Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Company belong to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I am just a poor college student, don't sue me, please.
Teddy and the Potters: The Oneshot
On a fine day with no particular significance, the Old Order of the Phoenix members were lounging about in the afterlife, watching what they called their favourite soap opera: the happenings of the loved ones who were living down below them.
"Teddy, now that little Dora's walking, I wanted to talk to you about something." James approached Teddy, who was in midst of finishing inventory for George Weasley, James's uncle, by whom they were both employed.
"Sure mate, what's up?" Teddy looked up at the boy. Even though he was nineteen, Teddy still thought of James as the annoying brat who always pestered him as a child.
"Remember when me and Albus set up that Hogwarts talent show and won the lot? And you told us that when we both finished school you'd sign on for lead vocals and Hugo could play drums? Well. Hugo's finished with school next week, and he's up for it. Albus is taking a year off before he starts Auror training."
"For heavens sake, a rock band, really? If those were my grandchildren, they'd all be working at the ministry or doing important research," one greasy haired, hooked-nosed Potions-master named Severus Snape thought to himself. The rest of the Order were out for a stroll on cloud 9, but Severus was secretly enjoying watching Lily Evans' grandchildren.
He stopped as he gave Teddy the trademark Potter pouty lip.
Teddy sat back in his chair, thinking seriously on the proposition. "Gran pulled out some of Dad's old stuff the other day. You know that's how they got their name 'Mauraders'…that was the name of their old band. They might have been famous if all that with Voldemort had never happened…"
"Their old stuff's still around? What did Potter do, make a whole bloody shrine devoted to anything they ever touched? Good thing Potter and Black aren't around to see this. Never would hear the end of it…"
" End of what, Snivelly? Can't you find anything better to than spy on my grandchildren? What brilliant ideas have they come up with today, anyway?"
Snape wasn't alone in his thoughts anymore, but joined by the remainder of the Order, who never seemed to get it through their thick heads that this particular cloud belonged to him, and him alone.
"Are you quite certain that brilliant describes your grandson, Potter? If I recall, your namesake got…how many OWL's, two?"
"OWLS, smowls. Little James had much more important things on his mind. Kid was the bloody captain of the Quidditch team, and he was the best chaser since, well…me!" James retorted.
"And for your information, Potter, while you were busy, doing Merlin knows what with Evans, they have decided to start a rock band. That includes little Albus who is putting his Auror training on hold for such nonsense. Next thing you know, they'll be wasting their time of Britain's Got Talent or some other worthless reality show."
"For your information, Snivelly, little Albus got 12 OWL's. An O in Potions, mind you…" Sirius snapped.
"That would be because his middle name happens to be MINE…" Snape kept a cool head.
"Let's do it then, Teddy!" James said excitedly. "Let's get started straightaway!"
"Not Teddy, too!" sighed an exasperated Remus Lupin, who shook his head at his grown up and allegedly happily married son. "Must be the Nymphadora in him…"
"Excuse me? How MANY times do I have to tell you, Remus. Don't call me Nymphadora! And what's that supposed to mean, anyway? If our son wants to join a bloody rock band, you better had let him…"
"But he's too old for that. He's about to be twenty-five. He's a father himself, for heaven's sake!"
"Seesh…it's a bloody good thing you died before he was a teenager. Probably would have been chained to the poor kid to his bed with nothing but books for company, and Victoire would never have fancied him. At least he's had a bit of fun with Harry…"
"Well, perhaps you should've married Harry if he's so much more capable than me. He's more your age, that's certain…"
"Whoa, easy Moony, that's personal. And you know, it is Harry we're talking about."
"He's about to be my age! My age when I DIED, you imbecile. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"Once again, Nymphadora, I did not force you to marry me, I suggested quite the contrary as a matter of fact."
"Oh yes, you started protesting after you got me pregnant in less than a month and then took off!"
"Spare us all the details of your sex life, Lupin," Snape sneered, "we're not interested."
"Toss off Snivellus, just because the only action you've ever had's been with your chemistry set doesn't mean the rest of us-"
"James," Lily said warningly, "leave him alone. Severus, you're not still spying on them, are you?"
Snape looked guiltily at her, then at the boys below.
"What's going on up here? James. You have that look." Albus Severus Potter was not fooled.
Smart boy that Albus Severus, Snape thought to himself.
"Don't know what you're talking about..."
