All the Animals in the Zoo…
An Invader Zim Fanfic by KidKourage
Gir Gets in Trouble! But That's Nothing New, Is It?
Whoooooaaaaa yeeeeaaaaah! I've had Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning and I am ready and rarin' to go! I think I might've mentioned this before, but I'll say it again—it rocks to be home again! I shall now taunt you: I'm off for a month and you're not! I'm off for a month and you're not! Na na na na naaa na! OK, that's enough childishness for now. On with the fic, which is of course very mature and not childish. Well…depends on if you're a child at heart, I suppose. Oh, and I don't own IZ or JTHM, though I do own lots of stuff relating to these wonderful products of Jhonen C. Vasquez's genius (read: madness).
Today the gang is visiting the Philadelphia Zoo! Its propaganda—er, I mean informative pamphlets—says it's the oldest zoo in the United States. So when you go into the Rare Animal House and it smells like something died in there back in 1967…you can rest assured that it probably did. This time I think I'm gonna skip the whole 'waiting in line' thing. I mean, KidK's Dad is obsessed with getting places early, and there's not much I can write about standing in one place with a busload of snotty daycare kids for an hour. So…let's just say it's 10:00 AM on a lovely day in August, shall we? Oh, and the gang's all here once again—except 'Nny. He's an unpredictable fellow, eh? May I warn you…this is long. It's as long as 'Wal-Mart (of DOOM),' and that had 6 chapters. But I have a lot to say this time! Ack! KidKourage, shut up and write the lame fic already! Yes, mistress, I shall.
Gir: Yay! They're opening the gates!
Gaz: Fi-nally. The lighting under the ticket booth is all wrong!
Mike-the-Brother: You're telling me…
KidK's Mom: Now, Mike, you know we're not here to play GameBoy all day…
Mike-the-Brother: Aw, man! Does Gaz hafta turn hers off too?
KidK's Dad: Hey, she's not our kid.
Gaz: Yesss! I'm gonna get so far ahead of you in 'Advance Wars' that you won't even be able to recognize the weapons I'll have next time we battle!
Zim: Weapons? Do those game thingies serve as human munitions training?
Gaz: Duh!
KidK's Mom: Oh, there are guns in that game?! Oh, no, young man! You hand that over right now!
Mike-the-Brother: Sheesh…
Meanwhile, Gir is dragging his bestest buddy KidK through the lovely wrought-iron gates of the Philly Zoo.
Gir: I can't wait to meet all the fun ami-nals!
KidK: Yeah, Gir, the zoo is fuuuuun! ^.^
Gir: I wanna see the monkeys an' the lions an' the bears an' the lemurs an' the armadillos an' the—
KidK: Heehee, don't worry, Gir, we'll get to visit them all!
Mike-the-Brother (catching up): Will you ever grow up, KidK?
Dib: Yeah, KidK, aren't you just a little too excited to be here?
KidK (sticking her tongue out): I can like the zoo if I want to!
Zim: So, what is this place?
KidK's Mom: Oh, you don't have zoos where you come from, Zim?
Zim: No, we have military camps.
KidK's Mom: Huh?
KidK: Nothing, Mom. Zim, this is a zoo, a place where humans go to see all kinds of exotic animals up close. It's cool!
Zim: You keep your fellow creatures locked up?
KidK: Well, you annihilate your fellow creatures and conquer their planets…
Zim: Oh, right, yeah. OK.
Dib: I got a map from the stand! So we can check out the best route.
KidK's Dad: We don't need a map! I know exactly where I'm going!
KidK's Mom: Uh oh.
Gir: Lookee! It says 'Rare Ami-nal House.'
Zim (horrified): Rare?! As opposed to well-done?! What do you do to these animals?
Dib: No, Zim, rare like difficult to find, as in not very plentiful.
KidK: This place is good and stinky! ^_^
Mike-the-Brother: Ugh, I forgot about the smell…do we have to go in?
Gir: Stinky? Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Gir speeds off toward the Rare Animal House, which features baboons and lemurs and marmosets and other interesting things. This is one of the older buildings at the Zoo, and is really just a series of enclosures with one plexiglass wall that lets people look in. The walls are a hideous green (as opposed to the cute green of Zimmy or the fabulous green of KidK's car or the impressive green of…Piccolo…*sigh*).
Gaz: Now this place is too dim to see anything. I may as well stop for a while. (she clicks off her GameBoy)
Mike-the-Brother: Gaz, are you feeling all right?
Gaz: I dunno. I think the odor is getting to me.
Zim: What is wrong with the rear ends of those monkey beasts?!
KidK: They're baboons, Zim. That's just what they look like.
Zim: And you humans are descended from these monsters?
Dib: Zim, if you would ever pay attention in class, you'd remember that Miz Bitters taught us about how all humans' bloodlines can be traced back to apes.
Zim: Well, in your case, Dib, I can definitely see the family resemblance.
KidK: Miz Bitters actually taught you guys something?
Dib: Yeah. Of course, then she went on to talk about how Charles Darwin's theory led to the jailing of several innocent teachers who decided not to teach creationism anymore. She said they were tortured! But I think she was lying. You know, for effect.
KidK: Um, Dib? How is it you're so smart, with teachers like that?
Dib: You know…I dunno.
Zim: Dib is not smart, KidK. All he does is bumble around and fail at things.
Dib: Oh, like you don't?
KidK does her best to prevent bloodshed as the boys continue to bicker in the middle of the Rare Animal House. Meanwhile, at the far end of the building…
Gir: Lookee! Vampire bats!
KidK's Dad: No, Gir, those are just fruit bats.
Gir: Do they suck the blood out of pineapples?
KidK's Dad: No, they…(he notices Gir's hopeful gaze)…right, they can suck pineapple blood all day long when they feel like it.
Gir: Nifty! Let's go find the mongooses!
