More than life
I awoke yet again to the feeling of emptiness that I had grown accustomed to in the past few weeks. I couldn't even escape it, him, in my dreams. His words although tenderly spoken, haunted me; they haunted me like a vicious spirit whose main goal was to tear my heart into pieces. I knew we couldn't, shouldn't be together right from the start but I never imagined the pain to cut this deep.
My recurring dream or rather nightmare was even worse last night than my previous.
It started off as a memory, possibly my favourite, possible my most hated, I was undecided. I was lying on the ground of a lush green meadow, covered in beautiful bluebells and daisies, but their beauty was nothing compared to the still boy lying next to me. All that could be heard was the slow motion of the stream that flowed past us and his steady breathing; to me it was like music. I couldn't help but stare at him, his pale skin glistened in the sunlight. His perfect features seemed more prominent as he was lying down. His eyelids flickered open to reveal liquid topaz eyes, he noticed my staring and a crooked smile crept up on his face. His eyes locked onto mine and he placed his big hand over mine, making it seem small and fragile, he linked our fingers together and for these brief seconds I realised, I had never felt safer. We sat there for what could have been hours, just comfortable with each others presence we didn't need to say a word, it was all written in the small space between us. He sat up slowly, not moving his eyes away from mine. He sat there for a minute not saying a word, he twisted his face in a way I recognised; he was thinking. And then he asked me, something I was so sure he knew.
"Do you love me?" his eyes, crystal blue like pools of diamonds looked worried.
I smiled, "yes" I said breathlessly. "Do you love me?" I was starting to feel worried now, anxious, what if he didn't say it back, what if I just made a complete fool of myself. Before I could think anything else he leaned forward, his lips almost touching my ear and he whispered barely audible. "More than life"
The next thing I knew I was surrounded by nothing but black. Everywhere I looked there was but darkness, and then I saw him, like an angel he floated towards me, but from the expression on his face he looked like he was in pain. As he got closer I could see the tears trickling down his cheeks. Everything started to get blurry and I soon realised that I was crying too, I knew subconsciously what was going to be said and it was naïve of me not to have expected it. Whilst looking at the floor he said the words that I had been dreading since I first saw him.
"I have to leave" each word he said seemed to cause him more pain. He looked up at me, sorrow in his eyes.
"I don't want to but I have to, there is no other way"
A loud sob erupted from my throat, tears were now flowing effortlessly down my face, I felt weak, like my legs were about to give way underneath me. He ran towards me and engulfed me in his arms. My head lay on his shoulder, my tears soaking his t-shirt.
"You ccccant go, I llove you, you lllove me" it was a miracle that he could hear what I said let alone understand it.
"I know, you have no idea how much it hurts me to have to leave you, but it's for your own good I promise, it will get better!"
He hugged me tighter and then whispered in my ear "I love you. More than life"
He loosened his grip and backed away slowly "goodbye my love, i am sorry. I will never forget you!"
And just like that he disappeared, the best thing in my life disappeared and there was nothing I could do about it, I had no control! I fell to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around me, "I love you"
That is always when I wake up, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying sometimes quiet, but always with the same sense of emptiness, the realisation that without him life has no meaning. You'd think I would have gotten used to it by now, after 2 months of more or less the same dream. 'It will get better' he promised, it doesn't feel that way, if anything its gotten worse. Maybe he has moved on, maybe he has forgotten about me. This may sound selfish but I hope he hasn't, I hope he feels the same way as me, at least then I won't seem so pathetic. And maybe, just maybe he will come back.
Those 3 words keep repeating in my head, over and over again as if they are on a turbo spin in a washing machine. 'More than life' 3 words that either help fill the void in my heart or make it worse. Since he has been gone my life has been monotonous, school and life has blurred into one. My friends have tried to help, inviting me out places, trying to make me laugh but I just end up snapping at them so I think they are just trying to stay out of my way now. I didn't mean to do it but some how I have managed to build a wall around myself, I have barricaded myself into this deep pit of depression, like a fort to keep my emotions in so that I don't get hurt. Only one person in this world would be able to knock down this wall but unfortunately this person has gone, gone forever. I know he didn't mean to but I feel abandoned, betrayed by the one I love.
The only thing keeping me going is that I really do believe him; I believe he loved me more than life. Loved, past tense, being the apt word. And I really hope he knows that I love him, more than anything in the world, more than life, more than death.
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