Hotline

This is the crackiest, worst written Marluxia/Axel ever. The only thing that would probably make this vaguely not bad is the beginning, which is the only part I honestly like. Seriously, it'll make your brain fall out your ears if you read this entire thing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Hello! You've reached Best Friends Forever! You get yourself rejected; we'll make you feel accepted!"

Axel stared incredulously at the cell phone in his hands before slowly bringing it back to his ear.

"Hello?" He started cautiously, and was immediately greeted by the overly happy recorded voice.

"Press one for English!" It said. Axel dialed 'one' and waited.

"Press one for a pet! Press two for a female friend! Press three for a male friend! And if you're really desperate, press four for a date and we'll locate some loser in your area!" Axel was impressed. The hotline was the single rudest thing he'd ever come across, second to himself of course.

Well, maybe third, to his former best friend, Roxas.

A twinge of regret twisted in his heart.

Axel had recently lost his best friend of six years, over a girl.

He didn't want Naminé, so he told Roxas he could have her.

Not exactly in that wording, but the picture has been painted.

And then Roxas told off Axel, loudly and violently in front of the entire school during lunch. Axel was incredibly prideful, and argued back just as angrily. Then fists entered the scene, and then they both got suspended.

And their friendship paid the price.

So that was basically how Axel got himself into this situation. After a while (a 'while' meaning 'two days'), Axel began to feel increasingly lonely and depressed. He wasn't the type to make friends with a snap of his fingers (his attitude problem usually caused that barrier).

And then he saw the billboard as he was sulking on his roof.

'We find you a friend, you'll make it never end! That's right, you'll get a Best Friend and phone bills that'll make you cry blood! Call us now: 1-555-BFF-4EVR!!'

Yeah.

And currently, Axel had finally made his choice. He dialed 'three'.

"Thank you for your choice and money! An operator will be with you in just a moment!" The recorded voice chirped. Badly chosen music began to play into Axel's ear, and he twitched as twenty minutes passed with the same song over and over again. And even worst, Axel was getting into it.

"T to the A, to the S T E Y, girl you're tasty!" Axel sang in what he thought was quietly.

"I know I'm delicious." A female voice responded over the phone. Axel almost fell off the chair but instead glared at the phone.

"Glaring at inanimate objects will get you nowhere. So, can we please get this over with? I have a date with a whip and a pair of handcuffs." The operator snapped. Axel twitched.

"What do you need to know?" He asked. The operator sighed.

"God, a new one. All right, what's your name?" She questioned. Axel bit his tongue to refrain from an insult.

"Axel Chakram. Got it memorized?" He replied. Barely muffled snickering was heard over the phone. Axel's right eye flickered up for a second.

"All right, age?" She asked.

"Seventeen."

"Sex? And do not answer with 'Yes please!' That is unbelievably lame and it makes me so annoyed when they do it anyway." The operator complained. Axel nodded in sympathy, forgetting that he was on the phone.

"I know what you mean. I'm a nurse intern, and I get pissed when I ask 'length' to some guy, and they know I mean 'height' but they answer with some number like eight inches!" Axel groused. The operator chuckled and some shuffling was heard.

"I hate the situation. So, by your argument and your voice, I'm going to assume you're a guy, correct?" She asked.

"Right."

"Okay then, next question. What is your hair color?"

"Red."

"What is your favorite color?"

"Red."

"Egotistical bastard, I see. Eye color?"

"Green."

"I would've hung up on you in a second if the answer was red. All right, what would you like in a friend?"

Axel didn't even hesitate.

"I'd like someone who can handle me and my attitude, who doesn't bind themselves to the stereotypes of life, and someone who is as rude as I am."

"Wow. That is…going to be so hard to find. But hey, we'll call you when we find someone, okay?" The operator assured. Axel rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Fine. Sure. Whatever." He snapped.

"Have a nice day! I sure am, after all, you basically just made my paycheck!" The operator cooed, and a dial tone was heard before Axel could say anything.

"Well, that was odd." Axel mumbled.

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"Yo Axel! You back with Rox' again?" Axel's acquaintance (and by acquaintance, he meant annoying brat that wouldn't leave him alone) Demyx Sitar asked. Axel glared at him sideways.

"Why, gee, why in the world am I standing here talking with you of all people when Roxas is still my friend? Jinkies, what a mystery!" Axel sarcastically snapped. Demyx rolled his eyes.

"Whatever man, just say sorry. You guys were the model best friends, even I was jealous of you for a while! Well, until I met Auron." Demyx mumbled with a slight blush. Axel stopped completely.