Gir sprints out of the building. Everyone else follows, the thought dawning on all of them that perhaps they should have put Gir on a leash. This is going to be a long day… Just outside:
Zim: Oh my Tallest! What are those giant rats doing here? Can it be that you've conquered Planet Blorch?!
KidK's Mom: Those are kangaroos. They aren't rats, I don't think.
Dib: Nah, they're marsupials.
Zim (sarcastically): Oh, yes, Dib, just make up words to try to confuse me. You will not succeed, I assure you! I know a giant rat when I see one!
KidK: No, Dib's right. They're kangaroos and wallabies from Australia. They've got little pouch things on their bellies that they keep their babies in, so they're classified as marsupials.
Zim: Your planet is just so full of…madness. What kind of stupid place has animals like that?
Gir: I wanna ride in the pouch!
Gir leaps over the metal railing into the 'outback' enclosure, startling a passing emu as he runs to accost a large gray kangaroo with a cute little joey.
Gir: Lemme ride, roo-mommy! (he jumps in the kangaroo's pouch and regards the joey) Hey, I've got a baby brother! Yo, bro! Whassup?
Needless to say, the kangaroo is quite upset with this state of affairs and begins jumping around like it never has before in an attempt to dislodge the green puppy android.
Snotty Daycare Boy: Finally one's actually moving! I thought we were gonna be here all day.
Snotty Daycare Girl: Yeah, the dog-thingy's cute. (screaming at the daycare teacher lady) I want one! I wanna dog thingy now!
Daycare Teacher Melinda: Oh no! Now what shall I do? The children will easily overpower me if I do not give them what they wish!
Zim (yelling): Gir! Get out of there! What are you trying to do, blow our cover?
KidK: Yeah, Gir, you're hurting her…
Gir (looking up at the frantic roo): I am? Awwwww! I'm sorry, mommy…(he pats the joey) Bye bye, little brother!
Gir gets himself out of the kangaroo's pouch and comes back over to the railing, much to the happiness of the snotty daycare kids (have any of you in the Philly area noticed that whenever you go to the zoo, it's field trip day, even in the summer?), who run over and take turns petting Gir.
KidK's Dad (impatient): Well, if we're done appeasing Gir's little fan club, we can move on to the reptile house.
Gaz: Cool. We can see the snakes.
Mike-the-Brother: You like snakes, Gaz?
Gaz: Yeah, they're neat.
KidK: Mike is scared of snakes, aren't you, Mike?
Mike-the-Brother: I am not!
KidK's Mom: Don't tease your brother, Missy. Especially since you're afraid of things in your closet.
KidK: Oh, will you all stop bringing that up?! Ag, can't we just forget about the closet monster? I'm not even afraid of it anymore.
KidK's Dad: Oh, no? How come not?
KidK: Let's just say that I have…protection. (note: see 'High Rollers')
Mike-the-Brother: Whatever. I'm still not scared of snakes, no matter what you say.
KidK: Heehee, we'll see about that, my brother…
They enter the Reptile House, which is even more dimly lit than the Rare Animal House, but which is less smelly. To the right of the entrance is a series of tiny windows to little enclosures built at about eye level.
Zim: Hmmmm…snakes…wasn't that horrible old Bitters human rambling on and on about poison and fangs and stuff the other day?
KidK: Wow, imagine that! Miz Bitters might actually be on to something with her doom-ful teaching method.
Gir: Doom?! I'm gonna sing the 'Doom Song' now! Doom doom doom doom…
Balding Jerk: Can somebody shut that thing up?
Frizzy Haired Tourist: Yeah, keep it down! We're trying to look at the tortoises here!
Gir (distracted now): Ooo, turtles? They have pretty shells.
The group goes over to look at the giant tortoises, which are housed in a huge area to the left of the entrance. They also have the benefit of an outdoor run, but it's so early that they haven't yet made their way out. See, these turtles are really big, and super slow. To try to watch them get somewhere is to go insane. Just wait and see!
Gaz: Are we gonna just stand here and watch these things trudge around? Can't we go find the king cobras or something?
Mike-the-Brother (hurriedly): Oh, but look Gaz! That one's going to make it to the food dish soon! Ahahaha…
Dib: Yeah, but by the time it gets there the food's going to have gone bad. Wait, see? It just fell asleep on the way.
Zim (pounding on the glass): Hey! Shell-beast! Come over here!
KidK's Mom: No, don't! The sign says not to touch the glass!
Zim: But I want the thing to tell me about its tank-armor stuff, so I can make some of my own!
Dib (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, like tortoises can talk.
Zim: Shows how much you know, Dib-monkey. I still have that universal translator, you know.
Dib (incredulous): That can translate animal sounds too?
Zim: Duh! It can translate what you're saying, can't it?
Dib: Imagine what this could mean for mankind! The possibilities are endless!
Gaz: As endless as your inane chatter? Let's go.
Ooo, check out the cool enclosure for the king cobras! It's in the center of the building's next room, and it's got pretty pillars what that look like snakes on the sides! The gang peers through the glass at fanged death, which lies coiled inside.
Gaz: Whoa…
KidK's Mom: It says on the sign that this kind of snake eats other snakes in the wild, but that these zoo-bred ones are taught to eat rats like the other snakes in the collection.
Dib: Does anyone else think it's really not right for people to mess with animals like that?
KidK: Yeah, I mean, if you're not going to raise up proper king cobras, why have them at all?
Gaz: Just yet another example of how humankind oppresses everything around it.
KidK: Gaz, have you been talking to 'Nny?
Gaz: Who? (dismissively) Oh, that guy. No, why should I talk to him?
KidK: Nothing, just wondering is all…
Mike-the-Brother (hiding behind Dad): Can we please just move on?
KidK's Dad: You are scared, aren't you? (pushing Mike up to the glass) Here, face your fear, son!
