Rated M: This is a dirty comedy featuring students at Hogwarts having consensual sex/playtime with other consenting students. It contains much of the filthy language, (later chapter) sex scenes of an M rating (including very light S&M and humiliation), suggestive themes to the max, humor of a tainted (and sometimes gross) nature.

Pairings: Central pairing is Draco/Hermione. However, the fic is based around Draco having to complete tasks in order to win a shag from Hermione. Also, Pansy plays a big part in the story.

Dedicated to my friends who inspire me and let me pick their brains. Rheannon & Tobiume & Camille especially, for suggestions and listening to me read aloud. Millicent is heavily inspired by Rheannon's portrayal of her during one of our HP improv sessions. And Pansy is Pansy. She'd whack me one real good if she knew.

Draco Malfoy and the Mudblood's Pants

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Chapter One: Pansy's Present

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"Draaaco," Pansy called out, waving around a slim black package, and threw in a lecherous wink for good measure. "Come get your Christmas present. I can't wait any longer." She wriggled around the common room couch in her fluffy black mink robe and posed with one leg over the other. Dramatic slag.

"Let's see it then," I responded carelessly, flipping through my newly finished essay for Snape's class.

"You have to come to me to get it," she said in a purr and spread out her legs a bit. Blaise let out a low whistle, and Millicent cackled.

I sneered at her and waggled my finger. "No way, no how. I'm not impaired. The next prank is yours to pull, Pansy, and I know that whatever you've got in that ruddy box is nothing I want."

Allow me to explain: Instead of celebrating Christmas cheer like normal humans, the Slytherins in my year had all decided that a Yuletide prank war would be more fun. Crabbe's tongue was still slightly singed. Blaise couldn't sit right for three days. (I'd tried to convince myself that these two occurrences were not related, mostly for my own sanity.) The closer it got to Christmas, the worse the pranks were getting and I'd surprisingly not been targeted yet. I'd figured it was because no one wanted to cross me until I realized that Pansy most likely wanted me for her own. She was often cross with me (probably due to the fact I hadn't asked her to go steady after the Yule Ball), and looked for any opportunity to be spiteful.

"Draco," Pansy pouted, making her squashed nose look more pronounced than usual, "you are really just too mean. It's nearly Christmas, and you won't even let me, your oldest friend, your dearest friend, give you a Christmas present."

I was attempting to figure out in what godforsaken universe Pansy Parkinson would be considered my oldest and dearest friend when Blaise posed against the couch and glared at me. "Get up, Draco," he commanded. "Unless you're scared of a girl. Which in that case, you know there's still room on my team."

He and Millicent caught eyes and laughed uproariously.

"Ah, c'mon! You're going to love it, Malfoy," croaked Millicent, flopping on the couch and landing nearly on top of Pansy, who made a face. "I know I would, if it were for me."

"You think we have similar taste, Millicent? That's the worst insult I've ever gotten. If you think that will convince me, you're barking," I said, staring back at my report but then I began to think about her words. I mean, REALLY think. Millicent didn't like many things beyond beating people up and eating out any girl who she could get her hands on. I wondered if Millicent was telling the truth or taking the piss. In the case of her telling the truth, I just might like whatever was in Pansy's box. Despite myself, I looked back over at the couch.

Pansy leaned over a bit, her mountain of cleavage jutting out of her robe. "Come get it, Draco. I'm waiting."

I looked at her and cleared my throat. "Let me think, woman!" I snapped. You see, I was facing much stress and one BIG problem! I'd been very horny for some time—hornier than usual—but it was quite complex. It was Unspeakable, even.

Lately, I'd found myself wanking off to the thought of Hermione Granger, and not just in a rough, evil way though that'd be fun. I was wanking off to thoughts of her asking questions in class, laughing with Pottie and Weasel Head, wanking off even to the thought of her punching me in the face nearly three years ago. I figured it had to do with my task from the Dark Lord and that my very sick mind was playing psychological tricks on me to trip me up. Point being, I was broken and I needed a release and if Pansy was up for the challenge, I might just accept. She was generally available for bedroom frivolity and while I deeply loathed her, that didn't exactly put me off enough not to bonk her brains out if it meant getting my jollies. For the sake of Purebloods everywhere, I'd do my duty. I desperately needed to get my mind off the stupid feelings I had regarding one Mudblood Granger.

The other Slytherins let out cat calls as I gave up all reason and left my chair by the fire. "Okay, out with it. Let's see this special present. It'd better be good," I said in what I hoped came across as an annoyed tone.

"Heh heh heh," laughed Millicent deeply, and made room. Pansy patted the spot between them.

After hesitating, I sat.

Pansy leaned into me and kissed my neck, caressing my hair. "Merry Christmas to the sexiest boy in Slytherin," she said saucily and handed over the package.

"Second sexiest," Blaise interjected, with his hand on one hip.

"Shut it, Blaise. You'd count if you weren't a pouf." I rattled it and tapped it with my wand. It seemed alright. There were no spooky sounds coming from inside and it was light as air. I undid the bow on top and lifted it open. I did a double-take. Then I looked at Pansy, who was smiling like a cat who'd been at the heavy cream. "Pans…" I trailed off and swallowed. "Are these…?"

