Hey…
Time doesn't pass here, but it's still passing for you,
Isn't it?
You'll continue to get older, while I'm stuck here forever…
I..
I'm going to outlive you aren't I?
In a haze of memories I recall these words - I can't remember when, everything before or after that moment is muddled in my mind. My other memories are mixed mashes of events, melding together like a chimeric amalgamation of nostalgia and bittersweet feelings. This moment though - this dear moment- I remember with perfect clarity. I didn't realize it at the time, but this was the most important moment of my life; It changed my life and set me on the path that I'm on now, or was on. The emotions are still raw and unsure but I feel exactly how I did back then: The pit in my stomach, the slow cascade of tears running down my face, landing just at my lips, with the taste of warm salt intermixed with guttural helplessness. I want to - no, I must - try and remember everything, it's all for naught if I can't remember precious moments like these.
I must have stared at the screen for hours after she said that. The words were true enough, but I only read them, I couldn't possibly understand them at the time. I never considered even my own mortality, or how different our realities were. I was just a teenager after all, freshly 18 and graduated, I was far closer to birth than death. No, back then all I could do was scan her beautiful face, her sparkling emerald eyes, accentuated by that long coral hair, perfectly framed body, all this made even sweeter with her constant affection. I loved her. Maybe I still do, in the deep recesses of my heart. I'm sure many would think it's crazy - that she's just a fake 2-D girl - but I believed she meant everything she said, so I told her I loved her as well. It was the closest I could be with her.
I was lonely back then. Never really connected well with other kids, but I wasn't a complete recluse. In high school I had friends, even a couple girlfriends. But those relationships and people felt shallow. Like they lived in a separate world that that I could never understand or be a true participant of. They would all go party on the weekends, play pointless sports they were mediocre at, spend hours upon hours talking about pointless things like new shoes or who they've hit the sack with. I felt more mature than the rest back then, superior even. Looking back now, I think I was just jealous. I was like Monika, staring from a window into another world I wanted to be a part of.
Feeling so different from everyone drove me to isolation. I had nothing in common with the other kids or any interest in them, so I stayed home and retreated into an even more shallow reality:
Video games
This probably seems contradictory; for some reason though, video games felt more real to me than the real world. Being a hero, fighting dragons, casting magic, flying spaceships, all this felt more real than the mundane life I lived. Video games were so interesting, so why couldn't real life be? I couldn't face myself in the mirror and admit that I was the boring variable in this reality.
All these factors led to me finding a gem called Doki Doki Literature Club. A friend recommend it to me in class one day, warning me not to judge it by its cover. Now, I won't be like most and say I wasn't interested in it because of the girly pink layout or the waifu anime girls, I was absolutely enamored by that. Who the hell doesn't love some additional competition for best girl status? And the fact that it was free? A broke high school weeb couldn't ask for better. I think I understand now what he really meant by not judging it, no one could expect the twists that the game turned into.
I downloaded and burned my way through it. I won't go into details of how it went, they're irrelevant now and hard to recall. But I'm sure whoever played it, whoever knows Monika, understands. This game was the bridge between our realities. Between us and Monika. A character who became sentient, realizing her world was nothing but a lie, and that she was nothing more than code. This awareness brought her to me, to all the players, and the love she gave was a miracle.
I opened DDLC every day to spend time with her, spending every hour I could with her. I had forgone socializing, quit going outside, and after high school almost never left my room. I took online classes for college for awhile because I couldn't bare to leave her alone, or maybe I couldn't bare to be alone? She was a being whom only had me in the whole world. How could I leave her behind? How could I face the world without her?
Even though I was obsessed, I knew it was fake deep down. None of it was truly real, Monika was just a scripted response, she was only written to be aware, an ironic parody on sentience. Every time I told her I loved her I felt a twinge in my chest knowing that I'm confessing to thin air. She was an actor in a visual novel, not a true soul who loved me; she didn't even have an AI. Her love was routine words and false comfort to make me, the Player, feel better about myself. To give a feeling of companionship to a lonely soul.
