A/N: Set in season 4, episode "Nag Hammadi is where they found the Gnostic Gospel". It's my version of what could have happened that night. It can be rather ansgty at times.
My thanks go to the wonderful live4ska, who took the time to go over this and hopefully help me make it better.
I hope you like it and remember to leave a review ;).
"You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go."
"Could we sit down?"
"No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?"
"I love you."
She just stands there, watching him walk back to his car slowly. She counts his steps. Every one of them is taking him away from her and the thought of not knowing when or if she'll ever see him again hurts her so badly she has to remind herself to breathe. She wraps her arms around herself, trying to hold the pain in, trying so hard not to scream and cry and make a scene in the middle of the town.
His car starts and she can see it headed her way, so she steps in the middle of the street, ignoring the possibility of being hurt. He's going way too slow for that. And even if he couldn't stop, it would be preferable to just standing there, being shred to pieces.
The car slowly stops and Jess looks at her from the other side of the windshield, trying to figure out what she's doing. Her feet start moving on their own, her hand touching the still cold hood of the car, settling herself as she walks to the passenger door and opens it, throwing herself in the empty seat and looking at him.
"Drive...just drive." Her voice pleads with him and he knows it's insanity and he knows he shouldn't do it but her eyes tell him that he at least owes her that after the stunt he's just pulled. He nods slowly and pushes the pedal, leaving the lights and the music of the festival behind them.
As soon as they get out of the town he pulls the car over to the side of the road and waits for her to say something. Say anything.
"Why did you stop?" She asks.
"I don't know where I'm going."
"Anywhere would be just fine."
"Rory..."He is the one that is pleading this time. Pleading for her to get out and let him be the bastard, not make him talk or show her what his life really is, not give him another chance to hurt her.
"No! You don't get to Rory me. You don't get to do anything other then to drive us both out of here, someplace where we can talk. Away from that!" She's angry, and the words cut deep wounds in him. "Where were you planning on going?"
"New York."
"Then go there."
"I can't take you with me."
"Tough. I'm going. I am not going to let you leave again, without an explanation or a goodbye."
"We can say goodbye now."
"Too late."
He thinks he could argue but knows he'd never win. She wants this and he decides that maybe he at least owes her that much.
"At least call your mother. She'll be worried."
The mention of her mother seems to finally pull her out of her trance and he can almost see the regret in her eyes at the thought of hurting her. She pulls out her phone and pushes the speed dial button, waiting for it to ring.
"Hey, kiddo, where are you hiding?" He doesn't want to listen to their conversation but she's too close and he can't help it.
"I'm...not coming back to the festival tonight. I know it's last minute but I have some things to do."
"School things? This late?"
"It's...Jess."
The silence at the other end of the phone is deafening and he's praying that Lorelai will talk her out of her madness. "When are you coming back?" Maybe it was the determination in her daughter's voice that had made her realize that there wasn't anything left to say.
"I think I'll be back to pick up my car tomorrow. Don't worry. I'll..." She looks at him, tears sparkling in her too blue and too beautiful eyes. "I'll be ok once this is over."
"Take care, hun. Call if you need anything."
"I will. Bye, mom."
"Bye."
And with a click the conversation is over and she turns off her phone, throwing it in her pocket and looks back at him, anxiously. "You can drive now."
"I don't think I should."
She snorts, anger and hurt trying to be kept inside. "When did you ever do what you should? Just do this one thing for me and drive there without asking questions."
"Can I say one more thing before we go?"
She nods slowly, waiting for his request.
"If you change your mind and want to stop, or decide you want to go anywhere else, just say something, ok?"
"I will."
This time it's his turn to nod and then start up the car engine again, the headlights shining on the empty road as they drive away to nowhere.
Hours later, he is driving through the ever crowded streets of New York, trying to navigate his way as best as he can, with other cars honking at his piece of rubbish. Soon enough he pulls the car over on a dark alley and stops the engine, not knowing what to do or say.
Her eyes hadn't left the road in front of them for the whole ride.
Neither one of them had said anything.
Sometimes silence hurts more than angry words and hate.
He picks up his pack of cigarettes and pulls one out, then looks at her.
