"You can parody almost anything."

—Bruce McCall (as quoted on brainyquote·com)

Preface

It seems that many franchises that fans enjoy as a whole often have aspects fans don't like. For the cartoon MASK, few fans enjoyed the final ten episodes where the traditional missions gave way to a racing series where MASK and VENOM raced against each other, often with little to nothing in the way of an actual plot. Even on this site, there are few or no fans of the racing episodes; none of the writers there left reviews on either of my racing crossovers to date. Perhaps that will change with this story?

Similarly, the news that Ahsoka Tano had survived beyond Star Wars: The Clone Wars to become a supposedly-recurring character in Star Wars Rebels excited a number of Star Wars fans. The news itself might have been good, but the manner in which Disney has chosen to animate her adult character has wrinkled some fans' brows. To make matters worse, Hasbro has recently released posters where Ahsoka's rear head-tail is clearly missing.

So, this two-shot will combine both the MASK racing episodes and Ahsoka's Tano's new look and poke fun at them in the most hilarious ways possible. While this story is intended to be completely separate from my previous racing outtakes, readers might recognize the vehicle now being referred to as "Raptor" because it's the same vehicle referred to as "Oz-1" in those stories. This is probably the only item the stories have in common.

Because this race begins in Quebec, where the primary language is French, there will be French dialogue enclosed in «angled quotes» with the English translation following in [brackets]. It'll be nice to put my four years of high school French to good use again.

Finally, please note that this story will contain spoilers for the upcoming season. Some may be so subtle that one might miss them. Others may be more blatantly obvious.

Acknowledgments

Very special thanks go to The Walt Disney Company, the owners of the Star Wars franchise; and, to Kenner and D.I.C. Enterprises Inc, the owners of MASK.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

List of Abbreviations

MASK – Mobile Armored Strike Kommand [sic].

OPP – Ontario Provincial Police

PNA – Peaceful Nations Alliance

VENOM – Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem.

Nevada Rushmore drove Goliath-2 down an empty two-lane highway. In the past, it had more traffic. Today, the extension of the auto-route through the area now held most of the area's traffic.

However, Nevada didn't transport Matt Trakker and Goliath-1. Today, he transported a new mask agent and her vehicle. As they neared their final destination, the two discussed the upcoming race.

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Ahsoka? You haven't been a MASK agent all that long," Nevada asked.

"I'll be fine. Matt told me everything he thought I should know about that VENOM group. They don't scare me one bit. I've battled far more intimidating villains in my past. I've even raced vehicles far more sophisticated than these. Don't worry. I'll be safe."

"I don't doubt that, but don't underestimate VENOM. They have a motley assortment of agents, vehicles, and weapons."

"I appreciate that, Chief. So, how long is this race anyways?"

"We start just outside the Peanut Butter Pebble Ranch. From there, we follow Highway 138 into Montreal, take the auto-route into Ontario, and then follow former Highway 2 into Toronto. There will be refueling stations in Trois Rivières [Three Rivers], Montreal, and Cornwall."

"It sounds easy enough. What's that the other guy said before we left? 'Nothing to it, but to do it.' "

Nevada chuckled. "If only any race involving VENOM was that simple."

After turning onto another side road and a short drive, the pair reached the Peanut Butter Pebble Ranch and found the area reserved for the MASK vehicles.

"Well, Ahsoka, this is it. I'll lower Raptor off Goliath for you so you can check it one last time," Nevada stated.

"Thanks, Nevada," Ahsoka replied. She then surprised him with an innocent kiss on the cheek.

"What was that for?" he asked, confusion noticeable in his voice and on his face.

"For being so helpful on the way here. Besides, it's not like I'm married or spoken for, contrary to the rumors posted on your internet. Heck, they can't even draw me correctly."

"If you say so. Oh, don't forget your mask."

As Nevada lowered her vehicle, the McLaren M-23 race car code named Raptor, Ahsoka nodded and reached over to grab her mask. Although it took additional time to make, Matt designed it to accommodate Ahsoka's montrals and head-tails. The visor was tinted enough to conceal her face while allowing her to clearly see through it. Around the visor was a tiara-like strip that converged on a diamond-like jewel on in the middle of her forehead.

