D/C: No, I do not own any of Ai Yazawa's beautiful creations and I never will!
Lyrics (c) to Azure Ray- Sleep
Final quote (c) to Ai Yazawa
A/N: I don't really know where to place this fic in terms of what I've written already. Anyway, because I loved the most recent chapter of NANA, I decided to write something a bit more ... well; see what you think! Also, I'd like to say a big thank you to Sisidraig for checking this and making me feel brave enough to post it!! Enjoy ^_^
I've decided to dedicate this to anyone who feels alone...
Fill these spaces up with days,
In my room,
You can go, you can stay,
I can't sleep.
I can't speak to you.
I can't sleep...
---
Even now I know we are looking at the same sky, but it's not enough, it will never be enough, and so I'm still waiting...
---
I don't really know why I'm here. Maybe it's because when you live in a city for so long, you need to find a place where you can just shut the world out, watch it go by. Or maybe... Maybe there are other reasons... I've always loved the sea; I'm just not brave enough to drown in it... I'm not brave at all...
--
The roar of the crowd was intoxicating; she could almost feel the adrenalin coursing through her veins. She could feel the bass pounding through the floor as she reached down to touch the outstretched hands of screaming teenagers. Some were moved to tears, their eyes fixed, staring up at her, glistening under the bright lighting as they mimed the lyrics back over the din of sound. Others shouted at the top of their lungs, grinning ecstatically, their bodies completely under the influence of the rhythm. What still astounded her was the amount of control she possessed, anything she would do, they would copy. It was like being almost like being surrounded by thousands of mirror images, and each time she played in front of huge crowds like this, she knew she would never escape the natural high.
Though, as time went by it started to grate on her. Tea left a bad taste in her mouth, buses were far too slow and shops were far too small. Technology was behind. You couldn't get decent ramen noodles or sake if you tried. The weather got her down the most, nearly everyday- rain. The only thing that remained the same were the highs of the gigs. But there were no "arigatos" said by her at the end, only "thankyous." After all, this was London. Out of all this though, one thing sickened her daily – her face was everywhere. Apparently anything that was different did actually become a feeding ground for the press. A Japanese girl in London, how 'original' she thought cynically while staring up at yet another picture of her face on a billboard. I guess this is what is meant by "be careful what you wish for." The word 'famous' didn't mean anything anymore. Suddenly all the aspirations seemed silly and superficial now. If she was honest with herself, no-one really knew her here, they just knew her voice.
--
I'm sat here still, listening to the waves, waiting for the crashes. I wonder if she knows...
"Oosaki Nana?" It is! It's really you! Nana looked up as a young girl came running towards her, and she allowed herself to smile as she watched the uneven steps and over-balancing as she pushed through the heavy gusts of wind. "Everyone thought you were dead!"
Well, that's interesting. Maybe- maybe that's what I wanted them to think, just to make the pain stop.
"Would you sign this for me?" The girl asked, windswept and rosy-cheeked, placing a 'Black Stones' album into her hands. Nana wasn't sure whether she looked at the girl's face out of surprise or appreciation. She hadn't seen this album in years.
"Do you have a marker?"
"Of course!" The girl replied, smiling sweetly. Nana smiled back at her weakly, knowing that this simple act would cause her more pain than necessary.
"There you go."
"Arigato, Nana-san!"
Nana nodded, then whispered to the girl, while trying to suppress the rising pang of guilt in her stomach: "Hey, please don't tell anyone I was here okay? Can you do that for me?
"Sure Nana-san. Anything for you, I hope you get better soon," and with that statement the childish demeanour washed itself away from her features, as if she knew the truth.
Nana watched as she skipped off to rejoin her mother on the footpath, just off the beach. She felt her eyes glaze over as the fading cries of "Look, look what I got!" made her realise she had just met someone who appreciated her real work.
I hope you get better soon...
--
Typical. It's raining here as well, but beggars can't be choosers I guess.
The rain didn't really matter however; Nana had an overwhelming sense of calm as she made her way through the thoroughfare. She was one of thousands of dark umbrellas, making their way hurriedly to someplace or another. Her face was no-where to be seen. Everyone who knew her was friends, not just fans. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt such contentment. It was one of those moments where a sensation was so overwhelming you felt like stopping a complete stranger and telling them exactly why you felt so happy. She was brought quickly out of the daydream when she realised she bumped into someone. The woman staggered under the force of their shoulders colliding:
"Hey! Would you please watch where you're...?"
