Don't Make Me Remember
Disclaimer- I don't own Torchwood or anything else involved in Torchwood… and but I do own the tears that I cried when I decided to write this… :D ENJOY
Warning- Character Death, Suicide… Abuse… Overall Sadness
A/N- I hate author's notes but PLEASE READ THIS! The poem in the beginning was written by my AWESOME best friend! I think the poem is better than the story… :D
BTW for people who are unaware tad means dad in Welsh…
I don't want to remember
Don't make me remember
My head hurts
My heart aches
My soul can only take so much...
Don't make me! Don't make me! Don't make me remember!
I don't want to remember
I can feel it, though
Traces of it trying to break its way out
Trying to seep through the bars of the cage
Deep within my subconscious
Where I've expertly locked it away...
Don't make me! Don't make me! Don't make me remember!
I don't want to remember
Though it's seeping through
Finding its way out of the tower made entirely of my will power
But I guess I'm not strong enough
I can see it now
The flashbacks have already come with a POW!
A wince here
A grimace there
But I know it'll only get worse
As I try to push back my burdening curse...
Don't make me! Don't make me! Don't make me remember!
I don't want to remember
But the headache is here
I'm yanking my hair
Pulling it out of my skull
As I stare and scream in absolute fear
Maybe an ice pack will make all the pain go away?
HA!
Not a chance
Gotta ride out the waves
To get rid of it for a while
I must push my way through
Though I still resist
I don't think it's best that I go through with this...
Don't make me! Don't make me! Don't make me remember!
I don't want to remember
But it's too late now
The ache has spread to my heart
Trying to make me bow
Why did this happen?
Why? Why me?
Why can't I take it?
It's only a simple memory...
Don't make me! Don't make me! Don't make me remember!
I don't want to remember
But I'm too far gone now
Too deep in my past
I'm suffocating in my fall down...
Don't make me! Don't make me! Don't make me remember!
I don't want to remember
I'd rather forget
Spare me my mind being torn to shreds
Did I really do that?
Did that actually happen to me?
Oh gosh! Oh gosh!
I feel so guilty
I never knew I was capable of such horrible things
How could I?
Why would I?
How did I even begin?...
Don't make me! Don't make me! Don't make me remember!
I didn't want to remember
But my mind won't let me forget
It reminds me every now and then of my terrible debt
So as I lie here now
Doubled over in pain
My soul has been tainted by what my mind just replayed...
It made me! It made me! It made me remember!
I didn't want to remember
But now it's fresh in my brain
I can't handle it though
It causes too much pain
Not ready to face it
To face what I did
So now if I close my eyes and pretend
My mind will shut down
My life will start over again
And that memory I saw
It'll be like I've been touched by the River Styx
For that memory I saw
Will no longer exist...
The memories flooded into Ianto's mind. He lied in his bed traumatized as the thoughts re surfaced in his brain. He could remember the days so clearly.
5 years old. That's when it started to get bad. But that isn't where Ianto's story starts. It started the day he was born. First couple minutes in and Ianto is already in a world of pain and fear. His mother died during child birth, and Ianto was lucky to even be alive. But his father didn't think so. His tad blamed Ianto for his wife's death. He was told every day. As a little toddler, he was never read bed time stories and he was never given hugs. But he was always reminded of those three words. It's your fault. As a kid he was beaten. Cuts and bruises grazed little Ianto's skin. School was his only salvation. School was the place he could hide away, his refuge. The pain that was written in his eyes was always being covered by a mask of happiness and laughter. It didn't occur to anyone that Ianto was hiding behind that mask. They thought that he was a happy kid that liked to wear long sleeve shirts and jeans. He only wore those clothes because shorts would show the scars. Sleeves could cover up the pain. It could cover up the things that Ianto thought he deserved. The father had drilled those words into Ianto. It's your fault. IT'S YOUR FAULT! And after a while. His father didn't need to remind him. Ianto dreamed nightmares based off those words. It's my fault.
"It's my fault…." Ianto whispered to himself. "She died because of me…" Ianto was about to be plunged into another set of nightmares from his childhood. No. He couldn't go through that. Not again. Not that day he was introduced to a blow torch. He could remember it. Burning. Red and hot. No not again father. Ianto eyed his pistol that was lying on the table next to him. He reached over to pick it up. "I know I deserved it…" Ianto whispered ever so softly as he pulled the trigger.