"I'm tired," Kyogre complained, slouching terribly in his plastic chair. (For convenience's sake, most legendaries went to god meetings in human form, as to not attract too much human attention. The last time the meeting was conducted while everyone was in their true forms, a hotshot trainer had noticed and tried to catch Arceus.)

"You've been asleep since I woke you up for the last meeting, how are you possibly tired?" This came from Rayquaza, who had, for some inconceivable reason, purchased an armchair for the meeting instead of the customary cheap foldable. Her posture was, as always, impeccable.

"I woke up in the middle because someone was snoring too loud and shifting the tectonic plates!" He glared accusingly at Groudon. "And then all this rock started digging into my back, and then I woke up and realized that I was hungry. So then I had to swim all the way to Lilycove—you would not believe how hard it was to not be spotted by any trainers—and get some food, but they have literally nothing good to eat there. And so then—"

"Shut up," Groudon growled. "Nobody cares, goldfish."

"What did you just call me?!"

"Goldfish. Got a problem with that?"

"Yes I do, you overgrown lizard!" shouted Kyogre, jumping to his feet. Groudon rose in response, the ground cracking beneath his feet.

"Kyogre! Groudon! Be civil!" Rayquaza shouted, causing half of the other legendaries to draw back involuntarily. The two quickly sat down, but not without exchanging glares.

"Anyways," Arceus said quickly, "We are gathered here today to hear your reports on what has occurred in the past century."

"What?" Jirachi interjected, yawning halfway through the word. "Sorry, just dozed off for a minute there."

Arceus sighed. "I said that we are gathered here to hear your reports on the events of the past century. Dialga, you may start."

"Right," the temporal Pokémon said to himself. "So this wacko dude named… Cypress? Cyrus? I forget—decided to destroy the whole fucking universe—"

"Language!" Kyurem yelled, shaking his useless cane at Dialga. (When questioned, Kyurem claimed that canes were stylish. The popular opinion was that he wanted to look even more like an old man than he already did.)

"Er, whole flipping universe, and for some reason he thought that me and Palkia could do that—which we obviously can't, I mean geez, I guess I could go back to the start of the universe and make sure Arceus didn't do things, but then the timeline would get all screwed up and I would get a horrible paradox headache. So anyways, he managed to capture all of our little pixie friends here—explain that, you three," he said accusatorily, glaring in the general direction of Uxie, Mesprit, and Azelf.

"Hey, they were smart," Mesprit defended. "And besides, I was bored. I wanted to see what they were doing."

"Same as her," Azelf announced quickly.

Had Uxie's eyes not been closed for fear of accidentally unleashing their power, she would have rolled them. "I simply let myself be captured to see why they had."

Dialga snorted. "Well anyways, he somehow managed to use them to make this weird chain thingy and used it to summon me and Palkia. Which was just so totally rude—I mean, I was just chilling, thinking about stuff, and then poof! I was summoned. So then he used it to control us—which was really rude—but then Giratina showed up! Can you believe it? I haven't seen him in ages! And then he made this big ol' rip in space—how did you like that, Palkia—and broke everything up."

"For your information," Palkia said frostily. "That rift was made with my explicit permission."

"Oh, come on! You were just as far away from your right mind as I was. There's no way you could've done that."

"No, beforehand. I gave Giratina permission to come into the human realm." A mixture of gasps and shocked exclamations followed.

"Order!" Arceus shouted. "Palkia, care to explain to the assembly why you did this?"

"Well, he looked pretty lonely. And, well, I'm sure he wouldn't be doing any harm. Besides, he's a pretty nice guy."

"You have a point, Palkia. In the future, I would rather you consult me before making such a drastic decision," the god of creation commented mildly.

"Of course, Arceus."

"How can you be so calm?!" Cresselia burst out. "You just unleashed an… an ancient monster who can easily destroy reality! I can't believe you!"

"I'm just as dangerous, according to humans," mumbled Darkrai.

