A/N: so this is my first time writing a fic for Spashley that I've had enough confidence to post. I've just recently discovered the beauty that Spencer and Ashley fanfiction, and you guys are awesome at what you do. I'm addicted to most of what you all write. I first am a fan before a writer and if I can accomplish half the writing you all have written well I'll be damn lucky. So here you have it folks. My attempt at Spashley. Enjoy and please review I would love to hear what you all think of this :) –Nicole.
She was so easy to be with. My best friend. The one person I told everything to, all my dirty secrets. But somewhere, somehow things changed. My feelings changed. I went from loving her with all my heart, to being in love with her with everything that I had. She was all I thought about every minute of every day. The moments when we were together were spent just like any other time, just me taking longer glances her way. Me listening more closely. Me looking at her lips instead of her eyes. It was things like that, that marked the change in our friendship...for me at least.
I kept my feelings to myself. My one dirty secret that she would never know. The one thing I would keep from her, out of love. I couldnt change everything she was used to just because I had feelings for her. I wouldnt scare her away like that. I couldnt and I wouldnt. She was used to us being the way we were. Used to us being best buds. She wasnt good with change it scared her, and when she was scared she ran. Usually to me ...but I doubt in this case that would be the result. So for now I keep my feeling to myself. I hold what I feel in and try and be the best friend I know I should be.
The only con to this plan is it gets harder with time. It gets especially hard when shes lying in my bed wearing my boy shorts and a t-shirt because she forgot her pjs. It gets even more difficult when her feet get cold and she asks me to warm them up. Things weve been doing forever that should be routine and tiresome now become difficult because there are now feelings attached to my actions. Feelings Im afraid one day shell see right through.
I cant imagine her not being a part of my life, Im too afraid to do it. Shes the one person whose never judged me in this messed up place. We click, we understand each other. I understand the simple things about her and she understands the deeper things about me. We work well together, we fit perfectly. Shes the first girl I have ever felt this way for...ever. Thats not to say I'm not experienced in the field because thatd be a lie. But shes the first one I've loved. Ive always told her she isnt my type; that I could never fall for someone like her. Guess Ive proved myself wrong now havent I.
At times I wonder if she can see right through my lie. If she knows the way I feel, I swear I catch her looking a little longer than normal sometimes. Or maybe I'm being delusional and my mind is just trying to satisfy my heart. I have no clue what to think anymore. The only thoughts entering my mind right now involve the girl lying in bed next to me. Lying a little too close to allow me to get any sleep. My whole body is on fire, bursting with the need to hold her, to touch her to satisfy what Ive wanted for months now.
She finally gets in the position she somehow always manages to get in when were together. A position I often unravel myself from by morning. Awkward I'snt something I do well. Shes lying on her side with her body pressed into mine, and her head laying on my chest, arms wrapped tightly around me. These are the moments I should treasure moments that should get me by. Yet they only seem to torture me. Only remind me of what I dont have, of what I wont have. I still find myself holding onto her though, holding onto the illusion, because as much as I refuse to believe it, she feels good in my arms she feels right.
"Sorry, Im squishing you" she mumbles into my neck as she stirs and begins to reposition herself away from me.
"Youre fine dont worry. I think I can handle you. Go back to sleep: I whisper back to her. Pulling her toward me, making sure her feet are covered. It doesnt take her long before she's nuzzled back into her spot and sleeping.
I just lay here most nights thinking, trying to control my feelings and thoughts from straying too far. Maybe its just a phase I tell myself hoping one day itll just go away, but I know that isnt the case. What I feel is real and unfortunately its not going anywhere.
Tonight's different though. She stirs more than she normally does. I can feel her moving in my arms. Shes turned away so that she's still on her side but her back is now facing me. I've lost my contact with her. That is of course until I feel one of her hands grab at my own hands lying on my stomach. Shes pulling me towards her, pulling me up against her. It must be a dream because were spooning! I dont know what to do with my hand that she has; shes tucked it underneath herself, and I'm afraid I can't take it back even if I wanted to.
"Its cold in here tonight, Ash. Stay close you keep me warm" was all she said as she kept me wrapped in her arms all night.