Lonely
IT'S OVER. The oversized block letters of the note seemed to jump off the page and punch the reader in the gut. It fell from Kai's hand and drifted to the cafeteria table.
Kaneda poked his head up,"Another one bites the dust huh?" he shrugged and scanned the room for people who might loan him lunch money. "It's ok, I'll find you someone else."
"He doesn't want a girl friend just yet," Tetsuo piped up, "he's still recovering from the last one."
"Get real," Kaneda said, "it's been like what, three . . .FOUR minutes since she gave him the note!? Time to move on, man!"
Kai sighed sadly and shoved the note into his pocket. He really, REALLY didn't want the others to read Komiko's reasons for breaking up with him. They'd never understand . . . especially Kaneda.
~~~~~~^~~~^~~^~~~^~~~
"You won't screw me!" the note began. "I can find better guys anywhere! Kaneda was WRONG about you!!!!!!!" Damn it. Kaneda knows the nastiest, slutiest girls, Kai thought.
"GOD DAMN IT!" he flung himself backward into the concrete wall of his police-assigned apartment of the inner-city student rehab center. The lithe boy slumped to the ground and curled in on himself.
Of course it wasn't all Kaneda's fault. Kai knew in his heart that his long time friend didn't intend to set him up with such a bitch. His goal was to get Kai laid, but Kaneda knew nothing about his friend's tragic past.
~~~^~~^^~~~^~~^~~
It ran through his mind again. For the millionth time in his life, probably the fiftieth time that day. 9 years old. Pulled from his mother's arms. Into the alley way. He could still smell the man's breath on his body, the stench never left him. Hands still roamed over his body, pain still shot through him. Contact with unfamiliar people still made him shudder. No one ever understood that. No psychiatrists, no girl friends. No one cared enough. Money and ass, that's what had driven everyone Kai had known his entire life. There was no real love from anyone, you had to give something tangible in return.
Depression. Sobbing on the floor. Kai cried his heart out in his little room. He felt weak, it had been months since he'd cried this hard. He wished he had someone to cry to. One of his friends from school would be nice. Someone to maybe give him a hug, a brief one of course, not forceful. But someone to make him feel less alone. None of them would though, he felt sure of it. They'd laugh and call him a baby. Still, he envied them. He envied anyone who could live everyday not fearing the attack of a predator.
~~^^~~^~~^~~~~~~~^~~~
12:21am. Kai had just picked himself up off the floor and over to his bed. He couldn't sleep though. Alone and thinking of the man who hurt him, he could never sleep once he started remembering.
An idea crossed his mind. A woman several weeks ago had been found in a park near by. Police said she had been raped and murdered. Murdered. Dead. Kai liked the idea very much. He'd walk through the streets until the murderer found him. He'd feel the pain again, but then, guess what, he'd be killed. Freed.
It was cold and rainy. All the city's sex offenders were probably in their beds. But Kai didn't think of this, all he wanted was to be liberated from his hell, to stop thinking and breathing and reliving his pain all alone. He wandered up and down random streets. Despite his usual garb, including his heavy jacket, the storm grew and soon the small boy was soaked through to the bone. He began to sob again, since death didn't seem to be coming his way tonight.
Wait. Was that foot steps? Behind him? Would he finally be allowed to die?
"Kai?"
"Huh?" Kai spun around.
"Kai is that you? What the fuck are you doing out in this weather!?" Yamagata called out.
"N-nothing." Kai stammered, suddenly unsure of himself, "I mean - uh - I should ask you the same thing."
"Me? I ran out of fucking toilet paper, man! Can you believe that?!" the tallest member of the Capsules gang ran to greet his friend, but he stopped short when he saw the look on Kai's face. His eyes were red and stained with tears, not with rain drops. "Kai? Are you ok?"
"Just a rough night. Don't worry about me."
"Why don't you come in for a while? You can even spend the night if you want."
Kai looked up and noticed that he had wandered by Yamagata's apartment, covered with his trade mark rising sun graffiti. No one bothered to paint over graffiti in this neighborhood, it only invited more vandals. He smiled slightly through his tears. Someone was concerned about him! "Thanks Yama."
