to write. - Guardian
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In Which... "POSSE... We are. We always will be. Because we're a posse, "Hey, can we stop the scene for a moment?" The five characters below Seifer Almasy stared up at him in "My mascara is running because this damn light's making my eyes water. "RAGE!" Fujin stalked up to the podium and glared. "You bastard, this Seifer rolled his eyes. "Well, my dear, if you'd chosen to do something "RAGE! At least my legs look better than Rinoa's in that ballroom "Anti-aliasing," Raijin repeated obediently. "Yeah, well, I got like, ten FMVS!" piped up Rinoa from Squall and "Because you're sleeping with the main character," Seifer asserted. "Fatass," Squall mumbled from the back. " - and have no sissy pearl earring, unlike SOME people I could "Bitch!" " - but I really don't want to sleep with Rinoa because her legs are "MEANY! I hate you!" Rinoa jumped up onto Seifer's podium and began Immediately, Seifer yanked out Hyperion and cut her head off. "Congratulations, dipshit," Zell snarled. "Applaud the guy who But Zell died of heart disease from all those hot dogs ten seconds "Hahahahaha!" Seifer laughed maniacally. "Now the game is free "He's not that much of a threat," Fujin noticed, watching Squall "Oo, you bastard," Raijin noted as well, for no apparent reason. Seifer lifted his trenchcoat to his knees and began breakdancing Squall eventually noticed and jumped up on the podium with Seifer, "It's your birthday, shake your booty!" he sang. "...Whatever!" "Oo, it's so pretty! It's so pretty," Seifer sang as well. Seifer and Squall bopped butts and danced in circles and waggled Meanwhile, in yet another unnecessary scene, Raijin and Fujin played Raijin hauled Zell's arms above his head and bounced him up and down "RICE? COTTON CANDY? EGGS?" Fujin guessed. "Fuu-uuj! C'mon!" Raijin bounced Zell harder. " 'They injected me "CLOUD! MOSEY! IDIOT!" "Okay, okay, ya know. Your turn." Fujin grabbed Zell's limp body and angrily shook it. " 'I ruin my "Wow, Fuuj," Raijin admired. "You have problems." "I heard that!" Seifer shouted from the podium with a fake " 'And I act like an even bigger jerk and make Fujin jump out a "Aww, there, there, Fuu," Raijin tried to awkwardly soothe. "ALL SUCK," she wept. "Well, yeah." "You should just try to be sexy like me, Fuj," Seifer noted, "SEIFER, OVERSEXED," Fujin sulked. Seifer put on his practiced 'martyred' face. "It's not what "SEXY, WANNA," the albino protested. "Makeover, ya know!" Raijin squealed. "...Whatever," Squall acknowledged in his most energetic 'Whatever' Seifer pressed a button, and a vanity suddenly popped up Another button was pressed, and a clothes-rack popped up "I'd say she was a Late Spring," Squall announced. "Winter." "Late Spring." "Winter." "Okay. We're gonna janken for this." Seifer and Squall held out their "One, two, three!" Squall stuck out his hand as Scissors, and Seifer Squall sulked. "Whatever." "Hah, hah! Winter, winter!" Seifer sang, and turned to Raijin. For the next ten minutes, Fujin was lipsticked, blushed, Squall and Seifer eventually looked at her, they hmmmed and "How can you tell?" "She doesn't look like Kefka." Fujin looked at the mirror in astonishment. She looked... she "Hey, how did you get that scar, anyway?" Squall asked, reading She grimaced. "TRIPPED. ZELL'S HAIR, FELL ON." All three men winced. Raijin sorted through the clothing rack. "We got sixties polyester "I'll take those," Seifer immediately said. " - ten million trenchcoats, tight camo gear, and Laguna pants, "Trenchcoats are sexy," noted the only trenchcoat-wearing git in "They're shapeless," Squall argued. "We want to show the bits Seifer nodded briskly. "Breasts." "Or lack of Fujin's thereof, ya know," added Raijin. "RAGE!" she protested. "At least I don't have saggy man-breasts "Well, some men find small breasts sexy," the tall blonde said "Like?" Raijin hurriedly changed the topic. "Anyway, ya know, I'm votin' for "Because you have no taste, Mr. Aladdin Pants," Seifer said and yanked Fujin stood eagerly. "LEMON?" Seifer cocked an eyebrow and appeared to think about it, then shook The albino sulked and kicked off her outfit, revealing a sportsbra Seifer pulled the lung-constrictingly tight flimsy stringshoe top Fujin pulled on the pants as Seifer had too much fun with the "Definitely hot, ya know," Raijin informed her. "You'd get jumped "He jumps everyone," Squall told Raijin disgustedly, and turned Fujin clapped her hands over her ears. "SQUALL, UNSEXY! BIG MISTAKE!" "... in sheath, gun out sheath, gun in - What, Fuuj?" he asked "How do I look?" "Great," he said absently. "Gun in sheath - " "RAGE! I look sexy!" Fujin protested. "Too sexy!" The music came on " - Following submissions from the Rationalist association and others, "I think your morals ain't upholdin' today's society, ya know? Buyin' "Too sexy for this song!" Fujin finished desperately and posed in He finally looked up from his gunbelt and looked her up and down. She stamped her foot. "Seifer!" Seifer shrugged and threw Fujin over his shoulder, walking off And thus: Seifer slept with Fujin in a totally unnecessary scene in the Squall and Raijin discussed Rationalists and Humanists, nude Zell and Rinoa's corpses rotted on the floor. It was nasty. Kiros insisted on saying, "Boogie-woogie your bon-bon, Laguna," The End sign came up. It will, I promise. No, really. THE END
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we want to help you. Whatever it takes to fulfill your dream,
we're willing to - "
bewilderment.