"Auron Bushido?! That scary big guy that hangs out with Tidus, Wakka, Rikku, and Yuna?! He is your friend?" Axel exclaimed incredulously. He was surprised. The man looked like he was caught in one gang fight too many.

"Geez, you don't have to be so excited. He's a nice guy, and not many people stop to get to know him." Demyx muttered. Axel smirked and leaned towards the blond.

"So, where'd you meet him?" He asked slyly. Demyx tapped his chin in a pensive manner.

"I was at that club, 'The Underworld', y'know the one owned by Hades?" He started. Axel nodded, sitting down on the ledge in front of the school. Demyx followed suit.

"Well, I got a bit lost there, and I kind of bumped into him while I was drunkenly trying to find my way to the door. After that, he took me home and I just started talking to him. Did you know he actually works at The Underworld? Now I can get in free!" Demyx said. Axel clicked his tongue in his mouth and grinned.

"What about Zexion? You like him, don't you?" Axel taunted. Demyx looked at him blankly.

"You mean that asshole that works with Xemnas? I can't stand him, so why would you think I like him?" Demyx asked, honestly disturbed at the prospect.

"No reason, just trying to get my social foundations straight." Axel replied. Demyx looked suspicious and they both got quiet.

"Fergilicious definition make the boys go loco—" Axel fumbled into his pocket to pull out his cell phone as Demyx stared at him strangely.

"Fergilicious?" Demyx mouthed. Axel quickly mouthed back a "Shut up!"

"Hello?" Axel greeted.

"Is this Axel Chakram?" A male sounding voice asked him, making Axel cock an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Yes, this is. Who wants to know?" Axel bit. Demyx, who was listening in on the conversation, snickered at Axel's rude tone.

"Don't be such an asshole. This is Marluxia Scythe, your contact from Best Friends Forever." The voice snapped back. Axel raised both eyebrows and sneaked a look at Demyx, who was watching him with a weird look.

"Right. That's nice. So, what am I supposed to do with you?" Axel asked. Marluxia made what sounded almost like a purr.

"If you're hot, then you can do whatever you want." He replied sensuously. Axel laughed and Demyx almost giggled.

"Did I call a phone sex line on accident, or are you just a freak?" Axel sniped. Demyx rolled his eyes and Marluxia chuckled.

"I wouldn't be calling anyone a freak if I were you, 'Pyro'." Marluxia taunted. Axel twitched.

"How did you find out about that?"

"I know a lot of things about you."

"Freak."

"Pyro."

"Asshole."

"Can you really talk?"

Axel immediately hung up his phone. Demyx looked vaguely freaked out.

"Best Friends Forever hotline?" He asked warily. Axel sighed and looked at him with narrowed eyes.

"I'm lonely and I have no one. It was a last resort, and I'll personally burn you and turn your bones into ashes if you dare to tell." Axel threatened. Demyx held up his hands in a peacemaking gesture and smiled at Axel.

"Hey, it's all good. If it makes you feel any better, I'm your friend." Demyx said. Axel smirked at him.

"Thanks."

"No problem. So, since we're buds and all, how about the number to that cute guy next door to you?" Demyx asked, waggling his eyebrows comically. Axel rolled his eyes.

"Why not? It's not like Hayner has anything else to do." He muttered. Demyx grinned and patted his shoulder.

"Demyx, time to go!!!" A deep voice boomed from the parking lot. Demyx yelled back a "In a minute!" and turned back to Axel.

"Have fun with your new best friend Axel!" Demyx exclaimed, and ran to a dark, tinted car.

Although, when the window rolled down, Axel could've sworn his saw the ruggedly scarred face of Auron in the car.

He shuddered in fear.

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"Fergilicious definition-" Axel flipped open his phone.

"Hello?" He greeted.

"Hello to you too, Pyro." Marluxia's tenor greeted back. Axel prepared to press 'End'.

"Don't hang up the phone, okay? God, I don't even know you but it's already obvious that you require an attitude adjustment." Marluxia complained. Axel rolled his eyes and leaned onto the lamppost in front of the school.

"Whatever, just don't bother me about my attitude. What do you want from me?" Axel snapped.

"I was called and told that they found the perfect match for me. And then they gave me your number, and I called, like I'm doing now. I don't know how the hell you can be my match for a friend, so far you seem rude, selfish, self-centered, and self-serving." The man explained. Axel bit his tongue before answering.