And then they caught sight of each other.
Oh my god... No...No... I... All I could do was stare.
The next instant I dropped the umbrella as I felt Hachi fall into my arms, the shock pulling both of us to the ground. I gripped Hachi's jacket tightly with one hand and clutched the back of her head with the other, desperate to feel if she was real. I buried my face in her shoulder, feeling the tears sear into my cheeks while taking in the familiar scent of her perfume through shaky breaths, she always smelt like summer – even in the rain... After a few minutes I became aware of everything that was happening around us. Her shopping bags dropped, my umbrella cast aside. We were in the middle of a moving crowd, while everyone else was walking by, I let the rain soak us, I was knelt on the pavement, holding her... Because if I'm honest, I was praying for my life that she wouldn't fade like a delicate mirage...
--
All I remember was falling into her arms. I don't think I even looked directly at her. I was too stunned; tears had already filled my eyes. I remember smelling the familiar tang of Blackstone Cherry on the lapels of her leather coat as she pressed my head gently to her shoulder, and then that was it. Everything faded out. My body had given up on me for the time being. It's strange to say in the middle of a busy high street filled with thousands of people, but I've never felt so safe in all my life... All I needed to know was that she was holding me. I'd found her.
--
Hachi awoke the find herself on her bed in 707. She sat bolt upright, getting up quickly. She walked into the main room of the apartment. Where was she? The panic that had stayed with her for the last year had started to take over again.
"Nana!" She shouted desperately. She turned hurriedly about on hearing the "click" of the bathroom door handle.
"Hachiko, would you relax? A girl's gotta have a bath right? God, I've missed that tub." Nana smiled at her, wrapping a dressing gown around herself walking towards the window.
"Still haven't kicked the habit, hmm?" Hachi questioned teasingly as Nana reached for her first cigarette of the day.
"Mm" Nana mumbled with the cigarette between her lips, shaking her head and setting the end alight with a sharp metallic 'ping' of the lighter. "I don't think I'll ever kick it. I love it too much."
Hachi subdued a laugh, rolling her eyes at the back of her friend's head. "Hey listen, I'm sorry for..." Hachi began, walking towards her.
Nana turned to from the window to look at her, a sincere and intense expression on her face. "It's okay Hachiko, you fell very gracefully." She said smiling briefly.
Hachi hated this look. It caused her to freeze. She could never be sure when Nana smiled about something serious, whether she was being sarcastic and belittling the whole thing or whether she actually meant it. Each time it terrified her, even after all this time.
"I... Hachi said, flushing scarlet instantly.
"Oh, I saved your shopping too. It might be a bit wet though." Nana said, breaking the silence and chuckling in her usual low tone. "Me personally," she continued, turning back to the window and taking another drag of her cigarette, "I can't stand shopping. It's all the bloody Londoners seem to do..."
"London?" Hachi questioned her voice cracking as her emotions got the better of her again.
Nana nodded, not turning to look at her.
Hachi continued to walk towards her.
How can she be so casual about this? We haven't seen each other for a year! Why isn't she saying anything?
Hachi stood behind Nana and slipped her arms around her waist silently, resting her chin gently on her shoulder as she did so.
Nana took the cigarette out of her mouth and stubbed it in the ash tray in front of her, exhaling the last of the smoke as she leant forward slightly.
Why is she holding me? I don't deserve to be held. A coward doesn't deserve to be held.
I didn't know what else to do. For once in my life I wanted to act on instinct. I missed her. Needed her. Holding her was the only thing that could make me believe I was still part of her life.
"You feel thin." Hachi whispered into her ear.
That's all she can say? I figured. I lifted my hand and touched her wedding ring finger.
"And you feel like you've been divorced for a long time," Nana answered back, "how's it treating you?"
Hachi shivered slightly at the contact, closing her eyes and softly frowning. One tear ran down her cheek, a perfectly straight transparent trail.
I don't get it... I- Is she concerned or was it meant to hurt me...? But then... I betrayed her. I know what I did. She needn't tell me...
She's crying, I can feel it. I don't need to see. Why do I always blame everybody else?
"I'm sorry." Both said at the same time.
