A/N: This is a Halloween companion piece to my other story "The 5 People Snape Meets in Heaven"; it's basically the complete crackfic opposite of that and as gory and silly-evil as possible. Please don't take this seriously. Though if you are a Gary Oldman fan, please imagine a manic young Gary Oldman wielding a chainsaw and smiling widely as he acts like a complete deranged psychopath :-)...If you've read "The 5 People Snape Meets in Heaven", I think you can imagine who might be the 5 people Sirius might be meeting...

Warning: dark crack!fic

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1. Barking Up the Wrong Tree

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Sirius laughed as he wielded a chainsaw and machete around the poor soul who had just so happened to arrive in hell, a.k.a. eternal damnation.

"Well, Peter Pettigrew," Sirius sneered with true bloody joy on his face. "How are you enjoying your stay in my underground lair so far?"

They were both surrounded by flames and Peter Pettigrew had been conjured so that his animagus was a tree, who had several limbs already cut off by Sirius's chainsaw.

The tree, who still had Peter Pettigrew's face in the middle, shrugged and hollered in pain again. "Quit cutting off my branches! Please have some mercy!"

Sirius, who had grown horns and whose skin had turned red, shook his read and grinned again as he revved up the chainsaw and the loud, engine starting roaring.

"That is a laugh Peter!" he said, as if they were kids again sharing a good joke. "You mean like the mercy you showed me when you wrongly accused me, framed me and left me to rot in Azkaban for 12 years?"

Peter Pettigrew-the-tree started shaking his branches. "Please Sirius...I may be a tree right now but I still feel pain, it hurts, it HURTS!"

Sirius laughed even louder as he waved his loud, churning chainsaw towards him and aimed to slice off one of the bigger branches near Peter's bottom. "That's just too fucking bad!"

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr the chainsaw screeched and wood pulp went flying as Sirius laughed louder and louder.

"On the highway to hell," Sirius sang. "Merlin, I love being the devil!"

"Ahhhhhhh!" Peter screeched as his tree animagus was reduced to a lousy stump of cut-off limbs.

"We'll make you into paper and stationary, Peter," Sirius hollered over the sounds of his chainsaw. "It'll be great fun to see you sold off piece by piece in a muggle stationary store!"

Even as the Devil himself, Sirius still had his wicked sense of humour.

He better call up Staples and ask them if they need any paper with rat tails printed on them. Oh being the devil was good fun!

~o~

a/n- happy early halloween ;) and continue reading for more gore and pulp-fiction...XD