The Eternal Starless Night

Author note / Warnings : This fic is AU, set at some point after the Doctor has started travelling with Bill in the Tardis – it will also be a fic that sees the return of Clara. It's a Twelve x Clara story, a love story, a very passionate and emotional romance with some very heavy storylines.

Rated M : Adult themes. Also a heavy emotional a rollercoaster – if you've read my other fics, you know what to expect.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my love for this fandom.

Summary:

The Doctor is looking forward to travelling on to new destinations with Bill, his new companion, but as they travel through time and space he happens to mention the story of a woman called Clara – who Bill feels sure was so much more than a story, but the Doctor can't remember. He is sure that he wishes he had found her again, and fears the images that stir in his mind of the sweeping wing of a raven as the world falls to darkness, something he can only liken to the eternal starless night of death itself...

On landing the Tardis, the Doctor promises Bill they have arrived on a safe, settled far distant future world filled with earth colonists – and it he is right about that, it seems nothing can go wrong - until the Doctor collapses leaving Bill stranded far from home and her own time.

But Bill's only concern is for her new friend, and when she is told he has suffered the building result of an old injury, it is explained to her that perhaps a wrongly configured memory wipe of some kind had been used by the Doctor – then as she anxiously waits and hopes for his recovery, Bill begins to work out that the memory wipe and Clara Oswald must be linked...

The Doctor's condition remains serious and his recovery is a struggle and complicated by the flood of memories that hit him hard as the memory wipe effects are undone. As soon as he is able to walk the Doctor insists on leaving in the Tardis, as Bill refuses to go home until she is sure he is well again – the amnesia device was configured for human use, the effect on the Doctor has been life threatening and he must rest because his life depends on it – but the memories have returned and as the weakened Doctor begs for her help, Bill agrees to aid him in a search for a Tardis that looks like a diner, and a woman by the name of Clara Oswald who he swears he can no longer live without...

Chapter 1

As they stood together in the console room and Bill watched in wonder at the sight of the stars rushing by, the Doctor caught the look in her eyes. He knew that look, the wonder, the excitement, Bill was embracing every journey as a new adventure, seeing the wonder of everything that he had always loved about travelling in the Tardis, she wanted to welcome it all, and that was always a good sign.

He hoped this would be a long friendship, already she had faced danger and accepted the fact that his life was risky as well as amazing and she understood the downside, the lurking dangers out there - but maybe she didn't see it as a downside, she had it in balance. She just wanted to see more, to explore, and that made him happy. She looked at him as they stood together and she smiled and he smiled back, saying nothing as the Tardis travelled on through the stars.

Bill suddenly turned her head again, looked at him and before she said a word he sensed her mood had changed, looking out there into the vastness of time and space had made her wonder about something that had suddenly come to mind, she was about to ask a question and he could tell this was not going to be an easy one to answer...

"Doctor," she began, "Remember when you wanted to ...make me forget? I was just wondering, still wondering, how many times have you done that?"

A distant lifetime and the name Donna Noble flashed to mind, then he recalled a story of a woman called Clara. It played through his mind as sure as he played the chords to that song on his guitar, and he shook his head.

"Sometimes we become stories," he told her, "I knew a story about a woman named Clara Oswald... It was so real I wonder if it really was a story..."

He paused, looked to the view of space as starlight reflected in his blue gaze and the shimmer of the Tardis lights sent colours sliding through his silver hair. In that moment he was gone, he was somewhere else, Bill was sure of it. Then he blinked it away and looked into her eyes as he spoke softly.

"In the story the Doctor wanted her to forget but she made him forget... or maybe he took a gamble. It would have been far more risky than she knew but something happened... I feel that she wasn't a story. I'd know her if I saw her face again."

Bill thought on all he had just said.

"Why tell me a story when I was asking about forgetting? About you making other people forget? I was asking what you've done, not about stories..."

The Doctor suddenly felt weary. He gave a heavy sigh then turned to the view of space and starlight as he ran his fingers through his silver hair. In that moment he looked elegant, his tall, lean physique flattered by his dark suit as he stood with a far away look back in his eyes.