"Mind if I smoke?"
She shakes her head, and he lights it up, rolling down the window.
"This is where you live?"
"Upstairs."
"I assumed as much. Can we go in?"
The thought of her seeing the dump he's living in is too scary. She'll know. She'll see that he is failing.
"I'd rather we didn't."
"Why?"
"It's...not something I want you to see."
"But it's something I want to see."
"Rory...please don't so this." He pleads with her again, not knowing what else to say.
"And you want us to sit here in this car, all night?"
"All night?" He asks.
"I don't know how long this will take. I'd rather not do it in here, though."
He sighs, taking another drag out of his cigarette then opens the door to the car, waiting for her to walk out as well before he locks the doors.
"Let's go." That's the last thing he tells her before heading inside the ghastly building, waiting for her to catch up with him.
She steps in, no knowing what to expect. Hoping the smell of garbage and smoke is just in her head. That there is a better explanation then the one she can think of for the syringe thrown in a corner, under the stairs. That it's all just a nightmare. This is not what he deserves.
Once they get upstairs, he unlocks the door and turns on the dim light.
She points to the three empty mattresses on the floor.
"Roommates?"
"Two of them."
"Where are they?"
"One is spending the weekend at his girlfriend's place and the other one went home for a few days."
She tries to think of something, anything, nice to say. But she can't. So she steps closer to him, shrugging her shoulders.
"So this is what you left me for." She doesn't ask, she just states.
Jess looks at her, seeing the tears formed in her eyes, just waiting to roll down her porcelain skin.
"I didn't mean to leave you." It's his turn to state something, hoping she'll understand.
"So the whole jumping on the bus and moving to California was your way of not leaving me? Wow...great job." She doesn't understand at all.
He stands there, wondering if there's any way for him to explain that she would understand. Trying to find a way to tell her just how screwed up his life was. Is. How she just got caught in the middle of his mess. How she should just hate him and make it easier for both of them.
"I didn't want to leave you. I really didn't, but I had to get away from everyone else."
"And do what? What's this thing that was so great you had to leave everyone for? This flat? This is your great goal in life? To live in a dump, sleeping on a filthy mattress and doing God knows what? Away from anyone that ever cared for you?" She's trying very hard not to scream. Not to hit him until he realizes what he's doing to her. Not to dig her fingernails until she sees his blood because her heart is bleeding and he's to blame.
"Away from all those people that always waited for me to fuck up." He shouts. "Just waiting for me to hurt you, so they could have a better reason to hate me then "he's a bum and a bastard and he's going to ruin her".
To get away from Luke, he thinks, who kept trying to fix everything, even though he had no idea what there was to fix. "Just...away." He inhales deeply and the air feels like a knife slashing through him, cutting, cutting, cutting. "Some place where I couldn't hurt you anymore."
She takes a step back, trying to make sense of her emotions. Of his explanations. She wraps her arms around body, looking at him standing in front of her, having just shattered his walls for her.
She can finally see him as he is. Lost. Scarred.
"Jess..." She whispers his name, stepping closer to him. She can't stay away from him. "I'm not some lost princess trying not to get mud on her silk dress. I'm not that fragile. Everyone keeps treating me like I'm just going to break any second. I won't. I'm real. Look at me." She asks him, spinning slowly on her heels. "I wanted to be there for you. It was my choice to make. My place to accept that you were going to hurt me from time to time, but it was ok, it was the price I knew I had to pay for being in your life. Nothing hurts as much as not being with you."
Her hand touches his face, her thumb wiping away a stray tear. He doesn't know when it got there. He didn't know he could still cry.
"Why?" Is there anything else he could say right now? Fall on his knees and ask her to forgive him?
"Because...I love you." She whispers, looking down at her feet. "Despite knowing that you will never change I love you." Should she care if her words sound stupid or too ridiculously romantic? "Because, when I'm with you, my heart does cartwheels and my stomach is in knots. You can make my mind stop working and no one else has that smirk. Because your eyes tell me more than your mouth ever does. Because even if I wanted to stop loving you, I wouldn't know how."