Mike-the-Brother: Nooooooooooooo!!!
The snake is just lying there, presumably sleeping. Everyone in the area looks at Mike as if he's insane, mostly because he is. He glances around, notices the stares, and promptly bolts from the building.
KidK: Hey, Mike, come back! We haven't seen the vipers and adders yet! Heehee!
Gaz: Aw, man! Just as we were getting to the good part…
Zim (scribbling furiously on a digital notepad): Humans are afraid of scaly, cylindrical reptiles with forked tongues…this may come in handy someday.
Dib: That's not true of all humans, Zim.
Zim: If it's true of even some, the others will follow. You filth monsters are such…following…things.
KidK's Mom: Speaking of which, why don't we follow my son before he gets lost. (to KidK's Dad) You just had to tease him, didn't you?
KidK's Dad (all innocent): I wasn't teasing him! I was trying to help!
KidK: Suuuure, Dad. Gimme five.
The father-daughter duo slaps hands, then everyone follows KidK's Mom out to find Mike. Everyone, that is, except…
Gir: Hello! How are you, lizard man?
Dude With Big Camera: Hey, honey, look! There's a green dog in the cage with the gila monsters!
Gir (poking the agitated gila monster): Would you like a bite of my sammitch?
Gila Monster: Rrrrrrrr…
Gir: Oh, your tummy's growling! You need sammitch for sure!
Dude With Big Camera's Wife: Oh, no! The gila monster's biting the dog!
Gir: Awww, you luv me! ^_^
KidK (coming back to find her pal): Oh, God! Gir, how did you get in there?!
Gir: I don't…know….
KidK: Well, detach yourself from that lizard and come on. We're going to see the elephants now.
Gir: Yay! Ellie-fints!
Gir gets out of the gila monster enclosure in the same way he got in. I don't know how that was, so I can't say. Outside, the elephants await.
Mike-the-Brother: See here? Elephants are so much cooler and…safer than snakes.
Dib: I don't know about that, Mike. It says here that more elephant keepers have been killed on duty than anyone else at any zoo in the country.
Mike-the-Brother (backing away): Eep.
Gaz: Sweet! I wish I could see one of those things on a rampage right now!
KidK's Mom: Well, you just might, dear…here comes Gir to make a spectacle of himself again.
Gir: Hi! Where's the ellie-fint?
Dib (pointing at the very obvious elephant): Um, right there.
Gir: Nawwww! I mean the ellie-fint!
KidK's Dad: That's what that is, Gir.
Gir: Really? I thought an ellie-fint was a kitty with a furry neck!
KidK's Mom: That's a lion, Gir. A lion.
Gir: No, lions are like piggies, right? But with tusks.
Mike-the-Brother: You mean a warthog?
Gir: Warthogs have stripes, silly! Not like piggy at all!
KidK: No, Gir, you're seriously confused.
Mike-the-Brother: What else is new?
Zim (confused as well): So what is this thing here?
KidK: This is an elephant. The 'kitty with a furry neck' is a lion, and the 'piggy but with tusks' is a warthog. The thing with stripes might be a zebra or a tiger or something else entirely, depending on how much Discovery Channel Gir has watched lately.
Zim: And what purpose does this…(air quotes) 'elephant'…serve?
KidK's Mom: Purpose?
Zim: Yes. What is their function in society?
KidK: Well, they aren't native to this continent, so really the only jobs they do here are in the circus industry.
Dib: But in India people use 'em for transportation. It must be fun to ride one of those things…you'd be so…tall…
Mike-the-Brother: Heh, I don't need one!
Dib: Dry up and blow away, Mike.
Mike-the-Brother: Do you want to become elephant chow?
Dib: Right, like elephants are carnivorous all of a sudden.
Gaz: Yeah, Mike! Toss him in! Let's see if these guys have any stampeding left in them!
KidK: Gaz is excited by something other than GameBoy…scary.
Zim (way too enthusiastically): Throw Dib to the elephants! I can conduct a study of his squooshy innards after he is trampled!
KidK's Mom: OK, no. Mike, leave Dib alone.
Gir (yelling at the elephants): Hello, Mister Big! I love you! Want a peanut?
KidK's Dad: I don't think you're supposed to feed them. Man, I remember back in the day when the hippos would come right over to the railing and just open their mouths. People would throw all kinds of junk food in there…*sigh*
Gir: Wow, really? I wanna feed the animals too!
KidK: Dad, you tell that story every time we come here, don't you?
KidK's Dad: I like to remember the good old days. (sarcastically) Before I had kids. (note: He's joking. Daddy loves Mike and me lots.)
Mike-the-Brother: Let's go see the big cats next. We'll see if Dib wants to taunt me when I'm within throwing distance of the tiger moat.
The group begins walking over to the lion/tiger area. There's an outdoor range for each species, which is mostly a grassy island with some rocks surrounded on three sides by a moat and attached on the fourth side to the building.
Dib: The tigers here are so overfed and bored that they don't even swim anymore.
Gaz: Oh, they wouldn't be bored if they had a new friend to play with…
KidK's Mom: For the last time, no tossing each other into animal pens!
KidK's Dad: Yeah, what would your father say if we brought you home mauled by lions or something?
Gaz: Knowing our Dad, he probably wouldn't notice.
Zim: So these animals, unlike the elephants and kangaroos from earlier, are actually dangerous?
KidK: Whoa, yeah. Look at the teeth! (she points at a yawning lion which is basking in the sun) And those claws!
Zim: OK…(he pulls out his notepad) Note to self—make giant cat android to terrorize nearby cities…
KidK: Zimmy, are you up to no good?
Their conversation is interrupted by a loud *splash* from the direction of the tiger enclosure. There are also several screams of alarm.
KidK's Mom: Somehow, I know Gir is behind this.
Gir: Kitties! Wake up! I want to play!