"Sometimes I dream of a raven," he replied, closing his eyes tightly as the memory of the dream brought it to life in his mind, black, heavy, dragging down darkness with the sweep of its wing as it passed him by and drew the world down into darkness, "It makes me think of the endless, eternal starless night of death... and I can fight it and keep fighting it but eventually it's like sand in an hourglass. Nothing lasts forever."

Bill's eyes widened as she looked at him in confusion.

"Okay... that was a bit spooky. Poetic, but spooky. I don't have a clue what you just said but it made me shiver."

He smiled and shook his head as a hint of sadness came to his gaze. So much ran through his mind in that split second that it would have been impossible to explain, as impossible as the story of Clara had been:

The way she had surprised him with a hug and he had grabbed her and turned her to face him, caught a look in her eyes that matched his own and spoke to his twin hearts as he had pulled her close and they had kissed as the lights shone glowing in an alien hue, then he had taken her by the hand and led her back to his bedroom.

There had been a look of surprise about her that day, Clara liked to be in control but she had not been expecting this and as he lay back on the bed and pulled her down closer she had caught her breath, then he had smiled and so had she, as he spoke softly as he held her in his arms.

"Nothing to say, Clara?" he had murmured as he reached up and swept her hair away from her face, "Not like you at all. Have I finally found a way to shut you up?"

Her dark eyes had filled with a look of love and she had replied with a kiss, then as she started opening up the buttons on his shirt he had laughed.

"Slow down! We have all the time we need."

Meeting her dark gaze again was almost too much for his hearts and his body to bear as the need for her ached body and soul as she opened up another button and pushed his shirt open then placed a kiss on his chest somewhere between his racing hearts.

"I'll take my time," she said tenderly,"I'm going to undress you slowly... just lay back, show me everything..."

The touch of her fingertips as she brushed them across his chest felt so good it was almost unbearable. That was the moment all tension left him and the floodgates had opened as he gave a sob and pulled her closer.

"Clara..."

She silenced him with a kiss.

He had wanted to say he loved her.

He had told her later, on Gallifrey.

By then her heart had stopped beating and nothing would restart it...

By then there had been no time, it had been too late.

Clara was dead, yet living between breaths, between her last heartbeat, that was what he had told the waitress in the diner that had vanished along with the sound of a departing Tardis. But it was a story...just a story, that was all...

"Doctor?"

He blinked and Bill's face came into focus.

"Sorry, I was just thinking..."

"About that story?"

"Yes..." he turned to the controls and began to run his hand just above them trying to look busy as he wished that sweep of a raven wing would not cloud his vision then turn the world around him down to pitch back and the silence of death. Black smoke had poured from her mouth, the lips he had once kissed parted as eyes devoid of life no longer shone and her life was drawn from her body. Clara Oswald had died...

And it was just a story. But if he saw her, he would know her, he was sure of it...

The thoughts kept revolving until Bill spoke again.

"So, this Clara... you say she was just a story but you also said you were there, so maybe it wasn't a story?"

Her reasoning was casting doubts into his mind and he wished she would stop trying to put pieces together that he couldn't make sense of, because vague feelings of confusion and pain were darting about his mind like fish in murky water and he wanted the darting to stop.

"I said the Doctor, I didn't say me, I just said, in a story...why are you asking me so many questions about it? We're in the Tardis, in flight, about to land on a far away planet many years into the future, where hopefully, we should be arriving at a peaceful time in the history of earth colony settlements."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked.

"How about, this is exciting? That sounds much better than dragging up old stories of the past!"

"But how do you know for sure it was just a story?"

He leant heavily on the console and for a moment she caught a flash of tension and a hint of patience wearing thin. It was there in his stiffened body as he leant hard on the console, the look in his eyes as he met her gaze was unmistakable.

"Sorry," she said quickly, "You're right – I should leave your past alone."

"My past? I think I remember someone called Clara but I can't find her, I can''t recall much about her... just moments."

Bill smiled knowingly.

