Title: What She Knows
Author: AshleyKay
Rating: PG
Note: I wrote this before Season 3 but never uploaded it. So now I guess it can be viewed as an AU.
What She Knows
She hates Clark; she doesn't want to, but its there all the same. She hates him because he's a liar, because he used her, but mostly because she can't stop wanting him. When the days are too quiet and she is alone, that she is never really loved him. She couldn't, she doesn't even know him. Everything about him is a partial lie wrapped around her neck like a noose. Everything she does know counts for nothing. She knows he's beautiful, that he can be kind, gentle, that on some occasions he cares. Mostly she knows that he hurts her, and all the time she knows he makes her cry.
She wanted him anyway.
Before everything she deserved something better, now she's got everything she deserves. She is a betrayer. She used him, lied to him, hurt him, even if he doesn't know it yet. The only thing she knows that stands as complete truth is that she hates herself.
She can smell him before he says a word. Power, money, manipulation, it's lying stagnant in the air. She feels sick. He skips the formalities, she's his now anyway. No need to woo hat is already won, even if she feels like she's lost. Like she's here but she isn't real. He asks her about Clark, she tells him that she doesn't have anything that as far as she knows he's just like everyone else. Like everyone else, he asks, nothing unusual and he already knows the truth. She thinks of coffins and graves, tries to stop the feel of her skin push against the wind; she can't see it but she can't stop remembering either. She thinks of all the things that live at the tip of her tongue, the blank memories, flashes of knowledge that have to be somewhere inside. Kisses and cars, of the truth she wanted to know for so long. No, she says, nothing unusual. She has betrayed Clark, wanted him and sold him; she'll never do any of them again. His mouth tightens just an inch, he asks about her father, she panics just for a moment but knows that no matter what she says, she'll have to pay. She made her choice.
When he's gone, and everything that has happened fades behind her eyes, she dreams. Sometimes it's of dirt and useless air, dams and flying cars. She use to dream of death, it doesn't scare her as much as it use to. No, no fears is reserved for the daylight; for mutants and psychos, but mostly for deals made in moments. She saves fear for the future. The dreams of the Daily Plant come more frequently, the ones of everything she's ever worked for, betrayed for. In her dreams, she's never there but Lois is. Lois, who never wanted the Plant until she went to Met U. Adventure and travel where always more Lois's style. Then Lois took Chloe's dream and made it her own. They laugh about it now but both of them know only one of them will make it and she's afraid it's not going to be her. She jerks awake and tries to slow her breathing.
She opens her purse and pulls out a paper with an address. It's her mother's she thinks she might write. Tell her mother how lost she is, tell her that even though she's angry, she wants her back. Tell her everything. She hears a noise and sees that Lois left her an instant message. She closes her eyes; she knows that a letter wouldn't do any good. She's sent a dozen and nothing ever changes. She hears the ding again, she doesn't answer Lois' messages, doesn't pick up when Clark calls. She wants to run away but she can't.
She thinks of Sam Lane, how he always said that the women of their family were too controlled by their emotions and tried his best to raise his eldest daughter better, stronger than the rest of them. She's not strong like Lois; she has too much Lane blood pumping through her veins. She lets everything she feels lead her to where she ends up. Pain, hurt, suffering, love, joy. Oh, God, joy! She lets that cloud everything. Lets it reach and maneuver every part of her. Like the Spring Formal, she let it take her there, even though she knew, knew that Clark wasn't all the way interested. She knew all along and she let herself, even if it was just for a moment, be second best. She feels the tears behind her closed eyes, Sam Lane was right he blood is her weakness.
She chose this, chose everything and now all that's left is all she has. Her destiny and fate are unknown; she is caught with no real future. Unlike every one that surrounds her, Clark the great hero, Lex the powerful man. Pete the one who know it all. Lana the damsel that will never really be alone. And she, she is the blank, the undiscovered; she has no destiny at all. She doesn't no if that's good, but she's not convinced that's bad either.
Clark walks in behind her; she knows it's him before he speaks. She feels a hollow in her gut every time he's near. When he asks her what's wrong and why she hasn't answered his calls, she doesn't say anything. She keeps her eyes closed because she's afraid of what she'll see. He touches her face and asks gently if she's asleep. When he touches her face, she opens her eyes. She lies and says something about long nights and too much work. He smiles and talks about helping her. She nods and smiles, she doesn't know what's coming, she doesn't know if she ever loved him, but she knows she can't stop hating him. She hates him because everything she saw him, as is everything she's ever wanted for herself. She is jealous of everything she sees written for him. His destiny is bigger than this town, so she thought was hers. It was grader than the state, she want to be too. But in him she saw a greatness that extended further than her mind could grasp, she ached to be a part of that. She wasn't. She isn't stupid; she's not even naive anymore. She was barely a paragraph in his journey. She chose to be more.