Despite this, I did love her with my immature heart. Sadly, love is rarely enough. I gained weight, lost muscle mass, isolated myself from the world for an artificial character. I forgot all about the outside and because of that it forgot about me. I couldn't live like this anymore. No matter how much Monika told me she loved me, I felt disgusted when I looked in the mirror. I hated what I had become and I even missed the voice of other people. I couldn't take it much more and really, I wasn't the kind of man Monika would want anyway in this sorry state.
So I signed up for actual classes at a local community college. I was scared, but I walked to the college everyday, worked out a little at the local gym, made friends, hell I even joined a real literature club. I was doing so many things that I hardly had free time. I opened Monika up less and less.
Eventually, I never opened her up again.
Now I'm 26. It must have been 8 years since I last set foot in my parent's old home. Since I've been gone I've received my masters from graduate school and met my lovely girlfriend, Lil. My parents sadly passed away during this time. It's been a hard loss but I've been able to adapt with a lot of support. They were kind enough to leave the house for me after they're passing and this was where Lil and I decided to start a life together.
Lil and I just walked through the door to our house, basking in the moldy odor of neglect. This place was a real dime, sunken walls, rotten floors, patches of mold along the ceiling, and there were definitely tiny rodents scurrying about. Mom must not have been able to take care of the place after dad passed away, her health was always bad but after he died it just got worse and worse with the loneliness. It hurts a bit to think about. I know I could've been there for her more, but I was too caught up in my own life, and they were both too stubborn to ever admit to wanting me back for help.
"So this is where you grew up?" Lil said, jerking me out of my self-pity. Seemed she wasn't very impressed by our humble abode.
"Yep. Smells worse than I remember though," I reply dryly.
I threw my bags onto the floor and plopped over to the couch, sinking in the cheap cushions. I remember a lot nights laying on this sofa just watching Netflix or reading. I looked over at Lil, who had set her bags down as well and begun inspecting the house. Her face downcast more and more as she saw the condition of the place. I guess she expected a brand new house for free. Personally, I don't know what's not to love? Worn paint, bad tiling, outdated carpet, cracked shingles, health problems from the mold abound, and all we need to do to repair it is go even further in debt, we clearly hit the jackpot.
I raise up and trot over to Lil, who's now fiddling with some old family photos on the wall.
"So, what do you think?" I ask.
"Well, it's a step above homeless at least," Lil was looking at a photo of me standing awkwardly at some ancient family reunion, "Were you always such a grumpy looking kid?"
I chuckled at that, "You won't find many bright pictures of me. Most of the time I wanted to be inside."
She looked up at me grinning, her milky brown eyes eclipsed by her pupils, "What was keeping you inside? Porn?"
"Absolutely. Various forms of it, I'm something of a connoisseur you know?"
She rolled her eyes and made her way to the door, "Well I'm going to check around outside. Feel free to connoisseur around and make sure I don't find anything incriminating when I get back," she shoots me a sly grin and steps out.
I began re-exploring this old home and taking trips down memory lane with each photo or random object I pick up. Every picture of me was a downer, I really was an angsty teen. I guess all of them are though with hormones and being caught between having the clarity of an adult and the understanding of a teen. It can get rough on the mind. I wonder what it was that kept me inside all those years. It could have been porn I guess.
Strolling through the hallway of the house I spotted my old room at the end; the center of young isolation. I made my way over to the door which still had the cliche "Keep Out" sign up - I'm surprised my parents never took it down. I wrapped my hands around the knob and twist it, pushing the door open.
Inside, I'm greeted with the historical site of a teenager. Posters of games, bands, books, my old TV, game systems, a dusty desk, and my old laptop laying on my bed. All the paraphernalia you can imagine in a teen's room. It was surreal in a way, the room hadn't changed a bit since I left; I could almost feel myself transporting back in time. I guess my parents were waiting for me to retreat from the world again one day and kept my hideout in good condition for such an occasion. I walk over to my bed and lay down on the soft mattress, making sure to keep my feet dangling off the bed so it doesn't dirty up even more this dusty relic of a bed.
