A/N: Although I am currently still working on PMTTYD: Raw and Uncut, I figured that I would just get the first chapter of my Super Mario RPG parody out of the way already. So without further ado, I'm pleased to present yet another installment of the Raw and Uncut parody series…Super Mario RPG: Raw and Uncut!
When "a cappella" is used in the author's notes of this fic, it will officially be short for "I do not own a single thing in this story; everything belongs to their respective owners. And I emphasize EVERYTHING."
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SUPER MARIO RPG: RAW AND UNCUT
Prologue: Peach—uh—Toadstool Gets Kidnapped Yet Again
The young heiress to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach Toadstool—uh, I mean—Toadstool Toadstool, was kneeling down in the backyard garden of the tiny, cruddy house of none other than Mario Mario, savior of the Mushroom Kingdom, Sarasaland, etc., her beautiful golden hair and long pink dress shimmering in the cool breeze, as she giggled and shuddered from the cold, as well as her royal chest's royal nip—OH SHIT! Sorry, I'm getting carried away already.
So, of course, "Toadstool" had been picking away at the flowers and playfully smashing harmless bumblebees like the dumb ditz she is as she mused, "Well, what to do today…what to do…Gosh, I'm bored! I'll just keep killing these adorable little bumblebees like some reckless royal princess with the mentality of a four-year-old! YIIIIPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
And…she did. But then, after two hours of pointless bee-killing, Pea—uh—Toadstool noticed the sky darkening as a black cloud emerged above and grew exponentially to black out the sun and daylight entirely.
"Uh-oh! I guess the sky is mad today!" squealed, um, Princess Toadstool. "I need to play some happy music for it to dance to!" She turned on her sickeningly cute pink boom-box and popped in a jolly Beatles record for the sky to…er…well, "dance" to.
"UGH! TURN THAT SMUT OFF!" screamed a familiar growling voice from behind the giant black cloud. "I FUCKIN' HATE THE BEATLES!"
"What?" Princess Peach gasped. "What sort of heartless person would hate the Beatles?"
"ME!" the voice yelled again. The person owning that very same voice flew out from behind the cloud and headed towards Toadstool at a rapid speed. Toadstool, surprisingly, actually had enough intelligence to realize who it was! Astounding!
Well, yes, it was none other than the King of the Koopas, Bowser Koopa. In all his spiky-shelled, yellow-scaled, flame-haired, and horn-headed glory, of course.
"EEEEEEP!" cried Toadstool. "BOWSER! MAAAAAAARIO! HELP M—"
It was too late for Pe—uh—Toadstool to finish her cry for help, though. Bowser snatched Toadstool away in an instant, disappearing as the sky suddenly became beautiful again when "Twist and Shout" started up on the Beatles record.
"Princess, you know I can't help M! She's a fictional Gooms Bond character!" snapped Mario as he came out of the house into the garden a few minutes later. He noticed a letter on the ground where the princess had been kneeling just a few minutes ago. Of course, the heroic plump plumber picked it up and read it…
Mari,
Writing letrr in hury Been kidnapped by Bow ser agai HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP
Princss P—uh—Todstoooool
P.S. HELP
"Oh, crap, she got herself kidnapped by Bowser AGAIN!?" yelled Mario in anguish as he crumpled the letter up and threw it elsewhere. He was just about to do a really neat super jump and suddenly jump to the next scene when the ending of "Twist and Shout" caught his ear. He turned yearningly towards the boom-box.
"Oooooooh, the Beatles!" he squeaked, rewinding the record and cuddling the boom-box as he listened to all fourteen songs nonstop on repeat for another four hours.
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LATER
"Eh, okay, I may as well rescue Peach—uh—'Toadstool' now," muttered Mario as he finished listening to "Twist and Shout" and the whole record for the eighth time.
He did his cool little jumping thing, ended up at the entrance of Bowser's Keep, a hideout of Bowser's surrounded by a lava pit, and knocked on the door stupidly. After waiting impatiently for someone to open the door for 10 minutes, Mario simply knocked the thing down and went inside.
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Bowser's Keep – Entrance Hall
The smell of Bowser's terribly-cooked pasta immediately wafted from the upstairs kitchens down to the entrance hall of the keep, penetrating Mario's fat round nose with an awful scent. The plumber ignored this and continued to head toward the door leading to the second floor, but then, out of nowhere, one of Bowser's inferior troops popped up out of the floor. I don't know how he did that—I mean, he's only a simple Koopa in knight armor—but whatever.
"AH! AH-HAH! YOU SHALL FALL VICTIM TO MY MAD SKILLZ, MARIO HOMIE G.! AHA-HAHA!" squawked the troop.
"Alright then…" mumbled Mario. "…Let's fight, I suppose."
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!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 15/15
FP: 5/5
Koopa Guard #1 HP: 10/10
FP: WOW, HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?
Mario uses standard attack. Does 5 damage to Koopa Guard #1.
Koopa Guard #1 uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.
Mario uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Koopa Guard #1.
Koopa Guard #1 uses Shell Attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.
Mario uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Koopa Guard #1. Koopa Guard #1 is defeated!
A VICTORY IS MARIO!
"Uh…wha?" Mario muttered.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
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"AHA! BOO-YAAAAH!" boasted Mario, cheerfully mooning the guard's corpse before casually moving on forward and entering the second floor.
Mario continued to beat up multiple pathetic Koopa guards, then finally came to the door leading to Bowser's highest private chambers. The fat Italian plumber took a deep breath, and tried to step toward the door. He would have gotten there, but two more Koopa guards popped up in his way somehow. He noticed one of the guards was slightly stronger than usual, so he made sure to be careful in this fight.
