Disclaimer: I do not own South Park.
A/N: Well, well...bet you weren't expecting this, now where ya?
Okay, so I'm sure you did...but whatever...
Stan Marsh let out a heavy sigh as he sat alone at the lunch table. Across the room, he could see the love of his life, the apple of his eye, Wendy Testaburger, sitting next to and chatting happily with her NEW boyfriend, Eric Cartman.
Stan scowled. 'Fuck...goddamn motherfuckin' fuck...fuck...'
It had been about a week since their latest, and final, break-up, and Stan still hadn't gotten over it. He was fine about Wendy seeing another man, but not if that other man happened to be Cartman, the most heartless, fattest son of a bitch Stan had ever met.
"STAN!!! STAN!!! I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT FOR YA, DUDE!!! I FOUND OUT WHY WENDY DUMPED YOU FOR CARTMAN!!!"
Stan, who had buried his head between his arms, glanced up to see his close friend Kyle rushing over to him, with their parka-donning buddy Kenny close behind. However, just as Kyle took his seat beside the depressed black-haired boy, Kenny slipped on a banana peel, and smashed into the wall, dying instantly. His shattered corpse slid onto the floor, and was quickly washed away by the janitor as he passed over it.
"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!!" Stan cried in horror.
Kyle gasped. "YOU BASTARDS!!!"
"So, what'd you find out? Why did that damn bitch dump me for that fatass bastard?" Stan asked, now completely forgetting about Kenny's sudden demise only seconds ago.
Kyle took in a deep breath. "...Are you sure you want to know?"
"Yes! Tell me now!!" Stan snapped back.
"...You sure...?"
"YES!! I'M SURE-"
"It's because he's fat...it's because he's a fatass is why she loves him..." Kyle quickly stated, and stared down at the floor as if in shame.
A wave of nausea passed over Stan's head, as he tried to contemplate what he had just heard. "W...W...What did you just say...?"
Kyle sighed, wishing he didn't have to be the one to explain it all to the already disheartened boy. "You...you see, Stan, in this crazy, mixed-up world of ours, there are...there are women who find men more attractive when they're overweight and obese...they're called FFAs, or 'Female Fat Admirers'. The thing is...since there's no way Wendy would be attracted to Cartman's personality, she might just want him for his body..."
That had done it. Jumping to his feet, Stan ran over to the nearest trash can and spewed up the remains of his lunch. Wiping away some vomit on his lips, Stan sat down again, and buried his face in his hands.
"That's...that's disgusting...!!!" Stan screamed, his voice slightly muffled, "HOW COULD ANYONE LIKE THAT FATASS PIG BASTARD'S BODY?!!! JESUS CHRIST!!! THAT'S THE REASON WENDY LEFT ME?!!! OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE!!! THAT IS SO TOTALLY FUCKED UP!!! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!"
"Hey, I know it's hard to accept, Stan," Kyle replied, and he gave his friend a pat on the back, "But...at least she's not interested in girls with dicks or something fucked up like that..."
Stan nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're-" he immediately snapped to attention, "...What did you just say?"
"Uh...girls with dicks? They're called 'futanari' or something on the net...pretty popular in Japan actually..." Kyle explained, scratching the back of his head.
Stan thought about it for a moment, and then he asked, "Can I...can I see some of this 'futanari'? Just to...uh, you know...see how sick and twisted it is...yeah, that's right...so sick and twisted...hoo hoo..."
Kyle knew exactly what Stan was really trying to say. "You're gonna jerk off to it, aren't you?" he snickered.
Stan nodded. He had decided to be as blunt as possible.
Kyle wiped the sweat from his brow. "Good, because I was getting worried I was the only one who liked that shit...so now let's go find a computer that doesn't have that damn porn-blocker on it!!!!"
His cheerful spirit now restored, Stan ran off with Kyle to the school library, in hopes of witnessing first-hand some of Japan's most erotically odd porn!!
...And Kenny's death was once again forgotten.