0A/N: This fanfic is rated M for a reason. It is very dark and carries a trigger warning for DV. Please read with caution.

It is dark. The only way I know I'm not in a total void is because Paul left the hall light on. Oh, if he knew how much pleasure seeing that tiny strip of light under the door gave me, he would never leave it on again. But I learned quickly to act like things are much worse than they are, so that he doesn't strain himself to come up with worse punishments.

The light keeps me from getting dizzy because it's a solid point to focus on. And I usually get dizzy after a slam or two into the wall. Probably a minor concussion. I want to throw up but he would find that disgusting and would probably take the hose to me and lock me out after spraying me with ice cold water.

Again, I act like that's the worst thing imaginable, even though it isn't. I have kind of cheated the system that way. I deserve to be punished, and yet, I've found a way to not be punished to the fullest extent of my errors. A chill runs down my spine as I think about that hose…

"Wilson?" I am brought back to present day with a shake of my shoulder, by Dr. Shepherd. "You're shaking."

"Huh?" I ask. "What? No, no! I'm not, it's just… cold in here. God, it's Seattle you think they'd chill with the AC."

Dr. Shepherd raised an eyebrow at me. "I think this whole hospital knows I've had my fair share of personal drama… just make sure it stays out of your work. Kay? You're far too brilliant to let anything get in your way… a stupid boy for instance? Sorry, not my business."

"Right… a stupid boy," I repeat mindlessly.

"Anyways… you're gonna be late for rounds if you don't get going. Meredith will be here any minute and she had a rough morning trying to get Bailey to wear his seatbelt so you might not want to piss her off. Fair warning."

I smile. "Thanks, Dr. Shepherd. See you."

"Hey," Alex says, kissing me on the forehead. "Sorry I missed you this morning. You left pretty early. Did you have pre-rounds?"

"No, I…" I didn't know how to tell him I only got up so early to face the inevitable, that I was going to go a whole night without a wink of sleep. "I was just kind of restless."

"Everything okay?"

"Yes. I'm with Grey though, so…" I let the sentence hang before I turn on my heel and walk away from the one person here who would probably be able to tell something was up.

I had gotten good at burying it. It was almost like that person wasn't even me. Like I was in the corner of the room, watching some poor girl get beaten.

The bruises were a piece of cake to hide. He usually took care to hit me in places where it wouldn't show, but a touch of that stuff people use to cover tattoos and I looked like a brand new person. No, what was hard to hide was the eyes. I used eye drops almost every morning, though most people either believed I had really bad allergies or consistently hot boxed my car in the morning. Except for that time there were broken blood vessels in my eye. That of course was due to a sharp corner that I must have tripped into. Paul didn't like me to wear too much make up, but concealer was my best friend in those days. It was almost like my eyelids weren't baggy and droopy, giving me the appearance of a weathered old lady. But there wasn't anything I could do about the harrowing look I got when people asked me personal questions.

How's your boyfriend? Are you planning on getting married? Marriage is harder than they tell you, you know. Now that you're married, are you planning on kids? Does Paul want kids? Do you?

As if I could ever bring a child into this world, knowing what I know.

We almost did, though, once. Paul had found out about the birth control pills I was secretly taking. That wasn't a fun night. Of course, with the pain came pleasure. He always tried to play it off that way. I'm sorry, he was always so damn sorry. He just wanted the joy of having a little Paul or Brooke junior running around. Surely the world needed another monster, or another monster punisher.

I had gotten an abortion as soon as I found out, and had used my next period to fake a miscarriage. That was the only way I knew I could save the future child from a rotting world of despair. It only worked because Paul is so utterly disgusted by all of that. Julie, she was to be named. I don't even know if it was a she, but Paul swore it would be a girl.

I thought Paul would be good to me after the "miscarriage" because we had the loss in common. I was, of course, mistaken. I still have scars on my inner thighs and on my hips from him lashing my pelvis, as if he could punish that part of me for not being good enough. Little did he know, all he did was make sure that I definitely couldn't have any more kids. Again, I had to act like this was the most devastating thing that could have happened.

"Amelia said you seemed off and begged me to go easy on you today, but jeez, Wilson, are you even on this planet?" Meredith said as meet her outside of our patients room. She must have asked me something.

"Dr. Grey, I'm so sorry, I just…" Got a letter from my ex, saying he was in town and would like to meet? Got a letter that was vaguely threatening, but no so much so that anyone would believe me if I told them? Got a letter that almost certainly meant doom, damage and destruction for my near future? None of the above seemed applicable.

"It's fine, just, put it aside and make your patient come first, right? Let's go."

That's the thing about Meredith Grey. A few years ago if I had been the tiniest bit distracted she would have reamed me out and forgotten about it the next day. Now, I swear a saw a flash of sympathy, maybe even empathy, cross her face before she was back to business as usual. I suspected that had little to actually do with me.

Rounds sucked but allowed me the mental space to forget about the letter for a little while. Rattling off fact after fact wasn't fun but memorization was something I was good at so there wasn't a patient of Dr. Grey's whose latest test results I couldn't tell you.

My colleagues swore my good memory was a blessing but to remember so much, good and bad… it was exhausting.

The day flew by in that weird, zoned out kind of way. I decided to spill the beans tonight to Alex when we got home. I was halfway to the attendings lounge on the fourth floor when he texted me and said he wasn't leaving for a few hours, as he had an emergency peds splenectomy and didn't trust the on-call guy as far as he could throw him.

I did my best to get to the car with a neutral face and attitude. I was human, wasn't I? They'd have to just chalk it up to a bad day.

"Wilson, you're parked in the attendings lot?" came Dr. Shepherd's voice over the top of her car.

I started. "Uh, no, well, I came in early in a cab because my car is in the shop but Alex is staying late so I'm taking his car-"

"Relax, I'm just joking. Goodnight."

"Wait, Dr. Shepherd, I…"

She looked at me, waiting for me to finish.

"I appreciate what you said to Dr. Grey on my behalf, but moving forward I would like to keep my personal life out of work. If that's alright with you."

She looked stunned. "Of course, Wilson. Sorry."

"No, don't apologize, I just…" but it was no use. She was already closing her door and I had only said it loud enough for myself to hear anyway.

That's what they don't tell you about abuse. While Paul was pulling all the right strings, it was me who was isolating myself. And the need to keep others away, self be damned, at the thought of imminent danger doesn't easily fade.