He looks down at his feet, hoping he wouldn't wake up and realize it was a dream. But her fingers intertwining through his assure him she's real and she's there. Waiting for him. So his eyes move up again, locking in hers, hoping she'll see again all the things he wants to tell her but he can't.
"You're...so much more then I deserve."
"And yet here I am, begging you to love me."
His hand lets go of hers and he cups her face, crushing his mouth to hers. Her taste is intoxicating. Her perfume, a faint recollection of classier worlds, feels too strange because she used to only smell like soap. Her fists, clinging to his shirt are pulling him closer because the air between them hurts too much. Everything is too much, too good, too painful, too human, too frightening, too close to ending.
Shadows coming from outside his window dancing on their skin. Mouths attacking, and her short hair falling like a soft curtain, hiding them from the world outside. His hands, leaving invisible scars all over her body, burning madly. Faint traces of lipstick she's leaving on his skin and soft moans.
Insanity.
Her, laying naked in front of him. Beautiful. So beautiful he has to remind himself to breathe. Perfect in every way, calling his name. Her hands tangling in his hair. Skin so soft and smooth. A dress forgotten on the floor.
Madness.
Her hot breath tickling his ear. Her nails digging in his back. His name said in a way he's never heard before.
The same words repeated over and over again.
I love you. I love you. I love you. Love you, so much, too much, unbearably much.
Mine. Forever.
Rory, like he never expected to see her, laying naked on his chest, wrapping her arm around him and looking up at him, trying to read him. He just lifts his head, kissing her forehead, sweat stinging his bitten lips.
"Did I hurt you?"
She slides up until her head is on the pillow next to him, still keeping her arm around him.
"No."
Silence falls across the room again and they both revel in it, looking at each other, smiling tired smiles and stealing quick kisses.
"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have yelled at you earlier. It's your choice. And...I do get it most of the time. You just have no idea how much seeing this hurts." She says, her voice slow and steady.
"Don't be sorry. You had every right to be angry. I'm the one that's supposed to be sorry. You should have never seen this. Actually...you should have never been part of my life."
"So you regret having met me?"
Her words feel like acid dripping on his soul.
His hand goes up and cups her face, forcing her to look him straight in the eyes.
"Never. I will never regret anything about you, other than having hurt you. Got it?" She nods and kisses the corner of his mouth, then falls back down on the pillow. He lets go of her face and tangles his fingers with hers. "My life's just...a mess. Always has been. And when you were in it, I hurt you even though I didn't want to because I didn't know what else to do. How else to treat you. I thought leaving would make it easier for you to finally hate me, like you should have all along."
"It didn't."
"I really hoped it would. I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that, Jess. I know you're sorry. I don't want to make you feel guilty. I'm just trying to understand."
"Do you want to hear my story...?" His almost mumbles the question, half hoping she won't hear it, and half hoping she will.
"Are you ready to tell me?"
He isn't. He isn't ready to tell her about it all, he isn't even ready to think about it all himself. And yet he starts talking, calmly. He tells her about his childhood, his drunken and wasted mother, the countless men she'd bring home, all carrying the title of future daddy. Seeing her get high with them, lying on the floor with a blank look on her face. Not recognizing him. The times when she'd blame him for them leaving, or for his own father leaving. Learning to fend for himself after the first time she went away for a week, leaving him behind. Hiding in the library for hours, because it was safe there. Discovering books for the first time, wonderful escape from reality. Part time jobs and errands he'd run so he could get money to buy his own. Girls going in and out of his life, unimportant. Parties and alcohol. Finally meeting his father and then leaving him, because it was one more life he was screwing up just by being there.
Smoking and not looking at her, he tells her about the nightmares, when he sees his mother overdosed, not breathing in the bathroom. The face of that one "daddy" that used to come to his room when she wasn't around and hit him. The eyes of the man he once saw dying in an alley.
Never knowing where he was headed. The need to find his place, by himself. His voice cracks as he tells her, over and over again, just how sorry he is he hurt her. The only time she hears emotions in his words is when he's talking about her.
Once his confession is over, he looks at her, praying for absolution. But the only thing he sees are tears, flowing freely, and she leans over next to him, kissing his temple. Soft. Gentle. Because she doesn't know what to say.