Ahsoka then met up with the other MASK agents that would race. With the course starting in Quebec, Matt invited Jacques LaFleur to participate and represent the host province. Brad Turner, Boris Bushkin, Ali Bombay, and Clutch Hawks rounded out the team. Matt, despite having Goliath-1 with him, wasn't racing officially. Instead, he opted to have a supervisory role and help out in an emergency. Also, Raptor's inaugural race would help him decide if it would eventually replace Goliath-1.

"Ahsoka, it's good to see you made it," Matt told her.

"I'm looking forward to it. I'm still not sure how I ended up here, but it will be nice to do something fun and battle evil at the same time."

"And I believe you remember the rest of the team, except for Boris here. Boris, this is Ahsoka. She'll be driving Raptor today."

"Boris 'The Czar' Bushkin. So, you're our new MASK agent. It's a pleasure to meet you. I wish we could have a race in Russia, though. Sometimes, I miss the borscht belt," Boris replied.

Ahsoka looked Boris over and pointed at his gut. "I think I just found it," she deadpanned.

Boris responded with a hearty laugh. "You're a spunky one, Fireball," he answered as he playfully slapped her on the back.

Ahsoka, however, yelped as he struck her rear head-tail. "Careful there, big guy," she said as she reached behind to massage the sore spot. I hope it doesn't bruise. And, what's with calling me "Fireball?" she thought.

Elsewhere, the VENOM vehicles and agents gathered. Miles and Maximus Mayhem brought Floyd Malloy, Bruno Sheppard, Lester Sludge, and Vanessa Warfield.

"Who's the orange lady?" Max asked his twin brother.

"I suppose that must be the new agent I heard about. Ahsoka Tano, I believe her name is. She certainly looks unusual with those weird things coming out of her head," Miles replied.

"She looks like she spent too much time in a tanning booth!" Floyd interjected.

"Who cares what she looks like, Bird Man? I think I'll go over there and see if I can't scare her a little."

Miles then waited for the MASK agents to inspect their vehicles one last time before he walked up to Ahsoka.

"Ahsoka Tano," he said as he stopped alongside her.

"Who are you?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm sure Trakker told you all about me, Tano. If I were you, I wouldn't bother racing. You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"Sorry, Miles, but I'll put the bite on you and your VENOM agents," Ahsoka replied with a teasing smile.

After groaning, Miles said, "Have it your way, but I'll get you, you... whatever you are, and your little toy race car, too!" He then stormed off back to the rest of his agents.

Elsewhere, Clutch checked Wildcat one last time before the race.

"Well, Brad, I think I'm ready. Maybe this will be the race I finally win."

"Don't count on that, Hawks," a husky female voice replied for behind.

"Vanessa Warfield. You must be desperate to add to your win total to be racing all the way up here."

"Hawks, after we're done here, you'll want to question coming to Quebec."

"Haven't we had this conversation before, Vanessa?"

"Who keeps track? All I know is I saw you get mauled in Memphis, and now you'll get crushed in Canada."

"That was a ruse, you know. I let Boris win so you'd try to turn him against me."

Vanessa growled. "Suit yourself. All I know Is you'll lose again." Before she left, though, she spotted Brad. "Hi, Brad," she said in her best seductive voice. "Do you think you can challenge me more this race?"

Brad's cheeks flushed. "Oh, hi, Vanessa. I certainly hope to win against you."

"I'd be disappointed, otherwise. See you soon."

"That sure was awkward," Clutch said.

"Tell me about it," Brad replied. "She's been like this ever since she won that race in the southwest."

Back where the VENOM agents gathered, Miles walked back shaking his head.

"What's wrong?" Max asked.

"Tano's got a bigger mouth on her than Trakker. We've definitely got our hands full this time."

"Why did I let you talk me out of retirement and back into racing? I know what's gonna happen. MASK will win the race, and we'll fail in everything yet again."

