DISCLAIMER: I don't own Weiss Kreuz, or the characters.

NOTES: I'm aware that Farfarello has never said "…hurts God", but it's fun so I included said phrase.

I know probably most of the characters might seem a bit OOC, but this is supposed to be funny.

If you still want to read then go ahead :)

Never in December

It was a lovely December 23th, around 6:00pm, and two groups of killers where gathered in their respective living rooms, holding the same conversation:

SCHWARZ

"No,"

"Please! Please!" begged Schuldig, tugging at the left sleeve of Crawford's suit.

"No,"

"We deserve a Christmas full of presents, right Farfie?" and the redhead turned to look at his teammate, who was playing with a dagger beside him.

"Presents are good,"

"See? He agrees!"

"Aren't you supposed to hate Christmas?" asked Crawford, confused.

"Presents are selfish and represent materialism, so they hurt God," replied the Irish, making a little cut on his finger. Crawford sat on one of the couches, and put a hand on his forehead, rubbing his temples.

Schuldig took sit next to him, and decided to push his luck a bit further.

"None of us wants to repeat the experiences of last Christmas, so please! Come with us Br-Crawford"

Crawford wished he could have a vision.

"I really want to go out!" exclaimed the German. He knew he was going to get away with it.

"You always want to go out," replied Crawford, staring at the ceiling.

"I want to buy new knives!"

"I want to stay here, but Schuldig promised to buy me a game if I accepted to go shopping," Schuldig smiled at this; bribing Nagi had certainly been a wise decision.

Crawford looked at his teammates, one by one…and sighed in defeat.

"We are leaving in half an hour,"

Schuldig clapped his hands and hugged Farfarello. Convincing Crawford was the hardest part, and with that done, he could go Christmas shopping without problems. He really wanted to buy stuff and meddle with the head of someone depressed.

"Don't worry Brads, we'll behave," replied Schuldig, already picking his jacket.

"I will regret this,"

"A vision?" asked Nagi, the only one who wasn't excited for going shopping for Christmas.

"Better; intuition,"

WEISS

"No,"

"Aya, please!" begged Ken, pouting.

"No,"

"Just this once!" exclaimed Yoji.

"No,"

"It's for Christmas!" exclaimed Omi.

"Don't care," replied Ran, trying to finish his work at the flower shop, but Yoji was holding his broom while Omi and Ken tugged at his apron. Ran gave them his famous death glare, but it wasn't enough for the other three to back off.

"We promise we'll buy gifts for your sister," said Ken, he was desperate.

"Yeah, your sister will get a gift from each and everyone of us," agreed Yoji, looking at Omi who also nodded. Ran looked at them suspiciously.

"Nothing out of the ordinary; stuffed animals and jewelry, I promise," said Yoji, knowing his leader would certainly distrust him.

"Please Aya!" and this time, Omi pouted…and puppy-eyed Ran. Then his gesture was followed by Ken and Yoji, and Ran knew he was lost.

"No more than two hours,"

"Yes, no more," said Ken, feeling victorious already.

"No flirting around the mall,"

"No, I promise," said Balinese, regretting it a bit.

"Fine,"

The three of them hugged Aya and exclaimed a loud "Thank you," to his leader. Ran knew he would regret it.

SHOPPING CENTER

"We'll meet in this exact spot in two hours, so use your time wisely," explained Crawford, looking at his watch.

"I don't have a watch," protested Schuldig.

"Buy one," replied Crawford, very displeased by the whole situation. Schuldig rolled his eyes, but said nothing.

"Don't do anything that will attract undesired attention," said Crawford, and it sounded almost like a plea.

"Can we set Santa on fire?" asked Farfarello.

"No, and testing knives on yourself is also forbidden," answered Crawford. Farfarello seemed crestfallen.

"No playing mind tricks with the saleswoman…or men," added the bespectacled man, looking at Schuldig.

"Do you have any idea of how many people are in here? I'll go mad if I tried…" Schuldig grinned; Crawford had only prohibited sales people, which left all the other employees and the thousands of customers.

"Don't forget to meet me back here,"

"Wait, why aren't you giving instructions to Nagi?" asked the German, clearly upset.

"He doesn't need them,"

Nagi felt very proud and happy, but said nothing. He liked being Crawford's favourite.

