JOHN MICHAEL GOETZ

He was starting to question himself, at exactly what point would he go to far? What point would he have traded so much of himself that he had completely lost his moral compass..... His dad always teased him about the number of hamburgers he could eat from McDonalds growing up, that and his growth spurt when he hit his teens is how "Mac" had affectionately replaced the "Johnny" the family always called him by. He had been the oldest in a family of five. Joe Goetz had moved the family up to Savage MN, when Mac was three to take a job offer up there. Both the girls had been born there, but there had been no family connections and they had kept pretty much to themselves before Joe died unexpectedly of a heart attack twelve years later. Mac had pitched in with his mom to help hold the family together as a team after Dad's death, before Mom had met Doug. Joe had been a seasonal ag worker which allowed him the free time for his kids' school games, camping trips, and home projects during the winter but had never left any extra money and no ability to put back any savings. They had been very happy back then and it strengthened the bonds between the four of them after Joe died. Mom had met Doug just after Mac's sixteenth birthday, and it hadn't gone well between the two of them from the beginning. He had gotten along alright with Doug's son who they only saw maybe once or twice a month, but he had resented the guy trying to move into his Dad's place, his snide comments about Joe's financial abilities, and the way Mom had stopped asking his opinion and started taking Doug's. Life changed. He had gone from feeling like an adult heavily invested in his family to being an obnoxious kid who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut. His sisters handled it a lot better. Jamie had only been seven and Janet had been ten, they were old enough to remember Dad but they were young enough to welcome Doug in and had not resented him quite the way Mac did. Having more cash and less stress on Mom in the house combined with a more normal family life had made his arrival welcome to them. If only there weren't the constant clashes between Mac and his new stepfather. Then the recruiters had taken a big interest in him his senior year. Mac was desperate to get out of the conflict at home - no matter how hard he tried he couldn't keep his mouth shut and neither could Doug. With no money for college and no outlook for a job, he had grabbed the offer the military had made him with both hands. He was smart and he was big. He had sprung up in high school, those Big Macs had him over 6' tall by the time he had hit 17. Basic had shaped his body and in addition to another late growth spurt, he had a very strong physical presence. His mom was proud of him again and the family, even Doug, treated him with respect and asked him questions when he came home on his brief visits. He had been blessed with good genetics and brains, now all he needed was the opportunity.

The military had given him a place to stay, a routine, a sense of purpose - an outlet where he was recognized and valued. His self-esteem and confidence rose. Finally he had found something he was good at. He didn't mind getting sent to Iraq, it was job that needed to be done and he had both the skills and the desire to do it. He loved his country as well as his family and he wanted both of them protected. So how had all that idealism and faith turned into this? Iraq had been easy at first. Follow orders. He had had enough training to know what he was doing and how to do it correctly. He had built up enough of a wall to distance himself from the things he was required to do that he didn't like. Having his dad die at an early had helped him learn how to compartmentalize things. Most people here knew him as Goetz or, maybe, John. There were very few people who knew Mac had ever existed. He still believed in good/bad, black/white and he still knew Americans were the guys on the white horses. He was ambitious and he was proud of the fact that he had started contributing a good chunk of his pay to a scholarship fund back home for both the girls. They WOULD go to college. He knew both Mom and Doug - he refused to call him Dad like the girls did - were pushing them pretty hard but they also now had Danny to help support, too. Getting that step up in rank meant a step up in pay which meant there would be a bigger cut to set back for the girls and he was fully focused on getting ahead. He had never forgiven Doug's cuts about his Dad and he was determined to help see Janet and Jamie settled before he could think of himself. The problem was, the longer he was in Iraq the more his idealism wore off and the more the organizational problems stood out. The harder it got to ignore the people who only did the absolute minimum they had to do to get by, the illegal shortcuts that nobody had the time or the energy to prosecute, or at least - for God's sake - put a stop to. The madder he got and the more he pushed, the higher the number of personal grudges he racked up. He had even gotten a couple of black marks on his permanent record for incidents he refused to let slip under the rug that ended up falling back on him. He could understand the regular enlisted, but what really burned him was the senior officers who simply wanted to act like they were here on vacation instead of safeguarding the people they had been sent here to protect. It was easier to be idealistic when he had first arrived but as he kept meeting and exceeding his goals and his rank grew, he had to start making decisions that depended on other people. He had to start weighing options against outcomes and the waters started getting muddier. It started getting a lot harder to be sure where right ended and wrong began and the shades of grey started creeping in between the black and white. His service date was getting closer, and he had spent so much of that time focusing on his training that it hadn't left him a lot of free time for socializing, but his superiors knew that they could count on him. He knew his job, he knew the capabilities of the people he worked with, and he knew the protocols and the standard drills by heart. He could quote you the Manual and list the page and paragraph. In a crisis situation he could go on auto pilot, his body knew instinctively what actions and procedures to follow.