KidK: Oh no! Gir is just so oblivious…and those tigers look interested…
Gir (pulling a ball of yarn out of his head): I have string, kitties! Let's have fun together!
Zim: Gir! What are you doing? Stop fraternizing with the human cat beasts and get over here!
Gir: But they're my friends!
Just then, one of the tigers, which hasn't been this curious in its entire life, gets hold of Gir and begins pawing at the green cloth disguise.
KidK: Gir, friends don't let friends eat them for dinner! C'mere!
Weird Guy With Video Camera: Neat! I need this footage for my breakout film, 'When Zoo Animals Become Ferocious!'
KidK's Mom: And you don't care that someone's getting hurt in the process?
Dib: Gir won't get hurt. He's made of metal.
Zim: Yes! Indestructible metal! Those puny tigers can scratch and bite all they want but—heyGirdon'tfeedthosethings!
Gir (retracting the cupcake he was offering): Why?
Zim: They might follow us home!
Gir: I want them to!
KidK (she has an idea!): Hey, Gir! Do you like ice-cream?
Gir: Yes!
KidK: Would you like some now?
Gir: Yeeeeesssss!
KidK: Well, come on, then, cuz we're going to the Ben & Jerry's in the Children's Petting Zoo next.
Gir: OK!
Gir uses his cool rocket jets to return to the pavement, which is full of gawking spectators eager to get the robot's autograph.
Kid With Backwards Hat: Wow, man! Dat was coo, surviving a tiger attack!
Girl With Pigtails: Yeah! Can you sign my journal? It's my most treasured possession.
Zim: No he can't sign anything of yours! He's mine! And we have things to do! So…be gone with you! Or face my wrath!
Annoyed Soccer Mom: You're setting a bad example for the children with an attitude like that.
Impressionably Stupid Boy: Heehee, Julie! Face my wrath! (he begins to beat his little sister over the head with a cheetah toy)
Julie: Waaah! Mommy! Jared's making me face his wrath!
KidK: Let's leave quickly and quietly, shall we?
Dib: Sounds like a plan to me…
Our heroes sneak away from the crowd and walk toward the Children's Petting Zoo, a part of the zoo which used to be much much cooler than it is now. According to da 'rents, there was a baby elephant in there 'back in the day,' and back in my day there were seals. Now there are rabbits that are probably abandoned pets and a pool full of ducks. But the farm animals are the same as always…
Gir: I'm gonna sing the 'Sheep Song' now! Baa baa baaaaaaaaaaa! Baa baaaaaaa baa! Baa baa baa baa baa baabaa baaaaaaaa!
Gaz (back to playing her game): Arg, will you please stop that?
Gir: Suuuuure, pretty Gazzy! I'll sing the 'Chicken Song' instead! Cluck cluck clucky cluck!
Gaz: …………………Stop it!
KidK (a plan to keep Gir from inciting Gaz's wrath…): Gir, come look at the ducklings!
Gir: OK! Quack quack quack quackquack quacky quack! (plan failed)
Tiny Girl Child: Mommy! Can we feed the goats now?
Nasty Mommy: No, we most certainly cannot! They're dirty!
Tiny Girl Child: But Mommyyyyyyyyyy!
Zim: Why are small humans fascinated by apparently brainless beasts chewing things?
Dib (a plan to freak Zim out…): Oh, they're not brainless, Zim. Goats and sheep are some of Earth's most intelligent animals. You see that group of them over there? Probably plotting to put an end to your filthy evil right now as we speak! They're miiiiighty clever, those sheep are…
Zim: KidK! Is this true?
KidK (playing along): Oh, um…yeahhhhh…goats are very bad and sinister, boy oh boy. Yup, it's very likely that they knew you were coming today, in fact…because…they can read minds! Yeah, they're super mind reading sheep and goats!
Zim: We'll see about that…
Zim marches purposefully over to the mob of sheep and goats, who are indeed standing closer together than is necessary given the fact that the pen is the size of Delaware.
Dib: Oh, that was a good one, KidK.
KidK: It's fun to scare Zimmy sometimes…he's all cute when he's freaked out. ^_^
Dib: Not going there.
Meanwhile, Zim is attempting to use his universal translator to discover what the herd is planning.
Zim (reading the translator): 'Pellets?' 'More pellets?' 'I like the pellets?!' This is not a plot to overthrow me! This is…insipid.
The massive herd of sheep and goats looks quite blankly at Zim, and one sheep begins absentmindedly chewing on his boot.
Zim: Aaaaaah! Madness! Get off of me you stupid fluff monster! Nooooo! Those are standard issue Invader equipment! You do not know the power with which you meddle! (plan succeeded!)
The sheep is joined by a goat, which has decided that Zim's shirt looks tasty. Zim is in full outrage-mode now, and—trying to release the animals' grips the whole time—pulls out one of his ever-present laser guns.
Zim: Your mind-melting powers may work on lesser beings such as the Dib-monkey, but you can never stop Zim! Now you shall become…all…charred and crispy-like!
KidK (running over): Hey, no, Zim! The zookeepers would probably get mad if you reduced their herd of sheep to mutton. Dib and I were just foolin' with ya with what we said earlier.
Zim (shocked): ……………….*sigh* Et tu, KidK?
Dib: Hey, how come you know that quote?
Zim: Well, unlike some people I know…*coughyoustupidmoroncough*…I watch the History Channel.
While Zim and Dib renew their perpetual argument, let's see what the rest of the group is doing, shall we?
KidK's Mom: I remember when they—
KidK's Dad: --used to have a baby elephant here… (ah, so in synch…)
Gir: Oooo, really? Where'd it go?
KidK's Dad: I think it died.
Gir (eyes filling with tears): …Noooooo! Not my ellie-fint! Waaaah!
KidK's Mom (elbowing her husband): Oh, no, Gir, he didn't mean it died. Right, honey?