And as soon as all the members of Schwarz disappeared through the main entrance, the members of Weiss arrived.

"I'll meet you here in two hours, understood?" asked Ran, checking his watch.

"Yes!" exclaimed the other three, happily.

Ran wanted to say something more, but his teammates had already vanished. He sighed and walked inside the mall; he already felt the urge to go back to the car. A sea of people crowded every inch of the departmental store, all carrying more than three bags and running from one place to another, making an awful noise that was enough to give Ran a headache.

It was then, that the redhead assassin decided he could wait in the car, but just as he was heading back, he remember they were supposed to give presents to each other, and he could not leave without any gifts.

Ran blamed his useless conscience and then resolved to do his shopping so he could get out of that inferno as soon as he could.

Schuldig was already in the clothing department, looking for a new bandana and a jacket; shopping first, psychological molestation later.

"Bah, no one here has a sense of fashion," he complained, realizing that none of the jackets he had found were of his taste.

He was rummaging around everywhere, when he found a coat; a black and trendy coat. Black wasn't his favourite colour, but it was the perfect color for that coat. He was about to pull it out from the rest of ugly garmnets when he felt a tug on the other side.

Naturally, he believed it was stuck and pulled harder, but to his surprise, he felt the other side being pulled harder as well, and through the clothes he could see a pair of hands grabbing the right sleeve of his coat.

"Hands off mate, I saw it first!" he exclaimed, strengthening his grip.

"No, I saw if first!" the other exclaimed, and Schuldig had the impression he had heard that voice before.

"Let go!" he insisted. That coat was going to be his.

"No, you let go!" this time, Schuldig decided he could play a trick on the poor guy's mind, but as soon as he established the connection, he realized it was one of the Weiss members with whom he was fighting.

"I can't believe it, Balinese!"

Yohji stopped on his tracks and pushed the other coats and jackets aside, so he could see the man in front of him.

"Schwarz! What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like?" the German replied, chuckling.

"Shopping? Yeah right…you were following us!"

"Hell no! You are an inconvenience we always try to avoid, so if you excuse me, my coat and I need to go…" and he was about to remove the coat from the hanger, but Yohji pulled again.

"That's my coat,"

"Are you sure you want to fight? I don't want to hurt that pretty body of yours...not today at least," the redhead warned, although he was enjoying the situation.

"It's you who will end up getting hurt," he replied, accepting the challenge.

"Come on then! Bring it on!"

Ran was glancing at the malicious elevator doors; he had been trying to get on for six minutes, but he ended being pushed away by the desperate crowd. It was ridiculous, that an assassin like himself couldn't brake through the multitude and remain stuck…but it was definitely going to end.

As soon as he saw the doors opening, he ran as fast as he could and pushing all the people around him, he finally got in. It didn't matter to him the curses and insults thrown his way, he had succeeded in his mission and was proud of it. The problem was that in every stop, more people kept coming in and he was now squeezed against a corner of the elevator.

When his stop arrived, he tried to force his way out, but was pushed inside again. He couldn't believe it!

"No way!" he muttered under his breath. He refused to be a victim, and waited patiently until the elevator stopped once more. Everyone inside seemed to get down and Ran saw this as his opportunity to leave; he tried desperately to swim between the compressed bodies and the foul smell of sweat, when he saw the doors beginning to close again.

He hurried and for a moment believed he was going to make it, but then he noticed he had remained stuck on the doors. When he turned around to see what was blocking him, he found himself face to face with none other that Schwarz Oracle. Apparently, both had tried to pass at the same time.

"What are you doing here?" both of them asked at the same time; both cursed under their breaths for leaving their weapons at home.

"Could you move? You are in the way!" shouted and angry woman with more than twenty bags.

"Oh, shut up!" yelled the annoyed Oracle.

"I'm not up to this!" said Ran, and was about to move when the elevator came to a sudden halt, and the lights turned off. The tremor sent both men backwards.

"What did you do Abyssinian?" asked Crawford, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness.

"Nothing!" exclaimed Ran with anger in his voice.

"Damn!" cursed the American, and almost instantly, the emergency lights turned on, but the elevator did not move nor the doors opened again.

"This isn't happening!" exclaimed Ran, hitting the doors of the elevator with his palms.