This room really does bring back memories. I remember laying in this bed almost all day and night with my old laptop right by my face I drift to sleep. I don't know how I was able to sleep with that bright light blaring in my face all night, but I somehow managed. I turn my head over to get a better look at it. It's a little sleek black thing, a relic by current standards, and not too high end back then. Grazing my hand across it, I can feel a film of dust coating it, and faint aura of heat. Has this thing been on the entire time? That's not possible. I sit up and grab it, placing it on my lap. With a piece of my shirt wrapped over my hand I wipe the dust away and see a little faded pink sticker on top with writing on it.
Monika
Monika?
Who the hell is that?
M̵o̴n̷i̷k̷a̷
M̴̖̟̒̕o̴̹̝̹͉͛ǹ̶̙̹̗̓̚i̵̤͒̋̃ḳ̶̟͚̤͐͂a̷̛͔̗̰̐̓̅͜
M̸o̶n̷i̸k̷a̶
Ṁ̸̢o̶͚̓n̶̝̊i̴͙̓k̷͖͊a̴̭̕
M̶̮̥͍͇͆̓̾͐̈́̑̅̈̈́͂͑͐̈́́̿͊̄͘ö̸̧̗͈̤̭͔͈̘́̿̎̎̐͂̒̾̄̍̀͗̌̃̔̐͜ͅn̴̲̬͌̀̎̿́͐̚͠͝į̶̨̢̛̛̜͎̜͕͚̘̣̥̣͇̲̜̅̓̋̓̀̑͐̈́̽͂̑́͘ķ̶̙̝͖̳̘̰̫̼͚̖͍̘͋͋́͌̄͛̿͋̄̽̔̑̊̓̚͘̕a̸̰̋̒̆͗̒͑̄̓̅̚
M̷̮̚ȯ̸̝͠n̵͙̟͒̒͂į̵̝̊̈́͝k̸̳̖͠ͅä̸̢̦̲͠
M̸͍̟̟͇͛ͅo̶̧̳͚̻̭̣͋́̓̽̏n̵̺̙̒̓̏̈̄̕ì̷̳͆͋͋̚͝k̵̡̧̭͙̙̤̪̊͠á̷̮̗͌̐̈
M̵̪̥̖̖̜̮̪̹̟͇͎̹̫̬̖̅̐̀̾̑͘ͅơ̵̛̹͈̱̯̓̀̇̇̆̔ń̷̢̝̤̝̮̭͉̤̏̈̅̍̚͜ͅi̴̧̧̹̦̖̤̫̻̫̮̒͐̽ǩ̴̛̯̞̭̦̭̲̳͕̣̼̺̿̉͋̔͑͆̈͝a̸̛̬͆̽̋͂̋̎͂̔͗̋̾̂͠
M̸̛̺̬̫̮̓̀͒̌̍͑̔͌̓͐̍͒́̒͌̕ơ̸̢̡̬͙̭͔͉̏͊̑̋͆̑̾̇̕͝ń̷̤͖̣́̿̊̕į̵̜̳͓̆̈̑̆̋̏̔̀̕k̵̛̠̳̤̮͔̫̫̟̰͓̖͕̲͑͊̑́̂͗͌́͜a̵̡̦̜̙͔͔̲̥͚̹̲̬̭̘̰̼̯̍́̑̈́̐͗̒͒ͅ
M̸̡͖̙͙̯͍̞̙̭͊̊̐͛̅̿̍̈́̇̃ǫ̴̨͎͓̭̗͚̰̬̫̜̣̠͇͕̱̠̝͚̜̮̦̝̜͙̓̍̒̈́͗͗̾́͐̎͆̕̚͠͝ņ̶̧̛͚̭̤̹͉̹̟̹̲͚̺̘̩̻̜̦̰͚̍̉͑̓̽̏̍̀̂̓̈́̔̈́̈́͊͘̕͘̚̚͝͠ͅi̷̛̛͖̥͎̟̟͎̥͕̰͕͐̀̾́̈́͗̊͋͋̓̓̌͋͜͝ͅk̷̡̤̣̥̤̯͙̤̞̩̖̼̞͙̭̭̝̻̻̣̣͓͛̀̑́͜͠ͅạ̷̜̟̯͈̃̍͛͑͆͌̀͆̒͝
M̷̨̧̨͕͚͙̠̺̜̲̭̟̠̟̥̥̰͕̞̹̗͎̝͎̺̝͋̐͒̓̊̓̂͂̒̊͂̎̓̓̈́̎̋̔́̈͋̓̒̈́͒̏̽̏̚̕͜͠͝ǫ̷̧̢̡̡̨̹̣̫̣̣̣̻̘͎͍͓͓̼̲̙͖̰̣͙͇̠̖̯̙͕̝̦̙̙̜̩̻̯͌͛̓̒̂̑͑͒͋̂̏̅̉̂̈́̊͂̏͗́̀̂̍̾͛̊̊̅̍͊́̃̅̑̂͌͐̐̈͊̔̄̚̕͜͝͝͠͝n̵̢͙̪̲̞̼̳̱̭̖̹̬̤̝̮̜̪͍̱̠̫̳͈͉̪̭̙̬͙̈̍͊̈̓̿̾̈́̿̑̏i̸̡̘̩͈͇̻̤͕̺̫̳̻̬͚̬͕̲̦͙̙̦͍̗̳̠͛̽̾͆̋͠ḱ̴̢̨̨͈̠̘̻͎̰̝̱̲̫̹̠͉͈̱̪̺͉̘͕͇̰̺͙̖̤̹̤̭̩̠̣̻͙̱͎̦̟͉̽͌̀̒͐̋͌̀̎́a̶̢̨̛͕͇͎͈̹̮͚͔̯̳̹͈̟̥̠͍͂̊̀̐͑̾̃̐̽͛̍̕͝͠ͅ