KidK's Dad: Er, yeah. It didn't die. It got taken to…a nice farm…right. A nice elephant farm where elephants can run around happily.
Gaz (surrounded by sheep): Ugh, will you please get away from me?! I'll get a 'B' rank on this mission if I don't execute it absolutely perfectly!
Mike-the-Brother: Shoo, shoo! Get away, you stupid sheep! No, don't eat that! It's in mint condition!
One of the sheep has gingerly plucked Mike-the-Brother's GameBoy from his pocket and is gnawing on it. Mike does his best to retrieve it, but it's got all sheep-bite marks on it now.
Gaz: Ahahahaha! Your GameBoy Advance stayed brand new for how long, Mike? Two weeks? Hey, stop it! Retarded sheep!
The sheep have now taken an interest in Gaz's GameBoy too. Needless to say, she is mighty peeved at this turn of events.
Gaz (teeth clenched): Get…off…my…GameBoy Advance!
Somehow the sheep, though they of course don't understand human speech, fully comprehend the danger they will be in should they continue to graze on Gaz's property. The herd moves on…well…sheepishly.
KidK (passing by Gaz and Mike): Come on, guys! We're gonna get that ice-cream now! (yelling) Hey! Mom an' Dad an' Gir! Can we get our ice-cream?
KidK's Mom (yelling back): Missy, it's impolite to shout in a public place!
KidK (still yelling): But you're shouting!
KidK's Mom: That's different! I'm the mother! (one of her catchphrases) Now how about that ice-cream?
They go over to the nearby Ben & Jerry's ice-cream store which was installed recently to provide foodular assistance to weary parents whose kids are really too young to appreciate the zoo.
Tiny Girl Child (same one as before): Mommy, I want Phish Food!
Nasty Mommy: Now you know you aren't allowed to have too many sweets! (to the vendor) She'll just have a small dish of vanilla, please.
Vendor Akbar: So sorry, we don't have plain vanilla at Ben & Jerry's. You should try one of our wackily rhyming flavors such as Wavy Gravy or Chubby Hubby. Or perhaps you would like some KaBerry KaBoom?
Nasty Mommy: Well if they don't have vanilla you can't have any, Danielle.
Danielle (it's nice to give people names): But Mommy, I'm hungry!
Nasty Mommy: You can just be content with this lovely trail mix I've packed. See, it has lovely hard, stale pretzels!
Vendor Akbar: Thank you, come again! (to KidK's Mom) May I help you?
KidK's Mom: We'll have…guys, come on and pick.
KidK's Dad: Concession Obsession.
Mike-the-Brother: Strawberries Naturally All Fudged Up! I love that name…
Gaz: Aloha Macadamia.
Zim: What kind of flavors are these?!
KidK's Mom: Good ones. Now just pick.
Zim: Um….I don't know what it means by 'Bovinity Divinity,' but if it has the word 'divine' in it, it must be at least decent.
KidK's Mom: OK. (she turns to KidK, Dib, and Gir, who are snickering about something) What do you three want?
KidK: Um…*giggle*…well…*snort*…you say it, Dib!
Dib: I…*chuckle*…I can't…you do it, Gir.
Gir: Mommy! It's Festivus for the rest of us!
KidK and Dib (they can't control themselves): Wahahahahaaaaaaaaa!
Gir (can Gir ever control himself?): Eeeeheeheeheeheeee!
Everyone Else: ……………………………………….
KidK's Mom: Now, is that what you really want, or are you just messing around?
KidK (calming down): Ohhhh…I guess we really want it.
Dib: Yeah, it's got gingerbread guys in it.
KidK's Mom (to Akbar): So, did you get all that?
Vendor Akbar: Yes, I will bring your ice-cream right away.
Gaz: Wow, for once we get good service.
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah, Akbar rocks da house!
KidK: Yeah, well, you just wait to see the price…
KidK's Dad: Don't worry about it. Since we have the family plan thingy for the zoo, we got in for free today, so it's OK to get ice-cream.
KidK: Well, in that case…excuse me, Mr. Akbar?
Vendor Akbar (he ruuuules!): Yes, miss?
KidK: Do ya'll sell pints here?
Vendor Akbar: Yes, we have many flavors in the case back here.
KidK: Got Cherry Garcia?
Vendor Akbar: Let me see…yes.
KidK: Can I get a pint of that to go, then?
Vendor Akbar: Of course, miss. And here is the rest of your ice-cream as well. You total comes to…(you don't even wanna know)
KidK's Mom: What?! Oh, alright…
KidK's Mom pays, and they all go walking away from the stand happily devouring their oddly named dairy treats. It's a really good thing that KidK's Mom always brings a cooler full of little 'half-pint' bottled waters to the zoo (so her family doesn't get dehydrated), because now KidK has a place to stow her pint of ice-cream.
Dib: Hey, KidK, what's that for, anyway? I mean, it's not like you're always scarfing junk food or anything.
KidK (sounding a little embarrassed): Oh…it's for…later. Yeah, that's right, it's for later.
Gir: Izzit for me later?!
KidK: Depends on how late you stay up…or if he even comes tonight. (she slaps her hand over her mouth) Ooops, what did I say?
KidK's Dad (suspiciously): If who comes tonight?
KidK: What? Oh, that's not what I meant…I meant if…oh, you know I don't know what I'm saying half the time! Ahahaha…^_^*
Mike-the-Brother: Heh heh, I'll bet I know what she means…
KidK: You just keep quiet, Mike. Or I'll feed you to the snow leopards in Carnivore Kingdom!
KidK's Mom: Now what did I say about not doing things like that?
Dib: Aw, but Mike needs to be bitten down to size!
Gaz: Shut up, Dib.
Zim: Yes, Dib-monkey. If anyone's getting eaten by anything today it will be you!
KidK's Mom: Can we all just concentrate on our ice-cream here?