"You two are plotting something. I know it," Albus interrupted.
"You used to get that look," Lily looked at her husband. "You too Padfoot. Whenever I caught you sneaking out of Gryffindor tower every other night…"
"Yeah, before you finally agreed to go out with him it was a different bird every other night," Sirius chortled but was silenced quickly by an icy look from James.
"Ha!" Snape looked triumphant as Lily glared at her husband. "I told you, didn't I? Again and again-"
"Get over it, Snivelly. She chose the better man. I can't help it if I had more of everything to offer her."
"Indeed. Including sexually transmitted diseases. I'm sure Lily appreciated that very much."
"Be quiet, you lot," Sirius stepped in between Severus and the two sets of arguing married couples.
"Fine, we were just imaging our impending stardom and galleons for the ages."
"Actually, he's not got a bad idea, Al," Teddy pondered aloud, "remember when we were kids and always wanted to start a band? James and I reckon its about time!"
"Listen to him, will you?" Remus looked frantically around to anyone who would listen. "He's going to quit his job and allow his wife and child to starve."
"Suppose that's the Lupin in him," Tonks said crossly.
"I certainly did not leave you to join a rock band!"
"Who says he's leaving Victoire? She seems to be pretty cool," Sirius observed, "quite the saucy little minx. Teddy could have done worse."
"Can't even tell she's had a baby recently," James chuckled, "her figure keeps getting more and more fit…most women take forever to…"
"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" Lily had her hands on her hips. "I know I gained a bit of weight with Harry but-"
"Sweetheart you're beautiful, glowing even! White's a wonderful color on you!"
Before Lily could retort something very rude, Tonks stepped in.
"At least he complements you in his own ridiculous way. I could walk in the room stark naked and that one would never notice a thing."
"Nymphadora, for heaven's sake! Have you no decency?" Remus looked mortified.
"At least you're among friends, Moony," Sirius said cheerfully. "But this is exactly why I never got married. Else I'd be stuck listening to some bloody woman for all eternity."
"Indeed fate was kind to any potential mates you might have had, Black. But then again, convicted felons don't have a lot of success in the dating world, I presume."
"That's rich Snivellus," Sirius raised an eyebrow, "and what do you blame your failure to have a relationship on, your allergy to shampoo?"
Before the two could proceed to attempt throw each other off of the cloud, James intervened and silenced them. "Listen!"
Albus was a little taken aback. " Uhhh, I never actually thought we'd do it. I mean playing for hundreds or thousands of people…."
"And Britain's Got Talent has open auditions next week! We could definitely be ready. I mean, we've got the equipment. We can use Victoire and Lily for groupies," James continued, ignoring the look of apprehension on his brother's face.
"That's my boy," James said approvingly. "Sensible, isn't he?"
"Oh yes," Lily said sarcastically. "Tell me again, James, was his crowing achievement at Hogwarts running buck naked across the Quidditch pitch or was it hoisting Mr. Filch's underpants atop the goalpost?"
Sirius thought seriously. "Definitely the goalpost."
"Once again, Black, you astound me with your intelligence."
"Toss off, Snivelly, or I'll throw you off this cloud."
"Like I said, THOUSANDS of people…" Albus tried again. "Besides, wouldn't three wizards have a bit of an unfair advantage over all the Muggle contestants?"
"You're a genius, Albus. Sound checking charms. Why didn't I think of that?"
"No. If we're going to do this we're going to do it fair and square," Teddy said firmly, "the Muggle way."
"Good boy," Remus said approvingly.
"Oh bloody hell, Teddy! A little cheating never hurt anybody!"
"Nymphadora!"
"Bugger off, Remus, I want to hear!"
"Suppose it could work," Albus said. "But we'd actually have to practice."
"Practice?" James shrugged. "Well we can behave like real Muggle rock and roll losers and shag loads of unsuspecting Muggle birds…"
"One problem," Teddy pointed to the gold ring on his left hand.
"Great. Kill our fun, Dad!"
"See, you were worried about him for nothing, Moony."
"Oh he's always overreacting!"
"Am not!"
"Are so!"
"Right back at you, son. What are you again, five years younger than me? Oh and is that a grey hair I see?"
"Bugger off, Teddy!" James clutched his hair protectively.
"Are we going to get Hugo to play drums like we did for school?" Albus was already doing calculations of exactly how much it would entail to win Britain's Go Talent.