"I'm not sorry for being me. Why don't you waste more of your money and call the hotline one more time to get someone else?" Axel said. Marluxia sighed exasperatedly.

"I can't, okay? If I could, I would. So, I still have your number, and you're still going to answer the phone." Marluxia growled. Axel blinked.

"What makes you think I'll answer the phone for someone like you?" He asked, honestly surprised. Marluxia made a sardonic sounding chuckle.

"You can't change your number, given the financial situation of your family. You can't let the phone calls pile up because then you wouldn't know who was calling. And you can't back down from a challenge." Marluxia chortled, snickering in amusement. Axel felt his eye twitch.

"How do you know all of these things?" Axel asked warily. Marluxia laughed harder.

"I can't tell you that until we get to know each other better." Axel almost snarled, but then realized that he was still outside in public.

"Fine, what do you want to talk about?" He asked, walking in the direction of his apartment. He heard some shuffling over the earpiece and assumed Marluxia was getting situated.

"All right, how about why you even called the hotline?"

Axel flinched, gaining some odd looks from the pedestrians walking past him.

"Damn, I wasn't really expecting that. Well, I've only had one real friend for most of my life, everyone else I just met and they stuck onto me, and I kinda pissed him off. Like, major." Axel said. Marluxia made a clicking noise with his tongue.

"What'd you do?"

"I called his crush a pasty white bitch that reminded me of glue because she sticks to you and drips a lot."

"You are an asshole."

"I am, aren't I?"

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"Axel, get off the damn phone and help me out here!" Axel's father, Zack Chakram, yelled as the redhead walked into the door. Axel rolled his eyes at demand and walked straight to his room.

"Why didn't you go help your dad?" Marluxia asked idly. Axel shrugged, forgetting that he was on the phone.

"I didn't feel like it." Axel said. His door burst open and Axel almost dropped the phone as his little brother, Timon, rushed in.

"Axel, dad said get your skinny behind down there to help him or he's cutting off your phone. Now, I'm going to Pumbaa's!" Timon exclaimed quickly, and ran right back out.

"Right, I've got to go. Don't bother calling me again; I'm not going to answer." Axel said.

"Sure you aren't. Bye, Pyro." Marluxia said and a dial tone was heard. Axel groaned and got up. He walked to the room where he father was struggling.

"Dad…what are you doing?" The redhead asked suspiciously as his father held the computer monitor at gunpoint. Zack looked up at him and grinned sheepishly, putting the gun back into its holster.

"I was trying to get the computer to work, but the goddamn thing refuses to turn on!" Zack kicked at the tower. Axel looked around the room and saw a plug lying on the ground. Bending down, he plugged it back in and looked at his father in an expression that screamed 'you idiot'.

"Goodbye dad." Axel finally said and turned around.

"Wait!" Zack exclaimed and grabbed onto his middle son's arm. Axel twitched.

He should really get that checked out.

"Axel, I know you feel depressed over Roxas, and I wanted you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm here." Zack said passionately, tears brimming at his eyes.

Axel punched him.

"Goodbye dad." And he stomped off. Zack rubbed his aching cheek and pulled out his cell phone. Speed-dialing 'one', he waited for the person to pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Seph'! Axel really does love me!"

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

In American Literature:

"Fergilicious definition make the boys go loco—" Axel quickly answered his phone.

"Hello?" He whispered, looking up to make sure that Mr. Sid didn't see him.

"Hello there, Pyro." Marluxia purred.

"Why the hell are you calling me?!" Axel growled lowly into the phone, covering his mouth with his hand.

"I just want to get you in trouble."

"Mr. Chakram. Your phone please." Mr. Sid commanded.

"Shit."

In the bathroom:

"Fer—" Axel immediately answered the phone that he recently got back.

"Hello?"

"Hey Pyro." Axel felt his hand clench.

"Why do you insist on calling me?"

"Because it amuses me to no end how annoyed you get with me."

"I hate you."

On the roof of his apartment:

"I'm SUPER! Thanks—" Axel smiled at his changed ring tone, programmed mainly to Marluxia's number. Answering it, he grinned.

"Hello?"

"For some reason, I feel like you know something and I don't."

"Of course, and guess what I'm doing now?"

"Hanging up?"

"You bet." And he pressed 'End'. Sighing in relaxation, Axel laid on the roof in happiness.

Until the phone vibrated in his pocket unexpectedly. Losing his grip on the roof, Axel began to slip down the bumpy slope.

And the redhead went tumbling down, latching onto the gutters at the last minute. Frantically looking around, he saw various neighbors staring out their windows curiously at him.

