Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
They don't talk about it, even when they should. Stiles has been in love with Jackson Whittemore for a year now. He's done everything, been everything Jackson wants him to be. He's lied to his friends and his father, pretended to be someone else. He's put so much on the line for a relationship no one even knows about. One that really hasn't been defined by words at all.
He can't help it though, he's in love with the stupid jock and he'll stay even if it tears his heart into pieces because he loves Jackson. He loves his eyes and the way Jackson smiles when they are alone. Stiles loves the gentle caresses just as much as the hard thrusts. The way Jackson will fuck him into the mattress and then be content to just hold him afterwards.
He's happy to give up a part of him, change who he is if it means he can still have Jackson. Even if it's in secret.
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
He's played his part for so long that the once stab like sensation has died and twisted into a dull ache that never leaves. It's so far down it's in his bones like cancer.
Stiles' has followed Jackson, even when his head has told him not to. He's followed him into strange bedrooms at parties he has no place to be at just for a taste of his lips. He's walked into the forest at night so they can be together without anyone catching them. Stiles has waited for Jackson in the locker rooms after games, wondering if he meant it when Jackson texted him telling Stiles to meet him there.
Jackson leads and Stiles follows because it's always on Jackson's terms. He hates it but the alternative is losing him and Stiles can't do that. He's in too deep and the idea of being without Jackson makes him feel like he's drowning. So he'll follow him to the ends of the earth to make him happy because there is no other option. Even if his head tells him there is.
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
Jackson makes him feel so tiny. He was the sun and all consuming, burning away everything in his path. Stiles was a little planet in his orbit, circling around a star trying to not get burnt.
He thought he thought he could deal with it. Stiles thought he could deal with watching Jackson parade Lydia around the school like the ornament she was. But he couldn't. She was beautiful and so was Jackson and they looked flawless together. The whole school approved, like they'd been waiting for it to happen. The King and Queen had united and all the commoners were overjoyed.
So Stiles watched, he watched Jackson date Lydia like the captain of the lacrosse team should and then he'd wait for a sign. Anything that told him he still meant something to Jackson. There was always a sign, even if it was fewer and farther in between. Jackson still kissed him until he bruised in the bedroom, still fucked him raw when his parents were out of town. But now everything was different. Everything was wrong.
He watched them and every night he would cry because he wasn't so sure anymore that he really meant anything to Jackson. Because he thought he'd known Jackson, thought he'd known what was going on. But really he knew nothing at all.
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
When it had first started, Stiles had no idea how anything worked. Jackson had pressed him up against the cold tiled wall in the boy's locker room and kissed him. It had been awkward and messy and their teeth had clashed. Stiles hadn't known what to do with the tongue Jackson had thrust into his mouth and the whole thing hadn't been as romantic as they make it seem in the movies. When Jackson had broken away Stiles hadn't known what to say. The jock just kissed him once more, demanded his phone number and threatened to make his life hell if he told anyone. That was his first kiss.
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Lydia had gone missing for three days and it had been the worst three days of his life. Jackson had been so miserable, so withdrawn. It had made Stiles want to throw up everything in his stomach and then a few of his internal organs, that's how much it hurt. Because Jackson wasn't just his anymore, he was Lydia's too and she wasn't just a cover for Jackson's secret life.
What had made him feel even worse was that he couldn't get to Jackson. At school everyone assumed they hated each other. That was the act they put on to throw off suspicion. At school he couldn't say anything so he'd tried afterwards when they were alone only for Jackson to slam the door in his face. That single action had made Stiles feel like Jackson had plunged his hand into Stiles' chest and ripped out his heart. Because Jackson never denied him anything and Stiles tried desperately to not think about how the first time he'd ever done anything on his own terms Jackson had told him to fuck off.
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Stiles watched as Lydia and Jackson walked down the hallway holding hands. She'd returned safely and the epic romance story of the year was still going. No one mentioned the fact that Stiles had actually found her. No one cared. Not even Jackson.
He loved Jackson so much but he couldn't do it anymore. This love was killing him from the inside out and he couldn't do that. His best friend barely knew him; his father didn't trust him and all because Stiles had been stupid enough to think Jackson really cared about him. He couldn't be that person anymore. He needed to move on and get his life back on track. He couldn't be another dead body for his father to bury.