"It's useless, we should try the emergency phone," said Crawford, calmly.

"This phone?" asked Ran, pointing at the whole where the phone should have been.

"It doesn't matter, it won't take long," replied Crawford, keeping his cool.

"We can try escaping," suggested Ran, looking at the hatch above their heads.

"You have seen a lot of movies; this will not take long,"

"Are you enjoying this?" asked Ran, furious.

"Being trapped with you in an elevator is certainly not what I would consider 'enjoyable'," replied Crawford, adjusting his glasses.

"Same here," and Ran crossed his arms and looked in the opposite direction of where Crawford was standing. He would make sure his teammates paid for this…

Ken almost cried of joy, when he entered the sport's department; it was like a dream come true. The clothes, the equipments, everything screamed 'buy me!' and Ken was certainly going to comply.

"Oh my precious!" he exclaimed, drooling against a showcase that displayed an exemplar of the 2006 FIFA World Cup's soccer balloon. He could almost touch it…

"Creep," he heard a voice behind him and turned around.

"Don't talk to yourself, Crawford says it scares people," Farfarello explained, looking at Ken.

"I was talking to that piece of art…why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be killing priests or something?" Ken was pissed; his golden euphoria had been drastically interrupted.

"I promised Crawford I'd behave, so I can't kill priests today,"

"Leave, I want to be by my own," Ken rolled his eyes and stared back at the balloon.

"I can't, I need to hide and avoid suspicion,"

"What are you talking about?" Ken hated to admit he was now curious about it.

"Just don't tell Crawford; I bought my new knives, but since leader said I couldn't test them on myself, I decided to threw them against this big power box and suddenly there was a blackout, and smoke all around. People pointed at me, so I ran,"

"And what does it have to do with me?" asked Ken, arching an eyebrow.

"While running I saw you entering here, so I decided I could hide with you,"

Ken never bothered to point out the Irish was insane, so he simply shrugged and said:

"As long as you don't try to kill me, it's fine,"

The blackout seemed to be the solution to their problems; both were fighting in the floor, throwing punches and kicks, when the lights turned off. Both men stayed still, and when the lights returned, the coat was gone.

"Fuck!" Schuldig exclaimed, shoving Yohji off of him. "I can't believe you let this happen!" scolded the redhead.

"So now it is my fault?! If you had let me take the coat at least one of us would have it," Yohji stood up, and looked angrily at the German.

"That coat belongs to me, and I shall find the poor bastard who took it," and he slammed his right fist in his left palm.

"Give it up Schawrz, it's lost," the blonde said.

"Will you stop calling me that? My name is not 'Schwarz'!" Schuldig growled in frustration.

"Then how should I call you?"

"Sex-god, please," Schuldig replied, running a hand through his hair.

"You wish…"

"Fine, Schuldig then," and the German rolled his eyes.

"Ne, Schulig, are you hungry?" asked Yoji, when he became aware his stomach was growling.

"Sure," both left and searched for a place to eat.

"I want something greasy, like pizza, will you join me?" asked Schuldig, looking at a pizzeria.

"Sounds good," both placed their orders and took sit.

"You have nice taste, I'll give you that," said the redhead.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure that coat would have looked better on you, it would have made your hair look brighter,"

"At least we agree on something!" exclaimed the German and both men laughed.

"Just don't forget, you are still my enemy," said Yoji, trying to relax.

"Oh mate, I would never! You are the best enemy I have,"

"Seriously?"

"Ja, it's fun fighting with you,"

Then their orders were served and both ate. They discovered they had lots of things in common and were actually having a nice time together.

"Man, I wish we could be friends…we could go out on Friday nights and charm ladies all around" said Yohji, grabbing another bite of his slice.

"That would be amazing. I'd finally be able to witness the impressive seduction skills of Yohji Kudou"

"You bet,"

Schuldig was taking a sip from his orange soda, when he saw, in front of the food square, someone who looked like Farfarello running with someone who looked like 'clawed-kitten'.

"Hey, isn't that one of your friends?" asked Schuldig, and Yoji turned to see.

"Yeah, that's Ken…running with the mad guy?"

"Prima! That's a mob chasing them!" indeed, there were a lot of people after them, mostly women swinging their handbags.

