Summary: The story where the hero enters the past on a quest to change the disastrous apocalyptic future, vanquishing evil and marrying the love of his life? Yea, this wasn't that at all. Everything would turn out fine without him meddling anyways. Why would he do something stupid like declare war on a bunch of melodramatic sociopaths? Nah, no thanks.
First off, don't take this seriously. This isn't meant to be anything but a cute humorous story with a bit, a tiny insignificant dismal portion of actual plot. Writing anything with actual progression makes me burst into hives, so I won't do it unless I have no other option and each chapter is pretty short, only a couple scenes or so long. So yea.
Chapter one- The Power of Cute Compels You, to be Less of a Dick
Holy shit. He was freaking adorable.
He looked down at the five month old baby as he held onto the bars, balancing precariously on the side of his crib with the tips of his toes, his body barely tall enough to peer over the top as he tilted his head to the side, examining him closely.
Was it even legal to be that cute? It had to go against some sort of law somewhere.
The baby blinked, also turning his head to the side as they both watched each other.
He squinted.
The baby squinted.
He puffed out his cheeks and growled, wriggling his eyebrows in a creepy way.
The baby immediately starting making spit bubbles. So he leaned forward, bringing a hand down to poke said baby on the cheek, only for the baby to immediately turn his head to latch onto his finger with his toothless gums, sucking hard.
"Hey! Lemme go!" He whispered with a hiss, tugging in a desperate attempt to get him off but he only gurgled happily, grabbing his finger with both hands as he kicked his feet in joy. The older boy tried again to release himself from the slobbery prison, his face twisting into a horrified grimace as he shook his arm like a mad man. His finger finally came free with a loud pop, and the happy infant giggled away as he inspected the damage.
His once mighty and germ free hand was now covered in a gooey slimy mess.
"Nasty." He whined as he whipped his hand on his pajama bottoms, glaring back at the still gurgling baby.
And promptly melted all over again under those big dark eyes.
Ah crap, who the hell could stay mad at that face?
Assholes. That's who.
"Maa, maa." He murmured, leaning back down to pat him on the head, gently brushing his short black hair to the side. "I quit."
He hummed as he snuck back out of the house, closing the window and securing the safety traps behind him far better than how he first found them, so no one with any bad intentions could get in again. Dusting himself off he looked up at the sun rise with a drawn out sigh.
Maybe he could finally take up all those hobbies he wanted? Learn how to knit properly, or make home made soba? Hmm, maybe try his hand in pranking? He always wanted to do that.
Meh, he shrugged as he made his way back out of the village in the cover of the shadows, careful to stay out of any passing shinobi's radar. As he bolted into the forest he finally let out his first laugh, then another, until he started to cackle ominously, a much better plan forming itself rather beautifully as he quickly put together the needed materials.
And that was how Uchiha Sasuke survived his first assassination attempt, leading to the great time traveling hero giving up on the whole "destroy the past to save the future" thing.
Eleven days later, sixteen year old Hatake Kakashi was having a full blown panic attack. There was one of his ANBU operatives patting him on the back as he sat to his left, the Hokage puffing away quietly on a pipe to his right, a stone cold faced immigration Matron sitting across from them, and the scowling Uchiha Clan head Uchiha Fugaku sitting next to her. They were all at one table as he took shallow breaths, his nails digging into the wooden desk as his eyes darting around.
In the middle of the table was a folder of official documents, a list of bonds and real-estate now under his name, and a maternity test.
A positive maternity test.
The scowl on the Uchiha Head's face grew even worse as the Matron cleared her throat, sliding the files closer to the visibly shaking teenager as he eyed the paper like it would kill him without hesitation.
Which it probably would, given the facts.
"Then it is decided?" Kakashi flinched as the Hokage chuckled softly, his eyes curving up as he brought his hand up to nonchalantly pat Kakashi on the shoulder. He held back a whimper as he shook his head, barely stopping himself from screaming that no, it really wasn't. "Or is there more still to discuss?"
Yes, yes there was. There was a lot more to discuss, and Fugaku agreed.
"You expect a child to raise a child?" He sneered at Kakashi, but the Hokage didn't miss a beat. Taking a large inhale of his pipe before letting the smoke out in a deep plume the leader leveled the man with a no nonsense raised brow.
"I expect a father to raise his son."
Kakashi felt the last of his will leave his body as he tilted dangerously to the side.
"He is an Uchiha." Fugaku pressed, pointing sharply at the positive genetic information on the paper. "Wether or not his mother comes forward isn't an issue. He is part of my clan."
"As the documents clearly show Uchiha-san," The matron drawled in her obvious 'I seriously don't give a rats ass about your damn politics, now shut up so I can leave already' tone. "The mother, who wishes to stay completely anonymous, states bluntly that the child shall be completely under the custody of Hatake Kakashi and no other. Indefinitely. Your clan will have no place in his upbringing."
"That-!" The head yelped as he was cut off with a sharp glare.
"Is the mother's legal right." The matron pushed her glasses up her nose as she picked up a folder, tapping it loudly against the table. "She has completely disowned and annulled any relationship with the child, giving full custody to the father." She glared at him, daring him to try to argue the issue another ten times before turning to look at Kakashi. "Her identity is a mystery even to Hatake-san, whom apparently met her while both undercover. Now, if we can wrap this up?"
The boy let out a loud burp, catching their attention.
And with that all four adults turned to look across the room, catching the eyes of the ANBU Captain's miniature copy, the one and a half year old little boy munching on a large tomato while he sat on his blanket, eyeing them all back with his large happy curved eyes. He smiled, waving enthusiastically as his father turned green around the edges. Heiki, as was his name now, watched with even more joy as the Hokage cleared his throat, finally ending the meeting.
The once great war general giggled cutely under his breath as his past self stumbled to his feet, still looking around in stunned traumatic horror as the Matron handed him his new things, trembling as if he were meeting the great death god himself.
Maa maa, Naruto was absolutely right, pranking was great.