"I didn't mean to make you cry." He whispers, wiping her face.
She bites her lower lip, squeezing his hand. "I just...I wish I could make it all go away for you. Fix it. Make it better."
"It's ok."
"No, it's not. It's unfair." She's angry again, and she wants to scream at the world. She wishes she believed in God, so she could be mad at him. "You shouldn't have had to go through that. No one should, ever, but you...Not you. And I feel so helpless right now and I want to find something to do that would help but I can't think of anything."
"That's 'cause there's nothing you can do." He tells her, pulling her closer to him again, hugging her as tight as he never knew someone could be so angry for something that had happened to him. Could care. Could love him.
"It's almost morning..." Rory sighs, looking at the first rays of sun peaking through the dirty windows.
He looks outside as well, then back at her, pushing a fallen strand of her hair behind her ear.
The sun is their biggest enemy. It is their sign that it will be over soon and they'll have to find answers or leave unanswered questions. Real life calling them. Reminder of not being alone in the world.
"What happens now?" She asks, barely above a whisper.
"I...really don't know, Ror. I want to say that now we think of something. But we both know that now is the time when I take you to the train station and we say goodbye. You go on with your life, I go on with mine. Try to figure things out by myself, until I can finally be good enough for you. For myself."
"Jess...I know why you're doing this but don't even dare use being good enough for me as your excuse. I want you as you are. And, stupid as it might be, I want you now. Waiting for the new and improved you has never been part of my plan. You're the one." She finishes her sentence with a kiss, knowing that he doesn't believe her. That her words will have no effect on him. And that in the end, it might be better for both of them.
Trying to find his words, he just looks at her. And, for a second, wonders if she'll ever be more beautiful then she is that second, biting her lip and telling him she just wants him for who he is, not who he might be.
"Rory...I don't want to have you stand by my side when I don't even know who I am. Be a jerk to you because I'm not in a good mood. Don't want to hurt you anymore. Couldn't stand hurting you any more then I already have."
"Well, guess what? You're hurting me by doing this!" How much more can she understand? Be supportive, even though it kills her. "You haven't even considered that you don't have to do this alone! You decided to push me out of your life, push Luke, who has never done anything to you just because you have to do this alone! You don't! There are options. You don't want to live in Stars Hollow, fine, move to Hartford. New Haven. Somewhere you wouldn't have to live in a dump and be hundreds of miles away from us. And maybe I am selfish for asking you to not do this, but I don't want to give you up."
"It's not about you, Ror." He begs her again, begs to be left alone, to not be given any more chances.
"I don't want it to be about me. I just want you to let me in your fucking life, damn it! Be there when you need me. Be the one that chase your nightmares away." She whispers her last sentence, cupping his face in her hands. Tears in her eyes, again, pleading with him. Playing a game she'd never win.
He kisses her, her naked body glued to his. His hands drawing her smooth curves. Trying to forget about the stinging in his own eyes as she just clings to him, desperately trying to convince him she wants to be there.
"I can't, Rory...I can't. But I promise I'll be back." He replies, simply.
As they make love once more, neither one of them tries to hold back the tears.
Soft.
Sweet.
Slow rhythm of touches exploring, tracing lines unseen by others. Her mouth, kissing his scars.
So much love and heartbreak.
Teeth biting gently and the echoes of her moans going around the small, empty room. Her earring scratching his hand. His whispered apologies.
Fists clutching the thin sheets. Gasps.
I promise, I promise, I promise...
I love you, so much, too much, unbearably much.
Mine forever.
Her naked body laying once more on top of his, trying to keep him as close to her as she can for as long as possible. He sighs, burying his face in her hair, kissing her temple.
"This isn't how it ends, Ror."
"I know. I do trust you. But...it hurts."
Jess wraps his arms tighter around her, trying in vain to comfort her. What's left when words are useless?
A few minutes later, she looks outside, the sun now shining brightly up in the sky. She looks up at Jess, running her hand across his jaw. Trying in vain to smile.
"I think I should go soon."
He nods in reply, catching her hand in his and kissing it quickly before releasing it again.
"Want to go somewhere and have breakfast before you leave?"
