I'd give a lot for that to be true. But being Commander has, if anything, hardened my heart more. I could probably kill with more ruthless efficiency than I did before - if it had to be done. Of course, I've learnt the value of never doing anything unnecessary a thousand times over by now. Too often, unnecessary things cause problems. They show you're getting cocky and sticking your neck out.
And people love to take you down a few pegs when you do that.
I'd give a lot to hold Lionheart and charge at an enemy again, too, but I get that rarely and only during times of complete peace, when nobody needs me sitting in my Commander's chair. Yes, I'm getting rusty with a gunblade, but I haven't forgotten. People see only the pain of the soldiers, now. They don't see the pain of the Commander who uses his troops, knowing some will die, to gain ground or money. I wish I weren't a Commander of this mercenary operation. My concern is usually purely money, or supposedly it is.
This job is harder than they assume. They don't know what it's like to remain within the four safe walls of an office, slowly going mad with boredom. I was trained to fight, not to sit back and watch it all go on, and pull strings from the sidelines. I was trained to be a puppet, not a puppetmaster. I'd give anything to feel the rush of battle again after these two years of nothing but administration.
They don't know what it's like to watch your friends go off to war, the same every time, and know that one of them, or more, might not be coming back. And know that despite everything you went through together, you have to wait, wait and wait, getting the news last, and commanding them to do this and that. And every command could cost them their lives.
They say I've forgotten that. They, meaning the people outside Garden, my critics. My friends understand. They wish it wasn't like this. The people outside Garden say that I've gotten to like this a little too much. That I like playing God, saying which troop goes where, choosing which lives to throw away for which hopeless cause that can pay me.
No, I haven't forgotten what it's like to be on a battlefield - yet.
And I know only too well what it's like being Commander.