"What the hell—?! Help me, you dumbasses!" Axel shrieked, still hanging for dear life.

"Let go." A calm baritone commanded. Axel was incredulous, but he didn't dare look down.

"Why the fuck should I do that?!" He screamed.

"Just do it."

"This isn't a fucking Nike commercial!!!"

"Let go!"

"Fine!" And Axel let go, only to fall straight into Sephiroth's (his father's friend) arms. Cloud looked at him from the side.

"Are you okay?"

"I…hate…you…all." Axel muttered and passed out. Cloud shrugged and they went inside Zack's house.

"We found this outside, hanging from your gutter, Zack. Zack?" Cloud looked around and found the assumed adult typing something on the computer, looking rather excited about it.

"What are you doing?" Sephiroth asked, throwing Axel on the couch. Zack looked up at him.

"Oh. OH! Where did you guys come from?" He asked. Cloud scoffed.

"Rescuing your kid from a potential suicide. Where were you?" Cloud asked, lightly punching Sephiroth when the tall man coughed "Not there" into his fist. Zack winced.

"Yeah, I heard that commotion outside. I couldn't really stop though, because I found something of the awesome definition!!" Zack exclaimed, turning back to the computer. Sephiroth and Cloud moved closer to the black-haired man.

"What is it?" Cloud asked.

"Spike, it's called Fan Fiction!" Zack announced, excitedly pointing at the monitor. Sephiroth examined it.

"I see. And what are you doing right now?"

"I'm leaving a review, see?" And Zack moved out the way so his two friends could see the screen.

Review Story: Hotline - Chapter: 1

Signed: BusterSwordyLvr333

Review:

lol i laughed soooooo hard!

this was berry, berry funneh, and i wanna see more!

update plz?

Cloud ran off to puke at the spelling (being the Grammar Nazi he is) and Sephiroth twitched. Several times in rapid subsequence, as a matter of fact.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't think we graduated from the same middle school, high school, and college."

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"Are you still trying to get his number?" Demyx asked Axel the next day during lunch. Axel broke off his wistful staring at Roxas to answer.

"Yeah. Why do you ask?"

"No reason, just wanna see if we're still cool."

"Thanks?"

"You're welcome!" And Demyx skipped off, accidentally running into Zexion.

"Watch the where the hell you're going!" Demyx growled, picking up the books on the ground and pushing them into Zexion's arms. The lilac-haired student sneered and licked his lips in an annoyed fashion. Axel watched, just because he needed something to get his attention off his ex-best friend.

"Moron, maybe you should stop walking backwards and then you can tell me to watch where I'm going." Zexion snarled. Demyx flushed in embarrassment and clenched his fist.

"Fuck you!" He yelled, and stalked off. Zexion looked at him in contempt, and walked to Axel's lunch table.

"What a dumbass." Zexion muttered as he sat in front of Axel. The redhead looked at him in disinterest.

"What was that all about?" He asked. Zexion snorted.

"I have no idea, but everyone thinks we're made for each other, and I'm honestly sick of it. I don't even like the moron." The lilac-haired teen complained. Axel smirked.

"Why do they think you were made for each other?"

"My birthday is June 6th, and I think his is September 9th."

"So what?"

"69."

"Oh. OH."

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"So, everyone thinks they're meant to be because their birthdays equal a popular gay sex position?" Marluxia asked. Axel snickered. He found himself talking to Marluxia more and more these days.

"That's right."

"Wow, I'd hate to go to your school." Marluxia mused aloud. Axel scoffed.

"Whatever. I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now." He retorted.

"Because despite never seeing me, you get a hard on every time you hear my voice." Marluxia automatically replied. Axel sneered at the phone.

"I really do hate you."

"Let's see how much you hate me after meeting me in person." Marluxia taunted, laughing when he heard Axel's indignant sputter.

"What the hell?!" Axel yelled.

"Don't yell; I'm more sensitive than you think asshole. But yes, I'll meet you on Thursday, at The Sandlot. That place owned by Seifer, the scary guy, and at six, all right?" Marluxia said. Axel glared at the phone.

"Did you just schedule an entire date without me agreeing?" He asked.

"Yes. Oh, and you should really apologize to Roxas. Really." And he hung up.

Axel almost slammed the phone into the ground, but not before looking up to see the vivid blue eyes of his ex-best friend.

"Hello…Roxas." Axel greeted. Roxas narrowed his eyes.