"So how do you know she was just a story? She could have been a real person, maybe everything you remember actually happened! In the story, what was she to you? Friend, or..." she stopped there, catching a guarded look about him.

"Sorry again," she added, "Yes, this future world does sound exciting and I'm glad to be going there. I'm really looking forward to it."

She smiled, but the Doctor didn't.

"I loved her."

His admission had been made in a voice heavy with emotion and the look in his eyes carried deep loss.

"I'd say it again but I've already said it twice -"

"No need to apologise Bill, it was probably just a story."

Then he threw a lever and the Tardis landed.

As they stepped out of the Tardis on to a pathway that overlooked a hillside, the view of white sands and sparkling water reflecting sun was dazzling. Salt was in the air and the breeze was warm as it ruffled the Doctor's hair. He glanced at Bill and saw that look of wonder was back.

"This is an established Earth colony – humans have been here for five hundred years and as I thought you might like to see the town, we'll take in the beach later on. This way."

Bill hurried to catch up with him as the Doctor walked on ahead, leading the way to the top of the hill where the road led towards a town of gleaming white buildings, the taller ones with shining metallic towers and wide glass windows.

"It's beautiful!" Bill said as she looked at the sight of the dazzling buildings gleaming in sunlight. The sky was blue and the air was fresh and clean and like nothing she had ever known on earth.

"It's so...new here!"

"No pollution," the Doctor replied as he took off his jacket, opened up a couple of buttons on his shirt and enjoyed the feel of the breeze as it took off the heat of the day.

Bill took her phone from her pocket and started taking pictures of the fields, the sky, the city in the distance. The Doctor allowed her a few pictures and then as they walked on he placed his hand on the phone and lowered it.

"No," he reminded her, "You won't be posting these anywhere online back home – even a picture could change the future, it probably won't but I think you might want to keep that in mind."

"Oh yeah!" she said, switching off camera mode and stuffing the phone back in her pocket.

The Doctor looked away across the fields as he smiled knowing there was nothing Bill could do here that would harm the future – but with technology so readily at her fingertips, tech that would work instantly back on earth, it was probably better to play it safe, because she loved to take pictures and film of everything, everywhere they went. He guessed in time that urge would wear off when she had been travelling for a while, but for now he would allow her a few pictures, because one day he was sure the pictures would stop.

Nothing lasted forever.

The Doctor blinked, caught his breath and stopped abruptly as the sweep of a raven wing wiped out the sunlit planet and the nearby town as stars were wiped from the sky and all was black as the mist that had escaped the lips of Clara Oswald.

He couldn't stop seeing her lying there, dead and gone.

Clara, I can save you...

Those words echoed about his mind as he reached for her, pulling her back from the moment of death and then...

"Doctor, are you okay?"

Bill's eyes were filled with concern.

"I'm fine."

The Doctor straightened up, felt the breeze against sweat that had run down his face and as it passed through his dampened hair he was glad to be revived by it. There was a pain deep inside his head that had cut through like a knife had been driven in, but now it was throbbing away to a vague and fading ache. And Bill looked scared.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

He put his hand on her shoulder and forced a brief smile that Clara would have seen through right away but to Bill, she was new, she didn't know him very well, she wouldn't see through his lies when he needed them now and then..

"Where did that come from?"

"What are you talking about, Doctor?"

As she stood there bewildered he swayed on his feet, then took another breath that he let out slowly, feeling thankful the pain had melted away.

"The thing... about Clara and me and the raven...I saw her but I can't see her face any more...what was that?"

Bill shook her head, pushing aside a momentary flash of panic as it dawned on her that he didn't look right, he was pale and sweating and unsteady all of a sudden and she was miles and years from home...everyone she knew was dead right now on earth, she was in the future, as far away as she could be and the only person who could take her home again was ill...

He was unwell. There was something wrong with her friend. She clung to that realisation as she decided she would have to keep a close eye on him as they made their way down the road that led into to the town. He seemed steadier now, but he was still pale and his hair was damp with sweat.

"I don't know...some sort of memory, maybe? Of a story?"

