Title: And I Thought You Had Problems...
Rating: M for a lot of sexual references
Summary: Crossover with Doctor Who, with slight reference to The Sounds of Drums. Set sometime after A Day in the Death. The Doctor thinks Jack needs help, but he has no idea what Jack's team has been up to...
Pairings: Suggested Owen/Tosh, implied Jack/Ianto
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Torchwood! Why else would I order Series Two from Amazon instead of buying an HD set-top box so I can stay up 'til 10:30 to watch it?
Author's Note: This is slightly AU, in which the Doctor knows Jack's team (or at least what they look like).
And I Thought You Had Problems...
"Doctor, please, I don't have a problem!" insisted Jack.
"Yes you do," said the Doctor. "I know things are very different in the 51st century Jack – flirting's practically a second language for you lot – but you've got to learn to adjust to the time period you're in. I mean, you've been on Earth since 1869. Haven't you even tried to adopt the behaviour of the general population?" Jack looked at the Doctor blankly.
"Look," continued the Doctor, "you need this. Sexaholics Anonymous will do you good. I'll even come in with you, okay? And you can wear your TARDIS key. That way you can sit down and have a listen to everyone else, and take it off when you're ready to speak. Okay?" Jack rolled his eyes.
"Fine."
"Here we are," said the Doctor. "Are you ready?"
"I've been going through my speech in my head," replied Jack. "Hello, my name is Captain Jack Harkness. I like long walks along the beach, I work out…"
"Jack," said the Doctor seriously.
"Just kidding," said Jack. "My name is Jack and I'm a sexaholic. Where I come from, people are a lot more open with their sexuality and expressing themselves in sexual ways. Generally I try to keep my sexual interaction down to flirting, but I have been told that this behaviour is still unacceptable and that I need to control myself and my actions. Besides, as the boss of a small team, I need to set an example for my employees." He looked at the Doctor. "How was that?"
"Perfect," said the Doctor. "Okay, is your key on?" Jack nodded. "I'll just put mine on too – don't want people getting the wrong idea – there we go. Okay Jack, let's get you the help you need." They walked into the building together, and found a group of people sitting in seats in a semi-circle. They found a couple of spare seats and sat down. The Doctor looked around the group with interest.
"See Jack, isn't this nice?" he said. Jack, however, didn't respond. He was too shocked at the sight he saw. But before he could do anything, the group leader came in.
"Hello and welcome, everyone," she said. "My name is Patty, and I am a recovered sexaholic. I am here to help all of you today, so that you may come to feel what I do now. Okay, so why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves? You first, miss?" She turned to the end of the seats, where a young woman sat. It was as she stood up that the Doctor took notice of who she was.
"Uh, Jack, isn't that …" he began.
"Yeah," said Jack. Gwen Cooper took a deep breath and spoke.
"My name is Gwen, and I'm a sexaholic," she announced.
"Hello Gwen," said everyone else. Gwen smiled and continued.
"I've got a fiancé at home, and I love him dearly," she said. "But sometimes I get urges – strong, powerful urges. In the past year I almost had lethal sex with an alien, I kissed a ghost, I had an affair with a work colleague for some time, I was attracted to a young man a friend of mine was interested in, and I've been lusting over my boss since the day I met him." The Doctor looked at Jack, who was looking at Gwen with some surprise.
"Thank you Gwen, you can sit down now," said Patty. "Next please." Jack put his head in his hands as the man sitting next to Gwen stood up.
"My name is Owen and I was a sexaholic," he said. "Having sex was one of my favourite pastimes. I'd do it with anyone I could – male if necessary, though I generally prefer girls – and I suppose you could say that the situations weren't always consensual. I have been 'the other man' on more than one occasion…" He looked at Gwen here, "and have in fact had an affair whilst already being involved in an affair, if that makes any sense. But I have been celibate for two weeks now, since dying and being brought back, but with none of my vital organs working. And while I am somewhat proud of my achievement, I still bloody miss having sex." Some strange glances fell across the room after Owen finished speaking.
"Er, thank you, Owen," said Patty. "After this session, perhaps you could pop next door to our psychiatric department?" She quickly smiled and turned back to the rest of the group. "Next please."
"Shut up," said Jack, before the Doctor could comment on the next speaker.
"My name is Toshiko and I am a sexaholic," said Tosh. "Mind you, I don't go out looking for sex like some people. But once I find someone mildly close to me, I find the need to sleep with them. I'm not particularly fussy with gender, and I normally go for it only after I've known them for a couple of days. And then of course I just end up getting my heart broken. I know I shouldn't do what I do – maths and logic has told me that – but it's just that I get so lonely sometimes… and the only guy that I really have my eye on is the living dead."
"I wonder who that could be…" muttered the Doctor.
"That's very good, Toshiko," said Patty. "And who's that sitting next to you?"
"No way," said Jack to himself. "How…?"
"My name is Ianto and I am a sexaholic," said Ianto Jones. "I haven't had many sexual partners in my life, but when I do – especially with this current one – I find myself thinking about them, and having sex with them, all the time. I know on the outside I may seem quite shy, but on the inside I just want to unleash, and be consumed by the powerful experience that is sex. I find it hard to concentrate on work, and my work is important, to say the least. And this isn't helped by the fact that my current lover is also my boss." The Doctor's eyes widened at this current revelation, and he turned to Jack.
"What?" was all Jack said.
"Well Jack, do you want to have your turn?" asked the Doctor, already knowing what the answer would be. Jack was already at the door.
"Exactly what sort of people do you employ, Harkness?" questioned the Doctor as they stood outside the door.
"I can assure you that the personal activities of my team had absolutely nothing to do with their work at Torchwood," said Jack. "Okay, so perhaps I've noticed a few things from time to time, but I never realised that they reached this … extent."
"At least you've found a group of people who truly understands you," said the Doctor. "It looks like you don't have as many problems as I thought, at least compared with this lot. In that case, I'd better be getting back to the TARDIS. See you round sometime." He shook hands with his friend and walked off, shaking his head on the way. Meanwhile, Jack sighed and took his key off. Just at that moment, the rest of his team stepped outside, the meeting finished. Their eyes widened as they noticed their employer.
"Hi … Jack…" said Tosh nervously as she left.
"Good to see you, boss," murmured Owen following behind her. Gwen averted her eyes and found herself clutching her engagement ring. Ianto was about to walk off as well, when Jack pulled on his sleeve.
"And where do you think you're going?" he asked, grinning.
Ah Janto...
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