Why do I have to be on this stupid podium, anyway?" he sulked. "Nobody
can see my sexy body for half the scene! I want a revolution! I'm
a young revolutionary!"
is my only, best scene in the game, and now you've ruined it! You did
this on purpose! Even Raijin gets more lines than me!"
cool instead of run around the entire game like a secondary character,
maybe you would have gotten something more than a backseat role and
a five-second FMV - "
scene! Can anyone say, 'anti-aliasing'?!"
Zell's side.
"Which, by the way, should have been me, owing to the fact that
I have a sexier body - "
mention - "
indeed jaggy and dangerous."
trying to saw him to death with one of her limbs.
just ruined the friggin' game!"
later, because he had fufilled his role in life, namely a One-Liner.
Nobody noticed.
for me to take it over and get a ten-minute FMV of my luscious
bod! Now there is only Squall standing in my way!"
obliviously sing along to 'I'm Just A Girl' playing on the walkman
he hid under his hair.
in celebration, flipping up and wiggling his booty at his posse.
"I am the champion! I am the champion! No time for losers!
Cause I am the champion! Of the world!"
dancing funkily along with him.
their tongues. They soon grew tired of dancing funkily, however,
and changed into a rendition of Riverdance, Squall having a useful
leotard underneath his outfit and Seifer having metal-capped shoes.
charades with the still-fresh corpses of Zell and Rinoa.
for effect. " 'I'm named after a white fluffy thing,' " he intoned
hollowly.
with Mako, ya know! Let's moosey!' "
posse's scenes and I have penis problems, and I am scared of
commitment and regularly go through Fujin's underwear drawer!' "
Irish accent.
window in countless fanfics, and I sleep with almost every cast
character - ' " Fujin broke down in sobs on dead Zell's shoulder.
" - and I can count the number of times I've been laid on one
hand! RAGE!"
"I bet there'll be lots of lemons written about you, ya know - "
having switched to doing the Macarena.
it's cracked up to be. How would you like it if you had to
sleep with Trepe every second fanfic, Rinoa every tenth,
and having a whole section devoted to grinding Squall?"
He paused. "Wait, don't answer that, cause I know I love it."
of the day.
into the floor. Those Lunatic Pandora people were all
fashionably cute, doncha know, and knew the importance of
makeup.
next to the vanity. Squall and Seifer immediately set up shop
next to Fujin.
hands.
quickly morphed his Paper into a Rock.
"Raijin, get out the lipstick and blusher. #5, Whore Red,
and #10, Aeris Pink."
pancaked, styled into submission, and threatened with the eyelash
shapers.
hawed and finally nodded. "She's done and it's good,"
Seifer acknowledged.
looked like someone who could get more than a ten-second FMV!
She looked like the kind of Final Fantasy character people
drew tentacle hentai art for! Even that scar over her blind eye was
fashionably sexy!
the above paragraph.
suit, a Catholic Schoolgirl outfit, some fake Tifa breasts - "
ya know? Big hole."
the room.
of Fujin to the world that the world wants.... Whatever," he added
hurriedly, as he got paid each time he said it. (Suffice to say, he
was rolling in it by the end of the game.)
like Cid!"
uncertainly.
the polyester suit, ya know."
the camo gear off the hanger. "Let's go for GI Fuuj. Clothes off!"
his head. "Haven't got a thesaurus, and you can only use the word
'engorged' so often."
and boxers with little cross-sword icons on them. Raijin turned
away so that the image would not pop up in his memory as he tried
to have sex with other people.
over Fujin's head and offered her the baggy green pants. "Do you
want a gunbelt? There's the whole sexual innuendo thing there."
He picked up the belt and began sliding the gun in and out the
sheath. "Gun in sheath, gun out sheath. Gun in sheath, gun out
sheath. Oooh, yeah."
gunbelt and struggled into large clunky shoes. "WELL?" she inquired.
on by Irvine, ya know?"
back to Fujin. "Yeah. I'd sleep with you... hey, I did sleep with
you. Remember that fanfic?"
She whirled around to Seifer. "YOU?"
distractedly.
and Fujin began stripping to the music, trying in vain to get Seifer's
attention. "I'm too sexy for these pants, too sexy for these
pants, too sexy - "
the Marriage Act was amended in 1975 - " droned Squall to Raijin,
having forgotten about Seifer; his attention span being that of a
marshmallow.
alcohol on Sundays! For shame, ya know!"
front of Seifer.
"You're going to get some censorship bars if you carry on with
that, Fusama."
to the nearest car. "Oh, okay."
back of one of those ugly cars that you can rent, and got to act
like Jack off Titanic. (Only Seifer was sexier.) But they ran out
of fuel, and adjectives, and a passing Marlboro pointed
and laughed at them before he arrested them for indecency. So
Fujin never got her full lemon. She was exceedingly angry and
Seifer's shins are bruised.
sunbathing, and the insides of pop-tarts, before getting new
agents and trying for better roles in the next Final Fantasy
game. Squall lost the role of Garnet. He is very bitter.
They had to get the carpet redone.
throughout this entire fic, so we cut him out. Hah! Take that, you
retarded arm-flailing steakknife-wielding bastard!