^^~~~~~~~^~~^~~^~~~~
A roof. A bowl of ramen noodles. A stale box of Pocky and a half empty can of Pocari Sweat. A pair of dry boxers (a few sizes too large) and dry tee shirt. A brief hug. A hand squeeze so gentle and caring that even to Kai it was clearly non-threatening. A friend. Kai sat in Yamagata's messy but cozy apartment. He was surprised at how much effort was put into making him feel comfortable. Atlast Yamagata stopped rummaging through old food containers and pulled a chair up next to Kai at the table.
"I'm sorry about Komiko." Yamagata said,"don't take anymore love advise from Kaneda."
"I won't, don't worry." replied Kai. "it doesn't bother me though, I didn't like her very much anyways."
"So what's wrong then?"
"It's just . . . I have other things on my mind."
"You should talk about it."
"N-no. No thank you," Kai shyed away suddenly,"I - I don't want to."
Yamagata gave a sad smile. He often worried about his friend. He had a hunch about what really troubled Kai. It was something he'd always noticed, something he'd seen in his friend's eyes and in the eyes of other kids at the orphanage. The way Kai shyed away from strangers, especially large male strangers. The idea made his blood run cold, but he didn't want to force the secret out from his friend. "You should get some rest then." he finally said.
"But - but there's no place for me to sleep."
~~~~^~~^~~~^^~~^~~^~
Well it took a bit of coaxing, but Yamagata finally convinced Kai that it was safe for them to share Yamagata's bed, which was really a tattered old mattress on the floor. Kai looked like a deer in head lights when his friend first breached the suggestion.
"I'm sorry but it's my bed or the chair, and I've tried the chair before, I'd never sleep on it again. It's fucking painful. You can try it if you want, but it's no problem with me if you want to share my bed. Your back will thank you."
Kai looked about nervously. His back was aching from when he slammed himself into his wall. The bed seemed like the better plan, and he trusted Yamagata, a lot actually. Yamagata had never done anything to harm him. Kai thought of the hand squeeze from earlier. It was kind and gentle. It didn't hurt him, never intended to. Now he thought he maybe even wouldn't mind another hand squeeze, but all he said was "I guess the bed is fine."
~~~^~~^^~~~~~^~~~~
Yamagata smiled to himself as he watched his friend sleep. Even though Kai was curled up on the opposite side of the bed, and subconsciously stealing all the blankets over to his side, Yamagata was happy with himself for looking after his close friend. Taking care if him, sheltering him and trying to cheer him up, brought a small light into Yamagata's troubled and sometimes violent life. He liked protecting those close to him, he decided. The tall youth watched his friend's chest moving up and down until it finally lulled to sleep.
^^~~~^~~~^~~
"Grunnuh" Kai murmured as a cold breeze stirred him from sleep. Where had all the covers gone? He looked over and spied the culprit. Yamagata was clutching the covers with all his might, grinding his teeth, and generally looking like he was kicking someone's ass in his sleep. Still mostly asleep himself, Kai tried to tug a blanket from his friend's grasp, but to his complete surprise, the sleeping boy beside him pulled the blanket back so hard that little Kai was pulled right along with it! Right next to Yamagata's sleeping form. Kai froze - what else could he do?! He stole a glance at the face just inches from his own. Yamagata looked relaxed again, and Kai felt satisfied that he was safe here. Safe and warm. He was still half dazed when he curled into Yamagata's body and drifted back to sleep.
About a half hour later, Yamagata awoke to the unusual sensation of a warm breath against his exposed neck. He looked down and his jaw just about fell off his face. Kai was right next to him! Kai, who was so afraid of being hurt by contact with others, was curled up next to him - sound asleep! He felt a tingling in his heart, a tingling he rarely felt in his life but that he didn't want to ignore. He closed his eyes again and slowly, ever so slowly, dropped an arm around Kai and pulled the boy just a bit closer. He blushed a bit when Kai snuggled into his chest.
^^~~~~^~~^~^^~~^^~~
Kai woke up again at about 6 a.m. He felt particularly relaxed and comfortable, even with Yamagata's arm around him. He gave a very content sounding sigh and nuzzled Yamagata's neck. This, in turn, caused Yamagata to pull him even closer. Kai was so happy, he didn't feel lonely or scared anymore, and he knew Yamagata planned to keep it that way.