"Another Weasley. How many of them are there?"
"Snivellus, I'm sick and tired of your whining. Who invited him anyway?"
"You called?" Hugo stuck his head in the door. "Didn't Mum tell you we were coming? Apparently Grandma Weasley fancied throwing me a coming of age party. I hope you all bought me expensive gifts."
"Is Rose here?" James wondered aloud, "she could be band manager. In charge of booking. Hugo, m'lad. We're hitting Britain's Got Talent, and you're drumming for us."
"I like Rose. She's a rather good looking little minx, isn't she?"
"Black, such comments get you arrested in the Muggle world."
"Sniv, I'll have you know that I could have had any girl, Muggle or witch, in my day."
"Yes, the time you spent in Azkaban really did wonders for your social life, I'm sure!"
"I didn't hear any complaints from Emmeline Vance. Nor from Hestia Jones." Sirius grinned deviously.
"Get out of here! Jones and your ugly mug? I don't believe it. I'm going to go ask her."
"You'll do no such thing, James Potter. It's bad enough that you're talking to each other about such things."
"C'mon Lily, it's bloody hilarious."
"Wicked," Hugo said approvingly, running a hand through his long red hair. "What's it called? The band I mean?"
"Teddy and the Potters," Albus said sarcastically.
"How original!" Snape sneered.
"It's bloody brilliant; and if you don't pipe down I'll turn you into a shampoo bottle."
"That's the best you have, Potter? You certainly have lost your touch."
"That's actually not bad." James laughed, turning to Hugo. "What do you think, mate?"
"One problem. I'm a Weasley."
"Eh too many as there are." James brushed his cousin aside.
"That's the first intelligent thing he's said all day."
"For heaven's sake, Severus, be quiet!"
"Besides, you're just the drummer. Teddy and I have vocals. Teddy has lead guitar cause he's the old married man. Albus, you take bass. Hugo, drums."
"Right." Hugo shrugged. "Sounds better than working at the store like all you lot. Don't tell my mum though, she wants me to be senior undersecretary to the minister before I'm thirty."
"Typical of Granger."
"And she was okay with Rose being a curse breaker? She'll be very supportive of this endeavour," James said seriously. "At least Rose is doing something worthwhile unlike planning a wedding like Lily. Anybody else sore at her? Selling herself short I think."
"Scorpius is a decent bloke," Teddy said nonchalantly. "Aren't they coming to dinner tonight?"
"Scorpius Malfoy?"
"Surely not, Padfoot."
"Just Lily. She didn't think Grandma and Granddad Weasley were ready for dinner with him just yet."
"Smart on her part," said Hugo, "Dad said just yesterday he'd disown Rosie if she ever took up with a Malfoy."
"That's it. She's disinherited."
"You all act like this was a surprise," Teddy laughed, "haven't they been together since their fifth year?"
"Oh James, cut them some slack. Good for Lily for breaking tradition."
"And shagging since their sixth…" James glowered.
"So much for breaking tradition. Bah! Seems to me that she's following in the family footsteps quite nicely."
"That's it, Snape, you and me. Withdraw your wand!"
"I suppose I'm supposed to conjure one out of the clouds?"
"The nerve of that weasel. Receding hairline and he's not even twenty yet. Nasty, ugly bugger if you ask me."
"Are you sure that we're…you know…cool enough to be on BGT?" Hugo asked seriously.
"Absolutely," James forgot his tirade about Scorpius Malfoy, "I mean, all the women are clamouring to shag me as it is. Albus will be an Auror, that'll help him compensate for his failing in other areas…"
"HEY!" Albus protested.
"Have you ever kissed a girl, you pouf?" James smacked his brother upside the head. "My point exactly. And Teddy's already got an illegitimate child…can't get much better than that!"
"James," Teddy looked at him squarely in the eye. "Your grasp on vocabulary is truly inspiring, if for some reason we do end up making the television show, please allow me to do the talking."
"That's my boy."
"That's right, Moony. All that's missing is the grey hair."
"BOYS!" Harry called from downstairs. "Dinnertime!"
"Indeed. Now, I'll thank you to stop spying, Severus!"
"But I wasn't spying, Lily, I was…"
Snape stopped speaking as he observed the lot of them glowering at him. Realizing that elaborating the point to the bunch of dunderheads was futile, he departed, deciding that even Dobby the house-elf was infinitely better company.