"In what mess have they got themselves into?" asked Yoji, unable to give credit to his eyes.

"Let's find out!"

An hour and ten minutes had just passed by, according to Crawford's wrist watch and he decided to take sit on the elevator's floor.

Ran looked at him suspiciously; he couldn't let his guard down, especially around his worst enemy…he wished once more he had brought his katana.

"So, how did they convince you to come along?" asked Crawford, finally giving up.

"Why would I answer?"

"Truce? Just as long as we are in here?" proposed Crawford, who wasn't in the mood for a fight.

Ran thought about it, and after he contemplated all his choices he too sat down and said:

"They puppy-eyed me and promised me they would all pick something for my sister," replied Ran, feeling stupid for confessing such a thing to his enemy. "How about you?"

"The last time I allowed them to go by themselves they abused the credit cards and almost burnt the mall..." Crawford sighed, trying not to remember. Ran had the odd feeling he could understand his companion.

"I should have foreseen this,"

"Your 'gift' failed you?" asked Ran, trying not to laugh, but it was hilarious to think the mighty Oracle was useless in situation such as the one they were currently in.

"Precognition is tricky," said Crawford, trying to defend himself.

"I was under the impression you could control it,"

"It's more complicated than that,"

Ran just shook his head and gave a soft smile, and hopped Crawford had not paid attention to it.

"This is your entire bloody fault!" scolded Ken, trying to hide behind a mannequin.

"Not true!" Farfarello whispered, hiding behind Ken.

"I told you to leave those kids alone, but no!! You had to get them off Santa's lap and scare them with your talk of hell and eternal flames," Ken was trying to make sure they were no longer followed.

"But they will burn! Generosity and…"

"Shut up! It's depressing!" Ken knew that if he listened once more, he would find the way to kill himself.

"Crawford will kill me if the police arrest me,"

"Crawford should lock you and never release you!" Ken spatted angrily, and when he heard no response, he looked at Farfarello, whose eyes--well, just one-- were staring at the floor.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"You did," interrupted Farfarello, with a sad look.

"Well yeah, I did, but I never thought it would hurt you! You are the dude who feels no pain after all, remember?"

"My body can't feel the pain, but my heart floods with the soreness and sting of life,"

Ken was bewildered at the statement, but the only thing he could do was pat the crazy Irish on his shoulder and apologize.

"I'm sorry, now I am truly sorry,"

"I'm used to anyway, they all think I'm stupid and senseless,"

"No, you are not…it's just that is hard to believe that under those scars and the eye patch lives a...normal human being,"

"I never said I was normal but I appreciate your efforts on cheering me up…want to see behind my eye patch?" and when he moved his hand to remove the black piece, Ken stopped him.

"No offense, but I don't,"

"Why does everybody think I pulled my eye out?"

"You didn't?" Ken looked at him surprised.

"Want to see it?" and he lifted his balk patch.

"Wack! That's gross! You tricked me!" exclaimed Ken, closing his eyes and trying to forget the image.

"Sorry, it was payback"

"Damn, I will have nightmares now,"

In that moment a pair of hands appeared of nowhere and thousands of handbags began flying on their direction.

"We were discovered!" Ken exclaimed and both reassumed their run, but a few steps later, they were intersected by Yohji and Schuldig.

"What's the matter Farfie?" asked the redhead amused.

"The ladies, they want to beat us to death!" replied Ken, trying to normalize his breathing.

"Oh, well, I think we should probably get going then,"

"But we have to loose them," reminded Farfarello.

Yohji took the two persecuted men and hid them behind a door with the letters 'authorized personnel only' and faced the women, followed by Schuldig.

"The ones you search, fair ladies, have been already arrested," informed Schuldig.

"So fear not, beauties," and Yohji kissed the back of the hand of the closest woman. They all giggled and reassumed their shopping.

"You can go out now," and Ken thanked them for saving him.

"Pathethic Farfie, you are an assassin! I can't believe a bunch of mommies beat you," and Schuldig shook his head.

"Let's find Crawford and Aya" said Yoji, and both of them made their way to the elevators.

"..and the first thing I saw when I entered the mall, was Farfarello, setting the Christmas Tree on fire, while dancing around it as if it were a bonfire…all the people were scared and the police officers where aiming his guns at him. Disastrous,"

"I bet. Two years ago, Ken knocked a whole shelf of porcelain…Persia had to pay for it at the moment, but he discounted it later from our pays," Ran felt angry once more just from the memory alone.