Then came one of his occasional nights out with Mike and Adam when Tony had tagged along. That night Tony had made the last seven years seem worthless. It didn't matter how hard he worked or how much he cared, he'd never have Tony's background and opportunities. If he had just gone back stateside as he was planning when he was scheduled - he would have been there when everything went down, but Tony had him seriously questioning his entire service period and what would happen if he went home. Janet was more than halfway through college, and Jamie was well into her first year. They both had gotten good scholarships and were now working through the college. If they didn't have enough for all their schooling they had a good start. He wanted to be able to start thinking about himself. Let's face it, he just got scared. He, Adam, and Mike had a routine game of pool at least twice a month. The three of them had gone through basic about the same time and had stayed close as they arrived over here. They were the only ones who still called him Mac, though they hadn't known the story behind it. Tony had followed along after Mike - a loudmouth, rich military brat who represented everything Mac disliked about the service. Tony seemed to deliberately set out to punch Mac's buttons and he was feeling crappy enough that he got past his walls. The night ended a lot earlier than he had planned, but at least it didn't end in the fight it had been headed for. Mike had apologized the next day for Tony, but the damage was done.

A Jennings and Rall recruiter had caught him off the base at lunch about a month ago. He came specifically looking for him and Mac would be lying if he hadn't been flattered. His mom had been excited when he had casually mentioned it during a letter home, but he hadn't seriously considered working for them up till the night Tony blew his mouth off. The pay was incredible, but with some of the rumors that were floating around about them he was scared of exactly what he would be letting himself in for. It did start him thinking about it though. First mistake. The guy had said the offer was on the table, waiting, unless he chose to take the military up on another tour. Fuck Tony and his 3-star Dad. The offer would be standing for about 6 months after he resigned his commission and returned to the States. They were willing to wait for a man of his caliber.

Everybody on the base knew about Ravenwood, the guys made good money and the rules didn't seem to apply the same to them. Mac really liked how tight their organization was, everybody knew their job and stuck to it. He still didn't realize the fear that made the organization hum.

He had no close connections in the states anymore and while mom would be happy to have him home, he knew Doug wouldn't welcome him. Janet and Jamie were forging their own way and had been for the last 10 years. His years in the service really left him nothing in common with them anymore. He couldn't see how his skills and training would transfer to a job in the states. That was the second mistake, not looking beyond the carrot they were dangling for him. He just got scared of going back to being what he was before. Poor with nothing. … The military had been everything to him. His idealism started to resurface. Third mistake. He should have left it dead and buried it, but he used the excuse that maybe J&R would be a better organization if he went into it. HE might be a better person for it. They weren't so tied up in the bureaucracy and stagnation that was crippling the military. They were strictly a private organization and they were offering him a team of trained, hand-picked personnel. No wide-eyed greenies fresh from the states who would need somebody to baby sit them for the first 5 months. A good salary that would leave him well enough off after 4 or 5 years to live comfortably and possibly return to school himself.

Ravenwood hadn't been what he had expected. The company really didn't care about what you did or how you did it as long as you got the results they paid you for. J&R had the money and the pull to deal with the aftermath of what you left behind. Mac still cared about how things were done, but a lot of the other units didn't. Yeah, he didn't get the fresh-faced kids anymore, but some of what he did get were pretty scary. Hey, the more physically intimidating they were, the easier it made the job. The more you sent cold shivers up people's spines the less likely they were to try to go up against you. It was just part of his job to ride herd and direct them.

When the bomb hit they had known something was up, but nobody was talking and Mac hadn't been high enough on the need to know list to find out anything concrete until a week and a half after the blasts. Communications had been completely shut down to the states the first three days after the attack, and the next month was hell. They were an ocean away with their hands tied. They could only sit back and watch. What they did finally learn sent everybody into a tailspin. His hometown was only about 30 minutes from the Minneapolis ground zero. September 19 was Danny's birthday and they had probably been where they held all the birthday parties - camping out at Hidden Valley Park. Janet had made the trip up from school for it. Outside, they wouldn't have stood a chance. He just hoped it had been fast because he didn't want to think of the alternative, not even for Doug would he have wished that.

It would have been easier if had lost them all at the same time, but Jamie had gotten a message through to him from a tent camp in Florida. She had missed the party because she had a week long school assignment down there and he had spent hours frantically trying to make some arrangements, but then so was everybody else. By the time he was able to set something up it was too late. She had died of undisclosed causes. They had sent him her personal effects as much for identification as for anything else, There hadn't been much: a school bag full of books, a silver crucifix, and an engraved Mickey Mouse watch that he had sent her on her sixteenth birthday. He spent three days almost catatonic, only working because it kept him from thinking about the fact that she was lying nameless in a mass grave outside Fort Myers.