"Don't start with me, Maxie. We'll get Tano, and if all else fails, you can use our secret weapon. Don't forget, those MASK fools have no idea what we have planned in Toronto. By the time they find out, it will be too late."

"Right. We'll get the last laugh yet."

With the race ready to begin, the racers lined up just outside the Peanut Butter Pebble Ranch. Guests presently staying there formed a makeshift audience to send the racers off towards Toronto. With excitement in the air and the sound of cheering, an announcement came over a loudspeaker.

«Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue à la Clash Canadienne. Les seules règles sont: pour suivre le cours, et pour finir la course. Bonne chance.»

[Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Canadian Clash. The only rules are: to follow the course, and to finish the race. Good luck.]

At the sound of a simulated gunshot, everyone revved their engines and sped off. Thanks to the luck of the random draw, Vanessa Warfield in Manta raced out to an early lead. As she sped over the concrete bridge that spanned the river, she unleashed an unpleasant surprise. A compartment on Manta's hood opened, revealing three missiles. She shot them at the bridge, destroying the middle portion of it and rendering it unusable.

"Alright, now nobody will cross the river—not easily anyways," Vanessa stated gleefully.

"You were supposed to wait until we crossed!" Miles scolded her.

"Oops," Vanessa replied, with a subtle hint of sarcasm.

"Maxie, launch the drone. We can make better time without all the dead weight in the middle for now."

"Right, Miles," Max answered. With the press of a button, Buzzard split into three parts. Each of the Mayhem twins piloted their own side pod. Meanwhile, wings extended from the center part and a robotic drone piloted the jet portion.

As this transpired, Duane Kennedy, leader of the PNA, looked on in horror. It was no surprise to see VENOM use such gamesmanship in a race. However, the dirty deed happening so soon—and cutting off most of the racers from the other side of the river—was the shocking part. To Duane's surprise, the local mayor came up to him and gestured as he told him something.

"Matt, If I understand Mayor Gilbert correctly, there's another bridge a short distance away. The only thing is that it's old and not in use anymore, so vehicles will have to go over it one at a time."

"Thanks, Duane," Matt replied.

"Actually," Ali interjected, "I can convert Bullet to hovercraft and fly over. We may need that to make sure we're not too far behind the VENOM vehicles."

"That's a good idea, Ali. Go for it."

Ahsoka, hearing the conversation over the open frequency, had her own idea.

"I can fly, too. I've got be faster than some hovercraft. Time for Fulcrum to turn this lever," she told herself. As she activated the lever for defense mode, Raptor went slightly airborne thanks to underbody thrusters. The sides slowly pulled away from each other to form wings. Once converted, thrusters inside the tires activated, helping her take flight. A touch screen display provided feedback and controls for the wingtip micro-lasers and the bigger laser contained inside the oxygen intake.

Elsewhere, the vehicles that couldn't fly made their way to an old, narrow metal bridge. Without it, the resulting detour would cost the drivers too much time in a race. One by one, everyone crossed. Unfortunately, for Jacques, he was last in line. As he slowly crossed the river, the bridge slowly creaked.

"It's bad enough it's a tight fit, but I don't want it to fall apart when I'm still on it," he said.

"You'll be fine, Trailblazer," Matt assured him. "Besides, we don't have Bruce's lifter mask, so you can't take any unplanned swims."

Jacques chuckled as he finally reached the other side. "It's time for Volcano to erupt against VENOM," he stated as he floored the accelerator.

Ahsoka sped down Highway 138 towards Trois Rivières. As she sensed nobody else in nearby, she noticed something peculiar.

"That's funny, when did my skin get so light?" she asked herself out loud.

Behind her, though, another vehicle slowly closed the gap between Raptor and itself.

"There's Tano!" Max exclaimed to his twin brother.

"Launch the drone, Maxie. If we have to disable her vehicle, we can use the slicer cannon. Trakker made a big mistake not giving her a MASK vehicle. Meanwhile, we'll overpower her on the ground," Miles replied.