"God, I am so ..." Hachi broke off mid sentence, incessant tears now silencing her, as she let go and buried her face in her hands moving away from her resting place on Nana's shoulder.
"Don't you dare! Don't you dare walk away from this without telling me how you feel!" Nana yelled, without turning around to face her. Hachi ran her fingers through her hair and bit her lip, as Nana felt her own confidence faltering from the silence that hung in the air.
"I- I'm sorry for what I did... and the saddest thing was," Hachi's voice cracked as she subdued the tears building in the back of her throat. "The saddest thing was that I knew Takumi was controlling me."
"Okay..." Nana started slowly, her eyes glazing over. "I-
"But what he did doesn't matter anymore because," Hachi interrupted, resting her forehead against Nana's back, sobbing painfully while clutching desperately at the fabric of the dressing gown at her sides.
"Because," Nana encouraged quietly, feeling a solitary tear trickle from her wide eyes and down her cheek.
Hachi clung on tighter for a moment and stared fearfully at the floor, watching as one tear ran off the tip of her nose and collided with the ground. "Because what I'm about to say is more important than he ever was."
Nana swallowed and nodded, allowing another tear to escape.
"If I told you I loved you," Hachi whispered pushing the words through the tears, "would you take it the wrong way?" She shut her eyes tight, under the illusion that it would protect her from what was coming next. She felt the fabric at the sides of Nana's dressing gown slacken as she exhaled.
What...? I can't breathe...
"Say something, Nana." Hachi demanded through gritted teeth, her voice shaking, as if the silence was tearing her up from the inside. "I can't stand –
"I'll take it however you want me to, Hachiko."
Hachi let go of the dressing gown as she felt Nana move around to face her, and Hachi stared up vulnerably into her eyes.
"I have to tell you something," Nana began, slowly enveloping the smaller figure in her arms. "I would do anything to keep you in my life, the only reason I left was because I thought that you no longer needed me in yours. I was jealous Hachiko... So when I said that I'd take it however you wanted me to, I lied. I could never love you as a friend or like a sister. I can only love you in the way I've loved you since the day I met you. A love that hurts so much, that some days; I feel like I'm drowning- but you were wrong. The saddest thing is that I've never actually been brave enough to drown."
Hachi pushed Nana gently back, holding her by her shoulders. She couldn't achieve words. Her eyes widened as she lifted her head to look up with an expression what seemed to be overwhelming shock and adoration. Tears clung to her eyes for an instant, and on blinking fell, like rain drops down a window pane. She had wondered, what she would say if it ever came to something like this, but caught between desperation and euphoria, she threw her arms around Nana, holding her as close as physically possible. Hachi grasped at the material of her dressing gown; the fabric bunching and lacing itself between her fingers as she clenched her hands.
I can actually hold you and be this close to you... I've missed you so much...
"I miss you...I need you..." She murmured through tears.
Gradually Hachi let go, and as she did so Nana lifted her chin, stroking her cheek with her thumb, then ran her fingers gently though her hair, tucking the loose strands behind her ear.
"Forgive me." Nana whispered as she leaned forward and placed a feather-light kiss on Hachi's lips. The same feeling as brushing shoulders with someone in a crowded place, no sooner has the sensation happened and yet in the same instant it vanishes. The contact was fleeting but intoxicating.
Hachi frowned, then almost instinctively, put her arms around Nana's shoulders, and whilst pulling them together, kissed her deeply. Nana grasped at the back of Hachi's head with one hand, shining auburn strands of hair falling slowly through her fingers; while sliding the other under her top, tracing the small of her back delicately. The touch sent a shiver up her spine making her catch her breath, lifting her head as she did so. Nana began littering the tensed neck muscle with kisses, nipping at the skin gently, making the tone of it flush from porcelain to a soft pink. Hachi moaned as Nana kissed her way upwards to her jaw line, tightening her hold on Nana's shoulders. They leant in to kiss each other once more.
"I want you- said Nana breathing heavily in between kisses as a single tear ran down her cheek, "I need you- " and I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough to tell you before."
Eventually they broke apart. Nose to nose and while leaning against the other's forehead, the three words that would make the next leave either of them took unbearably painful were uttered breathlessly between them:
"I love you."
--
"Gasping like someone drowning under water... In romance movies, the things heroes do are probably unrealistic..."