Here I was again in the depths of desperation.
Stood on the brink. So close to the edge, so far from what should have been.
One step forwards. That's all it would take. To tumble down and down and to finish this once and for all.
One step backwards. That's all it would take. To be trapped in this never ending cycle of misery.
I tried once before. I couldn't even kill myself, I even failed at that. If I couldn't do that what could I succeed in?
I look down again. Seeing all the jagged ridges of the cliff. Each one representing a time of pain in my life. A pain that I could never escape, a pain that haunted my every breath. My mother, the estate, Paul, Liam, Tony, Frank, Peter. But most of all my baby girl.
My baby girl. Losing her is the most painful thing. Worse than losing Liam or Frank's attack... I could take all of that pain again if it meant I could hold her in my arms. I would hold her and never let her go, shield her from all of the pain and never let her go. I didn't want her until I felt her growing inside of me. Growing bigger and stronger everyday, "a strong and healthy heartbeat" that's all I needed. When she was tucked away inside me I could protect her, hide her from all of the pain, from a father who didn't deserve her. But then she was taken away from me. The single best thing that I could have had was stolen so cruelly. I couldn't even look after my baby before she was in my arms.
Maybe I deserved to lose her. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be happy. This was my one chance to change everything and have happiness but it was taken. I was destined for devastation. Maybe her being taken from me was my punishment. Punishment for all the pain I had to caused to everyone around me. I hurt them and this was revenge.
To think I should be planning her 1st birthday party now. I was only pregnant for four months but they were the four months changed me forever. When I felt her inside me I pictured our future; pushing her down the street, feeding the ducks, waving her off to her first day at school, cradling her after a nightmare, kissing her grazed knees better.
Maybe she's better off where she is. Not trapped in a life with me. What could I offer her? Nothing more than a disastrous life. I couldn't give her any sort of life. I didn't even want her to begin with. What does that say about me? Didn't want my own daughter. She had a lucky escape from a life of being stuck with me.
My heart breaks a little more knowing that all of her is gone. The fire. The fire that destroyed everything. It destroyed every bad memory, every memory of Peter. A man who I loved more than life itself. A man who I would have done anything for. I gave up everything for him, I practically threw away my court case so that I could be with him. Maybe if we hadn't been together and our relationship hadn't come out in court then Frank could have been sent down. At least he'd be rotting in jail still properly paying every waking moment for the cruel way that he took everything from me. I gave up everything and that is how he repaid me. Going off with the 24 year old babysitter. She was only a kid herself. She didn't deserve what happened to her. She didn't deserve to have to deal with the self pitying drunk that is my ex-husband.
I could have forgiven his affair. I could have. After all that's how we began. Maybe if I had we'd still be living our dysfunctional life. As dysfunctional as it was we would have had each other and our baby girl to keep us strong.
But now that chapter in my life is over. I guess the one good thing to come from the fire was that our wedding album was burnt. It was burnt as quickly as our marriage was tainted.
My eyes are burning from the stinging of tears and my legs are weak. They cannot carry this anymore. I position myself to sitting on the rock. My legs hanging freely over the edge. They swing as gently as a flickering candle.
A candle. A candle that destroyed everything. Homes, lives, businesses. Not only were two people lost within that night. I lost all that I had of a baby girl, a baby girl that I never got to meet. My most treasured possession. My scan photo. I had carried around with me everyday since the 12th May 2014. I never went anywhere without it. It was always in my handbag. Every night I would take it out and place it on my bedside table. I would kiss her goodnight and leave her beside me, where she should be, every night. That night within the deep, black smoke I was desperately trying to escape but desperately trying to find her. But I left her, I left her behind on her own. I can never have that back and that is something else that haunts me. Leaving her alone.
I am guilty. Guilty of the death of two people. Two innocent people.
Kal, he had two children, a successful business, a blossoming relationship with Leanne. He entered my flat that night in order to save Amy. I had put her in danger but I had escaped with barely a scratch. Because of me Kal had to pay the price. The biggest price there was. All because of me.
And Maddie. I killed her too. She was a young girl with her whole life ahead of her. She was a bright kid, a kid who had had it tough. I could relate to her. She was me not all that long ago. She had lost her way and needed some help getting back onto the right path hence why I gave her a job, an opportunity. I gave her an opportunity and then I snatched it back from her.
Why did I deserve to live? After I had so recently taken away their lives and chance of a bright happy further. I am damaged goods. So damaged by a past of pain and heartache, pain and heartache that I had brought upon myself. If they couldn't live, why should I?
As I continue to look out across the quarry I bring myself into the present day and the present moment.
All that I had now. I had Nick. I didn't deserve him, he gave me everything, he put his future in my hands for a reason far behind my imagination. Why would he want me? A messed up mind and destroys anything that gets too close. I tried to push him away, to save him. I wanted to save him, he was a good guy. A guy who had already been through too much to cope with the train wreck that is me. But despite all my pushing he didn't budge and for that I love him a little bit more. A love that he had so recently confessed to me. He confessed it and then I threw him out of my flat. I told him I didn't need him.
I needed him. I needed him now more than ever. To feel the warmth of his embrace, his arms holding me tightly. When I am in his arms I feel safe. I feel content. All of my fears melt away when he is there. But now he isn't. I'm on my own. As I should be. What would he want with me? He should be with Erica. She's a stable woman, level headed, normal. She could offer him all that I couldn't. With her he wouldn't have to worry about waiting up for what state she would return in or whether she would return at all. But then he told me, told me everything I needed to hear...
"I don't want her, I want you"
And I want him. I want him so badly, to be in his arms. But now I had lost it all. I had nothing left, I'd stolen his money and when he found out he looked at me in such pain, it broke what was left of my heart. I told him to leave and I'm glad he did because I want to save him. I'm sure right now he's working at his successful business a stark contrast to mine. Underworld is ruined now. No money, no boss, no orders. They all relied on me to put food on their tables. They shouldn't have because now I've ruined them too.
I stand back up. Taking in the feelings of the weight upon my shoulders. I again look across the quarry. A quarry that held our late night teenage parties. I should feel alone standing here but I don't. I hear the echoes of Liam messing around whilst threatening to jump, Paul's car screeching around the corner as we pulled up, Michelle telling us to drink sensibly, Dean trying to get it on with Michelle, Rob trying to keep up with the big kids.
A 14 year old me would use this quarry as my escape. An escape from the memories of home. Not that I could call it a home, it was just a holding bay until I could escape. At the quarry I could get drunk and forget about all of that. And now here as my 40 year old self I am here once again for my escape. But this time I didn't have to return when it was too dark. This time I wouldn't return.
I take another step forwards and my toes hang over the edge. I look down again at the ridges hoping that they would cause maximum pain as I fell because that is what I deserved.
The quarry is so deserted. Everything looks exactly as it did all those years ago. Maybe down there no one will find me. I will truly be alone for ever. I don't want to be found. I don't deserve to be found. I just deserve the pain that I will live with forever.
With that I take in a final deep breath and with that all my worries fall away. They fall away at the rate at which I will soon fall.
I lift up my right foot slowly. Feeling all of the muscles in my legs urging me to stay firmly attached to the safety of the rock beneath me. But finally my head takes over and continues to allow my leg to stretch out.
I close my eyes preparing for what was to come not wishing to see myself being torn apart like all those I had torn apart.
I suddenly hear a piercing shriek...
"Carla wait, it wasn't you, you didn't leave the candle burning, Amy didn't get up in the night and light it. It was me. I did it"