Max pressed the button to convert Buzzard once more. As they continued to bear down on Ahsoka in Raptor, she sensed something amiss.

"There's Miles and his sidekick again. I wonder where their plane thingy is," she said.

"Be careful, Ahsoka, they're very dangerous, and they'll pursue you relentlessly," Matt replied through their inter-mask radios.

Ahsoka suddenly slammed on her breaks and spun Raptor around 180°. "It's time to teach those two it's not wise to tangle with a Togruta. Akul, on!" she called out. The edge of her mask lit up and the jewel in the middle of her forehead blinked as it shot tooth-shaped laser bolts towards the Buzzard side pods.

As Max prepared to fire his melter cannon, one of Ahsoka's projectiles caught his front tire and blew it out.

"Whaaa!" Max cried as his pod spun out of control and crashed into his brother's pod, causing both pods to fall on their sides.

Ahsoka smirked underneath her mask. "I'd rather fight against old geezers than fight with them," she said. Satisfied with her attack, she turned Raptor around and sped off.

Behind her, Miles and Max got out of their side pods. Miles, however, smacked his brother.

"You idiot, what was that for?" Miles yelled.

"Something blew out my tire!" Max replied. As he looked around, he noticed some of Ahsoka's projectiles. "Did she really shoot teeth at us?" he asked.

"Don't you remember what I told you in Africa, Maximus? It's a strange war we wage against MASK. You've got to expect strange weapons. Given Tano is the strangest MASK agent we've ever seen, we have to expect her to use the strangest weapons ever conceived."

"I knew I should have stayed home and blackmailed that European leader. He'd have paid me millions to keep those scandalous pictures from appearing in the tabloids."

"Never mind that. Help me figure out how we can get Tano."

"How about we have the drone fix my flat."

"Now you're talking like a VENOM agent, Maxie. Mayhem to drone: stop following Tano. Get down here and help us."

"At least she didn't shoot totem poles at us. She was right, though. She really did put the bite on us."

Miles growled in disgust to be reminded of Ahsoka's comments.

Elsewhere, A harsh voice interrupted Ali Bombay's racing.

"Hey, Bombay," it called out.

Ali turned around cautiously. The last time he turned to answer VENOM's Lester Sludge, he ended up with a mask full of mud.

"What you want, Lester?" Ali asked suspiciously.

"Relax, I was just curious why you haven't changed your name to Ali Mumbai," Lester replied.

"Oh, that's a simple answer: I don't have the necessary 1605 Indian Rupees* to file a name change."

"Wow, I thought Miles was a tightwad when it came to paying us agents, but Trakker seems worse. You need the prize money more than I do. Go ahead and speed past me, I won't stop you. Besides, Miles has something else for me to do, anyways."

Ali sped up, surprised that Lester didn't pursue him. I just hope he doesn't plan to do something sneaky, like when he wanted to race me back in India, he thought.

At another spot, VENOM's Vanessa Warfield was ready to attack.

"Now, Bird Man!" she called out to Floyd.

Floyd pulled back on his controls to convert Vampire. The body gradually lengthened, the read panels dropped to form wings, and the windshield dropped down to reveal lasers. Meanwhile, Vanessa transformed Manta. The read split open to reveal three jet exhaust pipes. As it took flight, the wheels turned around to reveal wings. Lasers then appeared from inside the headlights, and a bank of three missiles rose from the hood.

"Just our luck, two airborne vehicles against us," Clutch told Brad.

"Some odds, huh? We can take them on," Brad replied.

"I'll take care of Malloy, you two defend against Vanessa," Ali said. Bullet's wheels slowly pulled apart to become turbines for his now-hovercraft.

"Works for me," Brad replied. His stock car, Razorback, raised the middle section for an attack platform. The doors and trunk opened to reveal lasers and the front grille produced a missile.

At the same time, Clutch converted Wildcat. The front cab raised and cannons came out of the headlights. He also had a rear laser available if it was needed.

"I'll squash you, MASK worm," Floyd called out as he shot towards Ali. The latter, however, easily evaded the fire and responded with his own shots towards Floyd."

