Rising Sun

This takes place in New Moon just before Alice shows up; yet here she does not show up, make of that what you will.

As Jake pressed his hot cheek to the top of my head with his arms enveloping me I knew what I could do, if I only turned my head and pressed my lips to his neck. Jacob would be all too willing to follow suit; I knew the possibilities of what might happen from there on. But what about him, I knew he didn't love me any more, but I still loved him. I ached from the pain he had caused me, but at the same time I ached for him. But still, did I not owe it to him to complete his wishes for me? Of course I had already put myself in danger's way against his last wish, but that was only to make myself happy (another of his wishes for me). Jacob could make me happy, maybe not as much as he could, but enough, but it could never be enough. Not in comparison, but I no longer had that comparison as an option…

I turned my head to his neck, and practically bit him out of frustration for my predicament and nervousness. Jacob's breath spiked, and I continued up his neck, I was shaking, but I was still cold and he was so warm. It was nice really, in a completely different way than it had been with him. With Edward…

My hands were shaking as I lifted them slowly to his neck, just as I was about to get to his lips he put both of his huge hands on my face and pulled me away, to look me in the eyes. For a second I thought about how silly it was for him to use both of his hands when just one could easily have done the job. But then I looked into his eyes; they were burning; yet there was a bit of sadness there too. Why?

"Are you sure Bella?" He seemed angry at himself for having stopped me, but at the same time he sounded curious as to my change of character.

"Of course."

"Bella…" He sounded content, yet at the end he trailed off into ecstasy. How long had I made him wait for this? He pulled me into his chest and crushed his lips to mine. He seemed almost needy like I had taken to long to give this to him. I kissed him back, but I felt that it wasn't as much as he was giving me.

"I love you, I always will." He whispered in my ear just before nibbling on my earlobe and continuing back to mouth. He was so warm; everything seemed so cold in comparison.

I crushed myself against him more, seeking his warmth and his comfort. He pulled me into his lap without breaking the kiss and moaned as I ran my hands through his hair. I love him too, but not as much as I could love someone, I knew that much. But maybe if I just tried a little harder…

With that I began to tug at his shirt, his breathing came heavier. He grasped at the hem of my shirt, almost as if he were about to pull it up, yet he suddenly yanked it down even further than it had been. He pulled away, obviously frustrated that he needed to.

"God Bella, calm yourself," He said with a low throaty chuckle, but I could see the desire and his eyes, and I liked it.

"Sorry, I just…. I haven't felt that-that whole in a long time."

His face hardened and he pulled me once again against his chest and kissed the top of my head.

"He was a fool to ever leave you, if I ever see him-"

"Stop, please…"

The next thing I know he had me around the waist and was leading me to my front door.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said, giving me a chaste kiss in between 'you' and 'tomorrow,' when I craned my neck to look up at him he had his lips spread out across his teeth in an almost goofy grin.

"Umm… Yeah of course," was all I could think of.

With that he took off into the forest and I walked into the hallway, up the stairs, and into my room.

I lay on the bed for hours running through the last hour, bringing back joy, guilt, curiosity, and fear; they all seemed to be mixing together in my stomach, in a disgusting yet appealing mixture.

I missed Jacob's warms arms around me, his lips on mine; it was so much more intense than anything with him had been; yet it wasn't as much, it wasn't as sweet, or as considerate.

I knew I could never love Jacob as much as I loved him, or as much as Jacob loved me, could I still let this continue? Knowing that he could have more, he deserved more. Was I really that selfish?

But, why had my hole not ripped me apart from the inside out, why had I not fallen into pieces yet. I had thought of him so much today, yet here I was, simply contemplating the fear of my fears, not actually feeling them.

Maybe I was healing, but that was too much to hope for. It was almost as hard to hope for as him coming back, but if he did and he saw he with-

I had to stop myself; I could feel my luck slipping. And then they fell, the saddest tears I had cried in weeks. They left me feeling like I had let part of me wash away in my tears, and I didn't know which part it was, one that I was willing to part with or not.

He wasn't coming back, he wasn't, and it was as simple as that. But what if- and he saw me with Jacob- happy. He would think I moved on… STOP! I couldn't control myself, I felt like I was thrashing about because of my internal argument, but in reality I knew I was still, so still that I was almost like a vampire, no of course not, I might as well forget that they even exist, NO! I can't. Not yet.I had to remind myself to breath.

I heard Charlie come in, and I the thought of dinner flashed across my mind, and for a second it confused me. But then I came back to reality, I ran from the bed and down the stairs. I almost collided with Charlie.

"Oh, sorry, I forgot about dinner, I-I…" I trailed off; I knew he would love the idea of Jacob and I together, maybe not all the details, but still the idea. But I didn't know if I could tell him, it would make it that much more real, not that I wanted the moment to be a dream, but my pending decision… yes, I wanted that to be a dream.

"Its okay…" He looked horrified, I must look as bad as I felt, he could sense the return of the zombie, "We can just order pizza."

"Are you sure?"

He scanned my face for a moment looking for any signs of what might have happened, of course he would never just ask, he didn't want to risk having to fumble about while trying to calm my emotional display.

"Yeah."

I woke up the next morning covered in sweat. It wasn't from a nightmare, I knew that much, I remembered enjoying my dream. I concentrated trying to remember what exactly it had been about….

Oh.

It had been about Jacob, me against his warm body, his almost too warm body. Well, I guess that explained the sweat.