"What were you talking about on the phone? I heard my name somewhere in there." He demanded. Axel looked at the traitorous communication system and smirked at Roxas.

"Why, I was talking about how much I utterly hated your girlfriend and how I desired her death over the finest of gold!" Axel mocked, leaning onto the wall of the school. Roxas stepped closer to him, glaring heatedly.

"Don't make fun of me. Now, what did you really mean?" Roxas asked calmly. Axel sighed and pocketed his cell phone.

"Fine, I'm sorry I called your girlfriend a pasty white bitch who reminded me of glue because she was sticky and always dripped and how I said she was a creatively artistic whore who used men's dicks as paintbrushes and the blood as red paint and how she had an ass that reminded me of a hardwood floor because everyone walks on it and its flat as hell and how her boobs were practically nonexistent and how her hair is totally bleached because who can't see her roots and for calling you a blind moron for liking her. Can you ever forgive me?" Axel said.

Roxas punched him. Twice. With both hands.

"Now I forgive you." Roxas said with a bright smile. Axel rubbed his cheeks and pouted before grinning back at Roxas.

"Thanks!"

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"And how did you know he was coming up, freak?" Axel asked the next day, back to his position of leaning onto the wall of the school.

"I didn't. I just suggested that you do something, and you did it. I'm impressed." Marluxia replied. Axel rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. Just let me know one thing, why did you ask me on a date when you don't even know me?" Axel questioned. Marluxia snickered.

"I know you better than you think. And besides, haven't you always wanted to see me?"

"No."

"Asshole."

"That's nice." Axel pressed 'End'.

What in the world was he going to wear to that date tomorrow?

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"I hear you've got a date tomorrow." Zack said as he typed more things on the computer. Axel blinked.

"How did you find out about that?" He asked warily. Zack grinned and twirled around in the chair to face Axel.

"I've got connections!" He said enigmatically. Axel threw his butter knife and Zack, who dodged it effortlessly.

"All right, I got Seph' to bug your phone."

"You did what?!"

"I knew you'd react badly."

"I hate you!"

And Axel ran to his room.

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"How the fuck am I supposed to identify this guy?" Axel snarled as he fixed his shirt for the umpteenth time.

"You waitin' for someone, y'know?" The bulky waiter asked. Axel glared at him.

"I actually don't know him, but yes I am waiting, do you know where he is?" Axel snapped. Raijin shrugged and went off to get someone else's order.

"Damn, you really are an asshole." Axel almost cracked his neck with how fast he turned around to see how was talking to him.

"Marluxia?"

The light-red-almost-pink haired young man smirked at him with sensuous lips. He winked one of his violet eyes.

"The one and only, asshole."

"I still hate you."

"Of course you do."

Axel glared at him and sipped at his glass of water.

"So, how do you know almost everything about me?" Axel asked, attempting to strike up conversation. Marluxia smiled sadistically.

"I work for the FBI."

"Seriously?"

"No, just Google."

"Oh, that explains everything. How old are you anyway?"

"Seventeen."

"And you work for Google?"

"That's right, and you're still an annoying bitchy asshole student in high school. Shame, isn't it?" Marluxia mocked, grinning in a way that made Axel blink.

He grinned like that all the time.

Freaky.

Speaking of freaks…

"Whatever, freak. You should have lots of friends, shouldn't you? So why did you call that friendship hotline?" Axel wondered aloud. Marluxia pursed his lips and sighed.

"I only have two friends." He said. Axel cocked an eyebrow.

"Who?"

"Larxene and you."

"Who's Larxene?"

"The bitchy operator you spoke to."

"…Fuck."

"Fuck indeed."

They both fell into silence and Axel was sad to see that half his water was gone.

"Wait, you said I'm your friend?" The redhead asked randomly. Marluxia nodded and smirked.

"Why? You're gonna freak out?" He taunted.

"Why must you have such little faith in my emotions?" Axel whined jokingly. Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"Duh, because you're such a selfish asshole that you have none." The other redhead explained. Axel childishly stuck out his tongue and Marluxia laughed.

Maybe this guy wasn't so bad after all…

H-O-T-L-I-N-E

"How did you like the date?" Marluxia asked idly as they stood outside. Axel frowned.

"It was…okay. Although, looking at your face did kind of, you know, ruin the entire thing." Axel mused. Marluxia rolled his eyes and the redhead smirked.

"But hey, I'm willing to try again."

END

This was the absolute worst thing I've ever written, but I put too much time sneaking into this.

So, uh, yeah. I give you the option of flaming me, because I totally deserve it.