In my dreams I am free. I am so far away from where I am. The feel of a thousand stars continues to pulse through my failing veins. In a reality I do not care for I am to remain silent; I must voyage onwards in an unrelenting repose. I cannot peer into the past; in fear of what may peer in return. The crew only perceive me as their Captain as the last shining hope of home, simply based upon an oath forged long ago by a woman I can barely recognise. She was me but no longer is; I was never to be her future.
The fates looked away. Did they simply give up or miss my turn in the path - have they even noticed. There was a time when I believed that our lives were a journey. One that could take us anywhere, down every road and that it always ended at one particular point in time, at one particular place. I cannot believe that anymore. For I believe that my path was meant for a different suffering, it should not have been here. My wonderfully trusting crew should not have been brought to this hell. They are but innocent pawns in the twisted world of negligent fates – my fates. I have done so much to be ashamed of, to be punished for.
I loved another. My love was not reserved for my fiancé. It was I who tore our hearts first. It was I who gave my heart to another. In selfish ignorance Helena and I justified our actions. After all Starfleet had achieved and after all that our society had advanced it continually boiled down to the single fact that we were human. Humans have flaws; I loved a female Admiral ten years my senior. There was no one I could tell, no one to rejoice with our love. Instead we stayed quiet and under the radar. We were so good at deception that the unconditional kindness of a gentleman appeared another good layer to our trickery. No one could discover Helena and I if they believed that one loved a man – a good man. Unconditional kindness turns to love without either party realising. It broke our hearts but we continued in a deceptively layered friendship.
To cheat is to destroy what little trust and goodness that remains in an ever darkening world. I truly believe that I belong in a tortured reality. It continues to elude me who I cheated the most.
I believed fates played such a little role in my previous life. Now they are all I see. The fate of my crew, the fates of the individuals and the fate that awaits us all on a return to a world that cannot possibly understand what befell us in a distant quadrant. My own fate holds no concern anymore. The news of the 'lost' Captain and Admiral already broke. I will no longer need to hide my love. However, I no longer know if I am deserving or capable of such a thing. Mark and Starfleet may have pardoned us - but have we.
Reality is harsh, dreams are free, reality rarely forgives and dreams do not require such a thing. That is the lesson I now pass onto my crew – my friends. Little do they know and little do they judge. After all desperate trust becomes unconditional.
Home: the fates way to apologise to the innocent claimed in their negligence.
A/N: I know there are some out there who think Janeway was straight all the way but please respect that there are some out there who don't. The same goes with her depression, please be respectful but I would love to hear from you readers. It has been a while since I wrote voyager stories.