KidK's Dad: Who wants to try my Concession Obsession? (it's a tradition when we get Ben & Jerry's that we all share at least a bite ^_^)
Mike-the-Brother: I'll have it! Itadekimasu!
Dib: You and your Japanese…
Gir: Arigato, oto-san!
Zim (horrified): There are chocolate cows in this!
Gir: Really? I want some!
KidK's Dad: I wonder how long it'll be before those weirdos make beef flavored ice-cream…
KidK (thinking): Thank the weasel god for everyone's short attention spans…that was a close one.
Gaz: Look, there's the Carnivore Kingdom entrance. I hope it's as good as it sounds.
Mike-the-Brother: Do you enjoy jaguars that don't move barely at all?
Gaz: No…oh, is that all there is?!
Mike-the-Brother: No, there's red pandas too. (pointing) See 'em?
KidK: They're cute! Look! Aw, what a face!
Gaz: Does something like that really count as a carnivore?
Zim: Perhaps it is hiding its true strength?
Dib: Yeah, it's really a hyper-powered mech panda!
Zim: Do you really think I'm going to fall for that again? Do not measure my intelligence on the same scale as your own!
Dib: I don't. Yours is too low to be seen on my scale.
Zim: That's not…I…augh, I hate you Dib-monkey!
KidK: You walked right into that one, Zimmy.
Zim: Why are you picking on me today?
KidK: Aw, it's just a little fun…don't be mad, I don't mean anything by it.
Gaz: Whoa, feeding time for the leopard! Is that a whole deer? Wicked!
KidK's Mom: Ew, don't look at that! Why do they do that when there's people watching?
KidK's Dad: Because most people aren't squeamish like you, dear. Oh, ugh, blood!
KidK's Mom: Now who's squeamish?
Gir (farther down the exhibit reading a sign): Ri-ver ott-ers…otters are fun! Remember on Little Bear? Heehee, balloon heads! (over the summer I watch Nice Jr. cuz there's nothing else on. This is a quote from Little Bear)
KidK: Yeah, otters rock! Lookit 'em swim!
Gir and KidK: Heeheeheeheeheeeee! Cuties!
Mike-the-Brother: My sister the idiot.
Zim: Um…KidK, I think the otters are making fun of your glasses! Yeah, it's right here on the translator! They're really laughing it up for sure!
KidK: Gimme that. (she snatches the translator) Says here 'Fish fish fish.' Are you attempting to trick the master trickster?
Zim (uh oh, he's angry now): I will have my revenge for your cruelty, mark my words…
KidK: Cruelty? It was just a sheep!
Zim: Nevertheless…you will pay.
KidK (raising an eyebrow): Oh, really? We'll see…
KidK's Dad: You know what? In all the excitement at the tiger area, we totally missed the monkey house! And that's the best part of the whole zoo!
Gir: Right! I want to see the little monkeys…
Dib: I heard they rebuilt the whole thing after the fire a couple years ago.
KidK: Yeah, it's really awesome now! So incredibly better than before.
KidK's Dad: The gorilla run is really great, and the orangutan enclosure is made entirely of that plexiglass stuff so no matter where those apes are hiding or sleeping or whatever, you can at least see 'em. I like monkeys. (he doesn't even realize he's quoting 'Nny here)
Gir (Super Mario impersonation): Lets-a go! Woo!
How could we have forgotten the Peco Primate Reserve? It's so awesome! And since it's all new, the animals aren't bored with their surroundings yet. So they actually play and eat and walk around and stuff! Really cool. If you live nearby to Philly and have never been to the zoo, go just for the Primate Reserve. Hijack your parents' car and go!
Gir: Look look look! The cute monkeys are right here waiting for us!
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah, it really seems like they can see us.
KidK's Mom: I remember back in the day when the gorillas used to—
KidK's Dad: --be behind a railing like 6 miles away from visitors.
KidK: Yeah, now we can get close enough to touch 'em! Well, if there wasn't any glass anyway.
Zim: Hey, Dib, look! It's your great great grandmother! So to speak.
Dib: You're just gonna dwell on that, aren't you? Anyway, if you're so (air quotes) 'normal,' why wouldn't you be descended from apes too? Someday, when I prove to the world that you're an alien, maybe they won't autopsy you after all. Maybe they'll put you in the zoo!
Zim (picturing this): Huh. No cage can hold me!
KidK: Heehee, you're unstoppable, Zimmy! ^_^
Zim: I see that you're improving your attitude, KidK. But your compliments now will not save you from my wrath!
KidK (eye roll): Suuuuure…
Gaz: Hey, the little ones are fighting!
Gir: Nah, they're just playin'!
Gaz: I can tell a power struggle when I see one.
Gorilla Keeper AnneMarie: Actually, dear, they are just playing. The younger gorillas like to pretend to fight, but they never really hurt each other.
Gaz: Did I ask you?
Gir: Play with me, Gazzy! (he jumps on Gaz and knocks her over)
Gaz: Gir, you moron! Get off me right now!
Gir: Awww, but I wanna be like the monkeys…
Gorilla Keeper AnneMarie: They're really apes, you know. And why is that dog green…and able to speak?
Zim: None of your business, monkey-mistress!
Dib: Yeah, what makes you think you know everything?
Gorilla Keeper AnneMarie (indignantly): Because I've worked with these gorillas for years!
KidK: They haven't even been here for one year yet!
Gorilla Keeper AnneMarie: Oh. Yes, I suppose…(it's hard for her to say this)…you're…right. (she slinks away embarrassed)
KidK's Dad: Is Chaka still here?
KidK's Mom: Yes, he's the silverback of the troupe.
Dib: Chaka?
KidK's Dad: Yeah, they brought him in from Cincinnati for the new exhibit. For some reason he's famous and popular.
Gir: Chaka foreveeeeeeeer!
