Just a quick one shot I couldn't get out of my head, because Arrow is just killing me this season! And we are only two episodes in.
I own nothing.
Typed this pretty quickly, so I apologise in advance if there are any errors.
Enjoy!
They never question her about the other.
Ray never questions her about him texting her all the time, about her answering his calls within the first few rings when she seemed to always miss his calls. He doesn't question why she spends so much time with him or what they do, or why she will drop whatever she is doing for him, but always seemed to have plans when he tries to make some. He doesn't ask why they are always so close, why personal space isn't an issue between them or why they touch each other almost unconsciously. He doesn't question why they always know when the other enters or exits a room or why she cares so much when he leaves. He doesn't question how she reads him so well, when nobody else seems to have a clue, or why she seems less on edge when he's around.
Oliver never questions where she had been so late or who was calling. He never questions why she couldn't come some nights or what her plans when she left were. He doesn't ask about the flowers on her desk when he visits her at work or about a new piece of jewellery. He doesn't ask about her day or about Ray. He never questions how serious they are or if she loves him. He doesn't questioned why she is dressed up or why she was late.
She knew they both do it out of love and fear, both were afraid of the answers but both loved her enough not to want to know. She knows that she is breaking both of their hearts and knows that only one is breaking hers. She knows that it is all going to end badly and she knows that when it does none of them will be happy. She knows that they will both know the reason if she ended the relationship and she knows that it would cause them both pain, pain she knows she is powerless to stop.
She hates that she knew Ray would look the other way that he was okay with being the second choice because he was the choice, she hates that he would be prepared to start a life with her anyway and she hates that she doesn't love him enough to try. She hates that Oliver would accept it because he thinks it's the life that she deserves, one he thinks that he can't give her. She hates that she wishes that she could be the sort of person that could go along with it, that she could tell herself that she loves Ray enough to make it work and that maybe one day her lie might come true. But most of all, she hates that she can't lie to herself, that she knows that if Oliver ever decided that he could be Oliver Queen again, she would be there waiting no matter how much she tries to tell herself that she wouldn't be.
She wishes that it bothered her that Ray doesn't question it, that he ignores it. She wishes that it didn't bother her that Oliver doesn't question it, she wishes that he would fight for her, that he would realise he is enough for her. She wishes that she didn't know the sort of man he actually was, that he didn't know her and that she could just move on. She wishes that he could give her more than maybes, she wishes that he never told her that he loved her and she wishes he would tell her again. But most of all, she wishes that she didn't know that she was it for him, and that he was it for her, that no one else will ever compare.
It hurts her when Oliver lingers and it hurts her when he pulls back. It hurts her to watch him hurt over it all and it hurts her when he does nothing about it. It hurts her to try to move on and it hurts her to hang onto hope. It hurts her to see him love her without being able to do anything about it and it hurts her to see Ray love her because she knows she'll only end up hurting him.
She pauses too long when Laurel asks about her and Ray, she pauses too long when she asks if she loves him. She pauses too long when Dig asks how she is, she pauses too long when he asks if she loves Oliver. She pauses too long too often that the questions quickly stop coming from team arrow, because as Roy puts it; the answers are clear.
Her mind tells her she is crazy, that she shouldn't give up a shot at happiness, a shot at something that would have seemed perfect to her before she met him, just for a 'maybe' but her heart tells her that she wouldn't be happy if it wasn't with him, that a 'maybe' was better than nothing. Her mind tells her that the relationship founded on lies shouldn't be placed above the one founded on truth, but her heart tells her that she placed more trust in the man who came back to her with terrible lies time and time again, than the man who after one not so truthful encounter was very straightforward in his truths.
When she does end it, he begs her not to give up on them, that he loves her and they can get past whatever the problem is. But she can't bring herself to tell him that she had given up on them before they had started, that the problem was that he wasn't Oliver, she can't bring herself to tell him that she would take Oliver's begging her not to ask him to tell her that he doesn't love her over his uncomplicated words any day.
He finally questions if it's about him, if it's because she loves him and she pauses too long and the answer that he feared and knew was clear. He tells her that he doesn't deserve her that he's a playboy and they will never last, but he doesn't expect it when she answers with a laugh and an 'I know'. Oliver never questions her when he finds out, none of the team do, they all know the reason why.
She senses him watching whenever he sees her with Oliver, she knows he is waiting for signs that they are together and she senses his surprise when he realises that they're not. She's not surprised at the distance Oliver is keeping from her while in his sight, she knows that he is trying to show that they are not. He watches the two closer than before, now unafraid to know the truth, he watches them whenever he gets the chance and starts to wonder how he was ever able to turn a blind eye.
He questions her about it a few weeks later, about why they aren't together. He doesn't let her off with her quiet comment of it being complicated and states that it's clear they love each other. He sees the pain on her face and realises that as much as it all hurt him, it hurt her more and it the pain isn't lessening for her as it was for him. He wishes he realised earlier, he wishes that he hadn't spent so long hating her for something that hurt her more, but most of all he wishes that he had seen what was going on between them before, that he had never gotten involved in whatever it was going on. Her silence makes him think she isn't going to give him more, but when she finally tells him that loving each other isn't always enough, it nearly breaks his heart all over again but for the pain she was feeling instead of for himself.
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