggled. "What are you doing? Put me down!"
I ignored her pleas and brought her into my room.
There's no way I'm taking advantage of her when she's like this. No matter how much I want her.
I laid her down on my bed and slowly made my exit.
"Hold me." Kay squeaked out.
I turned and met her pleading gaze. I walked over to the bed and let her slip into my arms.
I held her like that, and just feeling her skin made my heart rate speed up.
"I've always loved you Dougie." She stated, before her breathing was smooth and steady.
"I've loved you too," I whispered, meaning every single word.
Kay's POV
I woke up, startled by the bright light coming out of the windows. I shut my eyes and breathed deeply.
Wait.
This isn't the smell of my bed...
I squinted and looked up at the face of Dougie.
Crap.
I tried to remember the pervious night. But the only picture that came to mind was the beers I drowned.
But a snippet of audio seemed to hit me hard.
"I always loved you Dougie."
Fuck.
I stirred and tried to detach myself from the sleeping figure. But his arms only clamped harder around me.
"Dougie," I whispered softly.
He just grunted and did his little pout like he always does when he wakes up.
I giggled and placed my lips near his mouth.
"Dougie," I whispered again.
He inched his face up close enough to where his lips greeted mine.
I succumbed to the fit of passion and went along with him.
What am I doing?!
I pulled away and looked the other direction.
He didn't seem to get the picture.
He trailed kisses down my neck and back again. Hitting all the right places.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Harry popped his head in with a knowing smirk.
"Breakfast." He stated simply and retreated downstairs.
Dougie rolled off of me and sat on the side of the bed.
He placed a pair of his boxers that he knew were my favorite to wear and a McFly shirt on the end of the bed.
He slowly walked towards the door and paused at the doorway.
"For what it's worth," He started. "I'm sorry."
And he left.
In those few moments... I knew I was ready for him.
I walked downstairs in the wardrobe that Dougie left for me.
I sat at the kitchen table next to Dougie and gave him a peck on the cheek.
It seems the act of kindness was just what it took to get the whole room to stop doing what they were doing.
"What?" I said, looking around the room.
"Nothing." Mara said quickly, as if I would change my mind to be nice in seconds.
Mara made a hand gesture and everyone went back to their business.
"Mom called," Mara said. "She was wondering what you were doing."
"I-"
"Don't worry, I told her you had to work late in the studio."
I gave a grateful glance to Mara.
We ate breakfast and after, Mara took it upon herself to pull me aside and grill me.
"Okay. Spill." She said as soon as she sat me down.
"I forgave him. I can't hate him when I love him more."
"Fair enough."
"Your turn."
"What are you talking about?" She said, trying to hide her blush.
"Danny and yourself. Don't think I didn't hear you."
"Okay. Okay! Don't get graphic!"
"Mara!" Danny yelled.
"Hablamos de el diablo" (Means: speak of the devil.) I said in Spanish with a smirk so Danny wouldn't understand.
Mara rolled her eyes and Danny gave a confused look before continuing.
"McFly is going on tour!!"
"I'm proud of you." My mother happily stated as I retold the story from the previous night.
"Thanks. But I still don't know what to do about the tour." I said, raking my brain for an answer.
"Go," She said simply. "Mara's going, you should too. Catch up with your old friends. Stop being depressed. This is the most happy I've seen you since what Dougie did." Damn. She really knows me.
I nodded and hugged her. I soon scampered upstairs to my disaster area bedroom.
I blew a piece of hair out of my eyes and began packing.
"Ready?" I said, popping my head into Mara's bedroom.
"Yeah, okay. We're heading right out." She said into her cell phone. "Love you too, bye." She ended her conversation.
"I was talking to Danny. They're outside." She said.
We walked outside after saying goodbye to our mother.
Little did I know where we were going.
"The US?!" I asked as soon as I was told the news.
"Yeah. We need to become more known out there." Tom said, as if it was obvious.
"Great," I huffed. Now I have to go to new territory.
Dougie squeezed my shoulder comfortingly and gave me a happy smile.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and pulled in his scent of laundry detergent and the cologne I gave him for our 1st year anniversary. Guess he kept it.
We entered the airport and made our way to the private jet we were chartering.
Let me just note now that flying is not my thing. I've never flown before.
But I had a certain someone to hold my hand throughout the trip.
And let's just say it wasn't my sister.