^^~~^~^~~~^E.N.D^~~^~~~^~^^~
IT'S OVER. The oversized block letters of the note seemed to jump off the page and punch the reader in the gut. It fell from Kai's hand and drifted to the cafeteria table.
Kaneda poked his head up,"Another one bites the dust huh?" he shrugged and scanned the room for people who might loan him lunch money. "It's ok, I'll find you someone else."
"He doesn't want a girl friend just yet," Tetsuo piped up, "he's still recovering from the last one."
"Get real," Kaneda said, "it's been like what, three . . .FOUR minutes since she gave him the note!? Time to move on, man!"
Kai sighed sadly and shoved the note into his pocket. He really, REALLY didn't want the others to read Komiko's reasons for breaking up with him. They'd never understand . . . especially Kaneda.
~~~~~~^~~~^~~^~~~^~~~
"You won't screw me!" the note began. "I can find better guys anywhere! Kaneda was WRONG about you!!!!!!!" Damn it. Kaneda knows the nastiest, slutiest girls, Kai thought.
"GOD DAMN IT!" he flung himself backward into the concrete wall of his police-assigned apartment of the inner-city student rehab center. The lithe boy slumped to the ground and curled in on himself.
Of course it wasn't all Kaneda's fault. Kai knew in his heart that his long time friend didn't intend to set him up with such a bitch. His goal was to get Kai laid, but Kaneda knew nothing about his friend's tragic past.
~~~^~~^^~~~^~~^~~
It ran through his mind again. For the millionth time in his life, probably the fiftieth time that day. 9 years old. Pulled from his mother's arms. Into the alley way. He could still smell the man's breath on his body, the stench never left him. Hands still roamed over his body, pain still shot through him. Contact with unfamiliar people still made him shudder. No one ever understood that. No psychiatrists, no girl friends. No one cared enough. Money and ass, that's what had driven everyone Kai had known his entire life. There was no real love from anyone, you had to give something tangible in return.
Depression. Sobbing on the floor. Kai cried his heart out in his little room. He felt weak, it had been months since he'd cried this hard. He wished he had someone to cry to. One of his friends from school would be nice. Someone to maybe give him a hug, a brief one of course, not forceful. But someone to make him feel less alone. None of them would though, he felt sure of it. They'd laugh and call him a baby. Still, he envied them. He envied anyone who could live everyday not fearing the attack of a predator.
~~^^~~^~~^~~~~~~~^~~~
12:21am. Kai had just picked himself up off the floor and over to his bed. He couldn't sleep though. Alone and thinking of the man who hurt him, he could never sleep once he started remembering.
An idea crossed his mind. A woman several weeks ago had been found in a park near by. Police said she had been raped and murdered. Murdered. Dead. Kai liked the idea very much. He'd walk through the streets until the murderer found him. He'd feel the pain again, but then, guess what, he'd be killed. Freed.
It was cold and rainy. All the city's sex offenders were probably in their beds. But Kai didn't think of this, all he wanted was to be liberated from his hell, to stop thinking and breathing and reliving his pain all alone. He wandered up and down random streets. Despite his usual garb, including his heavy jacket, the storm grew and soon the small boy was soaked through to the bone. He began to sob again, since death didn't seem to be coming his way tonight.
Wait. Was that foot steps? Behind him? Would he finally be allowed to die?
"Kai?"
"Huh?" Kai spun around.
"Kai is that you? What the fuck are you doing out in this weather!?" Yamagata called out.
"N-nothing." Kai stammered, suddenly unsure of himself, "I mean - uh - I should ask you the same thing."
"Me? I ran out of fucking toilet paper, man! Can you believe that?!" the tallest member of the Capsules gang ran to greet his friend, but he stopped short when he saw the look on Kai's face. His eyes were red and stained with tears, not with rain drops. "Kai? Are you ok?"
"Just a rough night. Don't worry about me."
"Why don't you come in for a while? You can even spend the night if you want."
Kai looked up and noticed that he had wandered by Yamagata's apartment, covered with his trade mark rising sun graffiti. No one bothered to paint over graffiti in this neighborhood, it only invited more vandals. He smiled slightly through his tears. Someone was concerned about him! "Thanks Yama."