Jamie had been the family baby, she had never had to take care of herself because there was always either him or another family member around to look after her. Though he had kept in touch with everyone by the internet, he had very rarely made it back until last Christmas. He had warned Mom, but it was supposed to be a surprise for everybody else. Jamie had still heard him pull up and she had hit him full in the back as he was pulling his bags out of the backseat of the rental car. Mom had been yelling because she had run out in the snow in stocking feet but her eyes were shining and her waterfall of long straight hair had tickled his face when he had turned to hug her. He had been 14 again with his four year old sister hanging on him. While he loved his Mom and Janet, Jamie had been the one who wrote the most and whom he had been the closest to. It surprised him that he even missed Doug now. Losing them all wiped a part of him away that he hadn't realized he depended on.

Finally as he was laying there one night he had a vivid dream of a night his dad was still alive. It had been a baseball game that he had taken the loss of pretty hard. His eyes were closed and he could feel the deep hum of Midnight on his lap as he sat at the table. He could smell the pine disinfectant that his Mom cleaned the kitchen with and the warm wisp of the dish detergent as she did dishes at the sink. Janet had been trying to wheedle something out of her.

"Mac, cut it out, don't take it so hard." He felt the arm he was leaning his head against grasped firmly in a large warm hand. "Mac, you got to stop looking at the things you did wrong and appreciate the ones you did right. You and Mark Noram pulled a perfect double play out there. Both times you were at bat you got your runs - one was almost a homer, you made third base. Come on Dude, snap out of it." Man he hated it when his dad used slang.

Mac opened his eyes to see his father looking at him concernedly. Everything was crystal clear.

"John, you can't continually second guess yourself. Yeah, maybe if you had thrown it to Mike instead of home plate it would have worked better, maybe Jeff wouldn't have caught it either. They could have got a couple more runs in."

"John, regrets are for people…. People who want to take the time to sit around and cry about stuff. Who don't want to look for a better way to use their resources. You can't let second guessing yourself cripple you. It's a catch 22, son. If you don't make the decision and stand behind it then you have still made a decision. Plan ahead for contingencies, practice, practice, practice… but son, don't regret the stuff you don't have any control over. Just do the best you can and appreciate the advantages when you get them. They won't happen that often." Dad settled back relaxing in his chair blowing out a plume from the cigar he held loosely in his right hand.

The dream had faded leaving Mac with a sense of peace he hadn't had in a long time. Realistically he admitted that if he had been stateside he would have been at the park, there would have been absolutely nothing he could have done for Jamie then either. There wouldn't have been anyone to accept her things or even put a name to her. Work still had to be done and there were so many other people down. Everybody in his unit had lost loved ones, everybody was at their breaking point. They were thrown together and isolated from the outside by their losses and all the defenses he had built over the years started dissolving into the people around him as theirs drifted into him. He lost two of his guys to self inflicted wounds after they had received news from home. After that he made sure that actual details of family member's deaths were not disclosed unless there was a justifiable reason. It was too hard on everybody. He would never be able to step foot in Florida without throwing up.

How was he supposed to know when he joined J&R that ultimately he wouldn't be able to walk away from the team who had become his family, who had shared his burdens as he had shared theirs after that hideous day when the country they knew disappeared? Once again another abyss had opened leaving him teetering on its rim, once again it had closed leaving him harder and stronger. New cords began growing from the severed older ones, binding him irretrievably to the people around him. Once again people began finding Mac. Everyone in his unit was in the same shape, reeling and trying to find some reason to pull through. They depended on him to set the example. To make the right decisions, pull them together, and then to lead them forward. J&R was calling them home One of the new "presidents" had met their demands and Ravenwood was going to fly into the cleared Sac airforce base in Omaha. Suddenly, the job was the same, but his entire world view … shifted. Instead of being able to neatly compartmentalize his job and distance himself from it, he kept running into shades of his past. It was no longer Islamic extremists in his crosshairs, now he was seeing all the people that he had loved and lost..... He realized how much of his humanity he had put on the auction block and sold on blind faith to a government and a company he no longer believed in. He was wondering just how much more of it he was willing to give up.

He was also testing the bounds of his own ties to J&R. He no longer trusted them and was no longer willing to give them his undivided loyalty. He wasn't going to screw this up, though. He was going to be smart and start planning. J&R couldn't suspect what he was going to do. He was going to protect himself and his people, following orders to the letter, but he was going to start looking for an out, an out that would have to include his unit with him. But it was going to take planning. Planning, time, and money ….. That and the prayer that he wouldn't have to sell too much more of his soul to do it.