KidK: Gir, do you even know what Chaka is?
Gir: No. But I like that word! Chakaaaaaaaa!
KidK: Silly, silly Gir…wanna go see the orangutans?
Gir: Yeah!
KidK: Then let's go inside!
Dib: This really is better than last time I was here. Of course, that was like five years ago and I don't remember it much…
Gaz: Hey, I guess you really did get amnesia after I pushed you off the top of the dinosaur statue in the Tree House! Cool! (note: the Tree House is another area of the zoo that's meant for kids. It has stuff the little ones can climb on to waste up their energy)
Zim: These monkey beasts are red. Why?
KidK: It's just evolution. You may as well ask why the sky's blue.
Zim: Well, actually, now that you mention it…
Gir: I know!
KidK: You know what, Gir?
Gir: Why the monkeys are red!
KidK (playing along): And why is that?
Gir: Cuz they're…(he reads the sign laboriously)…orange…oootans. Orange, get it?
Dib: Actually, it's pronounced like 'orang.' Not like 'orange.' No e, see?
KidK's Mom: But it was a creative theory anyway, considering Gir's intelligence level.
Gir: Whee! Lookit her swing!
KidK: Yeah, I luv the cute Librarians…
Dib: Should I even ask?
KidK: Sure, you can ask! ^_^
Dib: OK, then, what do you mean by 'Librarians?'
KidK: Like from Terry Pratchett's 'Discworld' series! The Librarian at Unseen University for wizards is an orangutan! He's a sweetie.
Dib: 'Discworld?'
KidK: Oh, it's too complicated to explain it all now! And it'd be more fun for you to find out for yourself anyway. Just read a Pratchett novel and find out! You won't regret it, I promise. (do as KidK says! Do it…hee, now I'm trying to spread my other obsession…)
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah, Dib, but try to start from the beginning or you'll get all confused like I did when I read Lords and Ladies as my first book. (see? I've already spread the disease to one other person!)
KidK's Dad: OK, who's seen all they have to see here?
Gaz: Me!
Mike-the-Brother: Me too!
Dib: I guess me.
Gir and KidK: Awwwww! Do we hafta go?
Zim: Yes, I have yet to wreak my terrible revenge on KidK…
KidK's Mom: Well, that decides it. We're going home now…but first I need postcards.
So the octet of zoogoers walks to the cheesy gift shop, where KidK's Mom purchases many more postcards than are strictly needed, and KidK buys Gir a koala stuffed animal. But then it's time to walk through the wrought-iron revolving…gate…thingy and go home.
Gir: Aw, maaaaan!
KidK: Don't worry, Gir, I'm sure we can come back sometime!
Gir: You think so?
KidK: Of course! I'll drive us myself if I have to.
KidK's Dad: Oh, no. No way you're driving to Philly by yourself.
KidK: Busted…well, who's coming in my car?
Gir: Me! I am! Whee! And Mister Perkins is coming too!
Dib: Mister Perkins?
KidK: I think he means the koala.
Dib: Oh. What kindofa name is Mister Perkins?!
Gaz: I'll go with Mike in the Camry this time, I think. We're behind on our battles, and anyway I'm sick of Dib's voice for today.
Mike-the-Brother: Coolsville!
Gaz: ……………………okaaaaaaay…
KidK's Dad: Well, that fills our car, so Dib and Zim go with Missy as usual.
Dib and Zim: Shotgun!
KidK's Mom (walking away to the Camry): No fighting!
KidK: Hey, Zim, you still plotting vengeance?
Zim: But of course! I can't wait to see the look on your face…oh, it will be good…
KidK: OK, so Dib gets shotgun then.
Zim: What?!
KidK: Zat's what you get for turning against me.
Zim: But you turned against me first!
Dib: Hey, don't argue. You know, if you sit in the back you can work on your plan without her knowing.
Zim: Right…yes! I shall sit in the back seat and…make faces at you behind your backs! Bwahahahahaaaaa!
Dib: Er, yeah.
They get into the car and KidK pulls out of the parking lot behind her Dad. Gir then asks the ten million dollar question:
Gir: What music can we listen to?
KidK: Well, whaddaya want, Gir?
Gir: I'm thinkin'…All-Japanese!
KidK: You got it, kid!
Dib: You guys aren't going to sing along, are you?
KidK: But of course!
Dib: Not fair! You guys can sing in three languages…
KidK: Well, when it comes to Gir the language count is probably closer to like thirty.
Zim: Oh, that's nothing compared to what I know. I was trained in two hundred different tongues!
KidK: Cool! Well, maybe you can learn Japanese and teach it to me, then! All I can do is memorize songs, ya know.
Gir: Oooo, check it out! They're playing the end theme from 'Tenchi in Tokyo!' (Listen to it! http://www.danime.com/music.html)
KidK (cranking up the volume): Woooooo!
KidK and Gir: Yamerarenai yamerarenai! Shinde mo bakete mo umarekawate mo! (I luv this tune so much!)
Dib: *sigh*
Zim: Can you fools keep it down?! I'm plotting evil back here!
Gir (grabbing Zim): Come on and sing, Master!
Zim: No!
And so a fun time was had by all…I mean two. After about an hour's drive, the two cars reach the Membrane house and Dib and Gaz are dropped off.
Gaz: Mike! Next time we meet you'd better have more tanks or I'm not even gonna bother!
Mike-the-Brother: Next time we meet my tanks will whoop your tanks! (The two game-crazies share a smile--awwwww! ^_^)
Gaz: Dib, get your butt in the house and order us a pizza!
Dib: Um, no?
Gaz: Don't make me hurt you.
KidK: Byebye, Dibby! See ya, Gaz! Thanks for spendin' the day with us!
Dib: Sure.
Gaz: Yeah, it was fun. DibgocallBloaty's!
Dib: Whatever.