"But you have me to balance you out! Darkrai, you're not a threat because I keep you from being one!" (Darkrai grumbled something about not being that threatening on his own, but Cresselia's voice quickly overpowered his.) "Who's there to keep Giratina harmless?"

"Me," Arceus announced suddenly. "As I am sure you all know, I have little else to do. You keep the universe in order quite well. I can easily handle a few visits from Giratina."

Ho-Oh gasped. "But, sir! Such a thing surely isn't proper for you, you are the god of the universe, the Creator—"

"You should know by now that I am your equal. Giratina is nearly as powerful as I am, or at least he was the last time I fought him. At the very least, keeping him under control will alleviate a bit of my boredom."

"But—but he's dangerous. He rebelled back then and is strong enough to mess everything up, how can he be trusted to play nice now?" Ho-Oh glanced around fearfully, as if expecting the ancient god to appear at any moment.

"That was millions of years ago. He's spent quite enough time being cooped up in another dimension, it's time we gave him a chance to redeem himself. Now, can we stop questioning my decisions and get on with this meeting?" Arceus looked around coolly, daring the other legends to say something. They cowered appropriately. "Good. Now, Dialga, as you were saying?"

"Er, okay. Anyways, then this weird human kid showed up. And I was like, okay, what the fuck, why is life not making any sense right now, when can I leave, and then they just hopped into Giratina's voidy thing after the idiot dude and some blonde chick. Then I left because seriously what the fuck. I don't need this shit in my life. I didn't sign up for this. Why does this happen to me— "

"Dialga. Shut up," Palkia groaned. "We don't need another of your famous tangents."

"Says the one who took up the entire meeting three centuries ago babbling about the wonders of human tea!"

"Well, at least I don't stop in the middle of a battle to remark about how dickish Azelf is!"

"Well, he really is, you have to admit!"

"Hey!" yelped Azelf, offended.

"Kids these days," wheezed Kyurem.

Reshiram rolled his eyes. "They're all older than you. I don't think you have any right to call them kids."

"Silence!" boomed Zygarde, their voice echoing around the room. Everyone, including Arceus himself, jumped at the sound of the usually silent legend's voice. "If everyone is so intent on bickering, I would rather leave."

"Guys. Listen to them. Zygarde is scary when they're mad," Yveltal stage-whispered. "Believe me, they will kill us all someday. Mark my words." Xerneas rolled her eyes and whacked her counterpart over the back of his head.

"Really, I agree with Zygarde on this one. You're all being ridiculous." She sniffed. "I was under the impression that we were supposed to be talking here, not arguing over petty things."

Arceus, still seemingly surprised by Zygarde's sudden interjection, attempted to recompose himself. "Ah, yes. Talking. Dialga, is that the end of your report?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Good. Palkia, have you anything to add to that?"

"No, Arceus. That's about all that happened in Sinnoh this century, and you know we don't like leaving it much."

"Rayquaza, anything to report?"

"Skies are fine. I noticed that the Pidgey population has been rising quite a bit, actually. I wouldn't worry about it, though, it will likely go back to being stable on its own."

"Does anyone have anything to add to that?" After a moment's pause, Arceus continued. "Kyogre, anything to report about the seas?"

"Nah, everything's normal."

"Anyone want to add to that?"

The discussion continued in that fashion for a while, with little to report and Zygarde's intimidating leer preventing arguments. Jirachi fell asleep, as was to be expected (the poor Pokémon was running on sheer willpower alone, lacking the ability to stay properly awake outside of its designated wish-granting week), and the two Mews granted immortality for their help in establishing the Pokémon population leaned together to carry out a whispered conversation.

As Cresselia finished her report on the state of dreams, Arceus cleared his throat loudly. "Well, I believe that wraps up our reports, unless anyone has something to add." No one spoke. "Good. Now, I have decided in the past… Dialga? How much time has passed since the beginning of this meeting?"

"Three hours, fourteen minutes, twenty-one seconds, and six milliseconds exactly," he responded automatically.

"In the past three hours, then, I have decided that it would be appropriate to formally allow Giratina to visit this realm. Palkia, if you'll open a rift?"