"Don't you get the feeling we are more babysitters than leaders of assassins?" asked Crawford, reflecting in all the experiences they had shared in the last hour.

"It's like we deal with children, instead of the adults they are supposed to be; and I can't believe that Omi, who is the youngest, is more mature than Ken or Yohji,"

"Exactly! I can trust my life to Nagi, but never to Schuldig of Farfarello…it's deplorable,"

After that statement, both assassins look at each other, one single thought running through their minds: 'I can't believe we have something in common!!!'

They kept staring a few moments, and finally, both turned their heads to stare at the elevator's wall.

Oblivious to the disgraces of their teammates, Omi and Nagi were happily chatting in the computer and electronics' department. They had met by accident, and both, being the most reasonable and youngest members of their respective teams, began getting along.

"That's exactly what I thought! The ending was so lame!" exclaimed Omi.

"Yeah, it was a great game, until the last mission," Nagi was a bit surprised that he could relate with someone other than Crawford.

"Hey, changing the subject a bit, can I ask you if you go to school?" Omi was realy curious about this, since Nagi seemed like the kind of person who never goes out.

"I do. Crawford used to pay for private tutoring, but my professor once met Farfarello and he never returned…and we couldn't get another once since then," replied Nagi.

"Is he really that creepy? I mean, do you fear him?"

"Who? Crawford or Farfarello?"

"Both," Omi smiled, Nagi had a point there.

"Farfarello is nice, he doesn't talk much and spends most of his time watching a preaching channel or locked in the basement. Crawford is always away or locked in his studio,"

"It must be interesting, you know, living with all of them," Omi reflected.

"Everyday is pretty much the same; Crawford works, Schuldig molests him or is out in some bar, Farfarello musses on the meaning of God and evil, and I surf around the internet. How about you?"

"Aya wakes up early and cleans the shop. I go to school but when I come back, Aya is yelling at customers who buy nothing, Yohji is flirting with the customers above eighteen and Ken blushes when the customers flirt at him,"

"You guys flirt and get flirted a lot, doesn't that upset you?"

"We are used to it," Omi was being honest. At first it was weird, but now the four of them loved the attention.

"Have you ever flirted, Nagi?" Omi was seventeen, after all.

"Not really, there was a girl I liked, but Crawford asked me not so see her again," Nagi still resented that, but he knew his leader had a good reason.

"I hate that Crawford. He is so uptight, what the hell's wrong with him?"

"I don't know where to start,"

Omi looked at Nagi in disbelief, had he just told a joke? Well, it seemed he had a sense of humor after all.

"Crawford is Crawford. He feels it's his duty to take care of us, whether we like it or not. Thanks to him Farfarello is still alive and the sadistic tendencies of Schuldig are kept at bay…I admire him,"

"It sounds like you are in love with him," Omi mumbled. Nagi blushed and quickly denied the statement.

"He's like 20 years older than me, and I most certainly don't find him attractive!" when some of the computer games stored in the shelves began to tremble, Omi took Nagi by the shoulders and said:

"I'm kidding!, I'm kidding!" he did not wanted to create complete chaos on the mall.

"Not funny,"

"You're right, I'm sorry, it was never my intention to offend my new friend,"

Nagi looked at him with bright eyes; friend?

"But I'm Schwarz!"

"Not right now. You are only Nagi Naoe in this moment," both boys smiled at each other and traded e-mails.

"Can I get to know some of Schwarz secrets?" asked Omi.

"Some day Omi, right now, I think I must leave…my two hours ran out," said Nagi, looking at his wrist watch.

"I'll accompany you, I must leave too,"

Hot. Apparently the air conditioner was not working. Ran cast a glance at Crawford, who had already removed his coat, tie and vest, and had undone the first buttons of his shirt.

Ran himself had taken off his black trench coat and was considering removing his orange turtleneck sweater.

Crawford couldn't believe how in the middle of December they were about to die in the most suffocating heat. He was sweating, and he was thirsty. He had tried contacting Schuldig, but he was sure the German would never risk his mental health for him…weren't more people stuck in an elevator? They couldn't be the only ones, right? Thousands of people were on the mall, so how come he had the feeling they were the only ones trapped? Someone must have noticed…

"Abyssinian, I don't want to die here," Crawford muttered.