He'd been stupid enough to think that he could have one last moment with Jackson before calling it quits. The rough hands and Jackson's tight grip on his hips had made him want to forget what he'd promised himself. The way Jackson panted into his ear and bit down on his shoulder made him want to never leave. The sensation of Jackson collapsing on top of him, spent and buried to the hilt inside of him made Stiles cry.
Jackson didn't say anything when Stiles said goodbye before leaving even though Stiles usually made a point of never saying anything when he left.
And even though that goodbye should have been the end of it, Stiles had still hoped that Jackson would understand.
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Against his better judgment Stiles had decided to go to prom. He watched Allison and Scott be the most sickening couple in the gym. He watched Danny dance with his date and Lydia sweep into the room with Jackson on her arm like they owned the place.
He wasn't surprised when they were crowned, or that a tear slipped out when he watched them from a corner of the room as they slow danced in the middle of a spot light. He really wasn't surprised when he found himself walking out of the gymnasium and out onto the lacrosse field.
Stiles sat down on the bleachers and cried, staring up at the stars above him in the night sky. He was supposed to be getting over Jackson and his stupid ways. He had promised himself he wouldn't do this anymore. Jackson didn't need him. Jackson had never needed him. All Stiles had been was a warm body, one that stuck around to be abused and used.
What did surprise him, however, was that Jackson was walking across the oval. He stepped down from the bleachers, wiping the tears from his red eyes. His head hurt and he was tired and he wanted to go home. He didn't want Jackson anywhere near him.
"What do you want?" He snaps.
"What are you doing out here Stiles?"
It's the first time Jackson has ever said his first name and it makes Stiles stop for a moment. "I'm out here wallowing in my own fucking misery you prick. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. Why are you out here?"
Jackson won't answer him and Stiles huffs, turning to walk away. Jackson pulls him back and Stiles tries to yank his hand out of the jock's grasp but he can't. His legs tremble and he looks away when Jackson pushes him up against the side of the bleachers.
"Why are you here Jackson? Why? Is this a game for you? Let's see how long it takes stupid naive Stiles to fall in love with the pretty popular boy? Or how about the game where you fuck me for over a year, get yourself a girlfriend and watch and see what happens to the person you've been using for a year?"
"Stiles-"
"No." He snaps, glaring at Jackson, willing himself not to give in to the beautiful face in front of him. "You got to play your stupid games. But I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore."
He pushes Jackson away roughly, almost surprised that the other guy stumbled for a moment. Turning towards the car park he tells himself in his head that he isn't allowed to look back. But then Jackson calls his name and he does because Stiles is weak.
"Give me one reason Jackson."
Say something, I'm giving up on you
It's not until Stiles is about to unlock his car that Jackson makes his move. Stiles had known he was following him but he hadn't said anything and Stiles hadn't acknowledged his presence. But now Jackson was pinning him up against the side of his Jeep, kissing him.
It's deep and needy; Jackson holds Stiles' face in his hands. The kiss is slow and drags on but it's not sexual at all. They break apart and try to calm their breathing, sharing the same air. Jackson rests his forehead against Stiles and wipes away a tear that has fallen from his eye.
"I care about you Stiles."
It's whispered and broken and Stiles doesn't know what to do with that. He'd told Jackson to give him a reason but he wasn't sure that was enough. He couldn't be a secret.
"Prove it. Prove to me Jackson that you do because I won't be your secret. I can't be second best."
Jackson drags Stiles inside the gym where everyone is still dancing and having a good time, completely unaware of what had taken place. Stiles lets himself be dragged into the middle of the dance floor and freezes when Jackson pulls him in close, hands on his waist. People are staring and Stiles wants to hide. Jackson tugs him closer and moved Stiles' arms so they are around his neck. Stiles stares at him as Jackson leans down to kiss him. He closes his eyes he gets lost in the kiss and it's easy to forget everyone is watching them.
When he pulls away from the kiss, catching his breath, Jackson swoops down and plants another one on his lips but this time it's sweet, chaste.
"They're all staring." He whispers and Jackson smiles at him.
Say something...
"You asked me to prove it."