The Doctor seemed confused as he thought on it, then he nodded.

"Probably," he replied, then said no more about memories or stories, or gave any thought to which ever they might be.

As they made their way into the town, wide windows boasted shop displays of clothing and fabrics the likes of which Bill had never seen before, such textures and shades that she couldn't help but stare in amazement at the dazzling displays.

"There's a market just up here," the Doctor said, indicating to a wide square further up where market stalls were colourful and seemed to go on for more than a mile.

"Maybe we should take it slowly," she replied, "I want to take my time."

"Good thinking," the Doctor replied, then as the sun hit the white walls of the shops on either side, his headache vaguely throbbed and he put on his sonic glasses to block out the glare. Then he and Bill walked on towards a shop where there was a canopy offering shade and some empty seats. A waitress came out and picked up empty glasses and went back inside.

"Just what I need," Bill told him, "Something cold with plenty of ice!"

"Me too," the Doctor replied, his gaze hidden behind his shades as he stayed fixed on the sight of the cafe, where a waitress had just gone inside.

There was something about the waitress that had triggered another vision in his mind...a memory yet not a memory... He was sure she was still there inside his head. He was sure if he saw her again he would knew her...

But there was no memory, it shifted like sand as something inside his head shifted with it, like a rip his recollections where something had been torn out or torn apart had just started to reassemble. He felt like there was a small fire burning somewhere inside his brain as he sat down in the shade of the canopy and Bill sat beside him.

"Are you okay?"

He was sure she had asked him that question on the road...Or had she said that in a story? Or was it some chords of a song? His mind was fogging up.

"I'm fine," he replied.

Then as the waitress came over and asked what they wanted to order, he stared at her uniform and then at her face and felt sure this was not Clara, yet although he could no longer picture her face, he was sure he had seen it before and would know it again...

"Okay," Bill was saying, "Something bright with lots of ice... and no alcohol, he's driving.."

"I don't drive the Tardis I fly it," he said, still perspiring as he took off his glasses, put them into the pocket of the jacket he had draped over the back of his seat, then he looked at Bill and noticed she seemed worried.

"I'm fine," he said again, "What did you order?"

As they sat there in the shade, people walked past coming back from the market, all dressed in light, comfortable clothing, the colours varying in all shades.

"Some multicolour multi flavour slush," she replied, "You look like you need cooling down."

"This planet is well known for its fine fabrics," he replied, "We'll have to see the market before we leave. What did you say to me on the road?"

Bill blinked.

"Sorry? The road?"

"Before we came here, did you ask me if I was okay?"

She frowned as she thought back to how he had suddenly become unsteady.

"You know I did."

Suddenly that pain was back and it made more sense to try and stand, just so he knew he could, and maybe his head would stop spinning, that was what the Doctor hoped for as he got up from his seat.

"I need some air," he said, swaying as he opened up another button on his shirt and sweat tricked down his face, "I'm okay, I just need some air..."

Then as he slumped to the ground Bill's chair scraped back sharply as she got up and looked down at him in alarm. He was on his side on the paved ground, not moving, his eyes closed, his breathing shallow.

"I need some help!" Bill called out, looking a round sharply as the door opened and the waitress set down the iced drinks and then looked to the Doctor in alarm.

"I'll call for a medic!" she said, and hurried back inside.

Bill sank to her knees beside the Doctor as passers by began to gather. A woman knelt beside her and felt for a pulse and told her he was still breathing, a man touched her shoulder and asked if he had been drinking, then the waitress called out that help was on the way.

Bill was sure if the shock ever wore off she would always remember the kindness of the people of this future world who all wanted to help, but right now all she wanted was for the Doctor to open his eyes.

She wanted him to be okay and get up and fly her back to earth, she wanted to go home. But more than anything, she just wanted him to be okay, the rest could wait - that was her main thought as she looked down at him and ran her hand over his hair and spoke to him, but the Doctor remained unconscious.

"Please don't die," she said quietly as she looked down at him, "What ever has happened... just try and hold on... please hold on!"