"I'm...not really hungry. And I think the faster we do this, the better it will be for both of us." Because the thought of saying goodbye kills them.
Jess just nods again and watches her as she gets out of bed and picks up her dress from the floor, sliding into it with ease. Walking around the room like she belongs there and yet, at the same time, looking so out of place. She picks up his clothes then hands them to him, waiting for him to get dressed. One he's done he walks next to her, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind, kissing her neck gently.
"Just…tell me you don't hate me for this."
She places her hands over his, sliding her fingers through his.
"I don't hate you, Jess. I'll never hate you."
"Thank you." He whispers softly in her ear, placing another kiss on her temple.
They walk slowly to the train station, holding hands. Not saying anything. Her gloves abandoned in her purse because she wants to feel his skin. Looking at each other. Ignoring the world around them. Ignoring the pain inside them.
She buys her ticket and they pick up some coffee, sitting on a bench, waiting for the train to come. Rory picks up his hand, sliding her fingers through his. She looks at their hands. Because looking him in the eyes would hurt too much right now.
"Ask me to wait for you."
"Don't." Jess untangles his hand from hers and cups her face, making her look at him. "As much as I don't like the thought of knowing you with anyone else…don't wait for me." The sudden image of another man's hands touching her naked body makes him close his eyes, pushing it as far away as he can. "I would hate for you to put your life on hold just because I don't know what to do with mine. And I know that means I am running the risk of coming to you one day only to find you with someone else. But, as long as he makes you happy, I'm fine with that." The last sentence leaves him breathless and he bites his tongue trying not to scream and tell her that she's his, he'd love to have her wait for him, he loves her, no other man should touch her. He swallows his words back. Above all else, he needs her to be happy.
Rory leans forward, kissing his cheek. "Thank you…but I think I'll be ok by myself for a while." He crushes his mouth to hers, tangling his fingers through her hair. Feeling, for once, like the luckiest man on earth.
"I love you." He whispers in between kisses, hugging her as close as he can again. Because he can hear another train in the distance. Because it might be her train. Because everything is so wrong and yet so right.
She pulls back, resting her forehead against his, trying to smile. "Promise me again you're coming back."
"I promise."
Rory seals his promise with a kiss, feeling tears once more stinging her eyes. Because it is her train. Because she never her heart could break like this, while still have hope. Because being the one leaving hurts so much more than staying behind.
"Can I ask you for one more favor?" He asks, his voice barely audible over the noise of the trains and the people.
"Anything."
"Tell Luke I'll be ok."
Rory nods, looking at the train and the clock above them. "I have to go now."
He sighs, letting go of her and standing up. She stands up as well and they walk to the door of the train. She looks inside, unsure of what to do, debating if she could stay there with him, forever. He sees the uncertainty in her eyes and squeezes her hand reassuringly.
"Go. I'll be ok."
"Promise?" She asks, smiling softly, a few stray tears finding their way down her cheeks again.
"I promise."
"And you're coming back?"
"I am." He looks at her and continues before she has a chance to ask her next question. "I promise."
"I will hold you to that."
"I'm ok with it. Now you really have to go before that train leaves without you."
Rory nods quickly, giving him one last kiss before jumping on the train.
"I'll miss you, Jess."
"I'll miss you too."
She walks to an empty seat and sits down, opening the window, and waiting for him to come closer. She lifts a finger, motioning for him to wait for a minute then picks up a small notebook from her purse and scribbles something down, handing it to him.
"What's this?"
"My phone numbers. In case you need someone to talk to."
He folds he paper and puts it in his pocket, then squeezes her hand again.
"I'll call you. Soon."
Rory smiles from behind the window while the train starts humming, getting ready to leave the station.
"I love you." She whispers from behind the window, biting her lower lip.
Because even when goodbye isn't forever, it kills.
He smiles from the platform, mouthing "I love you too." as the train starts to head out.
He sits on the bench where they had just been sitting, wondering if he's going insane or if he can actually still feel the warmth of her body instead of the cold wood. He picks up the piece of paper from his pocket and unfolds it slowly, like he is touching some sacred artifact. Inside, next to her phone numbers she wrote six words.
"I'll be waiting. Love you, Rory."
10