Ladelle, I took your comment way too seriously. I wrote you in a fanfic with sage Naruto, and Sasuke to boot!
WARNINGS: Crack fic, aka a fic that has no purpose to it other than to be humorous through utter nonsense, MEGA SPOILERS UP THROUGH MANGA CHAPTER 431, MalexMale sex (yaoi), written by an author who was sick and currently has had little sleep and is now hyped up on too much caffeine in an attempt to stay awake, use of first, second, and third person, and real-life insertion of fellow (very sweet, kind, and beyond talented) author: Ladelle. (Oh, this fic might also not make much sense.)
I don't own Naruto, and I make no money from this fic. It's a gift for Ladelle. I hope it makes you smile even if it's so random.
(If you're looking for a real fic and/or a GREAT fic, go read Ladelle's stories.) Still here after all that? I'm surprised. Anyway...on with this fic!
Once Upon A Time In The Land Of Konoha...
...there lived this AWESOME and totally hot guy named Uzumaki Naruto. He started out as a cheeky little kid, too loud, and too borderline emo to be much of a ninja. But nine years and three months later after being introduced in the Shounen Jump magazine, he turned into this BEAST of a ninja. And no, by beast I don't mean like an animal.
By beast I mean totally awesome, able to kick anybody's ass. WHAM! They're down for the count, type of beast.
Now, Uzumaki Naruto, extremely powerful and amazing in his new sage mode that lets him be super strong and withstand anything, was invincible except for one weakness:
Ramen.
So, you see, there was this voyeur – er, I mean author – named Ladelle who liked this new sage Naruto so much that she invented a time machine/alternate universe bender thingy (which she actually borrowed and modified from her fics, Misery Business, and Misery Loves Company – both well-written, entertaining, and original fics that you should all go read if you haven't already) in order to go and try and seduce the gorgeous hunk that is Uzumaki Naruto. (Wow, that was a long sentence. If this weren't a crack fic, I probably would shorten it. Anyway – back to the story!)
Ladelle checked her list of things that she needed in order to succeed on her mission to seduce him:
Time machine/alternate universe bender thingy to get to Konoha. Check.
Miso-pork ramen (Naruto's favorite type). Check.
Extremely powerful sedative to knock out Naruto. Check.
Potato sack to carry Naruto back in. Check.
Rope. Check.
(You can probably see where her plan's going.)
When Ladelle reached Konoha in her time machine/alternate universe bender thingy, she happily greeted all the familiar faces that she knew from the manga and anime, including Kakashi, Jiraiya, and Yondaime to name a few because Naruto is a sage now and can do whatever the hell he pleases including bringing people back from the dead! So there.
Anyway, she found Naruto at Ichiraku ramen because you always find him there, especially in fanfics (and this is a fanfic so chances of finding him there are a lot higher).
Ladelle was temporarily stupefied upon seeing Naruto as his gorgeous blonde hair swayed in the breeze that happened to blow through as soon as she saw him. His golden locks glistened in the sun, and the scent – oh the scent that we manga readers and anime watchers never get to smell – assaulted her, and Naruto's scent could be summed up in one word: yummy.
Her eyes were blessed with the beautiful eye candy that was a mature Naruto, looking finally legal (even though he should technically be 21 considering he was 12 when Kishimoto started writing the series over 9 years ago, and 12 + 9 = 21), and drop dead sexy with his cool looking sage jacket.
Huba huba.
Anyway, realizing that she wanted that huba huba for herself, she remembered her plan and went about giving Naruto the ramen laced with a powerful sedative to knock him out so she could kidnap him and have her wicked way with him. Naruto ate it hastily (because it was miso-pork ramen, his favorite). Within a few seconds, after grinning happily, he keeled over. Ladelle quickly (and without anyone seeing her despite the fact that it was a bright and sunny day in Konoha) put the hunk of a man in a potato sack ready to drag him off to her time machine/alternate universe bender thingy.
However, right as she was about to dump him into the time machine/alternate universe bender thingy, Uchiha (drool) Sasuke showed up! NAKED!
Oh no! What to do?
"He's mine!" Sasuke declared.
Ladelle stared at him blankly because it seemed like a very un-Sasuke like thing to do, especially considering the fact that he was naked. His nakedness was very distracting.
It was so distracting that she didn't even realize that Sasuke had untied Naruto from the potato sack. Naruto, being a very powerful sage now, had just woken up anyway because while the sedative would be powerful enough to knock out three dragons (if they were real), Naruto was so powerful that the sedative only lasted a little while.
"Sasuke!" Naruto exclaimed, looking at Sasuke. "You're mine!"
"No, you're mine!"
"No! You're mine!"
Ladelle watched in bemusement as Sasuke took out his sword and slashed all of Naruto's pretty new clothes away. She was only sad for half a second before she realized that Naruto was now naked and looked much better without any clothes on.
The two began to...umm...duel...with their uh…flesh swords, yeah, we'll call it that. And ummm...Sasuke managed to get his...umm...sword...into Naruto's umm...sheath. Yes. So, Sasuke's sword kept going in and out of Naruto's sheath. In and out. In and out.
Very hot.
This lasted for several hours because Sasuke and Naruto have excellent stamina. (And it was good that they lasted for that long because Ladelle passed out at one point due to blood loss. Sakura was kind enough to revive her because she too liked watching Sasuke's umm...sword...go in and out of Naruto's umm...sheath. Yeah, that's what they were doing.)
Anyway, Ladelle decided, rather dejectedly, that she ought to return to her own time and place and let Sasuke take care of Naruto.
She stepped into her time machine/alternate universe bender thingy, and returned to her own time. When she returned, she realized that she had oh-so-conveniently had a tape recorder on her time machine/alternate universe bender thingy and was able to record Sasuke and Naruto's umm...sword...fight...thing.
Giggling madly, Ladelle made lots of copies and sold it on the internet and made millions of dollars from all the Sasuke/Naruto yaoi fans.
She made so much money that she was able to move right next door to Shia Lebeouf who quickly fell in love with Ladelle, and they got married and lived happily ever after.
(And Sasuke and Naruto still have fun with their swords and their sheaths.)
The End.
No animals were harmed in the making of this fanfic. However, one stinkbug (which is an insect, not an animal) did drown in the shower when it happened to find it's way into Jelp's soap dish while she was in the middle of thinking up this fic. It was the stinkbug's fault. Stinkbugs should not hide in soap dishes unless they want to scare the crap out of Jelp and end up being flung wildly because without glasses on, Jelp thinks they look like spiders.
Please excuse this randomness. I'm in rare form today. ~ Jelp