Ho-Oh, predictably, started to object. "Really, just letting him in while we're all assembled like this? Are you sure that this is wise— "

"Shut up, you," Lugia said firmly.

"Of course, Arceus," Palkia responded pleasantly. She got up, walked to the center of the room, and held out an arm. A ripple appeared in the air, slowly growing until it reached the ceiling. It tore open like a wound.

"Giratina," Palkia called into the rift. "Arceus would like for you to come into the real world right now. In human form, please, we're indoors."

All the entities in the room held their breaths. Half a minute passed, then a minute. No one exhaled on account of not really needing to breathe.

When exactly one minute and forty-six seconds, on the dot, had passed, a human head finally peered out of the rift.

"Wow," it said. "Why is everyone looking at me?"

"Hello, Giratina," Arceus said calmly.

"Hi Arceus. Wow. Are you going to kill me? Because you look really scary right now. And you never actually say my name when you say hello to me unless you're angry at me. I think. Fuck, I forgot how you talk. Sorry."

"I'm not going to kill you. Calm down."

"Oh. Good." He looked around the room cautiously. "Wow. I can't remember there being so many of us. Oh, hi Kyogre. You look good."

"Long time no see," the sea god offered.

"Yeah. You know, that sounded a lot like a water pun. Don't tell me you still do that."

"Nah, just a coincidence. Stopped doing that five thousand years ago."

"Good, that was annoying. Wow, it's really been that long? Damn. Really lose track of time in there," he said, pointing behind him.

"Actually, it's been two million, three thousand, two hundred and fourteen years. And three months. And two days," Dialga interjected.

"Oh. Wow. That's a long time. By the way, I'm sorry for the whole trying to destroy reality thing. That was really stupid of me. Fuck, I don't think you can forgive me for that. I wouldn't forgive me for that. So… guess I'll just go now. Don't think anyone wants me here. Bye." He turned to leave.

Arceus abruptly rose to his feet, and was next to the exiled god almost immediately. "Giratina, no," he said firmly, grabbing onto the being's arm. "You exist for a reason, and that reason is to govern over destruction. The world is incomplete without your existence. We need you here."

"No, you don't. You've gotten along fine without me, haven't you? Two million years without me, and look at the world. It's in perfect condition. Big, happy, healthy. Whole. Bring me into the equation, and the whole thing gets messed up. More death, more destruction, more work for you guys. Why risk that and more? Just leave me to rot in the Distortion World. That's all I'm really good for, when it comes down to it."

"No, it isn't," Arceus said, voice raising slightly. "Sure, the world is populous and healthy, but it won't be like that forever. Things are still getting created, even now. Remember when we made Xerneas? You saw that too much life with nothing to balance it would end poorly. You made Yveltal. And if it wasn't for that, the world would be overpopulated, unbalanced. We need you to remind us that we need destruction to balance out creation."

"Everyone hates me," Giratina whispered.

"I don't. I never have. And, with work, no one else will either."

"Okay," he said, looking the god of the universe straight in the eyes. "I'll choose to trust you, since I'm lonely and you won't leave me alone until I agree to do what you say. So. What do you want me to do?"

Arceus smiled. "Just stop by whenever you want to. I'll find you when you do."

"Oh. That's simple. Is that it?"

"Yes."

"Wow. I have an easy job. Uh. Bye for now then, I guess. I would rather not have all-powerful beings try to murder me right now. Even though that's somewhat impossible. And I'm also an all-powerful being. My point is that I would rather not deal with that right now. Bye. See you later, I guess."

Arceus let go of his arm, and he walked through the rift. It closed behind him with a soft whomp.

"Well then. That sorts that out. Meeting dismissed, see you here in a century." And with that, Arceus left the room.

"Did that really just happen?" Mesprit asked tentatively.

"Yeah, unless we've both gone insane," Azelf responded.

"I think we've both gone insane. Let's go get treatment for that," she said, standing up. Azelf and Uxie followed her, and then everyone else stood up.

And then everyone left, considerably more astounded than they had been in about five centuries.