I exited the JFK airport, wondering if I'd understand this unusual place. I was told by the man near me on the plane that New York was the worst place to go if you wanted to like the US. Wonderful, it was our first venue.
I hugged by bag close to myself, which I was also told to do, and pulled by suitcase along with me.
"Van's outside." Tom said, leading the way.
I followed, reluctantly, wondering how much it would cost to get a trip back to London.
I handed my suitcase to the man who was driving us to the hotel, slightly grimacing at his toothless smile.
I'm not a stuck up girl, trust me, I just was used to the countryside of England.
I slid into the seat, getting as far away from the driver as possible.
About 20 minutes later, due to traffic, we were at the hotel, checking in.
We were going to spend about a week in New York, to promote the tour as much as possible.
I dragged by suitcase behind myself as I made my way to the elevator.
An old man stood next to me, waiting as well. I felt two arms snake their way around my torso and hug me close. I smiled privately.
We all entered the elevator, including the little old man.
"What floor?" He asked kindly.
"9" I answered for the group.
"British, huh?"
"Yes, is it that obvious?"
"Very."
I sighed defatted, this is gonna be some long months.
"We get this room!" Danny called, pulling Mara with him.
I sat on the couch of the suite, watching amusingly at the crazy chaos around me.
Dougie already choose a room for us-- one bed in said room.
"I'm going to explore!" Yelling throughout the room, to who cared-- which was not most.
I soon found a Starbucks, which I heard sold very usual coffee for crazy prices, and entered it.
I ordered a hot chocolate and sat in a seat near the window, where I could see the crazed New Yorkers walking by.
They all seemed to have a destination. All seemed to have planned everything out.
But looking at myself, I didn't know what I was doing... I didn't know where I was going.
"May I sit here?" Asked a dark haired kid with seemingly girls' jeans on.
"S-sure," I said, startled.
"I don't bite." He laughed.
"I'd hope not."
"Whoah, are you British?" He questioned.
"Yeah." I said, blushing.
"We don't get a lot of those here." He said, and now I glanced at his apron and hat, noticing that he worked here.
"Well, pleased to meet you, I'm Katie or Kay." I said, sticking out my hand.
"Jake." He said, shaking my outstretched hand.
"Looks like my break's over. I hope I see you again..."
"You will." I smiled.
As I walked the few blocks back to the hotel, I felt light as air and giddy. Total opposite from this morning. It was late at night and I had explored farther than the coffee shop to this funky vintage store.
My bag banged against my hip with my new shirt tucked inside. I stepped onto the lift and pulled my mobile out of my pocket, turning it on. As it beeped to life, it read 8 missed calls, 5 Dougie, 2 Mara, 1 Tom. My brows furrowed and a questioning look appeared on my face. I dialed my voicemail and listened intently.
"Kay, it's me, Doug." He sighed and I could tell he was rubbing his face. "Where are you? We're all worried. You just seemed to disappear. Call me when you get this."
I told them I was leaving. As the elevator dinged open, I walked the hall to the hotel room and slipped my eye into the slot.
I quietly entered the room, turning to close the door behind me. The light switched on, causing me to jump. I turned quickly to face five angry faces. I tried to look as innocent as possible but my unnerving stupid sense of humor was making me stifle a laugh.
"Where have you been?" Danny asked, man he looked serious... for once.
"What are you, my mother?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Might as well be, now that we're here without her." Mara said next to him. Come on! She's my partner in crime! Why is she being to serious?!
"We were worried about you." Dougie said, standing from his seat on the couch.
"I said I was leaving. You guys were just busy." I said, throwing my purse and bag on the counter in the kitchen.
"But you could have waited for a conformation." Tom said his face soft as usual.
"Why aren't you all in bed?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Because Doug wouldn't let us." Harry said, earning a punch in the arm from Mara.
"You guys are overreacting." I said simply, walking into the bedroom that Dougie and I shared.
By the rustling in the living room, everyone else went into their respected rooms. Even Dougie.
"I was worried about you." He said, closing the door behind himself.
"Well, I'm here now. I'm sorry." I said, already in my PJs and slipping into bed.
Dougie stripped down to his boxers and followed after me. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his head into my hair.
"You smell good." His muffled voice came right next to my ear.
"Your skin is soft. That's kinda weird." I giggled softly, running my hand up and down his arm.
Dougie leaned over me and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.
Pure bliss.