Zosha. She's my older sister. Recently she has gone off the rails slightly, and my dad wants me to give her a bit of a reality check. For some reason, he thinks she will listen to me. My mum died of cancer, and Zosh finding out that dad deliberately didn't tell her, sent her off the rails. I understood why he did it, because Zosha was sitting her finals at university, but I think she should have had the chance to say goodbye. I miss my mum loads, but it's worse for Zosh, at least I got the chance to say goodbye. That's what drove a wedge between me and my sister. It was there for a long time. She was always Mummy' s little girl and I was Daddy's. Now we're both Daddy's.
I suffer with depression. That's the only real leverage I had when it came to this reality check with Zosh. Last year was the worst, I was self harming and tried to commit suicide. It was Zosha who found me and saved my life. I always end up indebted to my sister somehow, but on that occasion, I can't say I minded. My fear is that Zosh has now headed that way, with the overdose. Daddy doesn't know about that, I think he should know, but I'm not telling him, I think my sister would literally kill me. Zosha had to do a drugs test at work, and by some miracle she passed. I reckon Aunty Collette switched the blood samples...but that's my theory.
Anyway, when I woke up this morning, Zosha was curled around me protectively, so I must have got through to her yesterday.
Zosha was down in the wet lab, working on some theory of hers. I had no where to go after school, so I got the bus to my dad's work. He did offer to collect me, but I know his work is really important. I got up to dad's office and dumped my stuff, I called Zosha, and she answered on the 3rd ring. I found out where she was and told her I was bringing food. I grabbed a couple of muffins from the cafeteria and went down. I entered the lab and shut the door behind me. There was used paper everywhere. I could barely see the floor. The only bit that wasn't covered was where Zosha was sat cross legged in the middle of the floor.
"Zosha" I said. No response. "Zosh." I said again, a little louder. Still no response. "Zoshie" I said even louder. I knew I was being ignored. "ZOSHA ALEXANDRA MARCH!" I yelled, bluntly. This time she didn't ignore me. "What?" She moaned, shooting me an evil look. Something had to change. It never used to be this hard to talk to my sister. "We need to talk" I say, sitting down opposite her. "What about?" She replied. "What do you think?" I mutter, already getting agitated. "Oh that's low." She said. "Dad, sending you to do his dirty work for him" she adds. "I know about everything." I said, things were about to get ugly. "You know nothing!" Zosha yelled. She stood up, scattering the papers that were on her lap. I gave her a second to calm down before I continued.
"I know about the overdose, and I know about the drugs" I said. I held up the packet of cocaine I had pinched off her desk. Zosha glared at me, not knowing what to say. "Was it deliberate?!" I say, asking about the overdose. I needed to know. She didn't answer my question. "WAS IT DELIBERATE?" I repeats, using the tone Mum used to use on us as children. It cracked her. "Yes! I did it on purpose! Happy now? You've got a seriously fucked up sister!" She screamed at me heading for the door. I jumped up and got to the door just before she did, blocking her exit. "Yes I do. But I've only got one sister." I say, trying to push buttons to make her realise someone cares. I am not proud of what I said next, but I think it worked.
"3rd May." I said. "My birthday?" Zosha questions, sounding unsure. "3rd May 2013." I say, my voice breaking slightly. "The day I walked in and found you hanging from the ceiling." Zosha muttered. I didn't know how to respond to that. "Oh, Happy birthday sis! My gift; finding my sister hanging, and spending 10 minutes reviving her!" She yelled at me. It was true. "I am terrified." I started, someone had to say this. "Tell me something I don't know" Zosha mocked, referring to various phobia's I suffer from. "I am terrified of you." I add. "I'm shaking on the spot." Zosha said, practically spitting out her words. "I'm terrified of waking up one morning, and having a phone call or a knock at the door, saying that your dead. I'm terrified of finding you, the way you found me. I've already lost the girl I grew up with, I don't want to loose my sister completely." I say, choking back tears. I run from the lab, as fast as I can. Zosha didn't follow me, but I'm glad she didn't.
I managed to compose myself enough to walk onto AAU and found Collette. She dragged me into Serena' s office and asked me what was wrong, but before I could talk I completely broke down in tears. "I tried to help" I sob. "Help what?" Collette asked cuddling me into her chest. "Daddy. He wanted me to give Zosh a bit of a reality check, and I did and now I think she hates me." I blurt out very quickly. "Your just a young girl, guy should have never asked you to do that and you know what your sister is like, she will calm down." Collette says into my forehead, kissing it when she finished her sentence. "But..." I mumble into her chest. I knew she was right, and so did she. "Ssshh" Collette whispers, rubbing my back. I let her cuddle me for another minute or so. I glanced at the clock, dad would be wondering where I was, its a nearly home time.
"I should get back to dad, and tell him the good news" I mutter. "Just tell him you did the best you could. He will understand." Collette reassured me. I take a couple of deep breaths before leaving the office. I slowly make my way back up to dad's office. I open the door and to my surprise Zosha was in his office. She wasn't happy, but she was there. As soon as she saw me though, she stormed out the room like the stroppy kid she was. "I'll be in the car!" Zosha yells, slamming the door behind her.
"Thank you darling" Dad says, smiling at me. "What for?" I ask, slightly confused. "Whatever you said to Zosha, seems to have worked." He said. I went with it. I grabbed My bag and trapsed through the hospital and to the car.
The car journey on the way home was really awkward. Dad had all his paperwork on the front seat so Zosh had to sit by me in the back. She kept giving me the death stare.
"It's going to thunder tonight darling." Dad told me getting out of the car. I heard Zosha laugh, in her cruel laugh. I was scared of thunder, and I used to climb into her bed over night as a kid, but I couldn't do that anymore. I rolled my eyes at her.
We went in the house. As soon as dad locked the front door the rain came down straight. Zosha and I went and put our pyjamas on and came back downstairs. We all watched TV together and Dad went to bed about 10:30, I followed with in seconds. I heard Zosh come up a couple of minutes after. The first lot of thunder rolled in overhead, followed by a flash of lightening. I ignored it and got into bed. I put my iPod on the dock so I could see the time all night and got comfy in bed. The second lot of thunder rolled in followed by more lightening. This happened for about 5 minutes, the thunder getting closer and closer until it was right above us. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I was terrified. That's when the power went out.
Everything was silent. Then the roar of more thunder. Then silence. It was pitch black in my room. I heard something at the door, I panicked. I saw my door open, and I realised it was Zosha. She came in my room and closed the door behind her. She came behind me and climbed in my bed and got as close to me as humanly possible.
"Ssshh" she whispered, wiping the tears from my face over my shoulder. She was behind me, I was curled up and she was curled into me with her arms around My waist and her head just above mine. I slowly began to feel safer.
The loudest roar of thunder yet came in overhead and I jumped. I let out a sob and rolled over into Zosha. She pulled the covers tight around us both and rubbed my back to calm me down while I nestled into her warmth. I had misses the smell of her hair so much.
"You're not th only one who's not keen on thunder." She whispered to me. That's the last thing I remember before eventually falling asleep. This morning I woke up, and Zosha was still asleep, still holding me close. Maybe dad was right, maybe I had got though to her...