"Don't be such a drama queen," replied Ran, rolling his eyes. The heat was getting the best of him.

"Let's escape…through the hatch of the elevator…"

"We should have done that, hours ago, but no! You wrongfully trusted the people running the mall," Ran was disappointed; Crawford had violated one of the most important rules of life: 'never trust in public servants or the people in charge of getting you out in case of emergency'

"I was an idiot. Now, I'll lift you up, you'll open the hatch and then you'll give me a hand so I can get out," and he stood up, looking at his 'partner'.

"Why can't I lift you up?" asked Ran. He hated being treated as an inferior. What did that man was thinking? Was he not able to do the job?

"I'm heavier than you. It would be easier if I lift you up," explained Crawford, and Ran felt stupid once more but said nothing.

He approached Crawford and set a foot on the man's hands, but just when the American was about to lift him, the elevator moved again, and caused Ran and Crawford to loose their balance and both fell.

When Schuldig, Ken, Yoji and Farfarello reached the elevators, they pushed one of the buttons, and as soon as the doors opened, they were all left speechless with the sight:

There he was, the calculative and controlling Oracle, lying on the floor, and between his legs, the fearless leader of Weiss with his body completely over the man below him. The fact that some garments were sprawled around them was more incriminating evidence at the eyes of the witnesses.

"Brads, you could have told us on the first place and we wouldn't have bothered to come looking for you," said Schuldig, somehow amazed. He never though Crawford had the hots for Abyssinian.

"Why didn't you tell us you were having an affair with Oracle?" asked Yohji, but he wasn't sure if he should feel angry or happy.

"This is not what it looks like!" both exclaimed at the same time.

"Then how come you are not moving?" asked Farfarello.

In that instant, Aya lifted from Crawford and Crawford stood up, both picked their clothes and left the elevator.

"Schwarz, we are leaving!" announced Crawford, as soon as he finished dressing himself again.

"Oh, I don't want to ruin your date. Go on and take Abyssinian for a drink, he looks so sweaty…" If looks could kill, Ran and Crawford could have been charged for murdering a German.

"We are leaving, now!...Wait, where is Nagi?" asked Crawford, noticing the absence of his protégé.

"Oh, yeah, where's Omi?" asked Ken, looking all around.

"We better leave them alone. Perhaps they are enjoying themselves like our dearest leaders were, a few moments ago," said Schuldig, smirking.

"You'll pay for this," threatened Crawford, and he was about so say something more, when the kids appeared through the doors of another elevator.

"There you are!" exclaimed Yoji, as soon as he saw Omi.

"Perfect, now we can go. We'll discuss this later," and Crawford began walking, his team following from behind.

"Oh, we couldn't buy a thing Brads" said Schuldig, admiring the lack of merchandise on his hands.

"Shame," was the only thing the American said, before disappearing through the main entrance.

"Did I miss something?" asked Omi, sensing tension and anger.

"The hell you did! We just discovered Aya has an affair with Schwarz's Oracle!" announced Yojhi, still displeased.

"I am NOT having and affair with Brad!" exclaimed Ran, crossing his arms and looking angry.

"Since when do you call him 'Brad'?" asked Ken, confused. He wanted to believe in his leader's words, but there was too much evidence against him…

"Since never, let's go!" exclaimed Ran, feeling his cheeks turn red. He hadn't meant to call him 'Brad' it simply slipped from the deepest part of his brain.

"Wait, we didn't shop anything either!" exclaimed Yohji.

"Pity," and he started walking towards the exit. He couldn't stand one minute more in that place. His co-workers sighed and followed their leader.

When both teams arrived at their respective hideouts, none of the members dared to comment on their private adventures, and none dared to ask their leaders about their compromising position, mostly because they feared their leaders' reaction.

At one point, Schuldig had the impression Farfarello and the blackout that caused Crawford being trapped in an elevator were related…but said nothing.

All the events of that night would be sealed forever in the minds of the eight assassins, who now knew the perils of shopping on Christmas.

The end

Was it lame? I don't know, I just started writing this one day I had nothing better to do but I hope you have liked it.