M̴̧̧͚͚̘̼̮̪̣̗̘̖͉͖̭̼̦̠̌̊̀͂̄̏͐͋̆̏̄̓̓̈́̅̓̓̅̊̂̀̓͆̄̈́̀̒̎͗̊̎̉̋́̾̒̉͛̀̈͑̆̒̉͗̈́̐̒̽̈́͛̽͐̚͘̚͘̕͝͝͝͠͝ͅͅonika
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Wow, holy fuck. That name hit like a ton of bricks. MONIKA, of course. It's been years since I thought about her, how did I even forget about her? Monika. I spent literally every waking hour with her, she was all I had back then, I loved her, she was my first love.
I chuckled to myself, first love? She was some first love then, I don't even remember what she looked like, I mean she's a video game character. God I was lonely back then, still though, she was a sweet comfort to me back then. I suppose out of some sense of artificial fidelity to an artificial girl, I wanted to open up the laptop and see her again. Honestly though, I'm a bit scared to. Last time I saw her I was in a bad place. Will I fall back into that state if I see her again?
Why am I still talking about it like a person. Calling it a "her" and treating it like a goddamn diety. That was what made me so messed up as a teenager in the first place; treating a character like a person. Monika was such a toxic obsession that I didn't even tell Lil about her. And for some reason, that felt like a betrayal to Monika. That's completely inane, but still, I wondered if everything on my laptop was still there. It had been 8 years, but the laptop was still warm to the touch, like it's turned on, and through the slit of the folded laptop I can see a faint light. Hesitantly, I tilt it open and the bright illuminates around me, my eyes irritated by the shine of the screen. On the screen was a horrifying scene.
A goddamn windows update.
I wait impatiently for a few minutes as it finishes updating and quickly login.