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!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 11/15
FP: 5/5
Koopa Guard #1 HP: 10/10
Super Koopa Guard #1 HP: 12/12
FP: THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.
Mario uses Jump on Super Koopa Guard #1. Does 5 damage.
Koopa Guard #1 uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.
Super Koopa Guard #1 charges up attack power! OOOOOH!
Mario uses standard attack on Koopa Guard #1. Does 4 damage.
Koopa Guard #1 uses standard attack…and misses Mario.
Super Koopa Guard #1 unleashes a charged standard attack…and misses Mario. Psssh, these guys are total klutzes…
Mario uses Jump on Super Koopa Guard #1. Does 7 damage. Super Koopa Guard #1 faints!
Koopa Guard #1 uses Shell attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.
Mario uses standard attack on Koopa Guard #1. Does 3 damage.
Koopa Guard #1 uses Shell attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.
Mario uses standard attack on Koopa Guard #1. Does 4 damage. Koopa Guard #1 faints!
A VICTORY IS MARIO!
"Okay, seriously, something's wrong with the victory message…" Mario said.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
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Mario deserted the dead guards' bodies, recharging his stats and running into Bowser's chambers quickly. He almost immediately noticed Toadstool hanging right over his head by a thick rope from the spike-infested ceiling. The spiky Koopa King himself appeared behind Mario at that moment, seemingly materializing out of thin air.
"Heh heh heh…" chuckled Bowser, suddenly lashing out at Mario, knocking him to the floor in a second flat. "Maybe I would have been less harsh when I kidnapped your girlfriend if she would just shut off that damn Beatles record, but nooooo! Of course not! Little old Peach—uh—Toadstool ALWAYS has to get stuff her way! I hate that so much! Well, now she can stay with me forever and we'll form a great romantic relationship when you're finally out of the way!! GET READY, MARIO! WE'RE GOING TO FIGHT FOR, LIKE, THE TEN BILLIONTH TIME THIS WEEK, FATTY!"
"Oh, okay," Mario said, balling his fists up. "This will be a cinch, Princess. Relax."
"Whatsa cinch?" shouted Toadstool. Mario grimaced.
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!!!BEGIN BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
Mario HP: 15/15
FP: 8/8
Bowser HP: I dunno, but it's probably something like…100002382937497/100002382937497
FP: Uh…
Mario uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Bowser.
Bowser uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.
Mario uses Jump. Does 2 damage to Bowser.
Bowser uses Fire Breath. Does 3 damage to Mario.
Mario uses Jump. Does 3 damage to Bowser.
Bowser uses standard attack. Does 1 damage to Mario.
Mario does standard atta—Oh, FORGET THIS! I'll just go to the important part.
"MARIO!" cried Toadstool. "Don't aim for Bowser! He has, like, a…a whole bunch of HP! Try hitting that adorable Kinklink rope thing that connects the chandelier he's standing on to the ceiling!"
"Wow, Nintendo can even give the most suggestive names imaginable to ropes," Mario pondered.
"Just trust me on this," said Toadstool firmly.
Mario uses Jump on Kinklink. Does 4 damage.
Bowser uses standard attack. Does 3 damage to Mario.
Mario uses standard attack on Kinklink. Does 3 damage.
Bowser uses standard attack. Does 2 damage to Mario.
Mario uses standard attack on Kinklink. Does 5 damage. Kinklink is destroyed!
"Uh….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser cried as he noticed the split rope that held his chandelier platform to the ceiling. He screamed as the platform plunged down the bottomless abyss below the battlefield, but not before throwing a knife at the Kinklink for Mario's chandelier and severing that link as well. Both the hero and villain were now rapidly falling for an eternity, and they began to get pretty bored after a while of falling, even playing three games of marbles together to pass the time. When Mario won all three games easily, Bowser threw a tantrum and tried lunging for Mario, but…
Mario uses Jump. Does 4 damage to Bowser. Amazingly, Bowser faints!
A VICTORY IS MARIO!
"Ugh, sheesh…" Mario muttered as he stared at the above victory text.
!!!END BATTLE SEQUENCE!!!
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After the final Jump attack had made contact with Bowser's head, the evil brute toppled over on his chandelier and yelled, "UGH, CURSE YOU, MARIO! How could you defeat me AGAIN!?" Mario jumped back up to the chambers, where Toadstool still was, and somehow stood on thin air in front of her. Apparently, these developers have no clue what the laws of physics are…
"Oh, thank you so much, Mario!" cried Princess Toadstool/Peach as she tried to wriggle free of the rope holding her to the ceiling. "Now, please try to help untie me, would you?"
"Alright, alright, alright," said Mario, who was clearly not in a hurry. He walked over to where he was right below Toadstool/Peach, looked up her dress, began drooling, and frantically started to jump in place, wondering that if he hit the rope enough times, it would break and everybody would eventually live happily ever after.
Just as Mario was about to break the final strand of the rope, an almighty voice boomed out, "BOWSERRRR!! YOU HAVEN'T PAID THE RENT FOR 3 MONTHS, AND I'M TAKING THIS CASTLE!...uh, I mean…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"
An amazingly large sword the size of the Mushroom State Building crashed down through all of Bowser's Keep, and the force of the landing blew Toadstool/Peach, Mario, and Bowser all in different directions, spreading them far across the kingdom…
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A/N: Ah goody, a cliffhanger. What'll happen next? Wait until the next chapter to find out, Einstein.