"Have a ball. Buckshot, on," Floyd responded. A number of ball bearings shot from a projectile on the right side of his mask.

"Vortex, on," Ali said. His mask produced a small whirlwind. Floyd found his ball bearings coming back at him and Vampire started to spin out of control as well.

"You can blow me away all you want, Bombay, but I'll still get you," Floyd called out as his voice faded in the distance.

As this happened, Clutch and Brad battled with Vanessa. The latter unsuccessfully fired her rockets towards the pair. Now, she flew Manta down as if she intended to dive-bomb them.

"Concrete cannons, fire!" Clutch called out. Wildcat's cannons shot quick-drying cement and created a large wall that led to Vanessa having to veer off at the last second.

"I expected that, Hawks. You may have surprised me in Memphis, but not today! Whip, on," she said. A long, blue whip-like strand of energy shot out of her mask and demolished the makeshift wall.

"Clutch, let's get out of here before she can attack again," Brad said. Sticking his head out of Razorback, he called out, "Eclipse, on!" A black, murky, darkness shot out of his mask, obscuring Vanessa's vision. Still, she fired her missiles again. Once the darkness faded, though, she found nobody else in sight.

"Stop leaving me in the dark, Turner!" Vanessa yelled as she slammed her fist on top of Manta's dashboard. "No matter, I'll just have to beat you again."

Ahsoka opted not to refuel in Trois Rivières, and she checked her fuel as she reached Montreal.

"I should be able to make it to Cornwall. But if I'm the only Togruta, why would they name a city after my montrals?" she asked. As she looked down again, she noticed her skin seemed to be darker orange again.

"If this keeps up, I may need new orange bras to match my skin," she said.

To her surprise, she heard a number of loud groans—from both MASK and VENOM agents—through her mask's internal radio.

"Ahsoka, if you want to make private asides, you may want to mute your radio first," Matt suggested.

She was about to reply, but the sound of an odd buzzing sound derailed her train of thought, though.

"Hey, Tano!" Lester called out. As she turned to look back at him, Lester fired Iguana's sludge cannons and hit her square in her mask. "Here, have a free mud bath. Maybe it can improve your skin," he added as he laughed hysterically.

Ahsoka briefly foundered inside Raptor from the mud obscuring her vision. However, she used the Force and the sensations in her montrals to successfully navigate a sharp turn.

"Huh? How'd she do that?" Lester asked in disbelief.

"I don't need to see to drive, sleemo. Montrals for the win," she replied teasingly.

"Montreal or not, I'll tell everyone you're a dirty little girl."

"I thought Hondo Ohnaka was a dirty old man, but this guy may have him beat," Ahsoka said as she used the Force to lift the mud off of her mask and cast it away. After a moment, she asked Lester, "Are you sure you're not Ki-Adi Mundi?"

"Never heard of him. Tell you what, it's Wednesday, so I'll pretend to be Ki-Adi Wednesday," Lester replied with another laugh.

"What an awful joke," Ahsoka muttered. As she looked ahead, she saw the bridge over the Saint Lawrence river leading to the island city of Montreal. Her enhanced vision spotted unexpected construction that blocked off one of the lanes on the bridge.

Lester used the distraction to pull up alongside her and he attempted to run her off the auto-route.

"Sorry Tano, but your race is over," he told Ahsoka.

Sparks flew as Lester slammed Iguana into the side of Raptor. Ahsoka looked on in horror to see the right guardrail of the bridge was missing as part of the construction.

As Iguana slammed into Raptor again, Ahsoka felt the wheels leave the pavement. She now found herself airborne over the river.

"Have a nice swim, Tano!" Lester called out as laughed again. "I just hope she doesn't sink. Miles won't pay me if I come back empty-handed."

Ahsoka's eyes continued to widen as the blueness of the water got closer and closer as Raptor started to lose altitude in the air.

Chapter Endnotes:

* ₹1605 is approximately $25 US or €22.15 at the time of this writing.