What a heartwarming farewell. Now the cars go back to Home Base and everyone gets out. KidK's Mom starts up dinner (chicken cacciatore! I luv detail, don't you?)
Gir: Let's go to my room, Mister Perkins! Wait…I don't have a room. Let's go to Mikey's room, Mister Perkins!
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, no you don't! Go play in the livingroom.
KidK's Dad: But I'm gonna be watching football and Gir'll just yell over all the calls!
KidK: Gir, you can be with me in my room if you want. Oh, and by the way, Zim, I'm locking the door so's you can't come and get me or anything.
Zim: Oh, you needn't do that now, KidK. I have already carried out my plan of doom for you.
KidK: Um, what was it?
Zim: You'll find out…later…muhahahahaaaaaaa! (uh oh)
And with that, Zim dramatically exits to the lab. The household goes about its business and finally it's time for bed. Of course, Gir wore himself out hours ago after running through the house a bajillion times waving Mister Perkins around. He's currently conked out amongst KidK's pile o' stuffed animals. She decides not to disturb him and just goes to bed after saying goodnight to her family and Zim, who assures her once more that his revenge is indeed complete. KidK doesn't fall asleep too easily (I'm an insomniac, remember?) and so she's still awake when her nighttime visitor finally makes his appearance.
KidK (keeping her voice down): Yo, 'Nny-kun. What's up?
'Nny: Nothin' much. Just your average day full of torment.
KidK: Aw, that's too bad. We all went to the Philly Zoo.
'Nny: Ooo, the one with the monkeys? I like monkeys. (now, is 'Nny quoting KidK's Dad or himself here?)
KidK: Yeah, it was cool. Well, apart from the snotty, sugar-high kids anyway. And speaking of sugar…I got somethin' for ya.
'Nny: Oh, you shouldn't have. I don't deserve your gifts. (he tries to look all aloof but then his curiosity takes over) What is it?
KidK (glee!): Cherry Garcia ice-cream!
'Nny: Really? That's my favorite! *squeeee!*
KidK (rummaging around in her closet): Now where did I put that…it should be here somewhere.
KidK's questing fingers brush the cooler that's keeping the ice-cream cold. She figured it was the only way to hide it in her room.
KidK: Here we go. (she opens the cooler, and her jaw drops) What?! Whazzis? (she pulls out a piece of stationary with the Irken logo and reads out loud) 'I told you I'd pay you back. Love—no, not really—Zim.' Why that little scoundrel…
'Nny: No ice-cream then? Where's the green kid's room? I'll go get it…
KidK: Nah, you'd hafta get past my Dad, and that would be tricky. Sorry.
'Nny: No problem. I'll get a brainfreezy from the 7-11 on the way home.
KidK: We'll have it some other day, I promise. I'm pretty sure Zim won't have destroyed it. He knows not to mess with me too much or I'll tickle him to death.
'Nny: You guys are good friends, eh?
KidK: The best! Though sometimes we don't act like it…especially Zim.
'Nny (pensively): Well, they do say you hurt the one you love…hey, that must mean a lot of people love me! (all angsty again) Well, that just proves clichés are nonsense.
KidK: Yeah, it's amazing what people will say to convince themselves to be happy. (thinking) Ye gods, did I just say that? Hmmm, 'Nny-kun's philosophical-ness is wearing off on me…
'Nny: Happy…yes…that reminds me. I actually have a gift for you, too.
KidK: Aw, now I feel really bad that I can't give you the ice-cream…
'Nny: Don't worry about it. Um…where'd it go…ah, here it is.
'Nny proffers a slightly bent, but still bright red, long-stemmed rose of the variety that you can buy a dozen of at gas stations. KidK takes it reverently, speechless.
'Nny (looking down shyly): I got it at the Getty station near the PathMark.
KidK: Wow…I don't know what to say…thank you.
'Nny: Hee, you're all pretty red. Sorry it got a bit crooked, but it's been in my pocket since this afternoon. And the guy selling them told me it was fresh-cut, but he lied because he was a bad person.
KidK: Oh, no, it's beautiful! Now I just hafta think where I can keep it…how 'bout in my blue vase? It's full of origami stars (Korean-style origami is fuuuun), but there should be room. There!
'Nny: So…are you happy?
KidK: Why, yes! Of course!
'Nny: Good. Then my mission is complete. I'll leave you to your positive emotion. Have fun!
KidK: Byebye! We'll have that ice-cream next time you come over, OK?
'Nny: You got it. (he goes to the window to exit, but then turns around for a final comment) Oh, and…don't try to get gas at the Getty station. It's not there anymore.
KidK (euphoria shattered): O_o …………….OK…
'Nny: See ya later, Missy.
He leaves, and KidK shuts the window with a bang. This startles a certain android into wakefulness.
Gir: Missy! What happened?
KidK: Nothin', Gir. Zim stole the ice-cream, so you didn't miss it.
Gir: But where's Johnneeeee?
KidK: He's gone…to wherever it is he goes.
Gir: Aw, man! I luv him! He's so funny.
KidK (absently): Right.
Gir: Can I stay here tonight? Master'll be mad if I wake him up now.
KidK: Of course you can! Wanna stay with my furry friends down there?
Gir: Yeah! Mister Perkins made lotsa new friends today!
KidK: Cool. Well, G'night.
Gir: G'night, Missy!
The next day, KidK has some choice words for her bestest pal Zim:
KidK: Zim, where is my ice-cream?
Zim: Wouldn't you like to know?
KidK (exasperated): Yes! I needed that!
Zim: Why?
KidK (how to explain?): Er…because I was hungry!
Gir: And so was Johnny!
Zim: What?!
KidK (smug): Huh. Wouldn't you like to know…
The End!
Wow, that was long. But it's all good, right? KidK has so many nice friends, wouldn't you say? Too bad summer's almost over…but that's another story for another time!