^^~~~~~~~^~~^~~^~~~~
A roof. A bowl of ramen noodles. A stale box of Pocky and a half empty can of Pocari Sweat. A pair of dry boxers (a few sizes too large) and dry tee shirt. A brief hug. A hand squeeze so gentle and caring that even to Kai it was clearly non-threatening. A friend. Kai sat in Yamagata's messy but cozy apartment. He was surprised at how much effort was put into making him feel comfortable. Atlast Yamagata stopped rummaging through old food containers and pulled a chair up next to Kai at the table.
"I'm sorry about Komiko." Yamagata said,"don't take anymore love advise from Kaneda."
"I won't, don't worry." replied Kai. "it doesn't bother me though, I didn't like her very much anyways."
"So what's wrong then?"
"It's just . . . I have other things on my mind."
"You should talk about it."
"N-no. No thank you," Kai shyed away suddenly,"I - I don't want to."
Yamagata gave a sad smile. He often worried about his friend. He had a hunch about what really troubled Kai. It was something he'd always noticed, something he'd seen in his friend's eyes and in the eyes of other kids at the orphanage. The way Kai shyed away from strangers, especially large male strangers. The idea made his blood run cold, but he didn't want to force the secret out from his friend. "You should get some rest then." he finally said.
"But - but there's no place for me to sleep."
~~~~^~~^~~~^^~~^~~^~
Well it took a bit of coaxing, but Yamagata finally convinced Kai that it was safe for them to share Yamagata's bed, which was really a tattered old mattress on the floor. Kai looked like a deer in head lights when his friend first breached the suggestion.
"I'm sorry but it's my bed or the chair, and I've tried the chair before, I'd never sleep on it again. It's fucking painful. You can try it if you want, but it's no problem with me if you want to share my bed. Your back will thank you."
Kai looked about nervously. His back was aching from when he slammed himself into his wall. The bed seemed like the better plan, and he trusted Yamagata, a lot actually. Yamagata had never done anything to harm him. Kai thought of the hand squeeze from earlier. It was kind and gentle. It didn't hurt him, never intended to. Now he thought he maybe even wouldn't mind another hand squeeze, but all he said was "I guess the bed is fine."
~~~^~~^^~~~~~^~~~~
Yamagata smiled to himself as he watched his friend sleep. Even though Kai was curled up on the opposite side of the bed, and subconsciously stealing all the blankets over to his side, Yamagata was happy with himself for looking after his close friend. Taking care if him, sheltering him and trying to cheer him up, brought a small light into Yamagata's troubled and sometimes violent life. He liked protecting those close to him, he decided. The tall youth watched his friend's chest moving up and down until it finally lulled to sleep.
^^~~~^~~~^~~
"Grunnuh" Kai murmured as a cold breeze stirred him from sleep. Where had all the covers gone? He looked over and spied the culprit. Yamagata was clutching the covers with all his might, grinding his teeth, and generally looking like he was kicking someone's ass in his sleep. Still mostly asleep himself, Kai tried to tug a blanket from his friend's grasp, but to his complete surprise, the sleeping boy beside him pulled the blanket back so hard that little Kai was pulled right along with it! Right next to Yamagata's sleeping form. Kai froze - what else could he do?! He stole a glance at the face just inches from his own. Yamagata looked relaxed again, and Kai felt satisfied that he was safe here. Safe and warm. He was still half dazed when he curled into Yamagata's body and drifted back to sleep.
About a half hour later, Yamagata awoke to the unusual sensation of a warm breath against his exposed neck. He looked down and his jaw just about fell off his face. Kai was right next to him! Kai, who was so afraid of being hurt by contact with others, was curled up next to him - sound asleep! He felt a tingling in his heart, a tingling he rarely felt in his life but that he didn't want to ignore. He closed his eyes again and slowly, ever so slowly, dropped an arm around Kai and pulled the boy just a bit closer. He blushed a bit when Kai snuggled into his chest.
^^~~~~^~~^~^^~~^^~~
Kai woke up again at about 6 a.m. He felt particularly relaxed and comfortable, even with Yamagata's arm around him. He gave a very content sounding sigh and nuzzled Yamagata's neck. This, in turn, caused Yamagata to pull him even closer. Kai was so happy, he didn't feel lonely or scared anymore, and he knew Yamagata planned to keep it that way.
^^~~^~^~~~^E.N.D^~~^~~~^~^^~