I think about Demi. A lot.

Time with her was the best. I never felt this happy before or after. It was somehow good, but that's all. Just regularly good and nothing more. But the times when she still was there were different. It had kind of dark side, so I could compare and appreciate more time that I was spending with her.

No matter how much I hated seeing them together or even thinking of a possibility that they are together right now. Well, I always was good at imagining things. Every day it felt like I constantly stabbing myself with a thick side of the knife, using help of her gentle hands.

No matter how much I hated this reality – what came next was way worse.

She left tour, the thing I never thought might happen.

I tried to help her as much as I could, but… Well… I never could really fix her heart.

And treatment.

Somewhere deep inside I always knew she was that disturbed and troubled. That is what made us so close in a first place. We never talked much about that type of things, but I suppose we just felt it in each other.

I looked at her as long as it was possible, without it being awkward or creepy. And pretty soon it became obvious for everyone. Even Demi, I suppose.

However, of course, it was easier for her to pretend that nothing is happening. She is a good actor still. Moreover, I was not even trying to talk about any of this stuff, because I knew that things would not get much easier anyway. I haven't even confess about my feelings to myself, at least I have not been completely aware of it somehow. I constantly was trying to remind myself that feelings won't last but friendship and my family won't go away.

She was comfortable telling how much I mean to her, how easy it is talk to me without any feeling of romantic kind involved, how much am I a friend.

Then she left me hanging with the darkest fear I ever had – being nothing more then my older brother shadow, incapable to get the only girl he really wants. How pathetic is that?

I think we both loved music that bad because it creates a new place in your mind, where you can just let your fears go, there you can hide and open up at the same time.

Now I can admit that I had that thing… that I have to be the best in everything I do. That I should be responsible for everything, even things no one able to control. Best in music, acting, sports, studying. Being the best in being better person.

And it took a while to figure it out. But I should have done it by myself.

Now I'm afraid that when I'll see her again it will all come back. She will turn me in to that stupid young boy, madly in love with her.

After she started treatment I was kind of not allowed to contact with her, because it is very bad for public image of Jonas Brothers and stuff. But I was adult so the thing that stopped was not some stupid Disney rules. It was just an excuse. I didn't let myself see her. I convenienced myself that I couldn't help anyway. That all I can do is wait, working on myself to be a better man when she will get out so we could be together.

But time slipped through my fingers. And now to let her in again seems to be wrong. Awkward.

And, well, I'm just her ex-boyfriend brother now. Who had a huge crush on her once.

And now she is stronger and better then ever.

And I can't stop remembering that time, when she was amazing. She had flaws, as any human does, but they just were making her perfect. She had brilliant smile, witty jokes, twisted, but also sharp mind, great voice and tons of talent.

She was no less, then herself.

She was Demi Lovato. The only girl Nick Jonas could never get.