.So you want to be a Death Eater
Your guide to everything evil!
Greetings new follower:
If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.
Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death eating, which you must memorise then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide before swallowing).
The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.
Yours in infamy,
Lord Voldemort
So you want to be a Death Eater?
Welcome to this helpful guide to becoming a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you will need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.
Aims of the society:
World Peace*
To be evil
To conquer the world
Elimination of all Muggles
Elimination of all Mudbloods
Elimination of Albus Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix
Elimination of (Miscellaneous)
To serve Lord Voldemort (That's me!)
To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes
*This statement is a lie
List of equipment required for new Death Eaters
(Equipment marked * must be obtained from Messers, Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do Mail order as well.)
Long Black Robes (Casual) *
Long Black Robes (Smart) *
Short Black Robes (For summer wear) *
Long Black Cloak (Silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent) *
Black Mask (informal)
Black Mask (Sequined)
Black High Heels (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted) *
Black leather gloves (Barbed wire ornamentation optional) *
Wand
Extra wand in case of losing first wand
Plastic Imitation wand in case of losing extra wand
Cane (for favoured members only.) Unauthorised possession of a cane will result in Heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to assertion that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).
Coffin
Dueling Sword *
Disguise kit, containing Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, muggle policeman's costume, etc*
Saw
Assorted Chains
Handcuffs
Pointy Stick
Recommended Reading
Curses and Counter-Curses by Professor Vindictus Viridian
Evil: A beginners guide by Professor E. Maledict
The Illustrated Torturer's handbook by Bellatrix Black
What not to wear in the torture chamber by Narcissa Malfoy
Sex, Lies and Unforgivable curses: The Authorised Biography of Lord Voldemort by Peter Petigrew
Caring for your new Tattoo: An informative guide St Mungo's Hospital skin Department.
Death Eater may also own snake, dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may Possess a basilisk.
Death Eater Rules
No Death Eater shall be a Spy for Dumbledore
No Death Eater shall play the Harmonica
All Death Eaters should be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, Yodelling etc. An annual examination shall be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch.
No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident.
A Death Eater should be Pureblooded.
No Death Eater must never mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded.
No Death Eater must kill another Death Eater without a very good reason.
All Death Eaters should answer Lord Voldermort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first).
All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames.
All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.
Frequently asked questions
What happens if Voldermort is displeased with me?
As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:
Being slowly eaten by a Manticore.
Being dissolved in a vat of Basilisk Venom.
Gradual impalement on your on your wand.
Death by Mandrake (according to season)
The Pancake curse. (This newly developed will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice ate Death Eater feasts.)
Being flayed alive and used as a life-size glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties.
Avada Kedavra (if we were in a hurry/ feeling rather unimaginative).
What should I do if I decide to leave the organisation?
Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible. (See above)
What is the Salary like?
You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for solid reasons. Let's just say it's much, much better then they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for Pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.
Does the Dark Mark hurt?
Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?
Can the Dark Mark be removed by Laser Treatment?
No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.
But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality Concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the Concealer to make it last longer).
Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?
You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.
Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldermort's?
Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldermort is much more important. Occasional Massacre outings/ dark revels make take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behaviour.
What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?
This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.
The Death Eater Anthem
(To be memorised by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an insane muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.
Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?
When all is dim and dark?
Who murder people in their beds
Or sometimes in the park?
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We all love Voldemort!
We serve the Dark Lord everyday,
We're always very loyal
And if with us you don't agree
We'll boil you in hot oil!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're evil as can be!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
But if we're scared we flee!
Our curses are incredible.
We're known for are Mosmordres
And though are leader is insane
We always follow orders.
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're wickedness collective!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Yet rather ineffective!
Health and Safety:
Being a Death Eater is a naturally dangerous job. Lord Voldemort liability for any Pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.
However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the dark lord:
Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely Presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practise.
Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the dark lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.
If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, or 13, Knockturn ally, run a efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)
Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).
Ostiontatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/making sinister comments/killing people should only be practised in private.
If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.
Only eat food prepared by yourself or by your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.
Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offence when visiting a pub or a bar but its better then being dead. Obviously.
Do not take of your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while your are conjuring the Dark Mark/massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.
Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.
Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it on a later date. For the same reason, never mention or address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.
Burn up all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to Global Warming.
Set up a Anti-apperating spell around your residence (but make sure you have a portkey handy so your not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by aurors).
Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failing to do this may lead to sharing a hideout with another Death Eater family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television etc.
Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)