"Go on. See if you like them," she whispered, with a hand on my knee. Millicent was hanging over my shoulder, transfixed.

Slowly, I lifted out a silky pair of scant periwinkle blue women's pants. They were all lacy and cut in an extremely sexy way that, if on a person, wouldn't have done much good covering up the arse. The others who were watching reacted in either loud shouts or laughter. I cocked my eyebrow at Pansy. "You're giving me women's pants. However will I ever thank you," I said snarkily. "Honestly, Pansy—"

"They're not new," she said and bit her lip. "Go on," she urged, and pushed the pants close to my face.

The laughter died down as everyone, including myself, realized what she'd given me. My dignity restored, I gave the room a visual sweep with a rather arrogant expression and placed the pants to my nose, inhaling deeply. The sweet, soft scent filled my nostrils. I instantly felt my mouth water, felt my knees buckle in front of me. I looked at Pansy, who was still smiling that naughty grin.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" I sneered, and tugged Pansy toward me by the tassel of her robe. "I want my real Christmas present! Let me up to your dorm and I'll bonk you silly, you slaggy little cow—"

"Oh, Draco," she said, and kissed my neck again. I felt my trousers getting tight, my heart pounding, and that was all I needed. Half to show off to the room and half because I was feeling slightly savage, I tore Pansy off the couch and attempted to toss her over my shoulder which was difficult because her tits and arse weighed more than my entire body.

"DRACO!" she screamed in that awful way I knew all too well and punched me five times in the back. "LET ME DOWN!"

"Your room, my darling? Or shall I clear these imbeciles out?" I grinned evilly. "Be quick about it, or I'll just undress here in midair—"

Instantly, the room started clearing out without me having to say anything. I have a very commanding presence.

Pansy gave me a final blow, this time in the ear. "DRACO, YOU SHIT. They're not mine!"

I dumped her back on the couch, where she toppled onto Millicent who very obviously tried to gaze up her robe. "What do you mean, not yours?" I hissed.

Pansy rubbed her sore behind, glaring at me. "Tricked you," she said huffily.

"Tricked me? By giving me a pair of girl's pants? Maybe you should trick me more often," I said. "Right-o, if not yours, whose?"

Pansy looked at Millicent. Millicent looked at Pansy. They both burst in alternately tittering and raucous laughter (I'm certain you can decipher whose laugh was whose).

"Did you—like—the gift, Draco?" Pansy asked breathlessly. "Guessing by how quickly you wanted to frisk me, I'm guessing you're all worked up over it—"

"Pansy, if you're embarrassed or something, get over yourself. Let's just shag and be done with it," I whined, adjusting my trousers where I was throbbing agonizingly.

"Like I would ever do that again," she snapped. "Once was enough for me. Your self-loathing is only captivating on your exterior, Draco. Call me crazy, but I need a less tortured man in my bed."

I clenched my teeth, still unbelievably turned on despite Pansy's blatant lies. I grabbed the pants and stared about the room. "Well, which of these little bints has feelings for me? I'd like to know at once!"

"Draco, dear, you've just smelled the pants of Hermione Granger," Pansy said and gave me a most sinister little smile.

Millicent, Blaise, Pansy and the few perverts who'd stuck around in hopes of seeing us shag dissolved into hilarity. I felt myself choking as I held the pants straight out in front of me, sticking out my tongue.

"You foul, stupid—"

Pansy was up in an instant. "You're intolerable!" she said, and grabbing me by the arm, she led me into the foyer of the stairwell to the dorms. "Look! Blaise heard you say her name on Monday night in your sleep. That's what gave me the idea for the prank. And Millicent's been shagging someone in Granger's dorm. That's how I got the pants. But I happened to notice you've been staring an awful lot in her direction lately. At first I was disgusted, but then I found it amusing and I decided, why not, I'd you an actual present—"

"Well! Nice present, Pans. Has it got a return policy?" I said angrily, holding out Granger's fragrant undergarment in what I hoped was a convincing imitation of disgust.

Pansy shoved me. Hard. "Stop acting like a little worm and do something about your crush, you idiot," she screeched. Oldest, dearest friends are the worst.

"What in the snakes am I supposed to do about it? She's a Mudblood! I'm a Pureblood! She hates me! I hate her!"

"You hate me and you just about shagged me willy-nilly in the midst of the common room like the cocky, messed up little wanker you are! Stop being a wimp about it and go find her," Pansy said. "Oh yes. I forgot. Your present is a scavenger hunt. Granger's waiting for you somewhere. She knows she's got a secret admirer who is holding her pants ransom—"

"WHAT?" I burst out but Pansy slapped me.

"Shut up for once, Draco. She knows someone's on their way and she's waiting. Go and have your way with her, if you can. If you can't, I'm going to prank you. For real. And it's going to be much, much worse," she said.

I glared at her, and tossed the pants at her face. She shrieked and then stuffed them back in my hands. "You need those!" she hissed. "That's how she'll know it's you."

"Blast," I said grumpily. "I'm the blazing Prince Charming of pants."