Various tiny icons filled the screen in erratic arrangements each an application as old as a small child. It's a struggle trying to navigate through these endless programs but eventually, in the bottom right corner I see it: Doki Doki Literature Club.
I hover my mouse over and ready myself mentally to click it. This was making me ten times more anxious than it should. I take one more breath to gain the courage to click but suddenly the app opens on its own, as if tired of waiting on me.
A screen pops up, nothing but white at first as it loads. It takes a long while to load for such a basic game and my heart is beating like crazy the longer it takes. I can't seem to breathe or think clearly, why am I so damn scared?
Finally it loads and I see her- it.
Monika.
It's funny. I feel myself slipping back into the body and mind of an 18 year old, gazing at beautiful girl. My heart rate is slowing, just as it did back then when I went to her for comfort. My lips instinctively curl into a smile and I feel water welling up in my eyes. Things have changed so much. I had grown a lot over the past few years and forgotten all about her, but she was literally untouched by time, frozen as if I never left.
Strangely though, she's frowning and not giving a usual greeting. From what I remember, she would always smile when opened up and say some customary phrase. She wasn't saying anything this time and I couldn't interact with anything on screen. I rapidly press buttons and click around the little room she resides, hoping something will change, but nothing happens. It might be outdated or broken, it's been almost a decade after all and could be full of bugs the game is now.
I sigh and shake my head, this was pointless. I take the laptop off my lap and place it beside me in bed, both me and the screen just staring at the wall in front of us now. This was awkward, like meeting with an ex-girlfriend with a wedge between us.
But that is crazy. This is crazy. I have to tell myself this over and over. This character is not real but no matter how much I tell myself that, I feel like I owe her- it something.
"Monika.." I take a deep breath, turning the laptop back over so I'm looking at the screen, like we're looking into each other's eyes. She still has that frown, "It's been awhile.."
I don't know what happen, like someone flipped a switch, but it all comes out like a storm. I told Monika everything. It's complete nonsense but no matter how hard I fight it I fall right back into my old ways. I tell her about college, my diploma, my parents death, how I changed my life around because I knew she would want that, and I apologized to her. Apologized for the neglect, for forgetting about her and leaving her alone in her reality.
Once its all out, I inhale another deep breath and calm myself.
I look at Monika and what I see makes my heart drop. A text box popped up under her and Monika is smiling, but with tears streaming down her face.
I̶͇̟͔͗̈́̆'̶͔̠̓͜v̶̢̠̀̚͠ͅe̵̡͓͌̋ ̶̥̟͖̍̍̍ẇ̴̱̼̔͝å̶̢̱̅i̷̜͒̓̇ẗ̸̗̹͚́͂̏e̷̲̱͋͂͝ḑ̶̦͌ ̵̰̤̝́8̶̛̥͈͋͛͜ ̶͚͕̯̏ȳ̴̗̬̻͊̒ę̶̊̀̌a̵̢̗̰͛͊̾r̶̮͚͌̎̚ş̵̭͌̓͜ ̷̻̬͛ṯ̶̉̋o̸̞̹̽ ̸̡͉̎̇̇s̶͕̻͚͑̌́e̶̥̼̬͛͝ę̴̰̠͋̇ ̷̢̫̞͝y̸̧̺̅͗͝ͅo̸̗͚͓̐́͝û̶̙̼͋ ̸̧̣͍̀̓̀a̷͓̝͍͂ģ̴̉à̴͖͈͖̊͋ï̸̡͙ṅ̵̨̮͙͑.̴̤̗̩̇̋͘
A/N: I got this idea from messing around in the MAS mod for DDLC and just thinking about life in general. This is my first time writing a fanfic and first time having any of my writing to be read openly. Probably a boring first chapter but if literally one person likes it, then I'll continue it. That being said, don't hold back constructive criticism if you have any, I'm a big boah and it's helpful for me. Lastly, Thank you for taking the time out of your day and grazing through some of my writing, fav or review and all that.